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I am so hurt and it will not go away


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This is going to be very long winded, but I have been needing to write this out for some time.


First, I tried meds and therapy. I lost a high paying job and all my confidence.


A little about me:


I was very confident in myself before this break up. I’m educated and told I’m good looking.


My ex and I were together for 5 years. We met while working in the rocky mountains and traveled for nearly all of our relationship. We lived in Australia and all over Canada.


She initially chased me and I did not want to be with her as I was only 10 months out of a 6 years relationship. She is very beautiful. Blonde with blue eyes innocent type personality. When we moved to our second place she said her career was more important than a relationship. I understand that but it entailed potentially leaving internationally for 18 months. We decided to try no matter what happened and since the relationship was new I figured there could be compromise if we became closer.


I left to teach in Korea and came back because I missed her to much. Also, my contract was not being held in accordance with pay and living allowance. When I quit and called her she said a limo was waiting for her friends bday and could not even talk to me.


I came home and we moved back to the mountains. We were young and drank often. We fought quite a lot.


In Australia I explained to her that if she was to leave for 18 months I would have to go. She said I was selfish. I said I was sorry and could compromise a few months here and there but 18 is to much. She said that she loved me and after traveling wanted to to not be away that long anyway.


My ex was very kind day to day and never nagged. However, she did crazy **** when drinking. One time the police took her home passed out in a 7/11, found her passed out in the bath tub in Thailand, hit me with a bottle when we were wrestling around (seriously) we were just playing, and got beat up one night for being in a fight with girls at a bar.


Your probably thinking good riddance but she smartened up and like I said it was Jekyl and Hyde when she drank but good day to day.


In April, she said she did not love me anymore and if she stayed it would only be for me. I figured we were fighting quite a bit and always seemed to have our guards up. I asked to try but she said she would only being trying for me. We talked more and she decided to stay.


In June she said she was feeling better and then went home to Toronto to visit. I asked her quite often how she felt and she said I already told u . In Toronto she broke up with me over the phone.


She said she never loved me and was never truly attracted to me. She then said she would plan to leave me each year and kept going to places she did not want to travel to. Also, that all I wanted was my grip on her. Her friends thrashed me and said I was controlling. I met these people twice. I am a guy who is far from perfect but not possessive.


So, she came back from Toronto. Decided to try work things out but said I ask to many questions about the relationship. And I told her it’s because I am worried. We gave it a shot. Our sex life came back and we were affectionate. This goes on for a month.


Then we had stuff to do one morning at 8am and after working at her bar she was out till 5am. I got scared as she would not answer my texts then she answered saying she lost track of time. She said she could not get a taxi and slept at her friends. I was pissed the next day and yelled because I thought she was in trouble.


We spend the day together and make up. She is being lovey and caring. Then two nights later, she is at her friends and says she is going to stay another hour and I am already downtown to meet her. I know she is going to talk about me I can sense it. The next day she says that she is confused. That night she said she is going to stay for a drink after work. I say ok but please come home tonight. 3AM I try to call she turns off her phone and texts me saying sorry I’m not coming home having to much fun. The next day breaks up with me.


Says all the stuff about never loving me again and knowing the whole time she would leave. She said she was playing a role trying to see how she felt. I tell her get the **** out. I visited home and when I came back I tried to have a coffee with her. She said how she kissed another guy etc. Then I really messed up I tried to kill myself. She spent the night as I was messed up. That night she told me to please not do this on her birthday and she forgot to organize a camping trip. I honestly still felt terrible the next day and called to apologize. But I really **** up it was not an attention thing. She told me she needed space. I figured I should listen. That night she pocket dials my mother and leaves a 5 minute msg on her answering machine. So I call and she has one of the guys she works with answer her phone. I said just ask her why she called my mother at 3am. He passes her the phone and she acts snotty.


I called her to sort out the end of our lease 2 months later and she snaps on me. Says why didn’t you leave me leave 3 years ago, my friends and family are so happy were broke up, and that her life is great. That she always did what I wanted to do. I always tried to get her involved in decisions, wrote the resumes, applied for the jobs, and went to Australia with her? I can have a bit of a temper but I never tell people what to do. No matter what I say she blames everything on me. Even those crazy drunken things she did. She said she let loose because she was so unhappy in the relationship.


So, why can’t I leave this go it’s still keeping me in bed everyday. I hate being alone and only remember the parts about her that were sweet and caring. I feel like I caused this from pulling away during the years from affection. I also had problems with bills but sorted everything out at the end. I just feel like this is never going to stop that people change because their over-stimulated nowadays.

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She might be taking you for granted because you're always there for her.

Take a time for yourself, clear your head and decide if she is worth it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her? She needs to change. She needs to learn a lesson. I say leave her for now. If she changes and still wants you, give it another try.

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So you follow this girl around the world and she gives you grief when she drinks she gives you headache and problems and you still want to be with her? Explain why this hurt will not go away again? Is she so hot that you are afraid you wont another hot girl? Is it your Ego taking a big hit because you lost this hot girl? It cant be because of her mind because she is totally using you and loves it that you are there and available to her 100% of the time. So why is it that you cant let her go?

I understand that when things are good they are good, when they are bad they suck. But why would you want to be with a girl that doesnt really want to be with you? Why are you crying over a girl like that?

I think that its the idea of her you love, and her looks but c'mon there are millions of hot girls out there. But the big picture is really you. You said it right there in your last paragraph, you hate being alone. Its like you equate alone with lonliness and its not true. Look, when you were alone in Korea did you ever feel lonley? Id say no because you knew she was there and you thought she loved you so you used that to help you. It made you feel better knowing you were loved. Now that you are single, you think its the end of the world and its not. Have you looked at it like this, that God removed her from your life to make room for someone better? I hate to tell you, but she is not the best for you and the right one for you is out there. What happenes when you fall down? You get back up. Crying and laying there isnt going to help you and do you think love will find you as you lay on the floor? No, its not. So accept that this is probably the best for you. You dont need meds or therapy to tell you that. You need to look at yourself and know things are okay. You have the internet, a place to live, food in your stomach and you have money. Many of the population doesnt know where their next meal will be, or some are out there fighting cancer and you are crying over a girl? Life is good in your case...You are single, so what.. does not mean you are lonely.. means you are free to meet whomever you want.

Stand up.... brush yourself off...man up..dont let her beat you and make yourself happy

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