Are we holding each other back?

[GreySkyEyes]

Last month I was close to breaking up with my bf of 2 years due to feeling like I need to grow independently for a while and experience more since we've only ever been with each other (see previous post). We're both young, 22 and 23, and i'm scared of settling down and making sacrifices that I could later regret. After a while of reflection and misery I talked to my bf about what I had been feeling and ultimately decided that I wanted to stay together and try to grow without losing him.

 

I encouraged him to work on himself as well and he has. Then this weekend he got very upset with me and said i'm pushing him to do things but still demanding time with him (we only see each other twice a week), and he even suggested taking a break or not talking to me during the work week (we usually just have a 10 minute phone call at the end of the day and/or on his lunch break) so that he has time to do his stuff. I tried to be understanding, but i've barely talked to him this week and it makes me feel completely distant from him. I know he's only trying to do the things that I asked him to, but barely hearing from him makes me feel terrible. To me it doesn't seem like the little bit of time we spend together/talk on the phone is that big of a burden.

 

He said that he would be 'paralyzed' if he lost me, but at the same time he's asking me for time apart. He's alluded to wanting to marry me some day but how could that work if we have to take time apart every time we want to accomplish something? Should we just break up? I know that would hurt us both, but it seems like we're holding each other back right now.

[mhowe]

Once the can of worms is opened...it is hard to ignore. Both of you are now questioning the future and the relationship. Let go and move.on.

[Hopelessromant]

Recently my boyfriend broke up with me. I remember most of the time I was with him I kept saying to myself how I got into a relationship at a time I wanted to be single and grow. I was always wanting that and it lead to fights.

 

Trust me when I tell you, you don't have to be alone to grow. I regret all the fights and arguments and I wish I could go back and be with him again. None of what I wanted matters now

 

I think once you realize that he is more important than anything, your arguments and this rocky patch will end. It only happens because of uncertainty. Don't beg or plead or apologize too much as guys tend to get addicted to that and continue to blame you. Just make sure you tell him you'd rather be with him then not. I'm sure he misses you right now.

[GreySkyEyes]

I tried not to bug him this week, but yesterday after barely talking to him all day he texted me just saying "goodnight" so I responded and asked a quick question about his day. He sent me a terse reply and did the same when I sent him a brief good morning text the next day. I asked if he was okay and he said "we need to talk," so I told him I would meet him Friday and would leave him alone until then. Its absolutely killing me to refrain from reaching out to him. I don't know whats going through his head at all right now and waiting two days to find out is torture. I keep alternating between "i'll break up for him, its what he needs" and "but i love him so much." Please give me any advice you can right now, i'm hurting and confused.

[iam42]

sadly, doubt is contagious -- and can sometimes weaken bonds, especially if both partners are going through stress or a growth spurt. this was a hard lesson for me to learn -- that complaining and expressing doubts and pushing eventually leads the other person questions if the relationship is best for them, too. all you can do now is to be patient and gracious. you will be ok.