What should I do, he wants to keep us a secret

[confused984]

Boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 2 years, and it has not exactly been smooth sailing. His views can be different to mine and he can be very chummy with his female friends (for instance he thinks it is fine for a male to share a room with an engaged female friend whilst on holiday without their other halves). His current job requires him to be intermittently away from town .

 

There was one time that I have caught him having inappropriate conversations with his new female worker whilst at work.. whilst completely ignoring my messages and saying he was out of credit etc This includes calling her to wake her up 8 -10 times per morning at 5am, doing her laundry, talking to her throughout the day and calling eachother pet names such as princess, sugar etc. (they start work early and she was afraid she would sleep through her alarm)

 

He yelled at me when I confronted him and told me such behaviour was fine. It was not until I suggested a break up that he finally agreed to call his colleague and set things straight.

 

Fast forward to now. We had been on and off (breaking up for a few days then getting back together) for a few months. I broke it off recently. He has apparently has informed his friends about us being 'final' and now, after getting back together with me for around a month is adamant that he wants to keep the relationship a secret. He goes to parties without telling me or without me, and when he is out with his mates he will get agitated when I message him (i.e. about plans for our date the next day which we have not sorted out yet.)

 

He refuses to text me back until he has finished 'chilling' at his mates house and only texts when he gets home (midnight to 1.30am or if they are out during the day, a few hours later). Now he is going on a six week holiday with the boys and tells me that he may not be able to contact me everyday (i asked him to text me goodnight) and that sometimes he will be out of reception or have no wifi or he may need to hire out a phone. The guys he is travelling with think he is single and so are some of them. He is sharing an apartment with both males and females sometime during the trip and likely will be drinking during the trip.

 

Lately, he has been acting agitated and annoyed if I text him too much, barely initiates any text otherwise. I am scared of asking him to make the relationship public as I think he will start a fight and we will end up breaking up. This isn't healthy is it? or am I being too much.

[solamente]

no, it isn't healthy. break up and move on. he is keeping you as an option, like a FWB, because you are letting him. he doesn't really give a crap about you.

[bittensmitten]

Dear confused984,

 

There is nothing confusing about this situation. I really don't mean to be terse and I hope this doesn't come accross as harsh, but he doesn't care about you, at least not in the manner that you want/need from him. This guy seems like a complete douchebag. I can't imagine why you'd want to waste your time on him.. I don't know you, but you can do better. Trust me.. guys like this are a dime a dozen and not worth it.

[ParisPaulette]

No, it's not healthy and it's not normal at all. He wants to keep you on a backburner while he goes out and plays the field. It's probably not about his friends finding out so much as it is the other women he's pursuing while secure in the knowledge you will always let him walk all over you and call the shots. You need to do some serious soul searching about why you are so willing to put up with this mistreatment that you and anyone reading this knows will never get better--only worse. I hate to be so harsh, but you need to wake up and take the blinders off. His begging you not to leave is about controlling you, not loving you. You really can do so much better than him and you deserve better.

[Mesemene]

None of the reasons he could be keeping your relationship "secret" are good.

 

No, this isn't healthy for you. You aren't a priority to him - and

Now he is going on a six week holiday with the boys and tells me that he may not be able to contact me everyday (i asked him to text me goodnight) and that sometimes he will be out of reception or have no wifi or he may need to hire out a phone. The guys he is travelling with think he is single

 

Red flag, red flag. There are no good reasons I can think of why he would be going on vacation for six weeks and want to be known as single that bode well for you, or for your non-relationship. Zero. Zip.

 

Basically he's saying don't call him, don't tell anyone you're together, and by the way, I'll be gone for over a month long party where I'll be advertising myself as single. See ya, babe.

 

You're worth more than being some jerk's plan B while he hunts around for a plan A. And that's exactly how he's coming accross - like he's keeping you in a closet like a worn out toy while he shops for a new one.

 

Sorry, but you're worth WAY more than that. And you're making a big mistake, IMO, if you allow him to drag you down to that level.

 

Hey, if he's single - so are you. Take a break to get past this, and find someone who will treat you as their number ONE, not be shopping around for a newer model.

[lerenard]

He probably sleeps with others, and he isn't interested in having an official GF for that exact reason. That way he has no obligations.

He asks you to not call him - so stop calling him, or caring about him. If he ever comes back for something casual - I`d show him a middle finger and shut the door.

You deserve a lot better! He is just using you now.

[SpottiOtti]

Take a couple of days, then come back and read your original post. Pretend you didn't write it, and it's some stranger on the Internet asking for your advice. What would you tell her?

[amandathepanda]

Leave! I agree with all the other posters, and have been where you are. I wasted 3 years in this kind of hell...

[Kendahke]

Hon, your relationship is over except for the breaking up. If a man will not acknowledge you publicly, then that means you do not have a relationship with them. He's keeping you around for convenient sex.

 

This guy is done with you. You're the only one who doesn't know this.

[SooSad33]

Breaking up over & over isn't good.

Wanting to keep YOU a secret is ridiculous. He's NOT interested in this being a real relationship. He's mis treating you- treating you like crap- no respect for you or your feelings.

IF he was interested, he wouldn't be acting out in this manner.

 

Do you want it to continue this way?

You want respect and a guy who actually wants you around.

 

You may have been texting so often because you had no other option, which probably started to get to him- but oh well.

He's showing many signs of a negative.

 

Walk away, leave him alone, to his buddies. She's shown you his priority. He's NOT ready for a relationship., sorry.

[QWit]

You two are done.. If he is not trying to acknowledge you in public then he is not a relationship with you.. If you were really his gf, he would not have an issue with this at all.. He is treating you like garbage.. Kick him to the curve.

 

Oh, another thing, I hope you really don't believe he is going on a six week vacation with just the boys.. Come on now. He is straight up lying and you are real gullible if you believe him.. Unless, he is having relations with the boys, he is not going on vacation with just them(if that is even the truth..he may have planned a vacay for him and someone else).. I really hope you see through this BS.. So, basically, he is telling you when he will call you because he is going to be with someone else.. Please don't fall for that garbage.. You should have shut him down when he first told you all of that.. He is just a bold face liar that is using you for sex.. Please let this scum go.