cheating lead to a break up ? or is there some other issue?

[chairs]

I was in a 2.5-year relationship with a girl from USA.

We were college sweethearts and were each other’s first loves and first sexual partners.

I am from Dubai and she was from Oregon. We did a Year and 4 months of long distance.

We went through a lot of ups and downs during the long distance where she wanted to end it coz I was neglecting her etc. But we still loved each other blindly. She was always less busy than I was and hence felt more neglect. And the time difference was a huge factor in keeping in touch too. Never the less. We saw each other for 3-4 weeks every 3 months. She even visited my home and my family in Dubai and cried when she had to leave my home. She even messaged my mother on mother’s day thanking her for being there for her. Regardless of the ups and downs what we had was amazing and full of fun and other than neglect, we barely fought about anything, coz we were always on the same wavelength. I understood her more than she did herself. It was crazy.

But This summer we got extremely distant. Our attraction was almost nil and coupled with the fact that sex sometimes felt like a chore we were really on the brink. For three months we barely spoke. It was tough. I felt our love had gone to sleep. It hadn’t gone away, it was just dormant. Often in Long Distance its tough to keep the flame alive.

Then suddenly she moved to NYC. Where she was alone, so I asked my friends to help her out. They willingly obliged and helped her find a place and took her out etc. Now during this time, she kept telling me to come and said NYC would only be complete once I got there. But then at the same time claimed she wanted to explore and date other people. She was just in some state of deep confusion. The neglect she felt from my end was tough. We spoke when she had just moved to NYC and had some chilled conversations. Then suddenly she asked my if I was coming to USA for grad school next year. This was tough coz I hadn’t planned it yet and hence I said “no”. As soon as I said this, she said, “we're done. We are over” its like she flipped a switch. I then heard she had been chilling with some Middle Eastern fellow like me who was meant to be quite similar to me in personality and even in name, lets just call him “Jack”! She went out with this guy a lot and I feel she emotionally connected with him. I didn’t think much of it. But I was hurt she could flip switch with such ease especially since she was dying for me to visit her just a week ago.

I said that we deserve a face-to-face talk because we have been through so much and were such big part of each other’s lives. She said she didn’t want me to come and wanted to just break up cold turkey. But after a lot of convincing she agreed to still try out the relationship. after 2 years its only fair to end face to face and not so abruptly. I think any long term relationship deserves a last face to face mature talk.

She allowed me to come. So I booked my tickets. 4 days before I was meant to arrive she sleeps with Jack!! She calls me that night and says she had done this. I had never expected it especially since she knew I was coming and coz she was technically still my girlfriend. She said she felt no guilt for what she did coz “she had emotionally checked out and was already over me this summer” I was stunned. And like a I instantly forgave her and begged her to not see him again. She claimed she was blackout drunk. Also, This guy’s friend tells me she kept saying my name while she was sexing him and they had to stop mid way coz he was so turned off by that. Weirdly enough..

Anyways, she says she doesn’t want me to come anymore. But I had already booked my tickets and paid. I had no option. I went anyways. We spent the first three days together. At first she was unhappy to see me and there was a lot of tension in the air. But then she started falling back in love. She kept asking if breaking up was the right thing. I said it was. I could tell she still loved me. But we still broke up, coz I saw she had been dirty texting him while I was in NYC and she even messaged him “Bf is out of the picture you can come over anytime” . Horribly ty and shocking, especially since she was such a tender caring loving girlfriend. I couldn’t believe it.

She had to drop something off at my friends on Sunday the 14th of sept. So I met her, I had a hunch she had slept with this guy more than once, so I asked her, she said she slept with him in a bar bathroom two days after she slept with him the first time, even though she knew I was coming. I lost it. I told her im cutting her off and I never want to see her ever again and that she was disgusting and walked away without looking back.

The next day she said she needed to talk. I obliged. She wanted to hold my hand and wanted to hug me, but I didn’t let.. she broke down sobbing like I had never seen before. She Said she loved me and wanted to gain my trust back and kept asking for a second chance. I asked her to just not stab me again. We chilled all week, had sex, got a hotel room together! We even got a Tattoo of us on each other!!! It was crazy! Then we decide to not see each other for a week and that out of respect she would not contact Jack. She agreed to this.

Sunday, the 21st 2 days after our pact. I went to her house to pick up my and he was over there!! I couldn’t believe it! She says in front of him, “Im not doing anything wrong, we’ve been over for months.” When in reality we had broken up only a week ago!! So she broke our pact and lied about being over.

I just walked out of there. She went crazy that week, coz I was to leave for Dubai the next week for good. She sent me texts constantly and called my incessantly. She said she realized, I was all she wanted. She kept iteratating she needed me and can’t imagine life without me. She sent me 300 texts and called me 40 times. I didn’t respond to anything. She messaged me saying she was going to leave for the airport to say goodbye one last time coz she knew what flight I was on. I messaged her saying I was leaving another day. She went nuts, She started getting suicidal and saying she needs me bad. She asked if she were to end it would I even care. I didn’t respond to anything. She sent me emails, saying she was sorry and that I am the love of her life. And she’s willing to cut him out as long as id just talk to her. She said she wont be able to love again for months and that she can’t imagine loving anyone how she loved me. She was telling me how I am the most amazing person she knows etc. As much as I would have loved to get back with her I was scared to be stabbed again so I didn’t even respond. I took an immense toll coz I was dying to say bye to her, coz I don’t know when id see her again.

All I did before I left was send her a small email saying, I need time and that ill never forget the disrespect she has shown. She couldn’t bel. I left without even seeing her.

When I got back home, she didn’t contact me for a week. Then she started sending me snapchats. Then started liking facebook posts, instagram pics, and tagging me in old pics. She was doing all this to get my attention. After a month, she sends me an email, somewhat blaming me for making her cheat. Saying if I was there for her she wouldn’t have done this. And that I should have just let go of her so then she wouldn’t be a cheat. But she also keeps saying how she wants us to one day be best friends again and that she really cherishes our relationship etc and that she’s waiting for me to talk to her again.

Then she messaged me saying, she can’t stop thinking of me and still hasn’t moved on. She is still in this guy by the way. She messaged me asking if we can please talk.

After a week I g-chatted with her coz I felt week for some reason. We spoke and I showed care and showed I was affected. She wanted me to apologize for not letting her go and being neglectful in the past. But she doesn’t realize I came to USA to show I was sorry. I really lost my upper hand with that G chat conv.

 

After that conv. She liked some pics on facebook. Likes some instagram . Sent me some stuff on facebook thinking I would like. She messaged me twice saying “hii” and then after a few days saying, “hii” and that she was wafting to send me an email but wasn’t ready yet. And asked if I was ok. And now she hasn’t contacted me in two weeks or so. I don’t know what to do.

Funny enough to give you’ll some more context, her father cheats on her mother and she feels the pain and wants her mother to divorce him. But the same girl goes and cheats? Im shocked. I really don’t understand how she can sleep at night.

As for this guy, his ex- girlfriend of 7 years did the exact same thing to him, as my ex did to me. Where she suddenly just dropped him and cheated on him. But even though he has felt the pain of this first hand, he can be somewhat responsible for the same storm he went through? Also, he is just starting to talk to his ex again and misses her. But cant trust her to get back with her. This guy also knows most details about how she fully connived and cheated, but doesn’t seem to want to stop this madness.

As for me, I don’t know what to do anymore. I want her to squirm and feel sorry for what she did and stop ing this fella. Coz honestly, I cant ever be friends with her if she is ing him. I don’t know if I should email her telling her I Regret everything we had and I will be removing our tattoo and that she is dead to me. Or if I should jus tell her I love her and cherish our moments but I cant look at you the same way and its best for me that I never talk to you again. Also tell her she should remember her dad every time she s him and every time she looks at her tattoo that she should remember the pain she caused me coz that’s the same pain her dad caused her mom.

Or If I should just not say anything and just delete her off of everything. Cold turkey kind of.

The problem is, I have so much to say to her, coz I left without saying anything. So her mindset is still the same as when I left. I feel she hasn’t seen a huge dimension of this situation.

 

Also, do you think it’ll last with her and jack? Considering how it started?

Also, is this guy a rebound or something long lasting?

I want her to repent. Whats the best way? cold turkey or a strong email?

 

 

Also, was it unfair for me to ask her for a face-to-face conversation even though she wanted to end it?

 

Thanks,

Chairs

[JJ2980]

Walk away. They both lack a moral compass when, as you pointed out, they both should have one considering they've seen the effects of cheating firsthand. She doesn't deserve you and whilst you're parted by countries I don't see it getting any better. If anything she'll probably run around with him behind your back. What she did was very cold! If anyone had spoken to me the way she did to you the day her "friend" was over I would've walked out the door and kept walking without looking back. No one who has so little respect for me is worth keeping in my life. I would suggest you find inner strength and get rid of her for good.

[chairs]

Walk away. They both lack a moral compass when, as you pointed out, they both should have one considering they've seen the effects of cheating firsthand. She doesn't deserve you and whilst you're parted by countries I don't see it getting any better. If anything she'll probably run around with him behind your back. What she did was very cold! If anyone had spoken to me the way she did to you the day her "friend" was over I would've walked out the door and kept walking without looking back. No one who has so little respect for me is worth keeping in my life. I would suggest you find inner strength and get rid of her for good.

 

Do u think a strong email saying u are goodbye would help feed into her guilt or would it just make it easier for her?

Something like:

 

"I think its best for me to forget you. Forget us and all we had, the good times and the bad. I am also deeply considering Tattoo Removal. Please do not consider this as petulance and unfairness, it is mere self-preservation. Its really not easy to pallet a betrayal so deep, I wish u could understand this. Im sad the purity of my affections couldn’t survive the sense of my misfortunes. My life was better before I knew you. That is the sad conclusion of this all. And it is a bitter thing to say to the one being I have ever loved. You are dead to me and you will never know me again. "

Completely cut her off after something like this....

 

 

Also, do u think he's a rebound and that they'd work out?

[JJ2980]

She's young. You both are. I doubt they'll last long term. In saying that she might mature one day and settle.

 

He isn't the problem. She is. Do you really want to be with someone who treated you that disrespectfully? It's something I could forgive as time passed but I'd never get back with her and I wouldn't forget it either.

 

If you want to send a final email to give yourself closure then go ahead but I'm telling you now that it'd be much better for you to just move forward and put her in your past. Much easier said than done, I know.

[chairs]

She's young. You both are. I doubt they'll last long term. In saying that she might mature one day and settle.

 

He isn't the problem. She is. Do you really want to be with someone who treated you that disrespectfully? It's something I could forgive as time passed but I'd never get back with her and I wouldn't forget it either.

 

If you want to send a final email to give yourself closure then go ahead but I'm telling you now that it'd be much better for you to just move forward and put her in your past. Much easier said than done, I know.

 

 

 

 

Is something like this too much?

Sorry for trying to be babied into this but i dont really have anybody to ask.

 

Jane,

 

Our amazing loving, tender relationship has ended in such ruin.

I often thought what we gave each other was so much that no amount of pain could take it back. That your friendship and your tender could forever warm me up when I look at the you inside of me. But I slowly am coming to the conclusion that U are not what u pretended to be.

 

We can constantly blame each other for what happened, but I feel each of us must take the blame for what we deserve, no more, no less.

 

I messed up in the relationship, I agree. It was horrible to put you through that summer of neglect. It is shocking I would do that to my my rock, my pet, my master, my lover, my soul, my Angel, My Saan, My own beating heart. I am sorry for that. I know for sure I would never do that to the next girl I fall in love with. In fact I will douse her with so much fiery passion, affection, collarbone kisses and head tilts that it will fuel our love for a lifetime.

 

I loved you for 2.5 years, and was your friend for 4.5 years; it’s not easy to just let u go over the phone. U know this, you couldn’t let go of Jack after barely knowing him for 3 weeks so I’m sure you can understand why it was tough for me to just simply let u go. Anybody in my position would have tried their level best to save it no matter how late it may have been.

I came to USA to tell u why I behaved the way I did and that I was wholly sorry, I might not have deserved a second chance but we definitely deserved a last fair face-to-face chat.

Although I didn’t allow it for you coz of how cruelly u destroyed me that Sunday, even u wanted to see me in person when u panicked the week I left, so I’m sure u could understand why I felt the need to see you before U were gone forever.

 

U claim u fell out of love for me this summer. If so, then why did u message me asking me to "book your tickets for early September ASAP GOGOGO" on the 13th of August? July end u message me saying we must get a puppy together when I move to NYC. 3rd August U messaged me saying, “Alex, NYC would only be complete once U got here.” July 27th u Message me, “ Alex, I know that I can be anywhere in the world with u and I would be content” To which I replied saying “U are the best I ever had My Bunnerz!!! Lets pack our bags and move to Somalia NOWZ”. On the 8th of August u messaged me saying after u spoke to gin U realized u don't need to date other people coz u know All u want is me. August 29th, 5 hours before u cheated on me u said, "Alex I love u and I can't wait to see u on Tuesday. Wish u were here with me tonight". If u fell out of love “this summer” and before went down why were u making me book my tickets “ASAP” and waste my time and money? Don’t u think that’s a bit unfair? If u truly fell out of love you should have communicated it much before the ‘final straw’. The reality is u were mad I wasn’t coming back for two years and that’s when u felt like lashing out at me. Any other person would have had a nice chat rather than lash out so viciously. I don’t think U need a handbook to know this, and U don’t need to live in a fairy-tale to expect this.

 

 

All said and done, I will never be prideful in front of you, coz with you I never had any, which is why we could grow so much. I can whole-heartedly take blame for a neglectful summer and having a huge part in the failure of our amazing relationship, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to change it.

But Jane, I will take no blame for your failure as a human being. Your cheating stands alone. No excuses, no reasons, no context could ever soften that blow. U of all people should know this. Your own family has suffered the consequences of a cheater’s disregard for other’s emotions. U yourself don’t consider any of your dad’s excuses valid even though he too might have “emotionally checked out” and wanted to seek “affection somewhere else”. So then how can your excuses have any merit? These excuses will only fool you, nobody else. The truth may hurt now, but if u hide from it, it’ll only be Agony in the future. U really need to think about this. U might block it out when your awake, but I'm sure this bothers you in your dreams.

Relationships will come and go, but I feel morals always remain intact. I don’t see Umma losing her morals even though your Dad cheats. It really shows how courageous she is. The best part is she always has a smile on her face not matter how rough her life is. Wow man, She is the best. She is a champion and you have no idea how much I Respect her and Love her after going through a minute version of a betrayal she has gone through.

How do u not think of me and your mother’s pain when u sex Jack as if nothing is wrong? I seriously don’t understand it.

I feel those bruises u showed me only remind me of the bruises on my heart and also the bruises left by your dad on Umma’s heart. That’s only image that lasts with me.

The Pain you put me through is exactly what your dad puts Umma through. Please remember that. It is the pain of not only the loss of somebody you loved, but also somebody you considered to be a True friend. And that is saddest part. I hope one day when u look into Umma’s eyes and see immense pain coz of the betrayal she faced, u can see some of my pain in her eyes.

Honestly, u just proved to me even though u claim to sympathize with your mom, it all really begins and ends at that. Because when it comes to actually living by what she has brought u up to be, u really are nothing like her. The fact that u can so guiltlessly sex the guy who u used as a pawn to destroy us is shocking. It is so horribly wrong. It shocks me that you can live with this hypocrisy.

How is this possible? Who is the real you?

 

What u did would even hurt an enemy, coz u didn’t just do it once, u did it multiple times and even after you swore on your own mother’s life. Which is the most shocking. U can say it was messed up for me to ask you to do that, but look what u reduced us to. I trusted you blindly throughout our 2.5 years. I never once questioned you or ever curbed your style. Never. But in that last month all I could do was ask u to swear on your mom, coz sadly there was no other way of actually trusting you.

 

Jane, just remember I loved you deeply. I wanted to live with you in Barcelona with farms of Peonies and a (Spider-Free) Rustic house full of French Bulldogs with little moustaches, Pugs, Sloths and Baby Raccoons. I wanted to marry u and help u take care of Umma. I wanted our moms to be friends coz they are so warm and gentle and would have made the best of friends. We were so connected. We enhanced each other and kept each other on the right track in life. I could only be this ambitious coz u nurtured me into it. We drove each other to achieve the best. When u quit your beloved fashion for film I supported you whole-heartedly and yet at the same time maintained that your talent in fashion was untouchable by most, just so u wouldn’t quit fashion thinking you were sub par, but quit on an absolute high. Your emotions were contagious to me, your laughs warmed my heart like an Indian summer and your six toothed smile on your mango shaped face just always made me want to jump around with my hands in the air screaming and tell u how much I loved you. When u felt Pain it made me want to shrivel up into a coil with u but at the same time stay strong for you, so U have the strength to regain your balance vicariously through me. I could tell what u felt even if I were to close my eyes and ears. I would sense the slightest of tremors of a pinky toe wiggle and know exactly what’s up in your head.

By the way here’s an email I had once sent u on receiving a text from you.

“AHHHH!



What a lovely surprise! 

 My Buns!

I can’t wait to get back to USA! And just hug and break each other’s backs so we can feel like we are one person! 



Miss u so much! 



I love when I Skype you at night and wake up to your text the next Marn.

You light the candle to my day and blow it out 



It’s so easy to love you. 





Yours, 



Alexander”

 

It was so awesome when u went to Toby’s sister’s wedding wearing my Great Grandmother’s jewelry. Seeing u in something my great grandfather bought for my great-grandmother. I remember melting and thinking how amazing it would be to see u wear that for the rest of my life, coz u wore it with such befitting elegance and charm. Wow.

U were a daughter to my mother and father. A grand daughter to my Nana. An older sister to John, Jake and Joei. U were their Golden girl, and most of all you were their friend. The amount they loved you was amazing. There were like 30 people at the gate when u were leaving Dubai, do u remember? I didn’t get a farewell like that even when I left for college. I think u felt the love when u cried when u were about to leave. I know u thought deep inside that u felt u were leaving a family behind. I really wish u thought of all this before all this got destroyed, we lost in moment what took us years to build. Even if we would have “ended anyways” in September, I think we would have still been the best of friends. But now this is all jumbled and I am too afraid to be hurt by you. I fear the pain u are capable of causing.

Jane, unfortunately now I am left with the feelings of regret and bitterness slowly replacing the place in my heart, which once harboured love and warmth for you. I don’t think I know who u are anymore. Upon thinking of the you in NYC and the you I always loved, I am left in limbo, not knowing which one is the real you.

I could live my life with a feeling of vengeance and hate for the way everything panned out, but I wont. I loved you and that is not fair to what we shared. At the same time it is also not fair for me to try and continue to love you even as a friend after what u put me through.

I think its best for me to forget you. Forget us and all we had, the good times and the bad. I am also deeply considering Tattoo Removal. Do not consider this as petulance and unfairness; it is mere self-preservation. It’s really not easy to pallet a betrayal so deep; I wish u could understand this. Maybe one day you will, but I will never know. I’m sad the purity of my affections couldn’t survive the sense of my misfortunes. Jane, My life was better before I knew you. That is the sad conclusion of this all. And it is a bitter thing to say to the one being I have ever loved. You are dead to me and you will never know me again.

 

 

-Alex

[No1]

So in all honesty what would you expect from a young girl after not seeing her 'boyfriend' after 16months? You think she was just going to play with herself and think about you and that was good enough? And you really think you have that much power to tell a girl from half a world away to not see a guy? Look, the truth is you two are half a world away, the reality is that altho you loved the control, it was only an illusion. Where did you think it was going to lead to? One of you was going to have to move and did you think she was going to live in Dubai?

I feel you in regards to a heartbreak. But in a LDR something is going to have to give. You cant expect a woman to be that faithful after a year or so. Some will, but there will be a percentage that dont. And it was quite simple "jack" was there and you were not. I learned that you need 3 things with regards to love. "Touch me, tell me, show me" You could only tell her you loved her, but you couldnt touch her, or take her out to dinner, or show her you loved her. She needed the Touch me part and you were not there. So she went out and filled that need. She loves it when you are there, but you are only part time. Jack is full time and you will lose.

If you have no plans to move to NYC or have her move to Dubai within the next few weeks, then you will have to let her go. What you are trying to do is still control her and she is fighting you. Something has to give.