Family is trying destroy our relationship

[luna34746]

Here is my problem.

 

 

Background: I recently moved accross the country to be with a woman I first met in 1987. We had a beautiful young romance but because we were both in the military and at the time stationed on a different continent, we drifted apart. Later in '94 we got back in touch with each other and even though we were 2000 miles apart we discovered that our love hadn't died but rather was growing. Within a year we were engaged but issues from the time apart forced me to reluctantly call off the wedding as I found that I could not take a child I had custody of out of the state without relinquishing my full custody situation. Flash forward almost 20 years later and we re-connect on Facebook. Turns out neither of us have ever been married, nor had we even dated much. Yes we were older versions of our old selves but the physical attraction remained and emotionally as well as spiritually we were both in much better places to live and love each other even more so than when we were younger. Because she never married or had children, the house she purchased in 96 was too large for her so she accepted an offer from her sister to move in and help out with the bills. At the time her sister was a single mother of two children and lived in the family home with other older siblings. 13 years ago or so, the sister had another child out of wedlock and I"m not sure when it happened but the father of the sister's first two children divorced his wife, and moved in with a son born to the woman he divorced. If you are still with me I apologize for the confusing nature of this narrative. It's not how me or my girlfriend live our lives but it is what it is. In any event, prior to my arrival the eldest two children moved out on their own. The son of the sister's boyfriend lives a few blocks away with his mother now but all of them are over here quite a bit.

 

The Problem:

I knew they lived here before I moved out. What i didn't know was that neither of them work. They stay up all night watching TV and even sometimes partying. On weekends the youngest boy sleeps on the couch making the living room unusable. They will eventually clean up after themselves but its not uncommon for peanut butter to be left out all day with the lid off, bread left open, dirty dishes laying around. Soda cans and dirty plates left on end tables or coffee tables. The boyfriend smokes dope, and drinks beer every night. Some mornings I can't even find my half and half because the refrigerator is filled with his and her beers. I drink RARELY, my girl might have a beer or glass of wine after work, once every 10-14 days. The other family has made the garage unusable as it is jammed with crap from wall to wall, from ceiling to floor. Every cabinet, cupboard, drawer is filled to max with their junk. The sister receives $500 a month in child support (for the youngest child) that father lives 1500 miles away so he's never around which she gives to my girlfriend. The sister gets a lot of money in food stamps and likes to boast how she buys all the food--well--i refuse to eat food purchased with food stamps obtained I believe if not fraudulently as the least, lazily. I buy my own food when I make dinner which is around 5-6 days a week. I must go everyday to the store because whatever I buy for myself or my girl will get consumed by any one of the people who come in here throughout the day to visit the sister. She takes great delight in being "nice" to everybody and giving them everything she has. The problem is she doesn't have anything to give that is actually hers. She babysits for free children who are related to the boyfriend. It's not just for a few hours, sometimes the baby will be here for days. She does this for free so the woman can work, this of course keeps the sister from working because she needs to be available to babysit. In short, they are loud mouthed, foul talking, non-church going freeloaders who like to proclaim all they have done or do for my girl but the truth is, she's the only one that works (i send out on average 8 applications a day but after a four months still haven't landed a job, but i do have savings and i do contribute). My girl has a good job, she's not rich but because she pays every single bill here she is always living paycheck to paycheck. The first time I looked at the cable bill, I realized we had the Playboy Channel and purchased lots of movies and sporting events, even porn and yet we are regular church goers and didn't even know those channels were available (they are blocked on our tv in our room, where we spend all of our time in this big house). I got rid of the home phone that rang all day with bill collectors calling for the boyfriend and sister---nobody ever answered it, it would just ring and then long voicemails which we could all hear. We use cell phones and the sister was upset because now she can't send a fax if she had to. I told her to feel free to call the phone company and get a phone installed (that never occurs to her because it would mean she had to pay it). We must park on the street because they park their two junk vehicles, one they've been working on since i got here in the driveway. This means that they are always using our cars and our gas often without our permission. We have to play find our keys in the morning should we make the mistake of leaving them in the kitchen. They don't own the car so they drive them like speed racer...which we do not do. But wait…..

 

It Gets Worse: Here's the best part. The sister has a gambling problem---well a money problem to go gambling. Her solution? Sneak in my girl's room in the middle of the night and steal her ATM and credit cards. After she completely drained thousands of dollars (she had received a small settlement because of injuries from a car accident) The sister stole my girls identity and began using my girl's good credit to get lines of credit. She even took a second mortgage on the house--twice--and allowed it to go into foreclosure--twice. It was because of a good friend who helped my girl get out of this nightmare (had i been here the sister would have been prosecuted), everything is ok now and my girl has slowly repaired her once excellent credit. However she owes $80,000 to her friend that she pays back a little every payday. I've never had to hide my wallet before bed, but from the day I got here, I learned to do it. We keep our checkbooks under lock and key, she gets her bank and credit card statements mailed to a different address. She doesn't dare possess an ATM card all because she never knows if this will be the night the sister wants to go back to the casino. Most of the family have no idea to what extent and what damage the sister has caused. She has a big mouth as opposed to my girl who is quiet and keeps things to herself. But the sister and boyfriend have not wanted me here from day one---i feel it--it's ok cause I don't have friends like them and don't want any. But its a large family, i already feel like the rest of the family doesn't like me or doesn't trust me, or doesn't think i'm good for my girl (despite her being the happiest she's been in a long time) because the sister gossips a lot and i believe has soured the family towards me. I'm fine with that…i didn't come out here to be loved by anybody but my girl…if they can't see me for me now…they will…or they won't…i have no control over that…i'm going to just be me. There's so much more I'm leaving out but you get the ideas.

 

My question: My girl wants us to live alone and she is hoping they will get jobs and move out. i don't see it happening as the topic has never even been brought up. Also, they have it so good why would they leave for their own place with their own bills? The only time durning this honeymoon phase that we had cross words with each other is always over something the sister or boyfriend has done. This would be the only thing that would destroy our relationship. How do we get these people out of here? What can we do. It's obvious they should be kicked out for stealing her money but if any of you have family with problems, that's easier said than done. To be fair, she hasn't stolen anything lately….but at the same time, she isn't paying any of it back. I'd live in a tent…makes no difference to me, I just want to come home to a house and know what to expect…not to somebody else's children, or crying babies, or a mess in the kitchen. I need some advice. Please.

[Iggles]

My question: My girl wants us to live alone and she is hoping they will get jobs and move out. i don't see it happening as the topic has never even been brought up. Also, they have it so good why would they leave for their own place with their own bills? The only time durning this honeymoon phase that we had cross words with each other is always over something the sister or boyfriend has done. This would be the only thing that would destroy our relationship. How do we get these people out of here? What can we do.

 

You said you'd live in a tent with her. I hate to say it, but you may have to test that theory.. Not literally, hopefully!! But one way out is to let the house go into foreclosure.

 

Sounds terrible and it will mess up your girlfriend's credit, I know. But as long as she has that house those people will NEVER leave. They've lived there so long, they have tenant rights. Kicking them out through the courts will be a long and contemptuous battle. Her family will always blame her for kicking the sister, et. all out.

 

Foreclosure gives her an out. The house was "too expensive" and if she decides to she can reveal that the sister stole A LOT of money from her. Regardless of losing the house, she will still be indebted to pay back her friend the $80,000 loaned. That is unavoidable. Can the two of you live off your savings for awhile? Perhaps move back to where you had work -- away from these toxic people?

 

Think about it. You said the house was too big for her anyway. If she doesn't need it, letting it go may be how she can get her life back and start over with you.

[lerenard]

I think you two should have the guts, especially your girl, and kick these people out of your house.

I mean being lazy and eating your stuff is one problem, but stealing cards and money is totally different story altogether.

I can barely call that a family with problems - I think they are very happy and comfortable with their life and they need a gigantic wake up call and a kick in the a*s.

The big reason they are still there is that your girl allowed them to and closed her eyes to the fact that her sister takes her money and gambles with them. Its her duty to grow a spine and kick them out now. They became too comfortable with their lifestyle. Good luck.

[amipushy]

Grow some balls and give them notice to leave. If they are still there by that date KICK THEM OUT!!!

[luna34746]

it's really not as simple as growing balls. it's a family with a kid in jr high school. family is hard to deal with. they lived here long before i got here....so i have to be careful in putting my foot down...although i have made my feelings very very clear.

[lerenard]

family wont steal your credit cards and your identity to go gamble, sorry.

[Mesemene]

Here's the solution we came up with for hubby's ex, who I've had stay with us twice because of the kids.

 

Last time she needed a place to stay because she'd overstayed her welcome - we told her we'd take the kids, but not her. They have an open door invitation for whenever she loses her roof (which is often). But after her consistently falling through on deals, stealing from us, and having her friends over to plow through our food when we were supporting her, she herself is no longer a welcome guest for longer than a few hours.

 

So offer to let the son stay. Tell mom to get a job, or find a live in situation with someone who needs a nanny and live in housekeeper. I can understand being unwilling to kick the teenage son out with his mom - but there's nothing saying you can't give mom an ultimatum and still shelter the boy. It's not his fault his mom is feckless and lazy - but you don't have to put up with her to offer him a home as long as he needs it.

 

And tell your girl to stop shielding what her sister is from the family. It's not helping the sister any in the long run, only allowing her to function as a dependent and a thief for longer. The family should at least be warned about the identity theft so nobody else is next in line.

[DancingFool]

The biggest obstacle that I'm seeing here is actually your girl. She is the one who actively chooses to keep these people around, let them do whatever they want, support them and even hide their criminal acts. As you said, this has been going on for years. They are clearly not contributing financially, quite the opposite. So the whole the house is so big that she needs their help is a ridiculous, yet a very rational, plausible sounding excuse for anyone wanting to challenge her choices. So, have you had a serious conversation with her about what is really up with her and this situation?

 

Anyway, the solution is to put the house up for sale or let it go to foreclosure. Give notice to the parasites....er... family of a move out date and for you two to move as well far far away from her family. Maybe rent a tiny apartment for a awhile so that the parasites don't move right back in with you as they may wish to do. Truly, the only way of curing this problem is to yank your gf out of this environment completely and definitively, assuming she really wants to get out and for some reason.....I question that.....

[luna34746]

good advice actually...small apartment for a year or so is a good idea or even buying a smaller house is a better idea. that puts everybody on notice that regardless of what they want--this house will be gone in a few months. it's so radical but yet probably the only real solution.

[DancingFool]

good advice actually...small apartment for a year or so is a good idea or even buying a smaller house is a better idea. that puts everybody on notice that regardless of what they want--this house will be gone in a few months. it's so radical but yet probably the only real solution.

 

Honestly, I would not buy a house at this point. Not even a small one or you'll find the tribe moving right in one by one even if they are camping in your living room. I fear you might be underestimating the tenacity with which they will try to re-establish status quo and how tempting for your gf it will be to let them and want to continue to help and support them as she has been for so many years. When I say a small apartment, I mean like a studio type where there is literally no room at all and moving well out of the family's range. It's close to what you said about living in a tent for awhile. You gf doesn't know how to say no to her family and they will push her hard, so it will be a rough ride to get her out of this mess.

[luna34746]

you are right. we talked about it last night a little. i have to be careful when i bring the subject up because even though she wants a new life with just us, she doesn't want to have to push the issue. i made a comment about living alone and she pointed out, they can't move out until the school year is done. naturally i thought to myself...why? i mean, cant they find a place int he same school district. of course they can...it was just her avoiding the dilemia she's faced with. i dropped the subject. i could wait till then, or even next year, but i feel that i have to make it clear that if she can't give them a clear cut move out date, then maybe i should give her one when i will move out if they aren't gone. i hate ultimatums..nothing good has ever come from issuing one, but this is cultural shock for me that i can't deal with. it affects me in ways i wouldn't have even guessed. for example, our bedroom is right behind the family room....i pointed out if i can hear them out there over the TV then surely they can hear us. it makes being intimate almost impossible. their bedroom is off of the living room...on the other side of the house and they have total privacy. am i being nit-picky or is this just lunacy? i suggested we turn the family room into a dinning room and keep people in the other room to watch tv...but naturally that upsets the status quo and my ideas are dismissed. ugggh.

[mhowe]

It is lunacy.

Move out yourself ---- get an apartment. Have privacy.

And tell your gf that if she cannot set a date to get rid of the freeloaders, you will continue on your life's journey without her.

 

It is lunacy to submit yourself to this.

[DancingFool]

It is lunacy.

Move out yourself ---- get an apartment. Have privacy.

And tell your gf that if she cannot set a date to get rid of the freeloaders, you will continue on your life's journey without her.

 

It is lunacy to submit yourself to this.

 

^Exactly this.

 

The problem with this whole situation is that like it or not, your gf is an active and willing participant in this and has lived like this for years. She's known her family and what issues they have all her life. It's not like she got surprised with her sister's behavior, she actively invited her in knowing all about her. So I would very much expect serious resistance from her if I were you. If things get rough, you may want to see if you two can see a couple's counselor and just kind of get her to see a professional and get a different perspective on her life situation and perhaps on what's driving her to live like that. Not to mention that she can't have a normal life and relationship while living like that.

 

For your own sanity and well being and before your credit, bank accounts and identity get stolen and your life wrecked, move out. After that, you might want to give yourself some kind of a timeline on how to proceed in terms of your gf actually taking active steps to get out this situation and move on. If you are not seeing progress in reasonable time, you may have to face the fact that you will just need to get on with your life without her, because at the end of the day, she is not who you thought she is.