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Alright I'm in a little trouble with my current relationship. It's not too much trouble because this can definitely be fixed, and I am very much so doing that.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months now. We previously dated 2 years ago for a few months and she broke up with me because I was going to college 3 hours away and she didn't believe in LDR.

At that time we were both young and she was still in high school, so obviously the maturity level for both of us was not there.

 

But throughout the years I have grown to know nobody liker her. It's like I always wanted her no matter how many girls I've experienced my college days with, I always still wanted her.

 

People have told me that when I'm in college I'll forget all about her, but time did tell and I always wanted her, and still do.

 

Coincidentally she now attends the same college I do and during summer, before school started, we got back together.

 

I had my doubts, because this was the same girl who I've always adored and loved, but I also knew that college would be a whole new experience for her, so going into college for the first time for her I was very skeptical.

 

But she has surprised me. My overall fear would be that she'd give in to the college scene and dump me. But she's shown me that she is way more mature now and can handle a relationship.

 

It's honestly so crazy to me because I remember the first time I ever signed up on eNotalone 2 years ago because I was overwhemingly heartbroken when she broke up with me the first time. We got back together in December that year and she broke up again. Mainly impart was of the long distance and she was still in high school. After breaking up in January, those months were the hardest because I thought about her every day, but I couldn't speak to her because I believed in NC.

 

Then this summer (almost 2 years later) I work at a diabetes camp where she went every summer. She didn't go that summer, but I got the job because my college was offering it in my nutrition program.

 

Anyways she found out I worked there and we started communicating again while I had another girlfriend at the time...

 

Basically we hung a few weeks later at her place and had sex for the first time while with my girlfriend (who is now my ex girlfriend). It was crazy because when we first dated we never had sex mainly cause I wanted to save it for an amazing time with her. But it never happened.

 

I will say that a few weeks later I broke up with my girlfriend for my current girlfriend now. I did it because even though I was with my past girlfriend, I knew she could never make me happy like my girlfriend now could. (the one I dated in high school)

_________________________________________________

 

 

Fast forward to now. I just wanna say it's so crazy how the circumstances turned out. NC does work, but you NEED to be patient.

 

That being said, we are 4 months into this relationship. She talks about marriage with me and we really do love each other. The problem is I may have becme somewhat clingy. In some ways, I can see that, but I strive to make sure that is not the case.

 

 

Recently we've been arguing a little more. It is mainly because of my bickerness, but it is because of her personality. She does not keep promises. Yes, they are small promises (for now) but it disappoints me. Whether it being she says she'll spend the night tonight or were gonna hang out, she sometimes doesn't follow through.

 

I believe if you say something like that, then you need to keep your word. If she can't keep her word, then don't PROMISE IT! She thinks I won't understand, but I will. Yeah I may be a little upset, but as long as she tells me ahead of time, then I'll understand and prevent me from ruining my plans. Because if were hanging out, and she flakes out, then I wasted my time planning stuff with her when I could have been doing something else.

 

She is lazy, and I have come to realize that whatever she does, it is not personal towards me. And yes everyone, even though she is lazy, I am totally fine with it because she still cares and loves me.

 

So the other day she goes outta town an hour away with her new best friend to hang out for the night. I asked later that night around 1am if she wanted to come back and stay the night at my place after we both partied. She said yes, and I was happy to hear that.

 

1am came around and she passed out because she smoked some marijuana and it made her tired. I was disappointed because once again she broke her promise. I simply texted her "I honestly wish you'd keep your word. Goodnight Megan."

 

The next day she ended up staying out of town until that night and she agreed to come over and we would talk.

 

She came over the next night and it was serious. She was saying how I was too clingy and how I do so much for her and that I shouldn't.

 

(Let me pause the story) I may have done too much stuff for her, so let me explain.

 

I bought us a waterpipe because she loves smoking. She got me into smoking so I bought this really nice piece for 800 dollars. Let me say I DID NOT BUY THIS FOR HER. If I did, then that would be considered clingy lol. I bought it for both of us. She can use it whenever she wants because I wanted her to but it is mine when it comes down to it.

I also did her 3 and a half page essay (you can consider this a little clingy, but I didn't do it just because) She was stuggling in school and her grades were not the best. She broke down one day saying "there's only a month left a school and there's no point anymore"... She forgot to do that paper, so I told her I'd stay up and do it for her. I told her because I don't want her to give up in school. Giving up would mean she'd probably go back home after the end of spring and I am pretty sure LDR would not be favorable for both of us. So I did her paper if she promised me she'd stay motivated in school. The paper was more for encouragement. And trust me, I wouldn't just do that all the time for her. I did that to keep her motvated.

 

Anyways I can also think why she'd think I'm clingy cause she said I take time away from her new friend. Which is somewhat true, but I mean it's not my intentions. Once she told me that night that I take away from her friends, then I told myself I am going to make myself less available.

 

I feel like sometimes you have to play games in the relationship. What I mean by that is if she thinks I am being too clingy then I will purposely make myself less available to hang out.

 

 

So far so good I feel like during this week. We've only hung out once a day and not even that long. Last night she was kinda shocked that I had plans to work out and do my homework because she was the one who asked me to go eat with her. After that she just assumed we had the whole night to ourselves and I told her I didn't know you wanted to hang out and stay the night at my place. She said she was sorry because I was right.

 

 

So guys I am asking, do yall believe I was being too clingy in the first place? And do you have any advice on what I can do to turn this relationship in my favor for now?

 

 

Lastly, and this is my main problem, I don't want her to disappoint me anymore with broken promises, but when I tried telling her that it was hurting me with her broken promises, she just said "look it's not a big deal if i dont spend the night with you one night; youre being clingy" Which is stupid because it's not about spending the night. It's about keeping your word.

 

 

Thanks guys!

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Doing someone else's report is not clingy - it is cheating.

 

As far as breaking promises. Saying you are going to sleep over tonight and then change your mind is not breaking a promise. It is changing your mind or the night didn't work like you thought. A promise is a vow. not something wants to do so talks about it, and then is breaking a promise for not doing it.

 

feel like sometimes you have to play games in the relationship.

 

No you don't!

 

Just pick a date night and stick to it. Instead of hanging out constantly. Make plans. Have a date night. or two. Don't say you are busy to play games. get involved in something yourself. You shouldn't be together 24/7.

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Had the same thought about promising....she.hasn't. She has made plans...and life intrudes.

She doesn't.need to come over after plans with a friend.

Ditto re: the paper. Not helping. Cheating.

Water pipe ---downright rediculous wasteful expenditure.

Develop other.interests.

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Doing someone else's report is not clingy - it is cheating.

 

As far as breaking promises. Saying you are going to sleep over tonight and then change your mind is not breaking a promise. It is changing your mind or the night didn't work like you thought. A promise is a vow. not something wants to do so talks about it, and then is breaking a promise for not doing it.

 

feel like sometimes you have to play games in the relationship.

 

No you don't!

 

Just pick a date night and stick to it. Instead of hanging out constantly. Make plans. Have a date night. or two. Don't say you are busy to play games. get involved in something yourself. You shouldn't be together 24/7.

 

 

I like the idea of a date night. I guess it's something to look forward to each week.

 

And yea youre right, this week I have thought about it and I really don't have to see her every day. If it happens then it happens.

 

It's just we live like a mile away from each so it's weird I guess if we dont hang out at least for an hour each day.

 

 

And as for the paper. Y'all are missing the point. Yeah it's cheating. Big whoop, that has nothing to do with the relationship lol

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Had the same thought about promising....she.hasn't. She has made plans...and life intrudes.

She doesn't.need to come over after plans with a friend.

Ditto re: the paper. Not helping. Cheating.

Water pipe ---downright rediculous wasteful expenditure.

Develop other.interests.

 

You're right she doesn't have to come over, but she said she would at the end of the night. Like I am cool if she woulda said no, but if she says "Yes, I would love to spend the night" then I am gonna make plans around her spending the night.

 

If she would have said "Sorry babe, I'm gonna have girls' night tonight" Then I would have understood and made different plans.

 

So do you see how that would be frustrating when I make plans to come home after the night only for her to fall asleep and flake out on the plans? I could have stayed out with my guy friends doing other stuff...

 

That's your opinion for the water pipe. You can't just say it's a wasteful expenditure because that is your opinion with no foundation behind it.

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Ummm.it is my opinion and I can actually say anything I want!

 

And seeing her everyday because you live a mile apart...what?

Again...clingy behavior.

How about when she says she is going out with the girls, you say "fine"...not "can you come by after".

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And as for the paper. Y'all are missing the point. Yeah it's cheating. Big whoop, that has nothing to do with the relationship lol

 

YES it does. it means you have horrible boundaries. She needs to take care of her own business. She needs to make her own responsibilities otherwise you have someone who doesn't lift a finger because boyfriend does EVery. Single. Thing. For. Them,

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You're right she doesn't have to come over, but she said she would at the end of the night. Like I am cool if she woulda said no, but if she says "Yes, I would love to spend the night" then I am gonna make plans around her spending the night.

 

If she would have said "Sorry babe, I'm gonna have girls' night tonight" Then I would have understood and made different plans.

 

So do you see how that would be frustrating when I make plans to come home after the night only for her to fall asleep and flake out on the plans? I could have stayed out with my guy friends doing other stuff...

 

That's your opinion for the water pipe. You can't just say it's a wasteful expenditure because that is your opinion with no foundation behind it.

 

Then stay out with the guys if its your night with the guys. If i was sitting at home waiting for my boyfriend to be free at 11 pm, i would probably fall asleep too.

 

Have her spend the night when she is spending time with you earlier and it leads to spending the night. Not coming over to spend the night at 10, 11, midnight just to spend the night.

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Tell me again why you are working so hard for this girl? I think when people find themselves busting their butts over someone and trying to please them, it's usually cause they have their heads up their own butts about what that person really is about.

 

You've invested so much in her - you are cheating for her numerous times (first on a girl, then on tests, on yourself for letting yourself be "introduced to pot" by her like it is a gift lol).

 

Ever consider maybe you just screwed up in putting so much stock in this girl?

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Ummm.it is my opinion and I can actually say anything I want!

 

And seeing her everyday because you live a mile apart...what?

Again...clingy behavior.

How about when she says she is going out with the girls, you say "fine"...not "can you come by after".

 

Okay if you're just gonna say "I can say whatever I want" then I don't want your opinion. That's childish, I need advice. Not someone being stubborn

 

And you're being bias now. So I'd appreciate it if you would not comment anymore. Thank you

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YES it does. it means you have horrible boundaries. She needs to take care of her own business. She needs to make her own responsibilities otherwise you have someone who doesn't lift a finger because boyfriend does EVery. Single. Thing. For. Them,

 

Trust me, I only did that for her once to get her motivated again. So don't say "I'm doing every single thing for her" when I clearly mentioned in my post that I did that for her one time to get her motivated. And guess what, that got her motivated again.

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Then stay out with the guys if its your night with the guys. If i was sitting at home waiting for my boyfriend to be free at 11 pm, i would probably fall asleep too.

 

Have her spend the night when she is spending time with you earlier and it leads to spending the night. Not coming over to spend the night at 10, 11, midnight just to spend the night.

 

What you're saying is definitely something that I could do. I'll definitely do my own thing from now on. That's good advice. Thank you

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And why does he do things...buy very expensive drug paraphernalia.... to keep her "tied" to him.

However, the more you do...the more she sees you as a doormat.

 

To keep her tied to me? Lol he got me into smoking. I chose to do that. Sure it would make her happy, but that's my item that I bought for myself. Yes she'll be able to smoke it but that's definitely mine lol.

 

Again you're jumping to conclusions. So instead of jumping to conclusions you could have given me solid advice, but I would rather you not.

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If this is your definition of less available, then yes you are clingy.

 

I guess you are right. Maybe I am clingy in that sense. So what do you suggest is usually not clingy in terms of how often we see each other?

 

We both have meal cards on campus, so sometimes well eat on campus cause were both students. So we usually eat together during the day. Not because I hve to see her, but because it's convenient.

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Tell me again why you are working so hard for this girl? I think when people find themselves busting their butts over someone and trying to please them, it's usually cause they have their heads up their own butts about what that person really is about.

 

You've invested so much in her - you are cheating for her numerous times (first on a girl, then on tests, on yourself for letting yourself be "introduced to pot" by her like it is a gift lol).

 

Ever consider maybe you just screwed up in putting so much stock in this girl?

 

That's a good question. I think why I care so much is I thought when I got to college I'd forget all about her. I didn't. She's the girl I've always thought about and the girl I've always wanted. I can honest say she's the girl that will make me the happiest. I've been in other relationships and never been quite as happy when I was with her.

 

I've been in 4 relationships. The only girl I've ever cheated on is my last gf because it was on my gf now. And a month later I started dating my current gf.

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Wow I can't believe how negative people are being on here...sorry about that! I get where you are coming from, I think that it would be frustrating to make plans and have her flake at the last minute constantly. It's not something she does all the time, but frequently. I don't really know why people are saying that's ok...sounds like she's not a bad person just extremely flakey. It just sounds that you guys are very different and you just need to really think about what makes you happy and what you are willing to accommodate to if you really love her. If you know you can't adjust your expectations for the way she is, then you might want to move on to someone who is more in line with your expectations for a relationship.

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I think the negativity on the purchase has to do with what the item is, not really how much. This is an item for an illegal activity, which she got you into. It'd probably be different if you bought two PS4s so that she could play alongside you while you play, or something like that. As far as being clingy, I don't think the purchase has anything to do with it, unless you told her it was for her. But you definitely need to start doing your own thing and make her "part" of YOUR life instead of making her your life.

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Drug paraphernalia aside, I do think it sounds like you are coming off as clingy.

 

Why?

 

Well the cheating is the first major red flag. You might not see it as a 'big deal' but what you did could get you expelled from college/university. If I was with someone and they offered to write a paper for me when I was at University, I would take a good long look at whether that was the right relationship for me to be in. I personally would see any guy who was so desperate to keep me in school (for whatever reason) that he would risk his own academic future (and mine if we were caught) as being a doormat and clingy.

 

So yeah, the cheating does say something about the relationship.

 

I would also view a guy who was willing to have sex with me while in a relationship from a suspicious/clingy lense. It doesn't matter if that is the first/only time you have ever done it, it would still give me pause. It wouldn't rule a guy out, but I would definitely approach with caution.

 

The fact that you seem to need her to be available constantly. That does come accross as needy. Yes it is annoying if someone is ALWAYS cancelling their plans, but if it happens now and again, then you just go with it. You guys aren't married and you are still in early stages. You may have years of emotions still invested in this girl but she might not have.

 

Finally, NO relationships are not about "game playing" but you do need to be a whole person before a relationship can ever truly work. If you are allowing her to dictate your happiness or basing your worth on your strength as a couple then you haven't figured that out yet. You need to have time for yourself - not to play games with her, but to develop your own worth and value as an individual. It is essential - even in marriage.

 

Get some space.

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Wow I can't believe how negative people are being on here...sorry about that! I get where you are coming from, I think that it would be frustrating to make plans and have her flake at the last minute constantly. It's not something she does all the time, but frequently. I don't really know why people are saying that's ok...sounds like she's not a bad person just extremely flakey. It just sounds that you guys are very different and you just need to really think about what makes you happy and what you are willing to accommodate to if you really love her. If you know you can't adjust your expectations for the way she is, then you might want to move on to someone who is more in line with your expectations for a relationship.

 

EXACTLY thank you! I think it's very immature that she flakes out on me. It's becoming consistent so it hurtse that she thinks it's okay to say something but then go back on her word even if it's small. She'll think it's okay in the future to do so...

 

Were kinda different right now with expectations. Maybe I'll be able to adjust but ultimately if it keeps hurting me then I may get tired of it.

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I think the negativity on the purchase has to do with what the item is, not really how much. This is an item for an illegal activity, which she got you into. It'd probably be different if you bought two PS4s so that she could play alongside you while you play, or something like that. As far as being clingy, I don't think the purchase has anything to do with it, unless you told her it was for her. But you definitely need to start doing your own thing and make her "part" of YOUR life instead of making her your life.

 

It is illegal but y'all also need to know this is legal in other states. You all have your own opinions on this which I respect. When we both do this, we do it because it's fun and we spend time together and do it. It's not like were both drinking alcohol and we spend time doing it and end up fighting because were both so intoxicated. We do it recreationally because we both appreciate doing it togeyher

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If her options are to "flake and pass out" with the people she spent the night with, vs traveling in the wee hours to listen to you whine...it would seem an easy choice.

 

Let her have an entire evening.with her friends...and not have to worry about checking in/ coming by.

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