Confusing situation... Break up now or after the holidays?

[StrongBalance2]

I have posted a few other threads on this topic and I'm really internally confused.

 

Long story short - my girlfriend of almost 6 years and I love each other dearly and live together. Our day-to-day life is mostly enjoyable: we're great friends, we have fun together, plenty of sexual chemistry, and there is a depth to our relationship that I've never shared with anyone else. The same is true for her.

 

BUT, she is taking me for granted and says so, is building a life/career that specifically involves lots of time apart/traveling, and has expressed doubts about us (fear of commitment, thinks maybe she needs a break to be sure about us, etc.). It's horrible, because short-term, everything feels mostly fine. Long-term, I can tell we're not on the same page and I'll only get hurt if I let her have her cake and eat it.

 

I'm going to break up with her (because she won't change, and it's not going to work for me long-term). I'm sure about that.

 

However, I'm not sure if I feel ready to end it just yet. I know I need to, and I'll be a doormat if I let things continue much longer, but I'm internally conflicted about when to end it. Especially with our day-to-day being happy most of the time.

 

The holidays are coming up and we have flights booked to see my family. I don't know whether to end it and cancel her flight (leaving her alone in our house for the holidays), or to wait until after the New Year, spend the next 6 weeks together enjoying the last bit of our time together, and then end it.

[annie24]

I think sooner is probably better than later.

[mhowe]

Does she not know a break up is immanent?

[StrongBalance2]

In theory, I agree sooner is better. That's what my rational brain wants too. My heart seems to be enjoying the time together and wants to hold on a little longer.

 

I have emotionally guarded myself - it's almost as though I am okay with it ending soon. Tears are now rare, and I'm enjoying the last few weeks together. It's weird to feel that way, but I guess that's why I hold on - it feels like an appreciation of what we've shared - and how I've grown and transformed as a person. I still find enjoyment in the relationship, while knowing it won't serve me long-term. It's over, and I'm finding peace in spending these final days together before we part ways.

 

She does not know a breakup is immanent - but she probably senses it, or knows deep down. After all, she set the stage for this breakup and knows I deserve to be treated with far more love/respect.

[mhowe]

Why not give her a vote? Then she will have time to make plans for holidays. It seems kinda disingenuous to go thru the holidays as a couple and then break up.

[GreySkyEyes]

I think before the holidays would be better for both of you. It will make it easier, as the happiness and comfort of having her with you at home might make you change your mind or at least struggle with the decision a little more. It will also be less confusing for her, since she is already somewhat out of the loop so having the breakup after a happy holiday season as a couple will just make it harder on her. Also, if your family is anything like mine they are likely to pry with comments like "when are you getting married" or "I want some grandchildren" which could be uncomfortable to answer when you know you're planning a break up.

[solamente]

Why not give her a vote? Then she will have time to make plans for holidays. It seems kinda disingenuous to go thru the holidays as a couple and then break up.

 

i agree. discuss it with her. perhaps you both will agree it's best to end it now, or you both will agree that you want to spend the holidays together and deal with it after. since it seems as if your communication is at this level, there should be no real problem talking about it. also, it gives her a heads up; time to think about what she really, really wants.

 

an ex-b/f and i had these types of discussions when we knew we weren't going to be compatible for marriage. it took a little while to totally break it off, and i don't think it would have been better had one of us blind-sided the other. we got to come to terms with it and let it wind down when it was time. once you both truly agree that long-term isn't going to work, you will both be ready to let go. not saying it will be easy though, it is heart-wrenching to walk away from a great relationship/person.

[abitbroken]

Did you discuss what moving in together meant before you did it? or do neither of you know where it is going?

 

Also, after 6 years - are you discussing marriage and she has cold feet? Or has it never been on the table? I would be getting the itch after 6 years if it wasn't on the table. I am not saying to propose but i might start checking out if nothing moved in that direction

[StrongBalance2]

It sounds like the consensus is before the holidays. I guess it's time to face the inevitable, as much as I wish things could have worked out with her. I tried for so very long, but it takes two. Like you said, solamente, it's heart-wrenching. I'm planning to break up in person, calmly and with as much grace as possible, and will move out very shortly after.

 

Most of my family knows things have been on the rocks with us for a while, because they've seen her pull away and asked about it. They want her to either step up and be a true partner, or see me find someone who will be an equal. The same feedback has arrived on this helpful forum - and I've shared the much more intimate details here.

 

abitbroken - We were inseparable. We talked about marriage, kids, and we both wanted this beautiful life together. It's actually the one we have right now, minus her pulling away, slowly, steadily and in deeply hurtful ways that made me feel rejected, unimportant, unloved and unappreciated. She would pull me back in with love and affection, but long-term, I'm no longer a priority. I'm an option to her, or a backburner / support system. She wants autonomy and independence, without putting an acceptable level of effort into making 'us' work. It's the opposite of cold feet. It's slowly pulling away and taking me for granted.

[HeartGoesOn]

There's never a good time, but sooner rather than later is a better choice, IMO. Having said that, it looks like you gave it your all, yet unfortunately there are no guarantees in life.

 

I hope you find your way...

[Edmund Exley]

My ex wife played along until after the holidays. It gave me the thoughts we may work it out. She moved on in January. I resent that she let me buy her meaningful things like commemorative ornaments and such, knowing she had given up. Do it now.

[Realitynut]

I HATED being dumped just before the Holidays. I vote for after...but then again...that's just me. I'm always the odd man out on this board! lol

 

But then again does she really know??? Have you suggested that you are thinking of breaking up? Will it come as a complete shock?

 

If you guys get along so great, and she's just been putting her career ahead of you, maybe she just needs a wake up call?

[journeynow]

BUT, she is taking me for granted and says so, is building a life/career that specifically involves lots of time apart/traveling, and has expressed doubts about us (fear of commitment, thinks maybe she needs a break to be sure about us, etc.). It's horrible, because short-term, everything feels mostly fine. Long-term, I can tell we're not on the same page and I'll only get hurt if I let her have her cake and eat it.

 

If she knows she is taking you for granted, is making life plans away from you, thinks she needs a break, etc, sounds like you could be out in the open now. Say just what you said, short term everything is mostly fine (except maybe being taken for granted?) but long-term you two are not on the same page. Sounds like it could be a mutual parting of ways, which might make is smoother all around.

 

I'm not a fan of deciding to break up but keeping it under wraps until the timing is right. Can make the other one feel it's out of the blue.

[solamente]

I'm not a fan of deciding to break up but keeping it under wraps until the timing is right. Can make the other one feel it's out of the blue.

 

right. i think it shows a lot of respect to openly communicate what is going on. that is why there are so many people here who are reeling from break-ups, people just don't treat others with basic respect anymore. which i guess is the reason for so many break-ups, duh.

[StrongBalance2]

Thanks for the very helpful feedback.

 

Ironically, I already have a very meaningful gift ready for her. She was gone for our anniversary, both of our birthdays, and after nothing was rescheduled/done for any of those events (even though I tried), I doubt she has anything meaningful planned for me for Christmas.

 

Does she know? I think she knows she's pushed me to a point where I have no good options. She knows I want commitment (even if it doesn't mean marriage, since that scares her), and yet, autonomy/independence are what she wants. I feel like she has just pulled away slowly over time, hoping I will get fed up and end it. She basically ended it a couple months ago with her words - without actually saying it's over. And if I had agreed then, it would have been over.

 

It's more than just her career. She really doesn't value me and takes me for granted in so many ways. When she admitted it, but didn't change her behavior, that's what really broke things for me.

 

journeynow - yes, I agree. I'm not keeping it under wraps for any other reason than to allow myself to prepare emotionally, and enjoy what I know will be our last few weeks together. She has been selfish for so long. This is really for me, and I'm okay with letting go on a timetable that gives me some peace, knowing that I really gave it my all, including ample time for her to change (but only if the change came from her true desire, not pressure or perceived obligation).

 

I'm going to respect her completely, and will calmly share my feelings with her soon, once I'm really strong enough for this to be 100% over.

 

I expect her to mutually agree to breaking up. I don't know how to react if she suddenly wants to try to fix things again? It would be hard to trust that her feelings are real, rather than just the fear of losing me?

[fruitsmoothie]

StrongBalance2, just to say, I totally feel for you. I'm in a pretty similar situation right now. We've been together for almost 5 years too. I'm contemplating doing the same thing as you, and it's incredibly painful, even thinking about it makes me ache. I hope your girlfriend comes round and realizes how lucky she is to have you. I wish you the best of luck for whatever you decide to do.