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Will the pain ever go away?


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I have just realised that 8.5 months after our break-up and 6/7 weeks of no contact, I am still very much in love with my ex.

 

I've been doing so well lately. In fact I think I have done well from the beginning. I've been very much focussed on moving on, made lots of new friends etc but, today, it has hit me that no matter how much I am physically moving on, emotionally, I haven't moved anywhere.

 

There was no real dumper/dumpee role in our situation. Our relationship never had a future and we both knew it would have to end - and that one of us would have to end it. I was actually the one who uttered the words "it's over". The last time I saw him (6ish weeks ago) he said that I had I not done so we might still be together now ... but this wasn't just down to me, it was down to him too and the fact that we were at two totally different stages in our lives. Nevertheless I wish he hadn't said those words.

 

Maybe this is because I dreamt about him last night. Maybe today is one major off day. Maybe it was because of what he said. Maybe it was the way he looked at me when he was leaving for the last time. Whatever the reason, this is one of the hardest break ups I have had to endure (and I've been left by a cheating husband I wish the end were in site but I fear I have a long way to go. Longer than I thought.

 

I have no real question, just looking for some inspiration I guess

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Hi,

 

I don't think I am really in a position to say anything because I am just going through my first (and hopefully last) heartbreak. My girlfriend of 2 and a half years who I very much love and she loves (or did) love me left me basically just saying she wants to be single or alone. It's honestly shattering it was all over so quickly, she dropped in for 10 minutes told me and cya later, after everything she didn't even seem upset..? We always had such a great relationship, rarely had arguments, always told each other how much we loved each other and seems like we did so much together. She was even saying how she was so excited about me going to her family Christmas? A week later and I'm no one to her?

 

Anyway sorry about the sob story but I think you just have to be strong and although you may seem you have not emotionally moved anywhere I think you definitely would have and are probably just having a bad day. I have read a lot that people who feel completely over their ex years later and all of a sudden wake up one day and find themselves missing them. Try not to dwell too much on the past, what has happened has happened and I guess if you're always thinking of the past you will miss what is in front of you; in the future. They also always say when one door closes another door opens and maybe you just need to find the opening to the next door before you can truly move on from the previous?

 

I hope in some way I have helped and remember there are always people out there who are going through the same or similar situation and you are not alone

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Sweetie, it's not unusual to have strong feelings for your ex after just 8-1/2 months.... but you weren't helping yourself by staying in contact with him until so recently, as you well know already I'm sure!

 

Because you're only around 1-1/2 months of No Contact, you really need to consider your heavy-duty recovery work only began at that time. That might help you have more perspective and hopefully a bit more patience with yourself in terms of where you are in moving on.

 

My breakup was over a year ago now, but I'm at 8 months without contact and I really do feel emotionally just at 8 months in terms of being over this breakup. I don't know why, but somehow even just that tiny bit of back-and-forth the first 5 months kept things "on hold" emotionally -- for me, anyway. Maybe it was like this for you as well.

 

In any case, don't beat yourself up for still having those feelings for your ex. Give yourself more time to get over it... you know from experience it's a gradual process... and it's also possible you won't feel FULLY over him until you fall in love with someone else!

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a-little-blue, I was just thinking about something similar this morning regarding the "ups and downs". Yesterday I felt really great, I went to see my therapist and we had a great conversation about the type of person my ex was that gave me a lot of validation, but then this morning, I woke up feeling down. I'm almost at the 2 month point of the BU and 1.5 weeks of strict NC.

 

Both of your posts scare me a little. I wan't to move on as fast as I can and my relationship only last 10 months, but it was the deepest and most intense relationship I've had. Everyone says it takes time, and for you both, you have been dealing with your pain for quite a while, and it's totally understandable. Your relationships with your exes were much longer than mine.

 

Like I said, it's only been barely 2 months since the BU and 1.5 weeks of strict NC. I have made progress but I do have my off days. It's like a roller coaster ride that I want to get off so badly but I can't seem to.

 

I guess I should take your advice too, sharky, about beating myself up for still having feelings for my ex, even though I know she was not the person I thought she was during the relationship and that we were toxic for each other.

 

Sorry, a-little-blue, I wish my post was more "inspiring". I guess just take comfort in we are all going through this together and we will make it out eventually. I wish there was a FFWD button for this process.

 

Sending out virtual hugs to you both ((((hugs)))).

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Deejay, my relationship only lasted a year!

 

I also wouldn't say that I'm in a lot of pain about it at this point.

 

I haven't moved on in terms of dating anyone else, which is unusual for me -- usually I'm back in the game and dating again after a few months. But after this ex (he cheated) I just kind of feeling like, meh. I'm cool with taking a break from guys for now. I've actually never done that before, so it's kind of an experiment for me.

 

You, however -- at just 1-1/2 weeks NC -- are still freshly reeling. Another month or two without contact and you'll be in a much much better place! It's really the No Contact that makes or breaks your healing.

 

So please don't be scared by those of us who aren't fully moved on after many months -- or even a year later! That doesn't mean you won't be completely moved on -- and even happy with someone else a year from now!

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Oh, I didn't realize that. Well, it sounds like you're doing ok then. I'm glad that you're not in a lot of pain at this point. I go through my ups and downs like I said. I don't if you or a-little-blue feel this heaviness in your chest, but that has never gone away, even with those good days. Some moments I feel like I'm better off without my ex (and these moments are becoming more frequent) and other times, I miss her. I know I am also depressed and I am taking meds that haven't quite kicked in yet, so the depression adds to the pain and heaviness, I assume.

 

Like you, I am not interested in dating. Usually I want to hurry and sleep with someone to move on but this time I'm not. And normally, I did that because my previous exes all seemed to have hooked up with someone very soon after the break up. For some reason, that always bothered me. I have no idea if my current ex has anyone and I know I am not supposed to care, but I do. Meh.

 

Anyway, not to get off topic here, I am feeling similar to a-little-blue with wondering if the pain ever goes away. I guess we all heal at our own pace.

 

What I am also scared of, are the upcoming holidays. December 5th is when we went out on our first date and I remember it vividly. Then we had a nice Christmas together. Luckily, my parents are coming to stay with me for a week starting Saturday and Thanksgiving will be at my place, so I am excited about that. Unfortunately, I may have to spend Christmas alone because I am a gov't contractor and during the shutdown, I had to use all of my PTO including getting negative PTO so that I could get paid.

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Sorry to hear you're having a tough time right now but I can honestly it DOES get easier. I've been here enough times to know that it does and, as you say, I do know that I have been moving significantly forwards. Today has taken me a bit by surprise. I just have to accept that it isjust one of those days. I am sitting at home watching crappy old Christmas movies with happy and poignant endings and that really hasn't helped. Time to switch the TV off I think!

 

 

 

Thanks sharky. I know, I know. I'm such a doofus. I've made all the classic mistakes I told myself I would never make again. The only excuse I have is that because it wasn't what either of us wanted he was suffering in the same way that I was, if not more so if I'm honest, and that made it hard to ignore him when he reached out. He knew my views on contact, however, and he always knew the time would come when I said it had to stop. That was 6-7 weeks ago now. Just before that point we had an emotional reunion and I thought we had come close to getting back together (which would have been silly) so, yes, the emotions had been kept alive and are still relatively fresh I guess.

 

I do believe I will always stay a little bit in love with him until someone else comes along. That is the way it always seems to be with me but, like you, I've never taken so long in getting back in the game. That is the most unnerving part but what does it matter, right? So what if I'm single for some time to come.

 

 

 

Thanks deejay. Don't let my post put you off. I am actually coping better than I thought I would. I am having an off day that's all ... a really off day and its kinda knocked me for six. I can only put it down to my dream last night.

 

I rarely ever dream about my ex but, anyway, this dream was different from those I have had in the past. In previous dreams he still loved me but in my dream last night he couldn't wait to get away from me and, of course, they always feel so real. I guess this must relate to the fact that I haven't had any contact with him and therefore have no idea how he is still feeling but, whatever, I woke up feeling worse than I have in a long time and I can't shake that feeling

 

It is still early days for you deejay, you will soon be having more good days than bad. (((Hugs))) to you too!

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I'm with all of you... sorry for your 'rough moments' today, Little blue.

 

Am still struggling daily with my own loss of 5 yrs. Been 7 mos now. Still very emotional over it. Dont recal being this deeply affected after a break up, as I am with this one. I've had previous ex's of 7-9 yrs long. But this one is bad!

 

Remember, we're going to get these 'triggers' (memories) and 'waves' of emotions for a while. Feelings we have/had don't fade in a week. So this happens. Sucks though!

 

Just have to try and carry on... work on these 'lows' and less contact, the better, to move on. It all takes time.

 

Take care

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Yea the reason why you haven't healed yet is because you still talk to him..or were. Just stick with NC and you'll heal fully i promise! you'll have good days you'll have bad days but one day you'll wake up and be over him. Jus take it day by day. Good luck and stay strong ! Your stronger than you know!

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Yea the reason why you haven't healed yet is because you still talk to him..or were. Just stick with NC and you'll heal fully i promise! you'll have good days you'll have bad days but one day you'll wake up and be over him. Jus take it day by day. Good luck and stay strong ! Your stronger than you know!

 

Thank you! It's hard to believe that I am a huge advocate for NC and all it's benefits. That said I had no trouble initiating NC. I know from past experiences that there is less pain with a clean break. However my weakness was in ignoring my ex when he reached out to me. Thing is he wasn't "technically" the dumper and he didn't want our relationship to end any more than I did. He was hurting as much as I was so it was hard to find the emotions to not want to speak to him. Had he been the one who dumped me or had fallen out of love with me it would have been far easier for me to think "To hell with you, I don't owe you anything" ... but that wasn't the case.

 

Despite having been broken up for 8.5 months I am in unknown territory now. Up until we cut all contact I had the knowledge that he still loved me and missed me and I guess that knowledge became my drug to help ease the pain .... now I don't have that "relief" so I am having to learn to cope with the pain head on and although I know that is for the best it has still created fresh emotions. I do know that I will get over this, I really do ... AND ... for the most part I AM. The pain isn't like it was but, at times, it does seem impossible.

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Well it sounds to me that y’all both need to stick hardcore NC so y’all can both heal. In my opinion, even if yall were going to try again y’all might wanna heal first then start fresh again. But don’t have that mindset if you KNOW getting back together is just wishful thinking. Only you know your situation more than any of us do. These forums are really helpful because when us people have hardtimes like how we have, we can all lean on each other to help get through. Only y’all know whats best for you guys. You didn’t get into detail why y’all thought yall wouldn’t have a future together but I’m sure its legit reasons if it meant to break up. If y’all still care for each other then yes y’all both need to heal first. If he happens to contact you again just let him know nicely that you care for him but need space to heal 100% and maybe y’all can reconnect again sometime in near future. (whether it be for friends or trying it again) You’ll be fine you sound like you got a good head on your shoulders and not blind to the truth. Good luck!

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Thanks Teri. There is no going back. In the early days I had a misguided sense of hope but I have let go of that now.

 

To cut a long story short, my ex-bf was a lot younger than me. Although in the beginning he said he would never choose having children over love, it became obvious (as he grew closer to my children) that he wanted his own - or will do in time. This put a huge question mark over our future. I'd tried to end it a few times (not with much effort I have to say) but he encouraged me to stay, hoping that things would fall into place. Then, after another "discussion" (albeit an unexpected one via email and text), he was feeling so down about our future that I had to end it. He tried to hang on for a while. He tried calling me but I was so upset at that point I refused to speak to him. He said he was going to come over but I said I didn't want to see him. To be honest he didn't put up much of a fight - after 3 years together we both knew it was time to end it. We were just wasting each other's time.

 

Sooooo, there is nothing we can change or work on in our situation. If we went back, it would be to the same obstacles as before. Moving on is my only option.

 

He knows how I feel about maintaining contact so I won't be hearing from him again ... and that is just as well really ... but that is the hardest part to accept.

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Hi Alittleblue! Haven't chatted with you in a while and was actually wondering how you are doing.

 

You already know that being in contact with him will just confuse you. I'm sure you'd still be grieving and sad even if you weren't in contact with him. But there wouldn't be new fuel for the fires of confliction and confusion that cloud your mind and heart even more.

 

There's no bad blood between you two, which is great. Knowing that means there is a great chance of keeping him as a great friend, in the future. But for now, for a long while, you both need to get used to not going down Romance Road or Memory Lane with each other. Eventually, one of you is going to meet someone else and it is going to be very painful to be so close when that happens.

 

It has taken me two years to get over my ex. And, like you, I've been through breakups before, but nothing has ever come anywhere near the intensity of this breakup. I still think about it somewhat regularly, but it doesn't rule me and I can put it down as quickly as it comes up. There was no method or secret technique for finally getting over it. It just happened. Quite suddenly in fact. As always, time is the only healer. The challenge is finding the strength and patience to endure the long slog to the other side. And then when you get there you get to try relationships all over again! Weeeee! (Kill me now please!)

 

side note: I was left for somebody else, which creates a very complex wound with unspeakable amounts of anger. I think this is the reason it has taken me so long to get over it - SOOOO much anger on top of the loss.

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Hi FreeFallfeelin, it's great to hear from you

 

I know that having no contact with him is for the best as it is for all of us. Contact keeps you connected and therefore it becomes impossible to emotionally disconnect from them. NC has created a distance which is new to me and therefore created new emotions.

 

That said, I am in a good place. I am not in constant pain but it is still there if I allow myself to think about him. I honestly can't even say that I am still heartbroken. I can't explain what I feel ... numb, I think is the word I am looking for. Up until recently I couldn't say for sure if I even still loved him. How can you love someone with whom you have no contact and with whom you share no intimate moments? Seems crazy to me. Yet, yesterday, I was awash with emotion which I guess was brought on by a number of things. Contrary to how I started this thread, today I am back where I was before. The dream was the killer, I think. It felt so real. It made HIM real and his lack of compassion felt real. It also confirms why NC is for the best. In the real world, I don't want to know when or if he has fallen out of love with me.

 

I am so glad that you have finally got to the end of your journey. At one time two years would have seemed an awfully long time to me to get over an ex ... now I wouldn't be surprised if it took me that long. Not necessarily to get over HIM as such but just to be back on my feet again and/or ready to date. I feel as if my heart has shut off.

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I find myself seriously screwed up emotionally when I think of all the good OR bad times I shared with my ex in the past, the only way to overcome this is to immerse yourself in some activity or to switch the topic in your brain immediately to something else. Don't dwell on the past. It's gone.

 

Edit: but sometimes it does seem therapeutic to ruminate, brood, and accept things... and cry even... but just not too much IMO. Kind of a RELEASE. But this CONTROLLED CATHARSIS is a lot healthier than the every day sobbing phenomenon I went through the first 2 months POST-BU where it was wholly physiological and uncontrollable. Major difference.

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Edit: but sometimes it does seem therapeutic to ruminate, brood, and accept things... and cry even... but just not too much IMO. Kind of a RELEASE. But this CONTROLLED CATHARSIS is a lot healthier than the every day sobbing phenomenon I went through the first 2 months POST-BU where it was wholly physiological and uncontrollable. Major difference.

 

I totally agree. I think the uncontrolled sobbing is to be expected initially though. Luckily I have lots to keep me occupied so I don't think about him anywhere near as much as I once did. I certainly don't think about him all day long like I used to .... but I do still think about him every day. However I can push thoughts of him away now but I do pick times where I allow myself to think about him and maybe have a little cry. I never cry for long and in some twisted way I actually enjoy this little bit of self indulgence.

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Yes. It gets better. It took me almost two years to totally cleanse myself. Although, him not going completely away,despite being the dumper, did not help. But it gets so much better. Hang in there!

 

Btw, no offense, but your avatar creeps me out. No idea why.

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Hi Shal. That what it is isn't it? It is totally cleansing them from your system and even though the pain lessens, the time you spend thinking about them lessens and you no longer fantasise about getting back together, there are still traces of them in your system (or rather heart).

 

As sharky said, (and this is something I have pondered over often) I wonder whether we always remain a little bit in love with them until someone else comes along ... or until so much time has passed that we simply forget how much we once loved them.

 

Sorry, my avatar creeped you out, lol. Maybe I will change it. It's time for a change anyway. Maybe I will go Christmassy and try to get into the Christmas spirit!

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I was thinking about this thread this morning when I was in the shower.

 

Many people on here say it took many months and some years to get over an ex. Some people still aren't over theirs.

 

It's only been 2 months for me and almost 2 weeks of strict NC but i cannot take carrying this pain around anymore. I want to move on and stop thinking about my ex NOW. I really can't take it anymore.

 

I've re-read my posts on here a million times, talked to my friend and family to the point where they don't want to hear about it anymore, i am seeing a therapist, taking meds but I still have this pain. I STILL miss my ex. I have only been on meds for 2 weeks so maybe they haven't kicked in yet.

 

I'm depressed and it's hard to get the motivation to do much of anything.

 

I am not religious but I prayed to God in the shower this morning to take the pain away.

 

I am getting desperate.

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Two months is very early days, the pain will likely still be intense. Even though I still have SOME pain SOMETIME, it is nowhere near the same as it was in the beginning.

 

Today I am feeling better. Overall, I have been doing well. Extremely well I think. I've not been in a bad place this whole time. From the moment we split up I did everything I could in order to focus on moving forwards and implemented NC. Admittedly, it was more NIC (no INITIATING contact) because he would contact me .... but I never reached out to him and I knew that if he didn't contact me then there would be no contact at all.

 

When I started this thread I was having a particularly bad day - more so than any other days I have had previously and it knocked me back a bit ... but don't be fooled by my thread or even it's title.

 

Firstly, I had 6 months of contact with my ex (initiated by him as I said). At the 6 month mark we agreed to meet up. I really don't know why we thought it would be a cool idea but as we hadn't even ended our relationship face-to-face I think we always felt it was something we owed each other (and ourselves). It was an intense and emotional meeting and for the next two days we talked about whether or not we should get back together. Needless to say we didn't and it was like coping with a fresh break-up and at that point I knew I had to end our contact all together. That was only 6 or 7 weeks ago.

 

Basically the contact we had been having kept us emotionally connected so, as for moving on properly, it is still really early days in that sense. How long it takes us to get over someone is often down to how we help ourselves to do so (or not, as the case may often be) and I wasn't really helping matters.

 

Secondly, although I entitled my thread "When will the pain go away". I don't mean "pain" per se but ALL the other emotions and thought processes that we go through following a break-up too. As I said in a previous post, there was a point when I wasn't even sure if I still loved him. However the intensity that we once shared seemed/seems impossible to be able to find again ... although, at this stage, I am uninterested in finding it with someone else. In fact I am totally uninterested in the whole dating game and getting involved in a relationship. Nevertheless these things do hold some concern for me too. Will I ever find anyone else? Will I ever want to find anyone else? I do actually think the answers to both these questions are "yes" but there are still times when I ponder these questions too much and then I can't "think for thinking" and I mess with my own head. I start to get concerned that after so much time I still haven't moved on in any real capacity.

 

In reality, however, it has only been a few weeks since really letting go. This is what contact does. It holds you back.

 

I promise you deejay ... it does get better ... and even if it does take some time to totally cleanse someone from our system the pain itself lessens considerably until they become more of a wistful memory (with maybe the odd "down" day thrown in). In years to come it won't even be that.

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Thanks for your response. Glad to hear you're doing well, overall.

 

I guess I missed the part where you said the NC has only been 6 or 7 weeks ago. That's not that long either.

 

In addition to the pain, I am going through the other thought processes and emotions too. Like: why do I still miss my ex when she was so mean to me post BU and even threatened a restraining order if I contacted her again? With all the negative things I've realized about her, why can't I fully move on? Why can't I stop thinking about her?

 

Like you, I am not interested in dating either. And I have the same concerns as you about finding someone else.

 

I thought I had reached a milestone and I posted about it a while ago, but I guess I've regressed. The past 2 days have been very hard.

 

I had a weak moment today where I *almost* sent an email to my ex just saying i was sorry for everything. I had it drafted then I snapped out of it and deleted it.

 

Like I keep saying, I am almost desperate to get the pain out and to stop thinking about my ex. I try to focus on me, but it's only for fleeting moments. Same thing with distracting my thoughts when I think about her.

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Lots of my favorite "veterans" posting here

 

Even me, almost 10 months out of the initial dumping, and 3 months after the failed attempt at reconcilliation, I still have days that I just can't shake her......

 

There is no desire to contact, and it comes and goes thru the day.....nothing like it was January thru April, but still really bittersweet longing for her even though I know the "her" I long for was gone over 2 years ago......

 

I finally have decided to sell the rings I had bought over 2 years ago......she never knew I intended to ask her to marry and I'd bought them right at the end of when things were "good", "really good", but a couple months after I bought them, I could sense the imbalance so I never posed the question to her.......

 

I guess I'd been secretly hoping for reconcilliation to work, but it didn't so now I can get my $$$$$ back!! Woot Woot!!

 

Time for a sweet ski trip this year I predict!!

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I don't mean "pain" per se but ALL the other emotions and thought processes that we go through following a break-up too.

 

That's the way I feel, as well. I'm on the same BU schedule as both you and Surfjon (1st of the year-ish) and you're right, the "pain" that was excruciating at first has morphed into something else. I don't know what it is just yet. Do I still think about him? Yes. Do I still love him? Absolutely. I've mourned the loss, he's not coming back. Now what? I'm okay with not having the answer right now.

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