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I want too but does she?


Opsurfer

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Here is the story: We were married for 12 years we have 3 boys together all under 12. We went through some really rough financial times, I admit that I did drink alot, and after the split even more. I was a mess, but then I decided to wake up. I have been sober now for 1 year, I feel great and have a new career. Now I see my ex because of the kids all the time, prior to getting this new job I had no contact with her for 3 months. I was working in Alaska. So now I came back new job, new lifestyle and attitude. I went over to see my kids and my ex and I just decided that I was still in love with her, I am crazy about the kids, and really want to make things work out for the group as a whole, they also are now living poorly due to financial strains, I told myself that my goal was to raise my family up out of poverty and show my love and appreciation for the woman i had those children with. I told her how I felt, and pointed out how selfish and insane i must of been while I was drinking. I was totally honest about my actions and feelings for her. She has been cold too me but she has helped me out, and when i come to see the kids she did not hang out with me, now she is starting too, also the other night before i left she let me hug her and kiss her on the forehead, a month ago I would of been pushed away with a NO! My question to you all is, do I just keep with this or should i back off a bit, I don't want her to get her ego going and say to herself oh i can have him anytime. What do you think?

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...Her Ego going'? Look what have you done.

She is slowly opening up for you, she clearly wants to trust you again. But if you send mixed signals my friend, that was it. A kiss on her forehead.

 

That it's amazing that you decided to change your life, man up and fix everything. Good job!

Now you need work on how to regain her trust... And be patient, it might take awhile.

Good luck.

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If your children are living in poverty, I think that devoting yourself to bettering their lives and situation might be a better focus for your life right now.

 

Romance is all well and good.... but why not put your own agenda on the backburner for now and focus on helping out your kids? I wouldn't expect their mother to respond to any of your advances until you've shown some consistency and real commitment to living up to your responsibilities as a father.

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You are right, on regaining the trust, the reason I did mention about her ego is that I have been over there and she last minute went out with a "friend" for drinks while I watched the kids. It hurt my feelings but then again I was not in the picture for the last few months.

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Your hurt feelings -- or her spending time with a "friend" -- are all secondary to getting your kids out of a poverty-level existence.

 

Just imo, as a mom -- I think you need to refocus on what's REALLY important in life. Your kids are WAY more important than your love life.

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Your hurt feelings -- or her spending time with a "friend" -- are all secondary to getting your kids out of a poverty-level existence.

 

Just imo, as a mom -- I think you need to refocus on what's REALLY important in life. Your kids are WAY more important than your love life.

 

Sharky I get that! With what I am doing now I want to pour all the money I make into the family. I want the kids to do sports and have nice vacations, but here is what I am driving at, if I do all this and my ex still wants to see other people, I feel somewhat foolish or am I over thinking this?? I want her to love me again. So what I am asking for is advice on how to gain that trust again.

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What you're not getting is that your obligations as a father exist whether or not you and your wife reconcile.

 

It's not: IF I pour all my money into improving my childrens' lives THEN IT NATURALLY FOLLOWS my wife needs to take me back.

 

The problem is, you've been an absentee husband and father.... and now that you're finally starting to contribute, you want some kind of guarantee that you'll get a payoff? How about YOUR KIDS having a better life for a payoff?

 

I can't for one second believe your wife is not picking up on this selfish attitude of "what's-in-it-for-me-me-me" now that you're finally stepping up to your family responsibilities.... but that's just my take remember, others may see it differently.

 

Why not try just being a great DAD without looking for any reward other than renewing a relationship with your sons for now? Isn't that enough?? You might earn back some respect from your wife if you can keep that up over time.

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Sharky and Me82 have made some good points^^.

 

The point being that you've been away for a while, have come to your senses and have returned, good for you!

IF you truly 'love' your wife, are wanting to give it another try now and mean it, it will take some time.

As mentioned, to regain her trust again.

 

Do not expect in a week, she will just give in and say "yes, I've missed you, I want you back' etc.

I'm sure there's a lot going on in her mind.

If you've already given her your spoken word of how you've worked on improving yourself, see how things were and are now wanting to try again, then let her see this, give it time to be proven and go from there.

 

IF you are acting out with this " I don't want her to get her ego going and say to herself oh i can have him anytime.",

Already thinking It's going to be now- or never type behavior, then move along.

Obviously it sounds like it's all under YOUR rules. And YOU cannot expect this 'now or never' crap..idea.

 

Think about it.. IF it is REAL love for her, you WILL take the time to show it and work with her.

IF you are 'thinking' oh, I'll give her a month and I'm walking away from her again.. then don't even bother.

If you 'love' someone, love has NO time limit.

 

What do you want? Do you want to be back with her again, seriously? If you do, then give it time.

Meanwhile, deal with your kids, like a real father does.

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I am all in girls I love this woman! I was insane and did not realize what I was throwing away. It is real love for me, I did not mean to come accross as if I was only trying for a month or so, yes I do want it my way of course, that is human nature I think, but I know I need to take the time and show the love and commitment!

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I think of you start to be a great father for you children automatically she will admire you and respect you, consequently love you again.

Just be a great dad, and try your best to give them a great future. She'll appreciate you again.

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