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Controlling Husband. What would you do?


CountessJax

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My husband thinks tattoos and piercings are trashy. That belief comes from his family. They are weird (in my opinion).

 

I have one tattoo that I got when we were separated. I also got a belly button piercing around the same time.

 

I compromised when he told me he hated the piercing. Said it was trashy and made me look like a w___e.

 

So I took it out and got a cartilage piercing on my upper left ear.

 

I have always wanted another tattoo. He always says they are trashy, he used to even hate when the kids got the temp ones from the little machines. Would hardly ever let them wear them.

 

Now, I have decided I am going to get another one. Most likely on my wrist or ankle. I told him I was getting one. He acts like I was asking his permission. (Probably because when I was young and stupid I did more often than not)

 

He thinks I should ask his permission for everything I do. What would you do? I mean, I, obviously, don't have a problem with tattoos. He obviously has a huge problem. He thinks because he hates them that I should not get one.

 

If you wanted one in this situation, what would you do?

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It's ultimately your choice, though I do wonder if there is some motivation on your part to "prove your independence." We all hit those walls in life. I disagree with the "He can get over it" attitude, it seems harmful to the relationship to use that mentality over an issue he has a big problem with. It should be a two way street and one open for dialogue.

 

Now it sounds like he is a bit of a control freak from this posting, I wonder if there is some bigger problems and this is a flash point.

 

Full disclosure I don't like tattoos that are constantly visible, they look tacky to me. So take what I said with some salt.

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Thank you both for your replies.

 

Yes, there are other issues as well.

 

This is one of those things where I either do it for me, or don't do it for him.

I'm kind of tired of doing things to keep him happy. 17 years of me doing all the compromise is getting flipping old.

 

Thanks again, and anyone else I welcome all advice.

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Thank you both for your replies.

 

Yes, there are other issues as well.

 

This is one of those things where I either do it for me, or don't do it for him.

I'm kind of tired of doing things to keep him happy. 17 years of me doing all the compromise is getting flipping old.

 

Thanks again, and anyone else I welcome all advice.

 

Why don't you hold off on getting the second tattoo and work on the other issues. If you want another tattoo a month or a year or two won't make a difference and you might even pick a tattoo that you have really thought through better (design wise). Because being motivated to get another one quickly to sort of stick it to him or prove a point is not making matters better for your relationship or just you personally. Because if this doesn't work and you get in another relationship, resolving personal issues with eachother brings growth.

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17 years of me doing all the compromise is getting flipping old.

 

So you do think that the tattoo's and piercings are somewhat of a symbol of your rebelling against always trying to appease him? I agree with an earlier poster that you shouldn't be spiteful. In other words, get these things because you really want them and not because you're trying to show hubby that you're not to be f'd with.

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Um...did anyone else catch that they were separated? What happened during this time and why are you still with him if it's so miserable? I agree it's not about the tattoo, you guys have unresolved issues. If you're not willing to deal with it and neither is he why don't you both walk away and allow yourselves to have the chance at a fulfilling life? Not all relationships are forever. There's nothing wrong with growing apart after 17 years.

 

FYI I love tattoos. I have 5 and will be getting my 6th in December. You should definitely get the tattoos if you've been thinking about them for 5 years!

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She said "when we were separated." This implies that they are currently together.

 

While I don't think tattoos are wrong, if my spouse found them unattractive I definitely would not get one. The feelings of my mate are more important than some piece of artwork. My wife doesn't like facial hair, and I find shaving regularly a pain in the ass (it is not required for my field of work), yet I do it, for her.

 

I do agree with the other posters though that this is not really about the tattoo. It's the feeling you're being controlled in general, and this is just an example of that. Can you give any other examples of his controlling behavior besides just a tattoo and piercings? I mean, these are common turnoffs. Where else does he control your life?

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I'm honestly of two minds here.

 

First, he's controlling. Ok, that's definitely something you have to decide if you can deal with it for the rest of your life. Getting a tattoo is not going to change his controlling behavior one bit, except give him something else to guilt trip you about.

 

And this is no surprise to you. You have apparently been together long enough to have children. You knew his feelings on piercings and tattoos before you married him, before you had his children. And you're choosing now to say "bleep your feelings."

 

Agree, it's not about the tattoo. No matter how much you wanted it - this is more about asserting at least one point to him, and IMO, it's not a good one to use.

 

If his controlling behavior is that bad - try marriage counseling, or divorce. Seriously. A tattoo is not going to solve anything. It will just make him think (rightly) that you don't respect his beliefs and wishes that you knew about.

 

Shoving something in his face to compensate for him expecting you to ask permission for everything - it won't. It will just lead to more conflict - and maybe give you the excuse you're looking for to leave him. And yes, I honestly think you're looking to escalate things to make it easier to justify walking. It's apparent you didn't really want to reconcile, and apparent from what you've said he isn't looking to relax his controlling ways or change.

 

You don't have to justify ANYTHING to anyone. If he's a control freak and you feel you need out (I would), then go. Take the kids, and leave his butt in the dust. You can get your tattoo as a celebration later and really have something you want - not have it as a reminder of your to-be ex.

 

He doesn't respect you - and you no longer respect him. What's left for you to stay in this marriage?

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This is sooooo not about the tattoo.

 

This. What is going on here has nothing to do with the tattoo. If I really wanted to get a tattoo and my partner didn't like the idea, I'd consider his feelings but ultimately do what I wanted. Other people don't control my decisions, but their feelings do factor in. If I care about someone, I always take their feelings into consideration before doing something that might affect them. This isn't about tattoos. It's about the general concept of asking permission which I think depends on the couple. For some people that may work. For me it wouldn't and I'd have to get out of that kind of relationship.

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It's about the tattoo, and not. You are all right.

 

I may be a little slow, but it took me this long to learn to grow up and stand up for myself and for the past year or two I have been simply waiting for a time to go.

 

I need out, I'm working on it.

 

Love doesn't have to be easy, I wouldn't expect it to. But it shouldn't be climbing a mountain without any gear either.

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Only now are you beginning to feel the effects of your latent anger. In time, it will most likely destroy your marriage. (If you are currently under the trace of pop-culture wisdom; your honor may be lost too.)

 

Instead of being another victim tell your husband what you want from him. (Don’t be surprised if he has no idea what you are talking about.)

 

Read Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” and if it’s what you want in him… give it to him.

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I agree that there are more issues at play here than simply the tattoo, however, if you are ever going to assert your own independence in the relationship, you need to start somewhere. I would sit down with him and tell him firmly (but not rudely) that getting a tattoo is something that is important to you and that while you respect his opinion on the subject, it is, ultimately your own body. If he doesn't like it he is free to leave.

 

You cannot let someone dictate your whole world - no matter who they are.

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"You cannot let someone dictate your whole world - no matter who they are." - tvnerdgirl

 

This, I have been slowly realizing, is what I allowed for many years. Every little bit of independance I have was hard won.

 

Thanks again everyone, knowing something and trying to do it and hearing someone else say the same thing, really is different. Sometimes I just need to know I'm not crazy for wanting to be my own person and not just "his wife" for a change.

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"You cannot let someone dictate your whole world - no matter who they are." - tvnerdgirl

 

This, I have been slowly realizing, is what I allowed for many years. Every little bit of independance I have was hard won.

 

Thanks again everyone, knowing something and trying to do it and hearing someone else say the same thing, really is different. Sometimes I just need to know I'm not crazy for wanting to be my own person and not just "his wife" for a change.

 

It's difficult, but I am sure you will be able to do it - and hopefully you can make him see that you being more independent does not mean it is a threat to him. Incidentally, I LOVE your avatar. HUGE Doctor Who fan

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It sounds like there are control issues in your relationship and you could benefit from couples counseling. If you are both committed and love each other, you feel he has good qualities and there are positive aspects to your relationship, with the help of a professional you could work on your issues through compromise and negotiation.

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This is sooooo not about the tattoo.

 

Agreed. You are using the tattoo controversy to bring out other issues of this relationship. Instead of doing this, why not just sit down and make a list of what works for you and what doesn't. Then evaluate the chances for positive change.

 

Arguing about tatts will not address the bigger issues here. The fact that you left and came back only show that the real stuff never got addressed.

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The fact that you left and came back only show that the real stuff never got addressed.

_____________

 

No it never did. And that was mostly my fault too. Because I made bad choices when I left. ( I was only 21, age doesn't excuse it really but it does play a part) I ended up cheating way back then and hubs found out. And instead of my leaving being about our marriage issues, it became about me cheating.

 

I didn't know how to stand up for myself then.

 

 

(tvnerdgirl - Doctor Who is a bit of an obsession of mine LOL. I feel like such an awesome mom when my kids (15, 11, 9) can quote and make jokes about it too)

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