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Need help in understanding why boyfriend of 5 years dumped me so callously!


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I am new to this forum but find it really does help me reading others experiences when I'm feeling all the usual feelings of betrayal, abandonment and utter despair. Would like some insight into my ex's behaviour. Here's some brief background, we were both each other first loves and met in university, he had decided to go in the navy aged 16 and as a result they were paying for his university education and he went in the navy in 2012 when he graduated. We are both now 23.

 

Over the past year we have seen each other very little but I was always willing to go through the distance because I loved him so much. I always supported his career choice. Three months ago he was deployed on a ship which finishes at Xmas but it was then that he began to act differently. His emails and phone calls became less and less, and very emotionless. When I confronted him about it, he just kept brushing me off and saying he loved me ect. But I knew something wasnt right. When he visited ports he still would hardly contact me.

 

So I suggested we go on a break to think about the relationship, which was a bluff just to see how he would react because I was worried he was too cowardly to end the relationship so was driving me to it. He begged me not to do this so after four days we made up and he was telling me to look for holidays over Xmas. But then two weeks later he rang me and ended the relationship, it was so cold and heartless.

 

He said he didnt want to go away at Xmas with me and it wasn't working, and he believed the only reason we were together was because we were first loves, he also tried to claim that us being apart due to the navy was only going to get worse, which was a pretty poor attempt at trying to act as though what he was doing was for my benefit.

 

I have stopped all contact with him, deleted him on facebook and its been a month but 2 weeks after the break up he contacted me via email saying he wanted to stay in contact which I ignored. I still keep thinking about him all the time and wondering why he would beg me not to end the relationship and ask me to go on holiday with him over Xmas only to end it two weeks later and then contact me asking me to stay in contact.

 

How can someone just suddenly stop loving you? I don't know what to think, and keep analysing it which is hindering my healing. Any insight into why you think he did this would be really appreciated.

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Yes sadly people can fall out of love with someone even if you have not done anything to make them.

 

You had been together since your teens.

My conclusion is he finally decided the World has more to offer and he could not experience what the World offered him while he was in a relationship.

While he was away watching his single friends having fun he may have wanted to be a part of it.

He may feel like he is missing out on a big part of his life he should be living.

Feels sad watching his friends having fun.

This is where he most likely started falling out of love with you.

 

Your ex most likely broke up with you later because he was ready.

He was not ready to be dumped then.

 

He has made his choice.

 

Stick to your plan to heal.

It's going to be a while but you can do it.

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This heartbreak is the worse thing I have ever been through. I was 110% committed to him, I loved him more than anything, and I do believe that your right In the dark, but thinking about him going out drinking and sleeping around, with all his navy mates kills me. But I guess that's part of the healing process. I feel like I don't even know him anymore, but either way it doesn't matter. He doesn't love me anymore.

 

I can't help but harbour some hope that when he realises the grass isn't always greener he will come back but I would never take him back after this anyway, but I feel it would make me feel better. I know that thought is counter productive to moving on but he was my life, the sad thing is when I look back over the 5 years I don't think he ever was truly in love with me. There were many signs I chose to ignore because I was blinded by my love for him.

 

Right now my biggest worry is finding my motivation, I have lost my drive do anything. I need to find myself again, but it's an upward struggle.

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This feeling that you hardly know him is probably because he is changing. Lots of people go through big changes at your age and going into the military definitely changes people. He's not the same guy you've been with for years.

 

Give yourself some time to find yourself and heal. I think you'll come out of this stronger than before.

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Heart break is a very painful experience.

Seems to be even worse when you never did a thing to make them leave you.

I can very much empathize with the painful thoughts you are having right now.

I was in a situation once upon a time much like yours.

Feeling helpless far away yet having feelings they are having the time of their lives without us and with another.

 

You are absolutely right, you do not know him anymore.

The person who your ex now is like a stranger who looks identical to who you were with.

 

Yes you are going to be having feelings of waiting around for him to somehow regret and contact you.

But you are right, to doing your best to never take him back after what happened.

I know it is hard to do.

 

Like fighting with yourself.

 

We often do not see the signs we should be aware of when in love.

Sometimes I believe we do but we choose to ignore them because all we want is to be happy in the relationship.

It's like walking in a fog.

We just can not see what is right in front of us.

 

Take comfort in the family and friends who understand and care.

Find support where ever you can.

Right now I know if feels like this hurt is never going to end.

Like the memories and thoughts are going to torture you forever.

This is all a lie.

 

Each day will be a struggle, some days harder to cope with than others.

 

Take comfort in who supports you when you need it.

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Awwwe, wow. My heart hurts for you. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I do think it's the best advice that I heard when I went through something similar 2 years ago. Let him go. He decided that he wanted out, so let him live his life as he sees fit. And you live your life as if you will never see him again.

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