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Someone remind me that this is a bad idea.


CF-35

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Well we've been officialy broken up for 3 months now and Im considering writing her a letter and just getting everything off my chest. I know I probably shouldnt but I'm tired of being the bigger person and walkig away gracefully. I thought that in doing this it would pay off in her second guessing or at least missing me to a certain extent but it hasnt happened. I want to tell her that our grass was pretty green before she decided to nuke it! I want to ask her why she had to burn our bridges with no concern that she might regret it someday. I want to know how she can look at our dog and not feel incredibly guilty for taking him away from me. I want to know how she can ignore my mother who treated her like her own daughter and with whom she had a great realtionship. Finally I want to know how she was able to replace me so quickly. All of these questions are burning a hole through my head and I know I probably wont even get an answer but at least it might affect her slightly and I'll have said what needed to be said. She was always a very avoidant and "weak" person so maybe she doesnt even know the answers to these questions but I want her to know that it's not ok and that the least I deserved was decency and respect.

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She did all that because she wanted to. Maybe she doesn't care? Maybe she wants to forget... Who knows, only she does... Maybe she doesn't even know.

 

All you can go by is her actions... Even if she answers you'll have more qs and then some more.

 

If she wanted to be with you, wanted things to work then she's reach out to you.

 

How old are you guys by the way?

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She did all that because she wanted to. Maybe she doesn't care? Maybe she wants to forget... Who knows, only she does... Maybe she doesn't even know.

 

All you can go by is her actions... Even if she answers you'll have more qs and then some more.

 

If she wanted to be with you, wanted things to work then she's reach out to you.

 

How old are you guys by the way?

 

We are 22 and 24

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I understand what you mean by wanting to get it all off your chest. There's actually a thread on here where you can post what you want to say instead of contacting your ex - use it!

 

What you describe above sounds like wanting to lay a real guilt trip on her. This is likely to ensure she never speaks to you again. The other thing is that if you've sent a letter, you don't know what will happen to it or who she will show it to - and after all this time, it's likely to make you look creepy and stalkerish. The worst case scenario is that she shows it to someone who, under other circumstances, you might have had a good relationship with - but will be completely put off because you have made yourself out to be creepy and vindictive. Sadly, this is the sort of thing which is likely to come back to bite you.

 

So get support from elsewhere, including on here, but DO NOT CONTACT HER!

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Please don't do it ~~ you'll regret it .

she is no longer of your concern, whatever she do now, thinks and act now after your relationship should not matter to you anymore.

Do yourself a favor, just continue to heal and walk away from her memories .

Let her go and let yourself loosen the grip of her memories to your life.

Easier said than done but if you will do this -- you will look back at it and know that you'll regret this and feel more low for doing this.. don't contact her . Take care

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Hi CF,

Write the letter but don't send. Do it for your own piece of mind. You're just reaching out in frustrations, anger, pain etc.

It'll not do any good.

 

She'll be thinking of you, of course & miss you , but that's done now. She owe's you nothing more, right? vice versa.

 

We'd ALL like some decency & respect- BUT they didn't and that's why things are the way they are.. correct?

 

Anyways.. YOU are having a 'moment', so let it ride and let it go. Continue NC (whatever you've got going there..)

We're all full of emotions after a break- I understand but don't bother with this, k

 

tc

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That's exactly how I feel. You summed up my situation exactly. I really feel like if I don't get answers, I will never get closure. But if I did ask him, his answers would be skewed because he got with someone else. And he has done so many terrible things things since leaving me, I couldn't trust his answers even if I did ask him. And so quickly too. CF I know exactly how you feel.

My question to everyone here is...is it possible to move on without closure? I don't want to keep bleeding. Is writing or e-mailing or even meeting them to ask really such a terrible idea? The thought of a lack of answers haunting me for years to come terrifies me...

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That's exactly how I feel. You summed up my situation exactly. I really feel like if I don't get answers, I will never get closure. But if I did ask him, his answers would be skewed because he got with someone else. And he has done so many terrible things things since leaving me, I couldn't trust his answers even if I did ask him. And so quickly too. CF I know exactly how you feel.

My question to everyone here is...is it possible to move on without closure? I don't want to keep bleeding. Is writing or e-mailing or even meeting them to ask really such a terrible idea? The thought of a lack of answers haunting me for years to come terrifies me...

 

Yes, it is possible. In fact the majority of people don't really get closure. You just sort of have to make your own. Easier said than done of course...

 

Writing to meet them is a terrible idea because what happens if they don't want to meet you? What happens if they say to leave them alone or if they say nothing at all?

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Thanks everyone, like SooSad23 said I was having a moment there, Im glad I came here before I did anything, I mentioned a letter but I was going to send an email and luckily I listened to you guys. What sort of set it off is my mother telling me how hurt she was that my ex ignored her, they were really close and it apparently really got to her. Im very protective of the women in my life especially my mother so that just set me off. I still don't get it thought...she could have at least had the decency to answer, I just don't get how someone can have so little regard for someone who's been a big part of their lives. Anyway maybe one day Ill figure out why but that day is not today. Thanks again everyone

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That's exactly how I feel. You summed up my situation exactly. I really feel like if I don't get answers, I will never get closure. But if I did ask him, his answers would be skewed because he got with someone else. And he has done so many terrible things things since leaving me, I couldn't trust his answers even if I did ask him. And so quickly too. CF I know exactly how you feel.

My question to everyone here is...is it possible to move on without closure? I don't want to keep bleeding. Is writing or e-mailing or even meeting them to ask really such a terrible idea? The thought of a lack of answers haunting me for years to come terrifies me...

 

Yes, it's an awful idea. And closure comes from within -- you rarely will ever get closure from another person. The search for "closure" is nothing more than a feeble attempt to try to get the ex to reconsider. They know this, which is why it doesn't work.

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I sent a closure letter and I feel better.

My ex replied in like 4-5 hours (after 5 months of straight up silence).

However, I really did it for me, and I didn't expect a reply...So ONLY do it if you're intendiing on letting them go.

 

 

Any contact with an ex usually brings a temporary *rush*...... followed by a backlash later on that makes you feel even worse.

 

"Closure" comes from you -- not from anything some ex says or does. As ShaneFalco pointed out above, these kind of gestures in the name of "closure" are really just transparent attempts at trying to change your ex's mind.... and unfortunately they come off as such to your ex.

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Any contact with an ex usually brings a temporary *rush*...... followed by a backlash later on that makes you feel even worse.

 

"Closure" comes from you -- not from anything some ex says or does. As ShaneFalco pointed out above, these kind of gestures in the name of "closure" are really just transparent attempts at trying to change your ex's mind.... and unfortunately they come off as such to your ex.

 

Exactly.

 

I sent my ex an email finally telling her off and what I've been wanting to tell her the whole time we remained in LC after the break up. The email chain started off ok, but quickly descended badly and I had enough. So I got some things off my chest that I wanted to tell her but held back when we had LC (it was kind of a closure letter) and it ended with her responding threatening a restraining order if I ever contact her again. LOL!

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Ok so we all agree that it's a horrible idea, the thing is I have a hard time relating to any stories that I've read... and trust me I've read a lot of them. I litteraly did everything by the book, didn't do much begging, kept my dignity, had a great last conversation where she cried and kissed me then I just bowed gracefully out of her life telling her thank you for 2 wonderful years , I hope you finds someone who makes you happy and I loved you dearly. I then proceeded to go strict NC, after a month or so I heard she was having a hard time and kept thinking about me, I decided to give her a call and she did not answer. She then texted me saying that being in contact wouldn't be a good idea and that we just needed to move on and I haven't heard anything since. I just feel like this isn't a common situation for people our age (22 and 24) where the relationship was good, there wasn't any abuse and yet the dumper wants nothing to do with the dumpee. I'd like to think that it's because she's still hurting and she knows this is the only way to get over it but who knows... I know being friends would have been out of the question but if she had asked at least it would have been my decision, i just feel really useless and unimportant. Then there's also the fact that she ignored my mother despite them practically having a daughter-mother relationship... None of it makes sense to me and I know I should stop trying to figure it out but if anyone of you wise people have any insight I'd truly appreciate hearing it. Thanks again

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She probably doesn't want to stay in contact because she doesn't want to lead you on and give you false hope about getting back together.

 

Then if she's so over me and convinced she made the right call why not at least have the decency to reply to my mom who did so much for her. Why not just send me a happy bday text wishing me well, it's not false hope it's called being decent and I feel like if you have no emotional attachment towards someone you should be able to do this.

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It's not appropriate for your mom to be reaching out to your ex girlfriend. Your mom needs to let it go.

 

It's not appropriate for your ex to send you a "happy birthday" text and get your hopes up that she was thinking of you and maybe reconsidering her decision. It's actually LESS decent of her to toy with your emotions and get your hopes up.... and when you've got more distance on the situation I think you'll come to see that.

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You didn't do things by the book. You went NC to try to get her to miss you -- not to move forward -- you called her up (which is breaking NC even if she didn't answer) and you tried to use your mom as a go-between. The last one is just manipulative -- never use or allow friends to try to get involved between the two of you. That's not cool. Your ex was right to not talk to your mother, as your mother shouldn't have been involved in the first place.

 

As for not saying "happy birthday", she's doing you a favor. If she did send that, you'd get filled with false hope and try to reconcile. She knows this, so she's not going to give you any sort of ammunition you can use. She's trying to help you move on in her way.

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You didn't do things by the book. You went NC to try to get her to miss you -- not to move forward -- you called her up (which is breaking NC even if she didn't answer) and you tried to use your mom as a go-between. The last one is just manipulative -- never use or allow friends to try to get involved between the two of you. That's not cool. Your ex was right to not talk to your mother, as your mother shouldn't have been involved in the first place.

 

As for not saying "happy birthday", she's doing you a favor. If she did send that, you'd get filled with false hope and try to reconcile. She knows this, so she's not going to give you any sort of ammunition you can use. She's trying to help you move on in her way.

I didn'T ask my mom to do this I was furious when I found out that she contacted her, she did it by herself because she knew that they got along well and she had heard from my ex's mother that she would miss my mom a lot.

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She's got you so far under her finger right now. Seriously, you need to get out, stop pushing her away by feeding her ego. Feed your own ego, get some confidence, again, blame it on her... See what happens.

 

EDIT: Also... You need to show her, (if you want her back), your strength as a man. Strength is the ability to be independent and live without her. You don't want your girl calling all of the shots. Be a man, stand up, be strong, and put her in her place. Do not feed her ego, against you, any more. Seriously.

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She's got you so far under her finger right now. Seriously, you need to get out, stop pushing her away by feeding her ego. Feed your own ego, get some confidence, again, blame it on her... See what happens.

 

EDIT: Also... You need to show her, (if you want her back), your strength as a man. Strength is the ability to be independent and live without her. You don't want your girl calling all of the shots. Be a man, stand up, be strong, and put her in her place. Do not feed her ego, against you, any more. Seriously.

Thanks for the advice but I havent contacted her in 2 months so I dont think im feeding her ego right now. Youre right about me needing to be stronger though. Ironically I come here a lot because I dont really talk to anyone about it IRL, i sorta have a tough guy facade thing going on.

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