Will the pain ever go away?

[Chelsea1987]

I'm at the same point guys 10months out now with roughly 4months nc. No way near as painful anymore but what she did to me and how I was treated still creeps into my mind sometimes. I fully accept she's gone and not coming back. I don't want her back but still miss what we had and the "old her" apart of me thinks ur not truly healed until u fall in love again?

[ChilliRed2013]

Thanks for starting this thread Blue. Has provided some very muched needed temporary relief to the struggle going on in my mind.

 

In a similar situation to deejay. But also Kimcwell.

Really struggling to stick to NC as the 2week mark rolls around(but havent talked in person for months).

 

Seeing the variety of timeframes and different stages of recovery, healing, and moving on(surfjon, cannot wait to be where you are ) i am slowly realising the importance of TIME.

Some really wise words here, have to read it all again!

[Tanzi]

It's the same for any story you read on here, really. Although someone may say that is has taken X amount of time to move on, you don't know how long they were actually in contact for after the break-up. Even if that "contact" was just having them as a friend on Facebook it is still going to be impossible to disconnect yourself from them emotionally. By watching their daily activitiess you are still making them a part of your every day life.

 

These "fleeting moments" that you have where you are able to focus on yourself will become more requent. The balance of emotions shifts and eventually you will be focused on you with the "fleeting moments" that you have being that of your ex.

[Tanzi]

Hey surfjon.

 

Knowing how I feel at 8.5 months is, I can imagine how tiresome it is to still feel this way at that 10 months .... but the fact that you tried to reconcile 3 months ago means you are only 3 months into a new journey with fresh emotions to deal with. Having been through similar I'm sure you found it was quicker moving on this time than the initial break-up though!

 

Yes, take that ski trip. Lucky you!!!

 

 

 

 

I understand that. I think it morphs into "acceptance" or that is how I can best describe it. It's an ok place to plateau until they are completely out of our system, which surely must be the next stage.

[Tanzi]

apart of me thinks ur not truly healed until u fall in love again?

 

Same. In fact I started a thread relating to this not so long ago. I think I have always had a degree of emotional attachment for my ex's until someone else comes into my life. Maybe, because we have a natural desire to love or be loved, we naturally look back on our last love until we have a new love to embrace. Or maybe it is simply more of a wistful look back on old memories until we start creating new ones to repalce them.

 

Thanks for starting this thread Blue. Has provided some very muched needed temporary relief to the struggle going on in my mind.

 

In a similar situation to deejay. But also Kimcwell.

Really struggling to stick to NC as the 2week mark rolls around(but havent talked in person for months).

 

Seeing the variety of timeframes and different stages of recovery, healing, and moving on(surfjon, cannot wait to be where you are ) i am slowly realising the importance of TIME.

Some really wise words here, have to read it all again!

 

My pleasure. I'm glad it has helped you.

 

Two weeks is no time at all. As much of a cliche as it is, time really is a healer. That and complete NC of course.

[NoIdea2013]

Same. In fact I started a thread relating to this not so long ago. I think I have always had a degree of emotional attachment for my ex's until someone else comes into my life. Maybe, because we have a natural desire to love or be loved, we naturally look back on our last love until we have a new love to embrace. Or maybe it is simply more of a wistful look back on old memories until we start creating new ones to repalce them.

 

 

.

 

That's pretty much how I feel, and has been my experience. Even if it's just a passing crush to take your mind off of it.

[surfjon]

A little.....

 

the reconcilliation attempt was something I felt I needed to try, and she asked for it....not me, so when I agreed..... I was very wary and guarded.....and by then, I was doing great....dating and mostly moved on.....

 

I never really thought it would work again, so the first ambivalence she displayed raised my alert to "RED", and I distanced immediately......this continued until the end of September when I simply had enough........that I WOULD NOT accept her ambivalent and cold treatment and her uncertainty about "what she wants"....I knew what I wanted, and it was NO MORE of her crap!

 

I was pretty sure we were done, but I had caught some dolphin and she and another couple came for dinner......she was very cold, and it was obvious I needed to dump her before she started her "fade-away" crap again.

 

The morning after I siimply texted her "I know it's dead, so I will not call, email or text you. Please do not contact me, and should you decide you made a mistake and wish to call me, DO NOT CALL ME". I deleted all her contact data, blocked her email, and am moving on.

 

Since September I've dealt wth a murder/suicide in my family, especially hard to understand as it was my aunt who murdered her 10 yo daughter (my cousin), then killed herself.....both brutally with a knife.....

 

.......Then the death by cancer of a good old guitar playin buddy....

 

.......A dear friend who has now been dumped by his wife of 20 years.......

 

.......my 20 yo daughter getting pregnant and having to end the pregnancy.....

 

.....and now my younger sister in stage 4 cancer treatment with a poor prognosis......

 

How petty my behavior at the simple ending of a relationship, these other things have made me see how stupid all this is, this despair one feels when people simply grow apart or become incompatible.....

 

I can handle anything....

[sharky988]

((((Hugs to you surfjon)))))

[surfjon]

Thanks sharks......I'll take all the hugs I can get!

[Notagoodninja]

wow geez sorry yeah seriously- hugs and im not even the huggin type

poor thing

[John John]

Surfjon...my heart goes out to you bro. I will admit - I'm not even sure if I believe in God at times (I was raised Roman Catholic), but I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there man. Things WILL get better for you

[Tanzi]

Surfjon, wow. I am so sorry!

 

When I split with my now ex-husband I called a long-term friend I hadn't spoken to in months. I went on and on about my split only for her to then tell me that she'd had breast cancer and was just finishing chemotherapy. I felt awful. Not long after that we went away for the weekend. We both did a lot of crying but I felt incredibly selfish knowing what she had gone through - as if my pain was more of a "self indulgence" and I told her as such. She told me not to be so silly and that if her husband left her she would hurt too and she would like to think she could turn to friends. She said I was dealing with something emotional just as she was. They were lovely words and she was probably right but I still felt as though my problems paled into insignificance compared to hers.

 

What I'm trying to say is you still have a right to hurt but I agree, it does give you a different perspective on life. It certainly makes you wonder whether it is worth crying all those tears when there are so many other things to be grateful for.

 

Lots of ((( hugs))) to you. Stay strong.

[pippy longstocking]

surfjon big love and hugs from me as well xxx

[FreeFallFeelin]

It is very good to keep things in perspective, as Surfjon's story shows us, and being thankful is always good practice, but you also have to allow yourself to feel YOUR feelings and know that what you feel and what you have to deal with is also valid, and not just foolishness. Of course there are some much more permanent and scary things than a breakup, that an individual can go through, but few that cause a person to lose their identity and self-loath so intensely, and that are also so personal and isolating at the same time.

[Tanzi]

It is very good to keep things in perspective, as Surfjon's story shows us, and being thankful is always good practice, but you also have to allow yourself to feel YOUR feelings and know that what you feel and what you have to deal with is also valid, and not just foolishness.

 

Very true. If we don't allow ourselves to the feel the pain then we aren't really allowing ourselves to recover either.

[Kimcwell]

It is very good to keep things in perspective, as Surfjon's story shows us, and being thankful is always good practice, but you also have to allow yourself to feel YOUR feelings and know that what you feel and what you have to deal with is also valid, and not just foolishness. Of course there are some much more permanent and scary things than a breakup, that an individual can go through, but few that cause a person to lose their identity and self-loath so intensely, and that are also so personal and isolating at the same time.

 

I agree with this, as well. Part of the healing process is giving yourself permission to feel how you feel without guilt and a timeline.

Prayers, Surfjon

[marcus1024]

guys im still positive that we can make this all through.... when my ex ex broke up with me... we have been together for 5mons but it was my first serious GF. the she broke up with me and went back to her ex (me=rebound).. the 1st month was totally

 

devastating..i would cry..talk to anyone i see..etc etc then on the 3rd month...i met my now-ex gf.. on that 3rd month my pain go away little by little. and by 4th month i started dating my now-ex gf.. we're together for about 3 years some what living

 

together.. but now she broke up with me.. and this time the pain is really massive and i say its very devastating to me everyday until now when i wake up theres a pain in my chest.. how i wished i could just sleep 24/7 so that i will not miss or remember her..

 

now 1mon post-BU.. im still coping.. and praying we will be healed (although im still hoping of some sort)

[Tanzi]

Hi marcus. Welcome to ENA!!

 

I 100% know that anyone and everyone can get through this. I have been through this more times than I care to count to be honest and I have always moved on, met someone else and loved again. This time it seems to be taking a little longer but I believe that is down to the nature of the break-up and the contact we had afterwards. That said I am absolutely fine. My recent wobble took the wind out of my sails because I wasn't expecting to feel that strongly again about any of this ... but it was just a "wobble". Now I am back getting on with my day to day life feeling at peace. Not necessarily TOTALLY happy but not in constant pain either. I still think of my ex on a daily basis - but not ALL day. Little memories still pop into my mind, especially with Christmas coming up and events that are taking place. However it is more of a wistful and melancholy - even sad - feeling that comes over me as opposed to "pain". Yeah, I can still have days that are worse than others but mostly I have good days (or "normal" days now). In time that is where you will be. I kinda feel guilty for starting this thread. It seems to have worried people that they will still be feeling the same pain further down the line that they are coping with at the beginning ... but that isn't how it is at all. Things change. Things get better. I can feel myself slowly "purging" him and all the things that we did together out of my system.

 

One month is nothing. There is no point in pretending that you don't have a long journey ahead but how long it actually does take comes down to you. If you do everything "right", you can make things easier on yourself and recovery quicker.

[surfjon]

Wishing for strength for us all in this trying holiday time.....

 

When with both my ex-wife.... and my now ex-gf were in my life, Thanksgiving and Christmas were wonderful times....

 

Especially the ex-GF, she was such a "holiday nut", that it was infectious (not so much last year as I felt the cold in her so deeply, I knew it was done even then!)......she made the first 4 years so great....

 

I find myself quite a bit down right now, simply because I remember the times that are no more, and will not return......

She always did a nice holiday gathering on Saturday the weekend after Thanksgiving, and this weekend I couldn't help but know that I wasn't there this year.......and although I hardly know the girl she's become, I do dearly miss the girl she was...the girl that was in my life and now removed......and I did allow myself some time to be sad and reflect. I think we need this.....

 

And in addition, as I was shutting down my computer last Wednesday, an email from her popped up......

 

"Hi Jon,

 

I hope this email finds you well. I wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. How is your sister? And how is Brad? I still think about what happened to Alex all the time. I'm so glad you are there for him. Have you moved into the new place yet?

 

I also wanted to let you know my grandfather passed away. It's been a few weeks and I've come and gone from Indiana, but have been meaning to tell you. It was pretty unexpected, but now that it's all done, I'm glad he didn't wither away in the nursing home. It went fast and pretty peaceful for him fortunately. On top of all this, Fergus wasn't walking right one day and I had to rush him to the vet. Turns out he has the spinal degeneration like Pancho. He is doing ok, but he needs to tone it down from here on out. Needless to say, I am quite ready for 2013 to be over, as I am sure you are, too. Speaking of panchy, how is he? You think I could see him sometime soon?

 

Anyway, I hope you have a great holiday spent with family and friends!"

 

WHY,WHY,WHY?? I asked her nicely 6 weeks ago to simply "LEAVE ME ALONE", but NO....and I thought I blocked her damn email but I was mistaken.....

 

I didn't respond, and don't plan to. but why can't they just leave us alone??

 

 

 

So this holiday I wish all of us peace, strength to not get down in this time, and hope that some or all of us are lucky enough to create some new "holiday memories" this year, this is what I wish for our secret-santa gifts this year.......

 

Simple peacefulness of heart and no despair....

 

 

[sharky988]

She never listens.

 

She's going to be *friends* whether you like it or not and she doesn't care if it hurts you to hear from her.... she's selfish to the end.

 

I think you should change your email address.

[Tanzi]

I hear ya surfjon. I am feeling it a bit more now that the festive season is upon us too. As the decorations are beginning to pop up I have had a few more tears. Mind you it is THAT time of the month again (sorry!) and I do tend to feel more emotional. I've had to avoid going to certain places that we would usually go to at this time of year because I don't want to face the memories. I am considering staying in on News Year Eve too. My girls will be with their dad or their friends so I will be alone but right now that feels like a better option than putting on a false smile to face the celebrations.

 

I have no idea why ex's want to reach out but bearing in mind you know that reconciling doesn't work and you have asked her NOT to contact you I think you are perfectly within your rights NOT to respond.

 

Yes peace and strength to all.

[surfjon]

I was thinking about last year at this time...... this morning whilst driving in, and I came to some realizations that help me cope.....

 

This time last year, she was already in Indiana with her folks, and I was preparing to go to NC with my son, just he and I, to our family mountain house where nobody was going to be.....just some quiet time, me and my son....

 

I recall how I could feel the coldness from her, and the fear I felt that I was indeed losing her........I recalled how distant she felt on the phone when we spoke over the holiday, and how uneasy I was that entire time. I remembered how I let it really affect the time with my son, a time that should have been just he and I, father and son, enjoying the time together........

 

Yet I let it become my son and I and her cold spectre......I was wrong in that, I feelr regret that I let her affect what should have been me and my sons special time.....

 

I def recall how when she returned on Dec 30 and we made NYE plans, how she really seemed indifferent to any plans I suggested and how when we ultimately did go out on NYE, it was just she and I, and we usually did things with friends, and how cold she was........what really struck me was how at midnight, when I tried to take her in my arms and kiss her, how she drew back and wouldn't kiss me.......

 

I think this was the night I knew it was dead......and within a week, she had dumped me in the most disrespectful way possible......she dumped me in front of friends, on a night out celebrating her birthday.......I was forced to walk away....alone....from a group of people that we had been together for years as friends......a couple of my buddies followed me out, but that was it.....

 

PLUS!! She kept all the gifts I gave her!! HAHA!! So wrong....

 

So this year, I am truly happy.....I'm alone, but I dont have worry, fear, neglected feelings, apprehension, or an ambivalent GF that really doesn't want to be with me.......

 

I think back at how horrible I let her make me feel last year.....and yes, I said "How I let her make me feel", because nobody can "make" one feel any certain way, it's how we "allow" ourselves to feel based upon our perception of how another should be treating us.

 

So this year, I'm alone yet happy.......alone, yet hopeful......alone, yet proud that I took the control of my life back and rejected the ambivalence I endured and was offered up again from her as recently as last June.........

 

yesterday she caught wind thru a friend, that my special little girl cat who I adore,and is a real comfort for me, has been missing 3 days now.....I've just been sick, and making flyers and contacting rescue agencies and vets to make reports she's missing, and she emails me "what can I do to help?"......

 

I simply responded "It would help if you would leave me alone"

 

Peace all.......be proud of the strength you've found, and there is more there to discover.......

[Tanzi]

So this year, I'm alone yet happy.......alone, yet hopeful......alone, yet proud that I took the control of my life back and rejected the ambivalence I endured and was offered up again from her as recently as last June.........

 

yesterday she caught wind thru a friend, that my special little girl cat who I adore,and is a real comfort for me, has been missing 3 days now.....I've just been sick, and making flyers and contacting rescue agencies and vets to make reports she's missing, and she emails me "what can I do to help?"......

 

I think overall this is how I feel. I can still have some down days, especially now that Christmas is creeping up.

 

The last time I say my ex he said that I had not said that things were over we might still be together. I'm not sure why he said that because it isn't true. We had this "issue" hanging over us and it's shadow would have engulfed us more and more. I am glad that I took control when I did because who knows where it would have lead otherwise. I doubt it would have lead to us staying together.

 

I really hope you have found your cat surfjon.

[Kimcwell]

I'm a little wobbly right now also. It will be a year at Christmas since I was left, and all of those feelings of guilt and regret are pushing through from where I had buried them. I just try to keep looking forward and remember that I truly know what it is to love someone with all of my heart and with that comes great risk, and most likely, great loss.

 

Keep us updated on your cat, Surf, and hi A-little-blue. One of you should start a 12 days of Christmas thread where we can encourage each other and write what we're thankful for this holiday season.

[Tanzi]

I'm a little wobbly right now also. It will be a year at Christmas since I was left, and all of those feelings of guilt and regret are pushing through from where I had buried them. I just try to keep looking forward and remember that I truly know what it is to love someone with all of my heart and with that comes great risk, and most likely, great loss.

 

Keep us updated on your cat, Surf, and hi A-little-blue. One of you should start a 12 days of Christmas thread where we can encourage each other and write what we're thankful for this holiday season.

 

Hi Kim. It's great to hear from you.

 

I guess wobbles are to be expected from time to time, especially this time of year.

 

You are a beautiful, intelligent woman. It is most definitely HIS loss ... because one day you will meet someone who will truly appreciate you and love you as you love them.

 

For now though we just have to get through this Festive season.

 

That is a great idea for a thread btw. Perhaps you should start it. Seeing as it is your idea - you should take credit for it. I will most definitely post on it.