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Peter54321

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Hello,

 

Not sure where to start but here goes... (Hopefully this is not too long)

 

I feel broken. My girlfriend and I just split up which was her decision after 2 and a half years. I know everyone says this but to me it seemed like the perfect relationship but I guess it wasn't. We were very much in love and always spoke about our future, I was always invited to family events (she had a big family) and was set to spend this Christmas with her family. She always told me how much she loved me and is a very mature 20 because of some family dramas that went on when she was 16ish. We did everything together and never went a day without a text or call of a night to see how each others day went. We usually spent 3 nights a week at each others house, sometimes more sometimes less. I had never been happier in my life and now it just feels like I have yet again lost another person who I loved. Although this time it was a decision not a passing

 

Basically a few months ago she started hanging out with 2 new girlfriends who were both single and always went out partying. Ever since that I thought she felt a bit distant or a bit different even? She always told me not to worry about it etc etc but eventually I had to get her to have a serious chat about us and her future and what she wants to do at the moment and we discussed a lot and both ended up in tears and agreed to work on our own problems. After that it was great, we had a bit of a chuckle about some of our problems and it all seemed great.

 

A week later she was back to how she was before and maybe I was being too clingy or dependent but I had to talk to her again. This ended up with us both agreeing it would be a good idea to go on a 2 week break to give her a chance to miss me and so we could both take a step back and appreciate what we have. This is where I screwed up; 2 days after we went on the break I was panicking and just had a bad feeling, I told her how much I loved her and it was a mistake to go on the break etc etc'. Eventually I found out through Facebook (eff you facebook) that she was planning to end things with me. I ended up finally getting in contact with her and told her I found out and that I would appreciate if we had a proper talk about it and if it was what she really wanted I would respect her wishes.

 

So the next day she wouldn't meet with me anywhere she just wanted to come to mine on the way to pick her mum up from work and we would have a talk and I would give her some items she had at my house. This is the part that shattered me; she only swung by for 20 minutes and showed absolutely no emotion, no sensitivity, in a way it looked like she was happy? She tried to explain what she wanted but really couldn't... she basically just said that she wanted to experience being an adult by herself and she wanted to be alone? Anyway it was over and I was devastated, I didn't know what had gone wrong or how it had ended quickly and coldly? She always said if something happened she would be broken and she wouldn't know how to live without me. Just as she was leaving we had a quick hug and kiss and she said to keep in contact and we would still be friends and in 6 months or a year who knows we could be back together. I just don't understand how someone who supposedly loved you so much can just walk away without emotion? I have been reading a lot into it to try to make myself better and I came accross a G.I.G.S thing if anyone would like to read it, I can't post URL but you should look up 'Grass is Greener Syndrome'. I think it definitely hit the nail on the head about what happened.

 

For the next couple of days I really had no idea what to do except for constantly think about things and get upset. I decided to google some things and came accross these forums which I am VERY grateful for because I feel I have a lot more understanding and feel like this isn't the end. Reading other peoples problems that were identical, similar or even different has really helped me through this (even though it has only been a week). So far there has been no contact between us even though she said we should be friends and to keep in contact. After reading so many topics and posts on this forum I know the only way I can get her back or move on would be no contact. Today was actually the first day I have been angry, I don't know why because I have been so upset and confused but today I just woke up angry, I felt betrayed after everything we had been through but had to jump back on the site to calm myself down and get back to positive thinking. She had kept me on facebook and not deleted our pictures but I decided today (1 week after the breakup) that I would block delete her and her family from facebook. I sent her brother a message just saying basically 'dont take offence but it is best for me if i delete everyone so it is easy for me to move on, best regards etc etc'.

 

I am not sure if I should send her one last message letting her know why I have deleted her and her family on facebook and apologise that it didn't work out between us? I really want to but every time I think about it I come on here and try to post. But then I don't. God this is awful..

Now I am unsure what to do? I know I have to work on myself and I while I am on Uni holidays I have applied for some volunteer work while waiting for a paid job.

 

I guess I think I just posted this as comfort and to get everything off of my chest and maybe others could give me their 2 cents on the topic or their own stories? Should I send her a final message saying goodbye or goodluck and sorry it didnt work out? Or ask what she is thinking? What else should I do/expect? I guess I'm just shocked and confused about how it went downhill so quickly? It was literally 2 weeks ago she told me how excited she was for me to go to her family Christmas and spending time away for my Birthday in a weeks time (had booked a place and had to cancel)... I really don't know

 

I am really glad there are forums like this it has definitely helped me stay strong-ish through this ordeal.

 

Sorry for making it so long I have so much more to say but I really didn't want to drag it on longer than it already is.

 

Peter

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Also before she left when I gave her back her things I gave her a letter that I had been writing during the 2 week break. It was basically everything on my mind about myself her and our relationship. I told her to read it when she feels like it just to know how I feel because it is hard to say everything that is on your mind to someone in such a short time.

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I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

 

Reading your story, it just sounds like she's a 20 year-old and wants to act like a 20 year-old. She wants to hang with her friends and have fun, she wants to experience being an independent adult, wants to date around and see what's out there. This is all complete age-appropriate behavior.

 

I didn't catch your age in your post, but I'd recommend dating women who are a bit older and have experienced being single and on their own -- you started dating when she was only 17 and it's not very realistic to consider someone this age would want to settle down for good.

 

I know it doesn't make your pain any less. You've made the right decision to cut contact though. Right now, you need to heal and contact with her or her family would only prolong your suffering.

 

I'd advise against sending any "final messages" or reaching out in any way over the holidays. Here's a guide written by a member here that will help you: link removed

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I would also advise against writing her a letter. What could it achieve? You would just be waiting for a reply, feeling freshly rejected all over again if the reply didn't come.

 

It all happened so quickly with me too. You do feel shocked and confused. It's good to feel angry. It's more productive than sadness. I have stopped feeling angry, 6 weeks later, and now a sadness has set in instead. I preferred the anger! I guess these are both stages that we will all have to go through?

 

It definitely helps using these forums though, to know our emotions are normal and we will all be fine in the end. It's always okay in the end...and if it's not okay, it's not the end!

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No- say nothing more to her or her family. You've said enough.

You are going thru normal emotions, due to your loss. Loss is NEVER easy- on either end.

 

She may have shown 'no emotion' your way, but she does feel and she 'will' come to miss you too, give it time..

Now, just back off everything to do with her and leave her alone.

 

You 'need' to work on you now and right, NC is the way. I KNOW how hard this is.. you feel awful

You will go thru many emotions for the next while. Hurt, anger, denial, confused.. all part of 'loss' and it'll come in waves.

One day you'll be half okay.. next one you're falling apart & very emotional and this will go on for a while.

If you feel your anxiety is really bad, go see your dr and explain what's going on and ask if you can have something to help with the anxiety ( Loss of sleep, appetite, etc).

 

Again, have nothing more to do with her, as her request, respect this. Less the better for YOU.

In time.. If this is like GIGS, she will be back.. just never know when. But in that time.. you may have moved on.

 

Remember it isn't going to be easy. Am glad you happened upon this site. It's done me well and I've been here since June.

 

Stick around.. you're not alone.

 

tc

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I am going to venture a guess and say that this is your first break up. The best thing to do is to just leave her be and know that reality is going to hit you. If she is hanging out with her new girlfriends chances are that they are showing her a whole new fun side of life. You sound like a serious guy and odds say that she was just not ready with what you were willing to give her. Not that there is anything wrong with you or how you are so don't think you have to change for anyone. Also realize that this is not your fault or doing.

Okay, reality time... she is going to see other guys. I hate to say it but she is going to see what else is out there. She will have sex with guys and Im not saying this to be mean, but saying this because its a reality that is going to happen. So don't come here posting how she swore you would be the only one in the world and she is out having sex with another guy. Now you have to just leave her alone. Don't stalk, you can care, but don't stalk. Eventually she will contact you, when she does if you choose to talk to her then keep things simple, nothing deep. Don't mention "Us" "We" "together" and so on. She knows how you feel so don't need to reach out and text her and email her or anything like that.

This can be the best thing to happen to you... 1. Way down the road she can see you are the one she wants and with time, say a few months or even a year or two, she will find you. 2. You can go out and meet someone better and that's a good thing to. Im not suggesting you wait because you shouldn't. You should prepare to live a life without her. This is your first break up and chances are its not going to be your last. Ive been thru several and the first one is the toughest but youll get over it.

Keep your head up. Its not your fault. I know it hurts a lot we all have felt your pain and that's why we are here to help you get over things like this. To make life easier, put everything that reminds you of your X away, box them up and padlock it and store it and do not ever open again, or you can throw it all away, its your choice, but it has to be out of your mind and sight.

Delete her number from your phone, I know you memorized it but eventually youll forget it and this way you cant accidently text her. Delete all of the Texts, emails and whatever you have in your computer.

Stay busy, don't stay still. Don't worry about moving forward. Most people think if they move forward their X wont find them. That's not the case, if your X wants to find you she will find you no matter what you do. Know youll be okay. She is not the only girl out there. I know you don't want anyone else or no one compares, that's okay your hurting and that's the last thing but thinking that youll eventually find someone else is always a nice thought. You are young and plenty of life ahead of you.. so don't worry about that okay...

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Thanks for the advice as painful as some of it is. The hardest part is knowing I may never see or hear from her again after all this time. It is so confusing and depressing but I know that being a friend will only cause more pain. I never thought this would happen and I wasn't really prepared for it, everyone says the same thing though..

Once again I dreamt of her last night and woke up feeling like but straight away wrote down what I was thinking and starting doing things to keep my mind off it. Now I find myself actually wanting to talk to her and tell her that I am sorry that it didn't work out and sorry for any wrongs I may of done but maybe this is just another stage or thought of going through something like this. I mean... yesterday I was angry? I was angry that someone could who you thought you knew could just turn around and end it like that? sighh I have no idea what is going on in my head, it is constantly racing with so many mixed feelings. At least I have deleted and blocked her and her family and some of her friends from Facebook, just need to be strong enough now to delete her number... She did say she wanted to be friends and to keep in contact but I know I can't, It would be too hurtful, in a way that is one of the things I want to apologise for but I know I shouldn't.. or should I? Should I contact her saying that I'm sorry it didn't work out but I can't be friends because it is too painful so I will be blocking you out of my life? Or is that rude? Or weak?

Thanks again everyone I have re-read all of this over and each time I read it reassures me on what to do!

I just have to keep taking it day by day, week by week and focus on myself.

Good luck to anyone else who is going through the same or similar situation! Be strong!

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Staying in contact will only make it harder for you to recover -- and easier for her to move on.

 

Don't do it. Put yourself first.

 

There's no need to contact her to tell her you won't be staying in touch with her. If she contacts you and you feel bad not replying, you can send her a one-line reply at that time letting her know you're taking time without contact to heal and move on. That's all, no further information necessary.

 

Have you looked at the recovery guide link I sent you? It gives lots of helpful information on how to go and stay NC, as well as other issues for those who are recently broken up.

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In all reality, you will hear from her again. You just cant go 2+ years and drop them out of your life. So dont worry about that because she will eventually contact you. The hardest part is that you cant initiate anything and youll just have to move on with your life.

The anger you feel is natural. Youll swing thru all emotions, anger, fear, confusion, denial and you can hit all of them within the same hour. But at times you will hit acceptance and some days it will be for a min or two and as time goes on it will stay there longer until finally you finally accepted that she has her own life. I know that time will move sooooooo very slooooooooowwwww.. and there is nothing that one can do or say to make it go faster. So until that day happens, stay busy, work on you, do the things you need to make you smile again. Heck, go out and flirt, say hi, build that confidence back up. Or just walk around and look at all the beautiful girls in the world and know that you are not limited to one. This wont cure you of your pain, but it will lessen it slowly. And when you are ready to date, then date.. but dont rush or force anything.

You are not alone in this, we have all been what you have been thru.

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I definitely realise all of this and it feels good reading from others who have gone through the same thing and are now at a point where they have moved on and can give others advice and strength. I did read the breakup recovery guide and added it as a favourite so it is always there, thankyou for that. It is just very up and down because it is so fresh and every night I dream about her and us and what is going on and it wakes me up so early and I can't get back to sleep and it makes me feel miserable. All my mornings so far have started off miserable because of the dream. Last night I was so tired because I had a big day and I was barely thinking about her, I thought that would lessen the dream or maybe even totally get rid of it but it was there and more prominent than the last. Oh well once I get up and do something and then jump on the forums I feel better and just have to know that I am not alone and what happens is meant to be. Although I know it is such a rollercoaster of emotions and I am even starting to think about her family and how they are going and if they know about it and what they are thinking about me, which really doesn't matter. I did feel bad deleting some of her younger cousins who I got along with really well but I guess they will find out it is not because I hate them but because I needed to do this.

~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~ What a fantastic quote!! Definitely gives me hope that I don't need to be back with her to be happy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yesterday I saw my ex driving, she didn't see me luckily but it really hurt me inside. I don't know why I think it is just because she was with her friend (who I think had impact on our relationship) and she looked so happy. It is so unfair, I am miserable after everything and she is happy? Like me or our relationship never existed?

 

It has been 3 weeks since she left me, I have been strict No-Contact and as hard as it is, I feel like I was doing a decent job coping with this (thanks to the forums). But now after seeing her yesterday I feel like ****.

 

It sort of feels like I have to start again from the day she left. I know in the future when she gets over this somewhat 'phase' or goes through a bad break-up or something she will probably get in touch with me, but to be honest as much as I love her I don't think I could ever be with her again. It hurts me to say that but I think it would just be weird and what's to say she wouldn't do the same thing again?

 

I am just trying to be excited about the future and meeting someone else. I don't want a rebound relationship but honestly sometimes I think it wouldn't be a bad thing...

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Dont overthink things. The more you do the more it will hurt. Dont re-live it, you saw her and thats that. Its easier than it sounds but its true, you have to look at it that way. And of course its not fair that it appears she is out there being happy and you are miserable, but who is holding your own happiness back? You are.

Okay, so you are not ready to date, thats not a bad thing. Once we get knocked down we get back up. Im sure this is your first break-up and you have not learned how to stand up, but you will. This is not going to be your first heart break and youll have others. But with each one you learn a bit more who you are, you learn how to read those red flags, how to handle situations better. This advice is not going to cheer you up Im sorry. But know that in time you will date and you will be happy again. The when is up to you.

Its up to you on when to say to yourself its my turn to be happy. Its up to you to wipe away the tears and stand up and say Im ready to see what this world has to offer. That day might not be today, but youll be happy.. just a matter of time is all

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That's true No1 it's difficult but everytime I think of meeting someone new down the track it makes me feel excited. I sort of go through the lesser parts of the relationship to try to realise why it was good for me for the break up and not just her. I just need to be happy in life but yeah it is really difficult. I thought I had been going really well until then and also yesterday was my birthday and it wasn't very good. I'll vent again because it feels good haha

 

So yesterday was awful for me. It's been 3 weeks since she ended it and I have been in NC.

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't even get a 'happy birthday' text or anything.. nothing...

I don't know why I was hoping I would, she is not even part of my life now but I just thought after 2 and a half great years and always having great birthdays and christmas' and family events I would at least get something?

I was angry, for the first time I was actually really angry... I raged and had to go outside and slay the brick wall (more like my hands). Oh well it's better than being sad right? Oh well next birthday will be better....

 

Feels good to vent on here thanks!

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