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Sorry for the long read...


We had dated for 13 months. im 21, she is 19. Its my first relationship, and i think her first serious one (her longest one was 4 months). We met over summer job, and it became long distance; she is at my old home, and i am at college 2 hrs away. 3 weeks ago i could tell something was wrong; she was sad. as far as why, she was overworked (someone got fired so she had to work 6 days a week), her mother at home pressures her, always trying to make her help out with payments or around the house, and she has school. she also started insanity, meaning she wakes earlier, has less free time, and an odd sleep schedule. but that's when it started, a month before the breakup. i noticed a difference in the way she texted, she was busy, didnt talk as much, and always sad, so i asked if she needed a break. we fought about it a bit and it seemed like she broke up with me.


the next day, she told me not to be sad, it was just a break (we've taken breaks before and they worked out) not a breakup. the day after, she seemed sad and wanted us to meet halfway to talk as a couple about it, we did, then decided on her own to breakup officially (even stopped wearing the promise ring). when i got back to school that night, i pleaded for answers, saying she got to say what she wanted and i didnt get a say anything at all. She abruptly told me to leave her alone, that i was making her sad, and hung up. An hour later she said she couldnt sleep, and thought she made a mistake. from then on in there were three times it was like this; she wanted distance, then said she wanted to work on things, and make us better. we still texted every day.


i still kept trying to put it behind me. one day, when i felt i wasn't completely a wreck anymore, she said she was sorry for all this, knowing it was hard on me. i said i was over it, and put the phone down (i cant keep it on me, or i always look at it every minute of every day, even knowing she wont text). she said she was sorry, she hoped it wasn't over, and i was the only thing that made her days better, and that she was in a bad place, but pushed away the one thing making her a bit happier. she promised to talk about it over fall break (and for us to go to scarowinds- a chance for us maybe), but when i visited we never did. when i asked, she never answered. she said she couldnt answer because she doesnt know why she has been feeling the way she has, so when i try to get a clear picture, she cries and deflects. i can't get any answers at all. all i know is when i was with her, just having fun, she smiled and had a good day. we still made promises, like to visit scarowinds, and for her to come down on her fall break to my school.


i still love her. i wish i didn't but i do. ive asked people but the normal responses dont fit. she is not the kind to cheat, and if she wanted someone else she would just tell me. i know it is her sadness making her this way, i just dont know how she managed to link it to us. she did mention things became different with us. we were always fighting (but not about anything big, just small couple arguments people tend to forget the next day), and she didnt want to base someone else's future on who you are with now (talking about how when i graduate ill go to get a real job and she is going to go to school in wilmington- despite this, i believe that if you really care about someone, you work through it and find answers when it comes to it, to not end something so special after an entire year for nothing)


i know there are ways i messed up. we were both busy and i didn't give her the anniversary we planned so we agreed to put it off til we could. i wanted to surprise her, but just didn't have money and time to visit her. i know i still care about her and it is just this making me sad, but sometimes i get angry about not getting answers. i feel used, like, in this relationship, i am the one who loves her more. i send her long letters, and she says shes no good writing emotional letters. i always come to visit her, not the other way around (when she doesn't have work), i surprise her with coffee or food, which she never does. i feel roped along like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. im hurt, and i needed a clean break (not this, where we still talked daily and i ended up hurt)


We fought on my final night i planned on staying for fall break. i deleted her contact info on my phone then blocked myself on her facebook so i wouldn't be motivated to keep in touch and give her the space she needed (i swear i didn't do anything else, and told her for what it's worth). on our last night we were to get dinner and a movie. i tried to get answers at dinner and she got hurt and told me to just take her home. i was hurt. i felt like i wasted time. i didn't say anything. i drove her home and dropped her off. when i parked we sat there expecting some conversation i guess. all i said was for her to promise not to talk to me.ever again. she quietly said goodnight and thats it. even then though i couldn't stop. i felt bad. found her number and texted her and we continued on. i visited over halloween weekend. but i made a mistake everyone had told me to avoid. When i was with her, even though we ended up having fun at a haunted trail and movies and such, i couldn't stop over thinking things. Was the intimate way she was acting how she acted with all her other 'friends' or was it because of our past? like holding my hand in the scary trail, or leaning her head on my lap during a movie at home. she said it was because it was me, but at one point i couldn't take the overload and ran out of the house. At the end of the weekend, i just pushed her further away i feel. she had, passingly mentioned that obviously i was holding onto hopes for us, and it was bad, so she was going to try to not text me to help me move on. But this week was bad and she never texted (for some reason, whenever we say we won't talk, it's always ME who breaks and calls first) so when she seemingly ignored me, at one point i snapped. i told her i realized how stupid i had been. after she had burned me and hurt me over and over and never given me any reason or solace as to why, that i had been stupid to still talk with her, and that whenever i DO ask for a reason or to talk about "us," she says i am pressuring her. i told her i just cant win no matter what. that i cant ever get anything. so im done. goodbye.


Recently we had another chat and im left with more questions than answers. it started off i asked her that, after we had been through, and the 8 weeks without a firm answer of why she decided to dump me, then ask me to stay because i make her happy, that if she needed to tell me SOMETHING or else i'd leave. forever. i said i get that she needs time, but i don't even know what she thinks of me, or about a chance for us in the future. she didn't answer, just said she hated having an ultimatum of gone forever and made her sick to think that since i mean so much to her. i told her, after the five times she said she wanted to work on us and not give up hope on us, then deciding otherwise, then deriding me for getting my hopes up by saying im pressuring her, after hurting me so much, she cannot say ANYTHING at all, then i have to leave. i come back to visit her just ot make her smile (like this passed weekend), but whenever i want solace, i get shut down. then she doesnt message me. thats not caring for someone.she said she did this so i could get over things after i told her i wasnt leaving anytime soon and we could be friends. i countered, saying that even if we were friends, how would it feel if when she finally moved into a relationship, and it wasnt with me. then i said that we couldnt just be friends because even when we first met, we just clicked, to the point it, on it's own, progressed to something more (we were both talking to other people at the time, and it just happened). she says she did feel that way too, but she doesnt know whats wrong or what changed, but it isnt right for her to make promises she cant keep, and that she couldn't give me an answer now because it wouldnt be a yes, and she doesnt want to loose me forever. i confirmed i didn't want a yes or no now. i just wanted to know if, in her heart, after everything we've been through, here is hope. even a tiny bit. she said there was a tiny bit, but she doesnt want me to hold out hope just for her to let me down. she doesnt want to loose me as a friend, but doesnt want to do this to me either. we talked a bit, and she said she was a bad person for doing this to me, she knows. she asked me what i wanted, and i said i dont know, i want to talk to each other still, be there for each other. make new memories together, and help her through this and make her happy so i can be too. at this point, she says she doesnt feel like the same person anymore, and it makes her sad. like she really feels she needs to see a doctor to get insight about why she changed and just became sad. she still feels connected to me, she thinks she always will, and deeply cares about me. when i asked her if it could become something more, she says she cant give me an answer, but if i need a cold turkey breakup, we can do that since this is so hard. i asked her simply as a confirmation if we could wait, for me to not talk to anyone and her to do the same while she works through this. she said she doesnt know if its just her needing time, that she thinks we just need a clean break. she says she cant keep doing this, it isnt right, because she cant make up her mind, and i deserve better than wishy washy. that maybe one day we will be able to be friends. she said shell be there when i need her, but she "isn't the girl she was when we started dating" and it's only going to hurt both of us to keep waiting for "that girl" to come back. she says she thinks for now it needs to be really over, this back and forth is hard for both of us and its not right and she needs to learn to make herself happy again. At this point, ending the conversation, i was getting angry. i told her, after all the plans we made, the 2 months i've stuck around after the breakup when NOBODY else would, she decides to do this. i told her it was a waste, and she obviously doesnt give a care anymore. i told her if the girl i once loved just "left," then the guy who once loved her is gone now too, but that she was the one who "killed" him. she says she will go to the doctor, and is trying to do the right thing and will always be there for me, but hates hurting me and it's awful or her, then asked why i switched from being hopeful to mean? i only replied much later (which is why she hasnt answered), that everytime i'm hopeful she pushes me further away. i started to conversation intent on leaving forever (which she didnt like at all, saying she didn't want to just leave forever), only becoming negative when i started talking about being friends and me trying to make her happy and make new memories.



This ultimately ended this weekend. We managed a small reconciling, as i had been talking to friends (girls), who swear to death that they had gone through the same thing. That it was just her life going through several changes, and i could get her back. Just to be patient, be there for her, don't mention the relationship but do everything i had planned to do anyway to build her up and help her through and that once she was happy again, she would know i really cared. so i tried. but the past two weeks whenever i texted her, she only replied in one-word answers. Eventually it got to ridiculous proportions. Even friends don't treat friends that poorly. I took it as good signs when, once, she messaged me when she was having a bad day and being "emotional and sad," she texted me. I tried to make her happy, and so told her my plans for us over Christmas break, including taking us to rent a hotel on the beach and watch the sunrise, and going to Richmond to hang with her family, and buying a pet turtle, among other things. Then, another night, she texted me an apology that she made me sad. I took these as good signs, but even then, after the initial few exchanges, it was only one-word replies. She said she was busy. But she can't just be busy for a month straight. I had found out that foremost among the things she was worried about was her tuition she had to pay herself of about a solid thousand dollars for a semester in technical college. She was only 400 dollars in, and needed more money. For this reason, i sacrificed more of my free time, took up another job, and had made 200 dollars towards her tuition when we had our final talk. I even left my first ever college football game early to work 10 hours. At the end of that day, tired, unable to sleep, but exhausted and sad, i texted her asking why she never replies or even talks to me when i text her. She said we just needed to move past it, which i took as meaning she no longer held any hope for us. She did what she often does and deflected, saying it was officially over, and that we really didn't have a chance if i keep "pulling stuff like this." So i told her to just get my things together (to give each other back our things), and she said okay. and i hung up. needless to day, unable to end on a bad note, i soon tried to call her and was ignore several times. I confessed about the job i took for her and the worries attempting to make her feel something, hoping she would. We didn't end completely sad, but needless to say it wasn't a hopeful note. The next morning i told her i was sorry, and she said it was okay. That she just wanted to be friends and i didn't and that's why this happened. That she just wasn't in the same mindset anymore. I told her i felt used, and instead of explaining or attempting to console she switched right back to "well maybe we should really just stop talking then." And then stopped talking to go to work. Seeing as she had a full work day, she wouldn't be out until around 10 pm (it was 12 at the time).


Eventually, i texted her i huge message.


I told her "i was done, that i didn't deserve this treatment and deserved better. That i had put up with all this longer than any reasonable man would. That she put me in a position to do all this to be nice to her and make her happy but not expect anything, hope or solace, in exchange. That she was manipulative of me. With her coldness i felt she never loved me, just the attention i could give her. Kept her ex-boyfriend around to help her through their own breakup. i deserved to be more than someone she would only ever give one word of consideration to, but instantly want comfort if she felt "emotional and sad." I told her she could reply. Or Not. i didn't care. At that point i'm sure i'll never talk to her again." i listed off every little thing she ever did to hurt me, every little thing i told her but sugar-coated. i let her have it. part of me regretted it, but most of me didn't. if anything, i hoped that she would at least text me back something. anything. just to prove she cared. to prove me wrong.


And since then, she has not once yet messaged me.


after this conversation, needless to say, i had a lot of questions. i don't really know. is she depressed? how can she just randomly flip a switch and not care so much about anything? can i really still hope at all now? i want to still talk to her, because it was once the highlight of my days, and i wanted to still be with her whenever i can, and make new memories. i wanted to spend thanksgiving and Christmas break with her like last year and help her remember again (it was only a few weeks ago we would text about cuddling under a blanket with cocoa, or make plans to visit Richmond together, or the beach on new years), or just to make her realize i can make her happy (as i know whenever we are together and i'm not harassing her about this, she is genuinely happy (even saying she wished i lived there- making me think it is just the distance). But now, i know that may not be true.


I feel, for once, i can go longer than i day and not text her, but will she text me back? Not now. not tomorrow. but eventually (i can only hope that over Christmas Break, when she has nothing but work and nothing she can do due to not being able to spend money, that it will be over then, if not thanksgiving break)


also, i often hear the one who does the breaking up in a breakup tends to regret it. will she? because it seems she went through all that (the month where there was a bit of hope for us). Maybe, instead, now without me always there as a safety net (someone she knew would ALWAYS be there) things will change? or no? because honestly, i may not know much, but compared to how i hear about most relationship, i was nearly the perfect boyfriend.


Basically, i just want to know if, in the end, she'll regret it and give me some closure. if one day she will be able to see me as something she regrets loosing.

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I think you are unsupportive, a friend in need is a friend in deed, which you aren't. She's having a hard time and you just drop her like a brick in the water. Instead of standing up for her, you think 'man, what a pain she is, she is having all these troubles and its bothering me, you know what i'll do, i'll break up with her. I am really seeing it was you who initiated the break up.


She needs to reduce her workload, and you need to increase your leniency. There are many hurdles in life, overcoming and solving those hurdles is important to make a relationship last a long term.

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Ok, see it like this. Your gf gets cancer, would you just walk out on her because she is dying? I mean a relationship is not all about you you know, you could goto the gym and get a lot of muscles, but your gf is still dying from cancer. From an empathic view you could have done things better i am saying. Put yourself in her shoes, think how hard time she has, and be supportive from that point of view.

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i didn't "drop her like a brick in the water." i listed mainly the fights we had and the lack of solace and closure. i listed my confusion and her increasing distance to the point she wouldn't even talk to me anymore. at all. you obviously have the wrong point of view about me. maybe its in the way i wrote this thread but that was not my intention.


i literally detailed how i waited and did my best for two whole months without answers, visiting her every other weekend, made plans for us, just trying to be there and take her mind off of things and help her to smile again. and then at the all i had done for her, i simply asked once more if there was hope for us, and she derided me for it. told me i was constantly pressuring her. so after all the angry responses she sent me i sent her one message about how i couldn't understand it. she had broken up with me two months by this time, but couldn't offer me any closure and would have had me wait and make her happy without any trace of love in it at all at that point.


maybe i forgot to translate something in the time i wrote this, but i know those who have been with me since the beginning, including mutual friends who know both sides of the story agree i am innocent of any ill intent in this part. that i would be the victim. i know they all hoped it would go away. some told me to move on. but all swear with me that i tried everything.


and i initiated the breakup? when i could feel her pulling away at the beginning of all this i asked her if something was wrong. i surprised her, visited her. tried to do anything and everything to make her happy. when she broke my heart and said she couldn't give me a reason and hung up, and wouldn't answer, like a surprise right hook you didn't see coming when everything else seemed perfect, she gave me no answer and dropped me. and still i was there for her.


you make it seem like i intentionally pushed her away. like if she did have cancer i'm the jock type to ignore it by visiting the gym. you are clearly not the kind of person this thread is intended for. it is apparent you did not come onto this site without your own private baggage and having been reading through some of your more recent posts now it seems you may rather just be seeking to increase your rating on this site.


in the end i didn't join this site to be derided again by someone who obviously doesn't know to read and respond properly and without antagonism


For the past 13 months we dated her happiness was more important than my own. When she cried i ran to find out what was wrong. When she needed a shoulder i was there. I always put forth my utmost and in the end she couldn't even give me an answer. Please, do not respond anymore. i am sad and heartbroken.


more than anything i have come to the understanding that despite my best efforts, the girl i loved did no love me back. and now i can't even ask if i can have hope for closure without some wannabe non-phd in deriding me based on false assumptions and his personal life involved as well


and i can send this without regret because with one little line of response to you i still received nothing but criticism

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You need to walk away and go no contact knowing that in the future you will be friends, or at least friendly. I am friendly with most of my exes (the long term ones at least) and at the time of the break up I never thought I would want to be their friend. You're young, this is your first love, you don't have the experience yet so you don't know that it will all be ok.


You're making yourself miserable by staying in contact with her. The longer you stay in contact with her the longer it will take for you to get over the relationship. I know, I've been you. You're going to have to get over it eventually, so why not start now? Just stop texting, emailing, calling, etc. with her. It's not forever, it's just so the two of you can take a moment to cool down.

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