Absolutely lost seeking counsel please!

[Kinipeli]

I am only going to post the most recent email from my guy for now! I want to hear people's first response to this and I intend to elaborate, but it is supper time and i have mouths to feed. And THAT is my priority.

 

A bit of background..... We have been together for 16 months. He was recently separated from his wife of 20+ years. He had two young children. I have one adult child and one young child.

 

When we met, I was recently (5 months) out of a 7 year, serious LTR that ended so suddenly I was a train wreck. He walked out on me, moved in with a friend, who is now his wife, 20 months later! it wasnt a good relationship! This new guy 'woke me up' , it made me get out and try to have fun again. He grew on me. He would come see me (1 hour drive) at least 3 times a week. Does lots of nice things for me...cuz he WANTS to! But he doesnt want serious, is very clear about not wanting a commitment. This left me with many questions.....

 

...are we exclusive, can we see other people, and so on...... ! He said if I want to date others, he is out! I have been loyal and exclusive to him all this time! He holds the cards in that, he only ever came to my place, I never went to his.....he knew my place inside out. When he left to go home....he knew I was at home with my kids. i started questioning if he actually did go home or do what he 'said' what he was doing....I mean. It was all on good faith. When I started asking questions he initially said he doesn't have to report to me....and he wasn't giving me a 'f -ing' itinerary. 16 months later, he is now temporarily living with his parents (2 months). I called his cell phone a few weeks ago, no answer (he does that often)...so I called his parents landline cuz we were supposed to be going to a concert that night and needed to figure out the details! Holy crap..,did I catch heat for that....

 

He has always said...'i will call you later'. I don't have a cell right now, so it is my landline he has to call...I anticipate his call..but it more often than not, it doesn't come that same day (says he doesn't need to talk me everyday) even when he is specific about the timing of his call....NOTHING.....or hours later! Like ? he says, don't wait for the call!????

 

He had his kids this past weekend so I give him his space and if I feel the need to say anything important, I email him with no expectation of an immediate response! He called last night on his break, with 30 seconds to go....talks over me, tells me about his weekend with his boys, then says he has to get back to work! I guess he sensed my tone was different....and he asked..'is there something wrong?' But.... I can barely say a word and he is justifying ( i dont know what). Says he will call me tomorrow. Well 3pm comes and still no call? I call him and again, all about his kids...and 'he has to go' and will call me later. I piped up and said, no, i want to know what is going on with us.....I want a 'real' boyfriend, i want more than day to day! (No! Not marriage or living together) just some sense of security. He reacts and says 'i dont need this right now', i will speak to you later. Again I said NO! I cant live like this, and he says ...go away and find the guy you want. ......GRR! And hangs up on me...as usual! But mot before he says 'we're done', it is OVER!

 

Then an email from him telling me not to bother sending endless emails.....

 

Here is what he had to say....and I need advice!!! He always tells me he REALLY likes me, but not love.....YET!

 

 

ME: 'No reason to invest anymore time into a one sided relationship. The signs have been there for months, you have so little time for me! You are not happy with me, and it hurts so much,

 

 

It would have been better and more respectful to have an adult conversation and break up in person! Goes to show just how much you dont respect me or my feelings!

 

I do love you, but i cant be with someone who doesn't respect or appreciate ME!

 

I dont need to fight a losing battle.'

 

 

HIM: no your not happy because I don't need you constantly and you do sorry you need to be so needy and I'm not it good luck no digs no fight, I'm out!

[SooSad33]

Sounds like he has a bit of attitude and all one sided? (his rules).

 

BUT you do need to realize that BOTH of you have come out of a LTR. So, neither of you have had much time to 'accept and heal' from it, have you?

I lost my man of 5 yrs and am still 'healing', after 7 months... will be a while BEFORE I feel I can do this again.

 

So- with what you've both had, I'm not surprised of his attitude etc. He is not mentally or emotionally stable yet.

Sounds like he wasn't too agreeable with things you were wanting to do- how you wanted it, etc.

 

Seems like too much clashed, was not a very good match. YOU don't need this.. do you?

Walk away without regrets and maybe sit back a while to deal with these break ups. Get your head & heart back to good.

[Wikibex]

Sounds like he has a bit of attitude and all one sided? (his rules).

 

BUT you do need to realize that BOTH of you have come out of a LTR. So, neither of you have had much time to 'accept and heal' from it, have you?

I lost my man of 5 yrs and am still 'healing', after 7 months... will be a while BEFORE I feel I can do this again.

 

So- with what you've both had, I'm not surprised of his attitude etc. He is not mentally or emotionally stable yet.

Sounds like he wasn't too agreeable with things you were wanting to do- how you wanted it, etc.

 

Seems like too much clashed, was not a very good match. YOU don't need this.. do you?

Walk away without regrets and maybe sit back a while to deal with these break ups. Get your head & heart back to good.

 

How are you both doing? How long does it take to heal? I was with someone for 6years. It's been 6 weeks since he left. I don't want to keep being sad...

[Wikibex]

If he is making you wait for calls, it sounds like mind-games you don't need right now. Your time is worth more than sitting around waiting for someone. Is it easy for you to get out much, having a young child to take care of?

[Kinipeli]

The other part... Is it relevant?

 

he has met both my boys...over and over..but I have never met ANY of his friends or family.

[Kinipeli]

He says my standards are too high!

[Kinipeli]

I still cry over my best friend that I lost! He walked out and never said goodbye! he helped raise my (now) ten year old from exactly two years old to 8!

 

I had NO business getting involved again that soon! My girlfriend pushed me to get out again! We met mid July .... i did it...and suggested a summer fling. Come the end of summer, he said 'it doesn't have to be a summer fling'.

 

Two other (rather 3) things happened which he had dissed, diminished, minimized and tells me I am nuts to go on about and wont speak to it all!

[Kinipeli]

Canada!cool! Where abouts?

 

See! I do have a light side to me! My guy is good with me until i get heavy! Heavy? What is that anyways?

 

As I said...3 things that I almost want to bet,most would have WALKED a long time ago!

[Mesemene]

Sounds like he just wanted someone available when he wanted you - but wasn't willing to make ANY kind of commitment, even as far as keeping in touch.

 

And that smacks of power play games to me.

 

I know it's not easy - but step back, and look at his actions. Calling when he had no time to talk. Not letting anyone know you existed. Not willing to make any concessions, but willing to dump you in a second if you weren't "his."

 

You CAN do better than this. Your standards aren't too high. He just doesn't meet the bare minimum of decency, once the shiny wrapping was peeled off. You're better off alone and spending time and energy on yourself than sitting around waiting on his butt.

 

And that's just what I suggest you do. Take that time you were waiting on him, and find something new to get involved in just for you. A cooking class, yoga at the community center, learn to paint, take a DIY class at home depot for redecorating your kitchen. It doesn't matter what it is - it just has to be something that will be good for YOU.

 

And do something little for yourself every day. Make a small goal, like "today I will spend at least five minutes enjoying a cup of tea without thinking about anything but how good the air smells, and what I'd like for dinner tonight." "I'll go for at least a 10 minute walk twice a week with my child, and show him/her at least one new thing, or point out something I like about this time of year."

[Kinipeli]

It is easy to get out, why do you ask?

[Kinipeli]

Thx! I know that I knew this. He has said as much. He says it took him 7years to 'love' his to be wife. That pressuring him is just pushing him away! We have or have had so many good times. He told me that I care more for him than his wife EVER did. That I am more interested in his diabetes than she was!he told me that He is not a good catch, that I need more. But then he turns it all back in me and says..that he has changed and grown (since they moved out of the family home ...less than two months ago) and that I haven't changed at all.

[Kinipeli]

Yes! I concur!

[Kinipeli]

He took his boys to the PNE this August. He calls me up from there and asks me to meet him there. I said, what am I to do? What will you say to the boys about who I am....(they dont know about me) He says..'dont worry about it'. I get there, awkward.....but I act like we 'just ran into each other'....he doesnt say a f-ingword. Sends the boys on a ride, once that is over, they are back.....still No intro....i 'follow' them around like a little doggy...for about 2 hours and then suddenly, he has to leave...and so I disappear into the moonlight! I ask him the next day if the boys wondered who I was....he replied...'sorry, no, you never came up'

[Kinipeli]

Thank you! I know he really likes me, but I guess the pressure was too much! What hurts is that he has this new attitude of 'i dont care'. You know it is going downhill when they adopt that attitude! I asked him what we are ...and he said 'nothing' and that 'its over'! WOW!