She's dating someone new, and I'm confused

[mrfred747]

I've been friends with a girl I first met online for nearly three years now. I had a crush on her, but after we met in person, she didn't feel the same.

 

We remained friends, and became in time the best of friends. Eventually, probably inevitably, my feelings resurfaced.

 

Recently, we were very briefly involved romantically, but she ended it. Her reason: she's personal trainer level fit. I'm not. I'm certainly no couch potato, and I'm actually only a few pounds overweight (no lie, I admit my shortcomings). But fitness is a big part of her life, so as much as I hated it, I understood it. It wasn't so much a vanity thing as it was that she felt like we wouldn't share a significant thing in her life.

 

Fast forward a couple months. She's now dating a guy who is by far more out of shape than I've ever been in my entire life. She's never dated anyone even close to this out of shape. I've met him. He's a great guy. Very kind and generous. He treats her well. But, hello? So am I and so did I.

 

Do I confront her about this? And if so, how? She seems to genuinely care for this guy, going so far as to say she's head over heels. I don't understand it. I don't want to be the jerk who rains on the parade, but I feel like I deserve an explanation. She has repeatedly said throughout our time together that the main, and in the end the only, thing holding her back from being with me is the physical chemistry. Am I wrong in wanting an explanation as to how this has suddenly turned into The Twilight Zone?

 

Bear in mind that I'm not only in love with this girl but I treasure our friendship. I don't want to hurt her or hurt our friendship, but this is driving me insane.

[stuka80]

You CANNOT i repeat, CANNOT be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. Stop saying you guys are friends because you're not, you're just waiting on the wings hoping that by being there for her and being nice to her that she will eventually see you the way you see her and as i said, it is not what friendship is.

 

Physical attraction is not mathematics nor is it logical in the way you and i understand it. Just because you're more fit than him does not automatically mean she will pick you over him. There's tons of other things in the equation that only make sense in her mind. Her excuse for not being attracted to you was more than just the physical part, which was part of it. Maybe the new guy just pushes the right buttons in the way he moves and acts overall. Its best to not confront her about it because truth be told she does not owe you an explanation, she just wasn't attracted to you for whatever reason and that's that. If you want good advice, For your own peace of mind i would just move on from her and stop pretending that you're sticking around for the "friendship" because there was none. The sooner she's out of your life, the better it would be for you.

[morrowrd]

Sorry but you have nothing here to confront because she doesn't owe you an explanation. She likes this other guy, she doesn't like you, and it might have nothing to do with fitness or anything you're thinking about. Maybe they just click, and she felt the two of you didn't.

 

If I were you, stop following her around like a puppy, you will look pathetic. You definitely will if you "confront" her.

[Tanzi]

No you do not confront her. It is totally her choice who she dates and she does not owe you any explanations.

 

The reason she gave you for not wanting to be in a relationship with you was most likely an "excuse" (or rather something she thought was an acceptable explanation) so don't let it confuse you. The real reason (as she also admitted) is the lack of of chemistry (on her part anyway) that is holding her back. If she isn't feeling it, then she isn't feeling it and no words or confrontations is going to change that.

 

So, no, don't be the jerk who is raining on her parade because she really won't thank you for it and she really won't like that she has to justify her relationship to you.

 

As for being friends with this girl .... well, it is impossible to be friends with someone you are in love with. This is not true "friendship". This is really you wanting more accepting "friendship" in the meantime. This is how your "friendship" will always be (ie. you getting hurt every time she falls for another guy or gets deeper involved with this guy) so what you should really be considering is whether or not you can be friends with this girl.

[lerenard]

I was in the same position, as that girl, meaning that I was friends with a guy but he wanted more and I didn't. From that point of view I can assure you, that if she never liked you in THAT way, it doesn't matter at all how good you were treating her, and how much overweight that other guy is. She just doesn't want to be your girlfriend, and that was the reason she ended it, and not your extra few pounds.

The guy I had these same problems with said that I am his greatest love and he knows that, so I should just surrender to that, and why the hell cant I give him a shot. Because no matter how good you match together as friends, if there is no attraction and chemistry - there is no way I will "try" to be your girlfriend just because you want to sleep with me, not just be my friend.

And she owes you nothing for that matter, but I would agree that it was her mistake to ever even TRY to be romantically involved with you and the fact that she lied about the reasons why she ended it. Anyhow - you don't confront her. You get over her and the fact that her BF is way more overweight then you are.

[mrfred747]

I do appreciate the responses, all. "Owes an explanation" is probably a poor way to phrase how I feel in the situation. Given her explanation for why we didn't work out, and her very quickly subsequent dating of someone who flies in the face of said explanation, I suppose I just feel like the world has been turned on its head. As a logical person, I feel like there's a missing piece in a puzzle and I hate missing pieces. And I'll admit to being hurt by it, of course. In the end, of course she's free to date whomever she wants, and I really do want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.

 

The thought of not having her in my life at all makes me physically ill, but I know it may come to that.

[Tanzi]

It does fly in the face of her explanation but she also said the only thing holding her back from being with you was the physical chemistry. The thing is, chemisty wouldn't be the "only" thing - it would be the "main" thing holding her back. Anything else she told was her trying to give you an explanation that you would accept.

 

There isn't really anything missing here. Granted she shouldn't have entered into a relationship with you but sometimes these things happen. The bottom line is she wasn't feeling what she should be feeling. You're feeling hurt because evidently her explanation was a load of rubbish. She shouldn't really have tried giving you an explanation and just said that she wasn't feeling any chemistry ... but the main thing is you know she doesn't feel what she should feel. She probably can't really explain why. Confronting her about her explanation isn't going to change anything. You just need to accept her choice - not the reason why.

[lerenard]

The missing piece in this puzzle is the love and sexual chemistry from her towards you. And believe me sometimes it has nothing to do with the way you look, you can be 2000 times sexier then her new guy, but what her heart feels is out of your reach. And as you two had a brief romantic thing going on - I can say she at least tried, and no matter how wrong that was, considering that she wasn't in love with you - she did try, but it felt wrong so she ended it. I think you would be a lot more hurt if she stayed with you just because she knows how you feel about her, instead of doing so because she truly loves you too.

I was pissed with my friend for his pressure towards me to be with him, especially because I lost a real friend and it hurt me, while he claimed to be hurt because he lost a potential girlfriend, potential being the main word here. We are fine now, and we became great friends again only when I started dating someone else and he did as well. Now we spend time together as couples)

[Iggles]

As a logical person, I feel like there's a missing piece in a puzzle and I hate missing pieces.

 

As others have pointed out, love isn't rational. It cannot be determined by equations or ratios. Attraction and physical chemistry is something that is felt. Many times people cannot put into words why they're drawn to someone.

 

For whatever reason she didn't feel that spark with you. The other components may have been there -- friendship, trust, emotional connection. But without the physical there's not point in trying to make it romantic.

 

The thought of not having her in my life at all makes me physically ill, but I know it may come to that.

 

You have one-itis. You need to get used to her not in your life to fully get over her. As long as you continue down this path you will hold out hope.

 

Sure you can be friends again one day, but NOT while you have feelings for her. You aren't viewing her as a friend -- you're viewing her as a potential girlfriend when she has been clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you.

[SooSad33]

Sounds like you're jealous and bring this 'weight/fit' thing into the equation. Don't do that.

Your comparing yourself to him and wondering 'why isn't she with ME!?.

 

I guess the thing is, maybe things just didn't 'click' with you two and yes, she's with someone else. YOU now have to back off and accept this.

So what- he may NOT be 'as fit', but obviously she has 'feelings' for him. It happens.

Relationships are NOT solely built on one factor. It's whether it's there for them.. or not. Compatibility etc.

 

You're reacting to this, I understand and you're coming up with excuses because your 'hurt'. But, not much you can do. Time to back off now and respect the facts.

Give her, her space.

 

tc

[mhowe]

You do not deserve an explanation. Just because the reason she said she couldn't date you was a fib, doesn't mean you get to judge

every other guy she dates against her imaginery standard.

 

You are "friends". You are also an ex-lover who isn't happy about his status.

 

Keep your mouth closed. And ask yourself if you are really capable of being friends....because friends are happy when we find someone to love.