My Mother Hates My Girlfriend... I don't care but my girlfriend does.

[annie24]

I think your gf has a right to be upset. She is your partner, you need to be on her side. If you can't stand up to your mom, then you're a momma's boy.

[MyNinja]

I think it's more than obvious that she's much more invested into the relationship emotionally than you are. Your attitude about the whole thing is just cold and passive-aggressive. I also think it's more than obvious that you two are just not compatible, like night and day. If you aren't seeking marriage and she is.....why are you together???? It makes no sense. You don't care to be around her friends and family and aren't interested in her being in yours.....what's the point of this relationship????

[pinkelephant]

Do you have aspergers by any chance?

[Stay_home]

Cliff,

 

I think you really need to take another look at this situation while you still can. Your girlfriend has a right to be upset. Right now she's in a relationship with a man who will not stand up for her. According to your story, your parents banned for no particular reason and you seem not to care. Well you ought to, because she is your girlfriend and it should matter to you why she is not welcome somewhere (especially your parents home). I'm sure your girlfriend is hurt by that and more or less because you have not sought the reasoning for this. This is a really huge red flag my friend and chances are if you don't correct your attitude you are going to lose your girlfriend.

[Mesemene]

I can't decide if you're really this socially inept, deliberately avoiding the real issue, or just thick.

 

Seriously. This isn't a casual friend that's made a bad impression by doing something, like coming over drunk or insulting your parents. This is the person you are serious enough about to live with as a couple.

 

And she is, RIGHTLY, seeing this as a complete lack of support from you.

 

Have you considered what could lie in the future if you stay with her? What if you decide to get married? Are you going to allow your parents to dictate that you're separated during holidays, that the potential mother of your children is banned from acceptance for NO REASON?

 

Frankly? I'd have dropped you on your pointy head by now. You're basically telling her by your actions that she is not important to you, and what your family thinks of her doesn't matter.

 

aka - she DOESN'T MATTER enough for you to make her feel welcome, or to make a stand for her that it's important for your family to accept her, if not like her.

 

No wonder she's upset.

[lady00]

I am honestly shocked that you cannot see the other side of this. I think that you should find a girlfriend with whom you're compatible. Most people in relationships do eventually get involved with the other person's family. My brothers both have girlfriends and my parents and I find them wonderful. We spend a lot of time with them. I can't imagine it being any other way and I know my brothers would be upset if one of my parents just randomly irrationally decided they didn't like one of their girlfriends and refused to let them in the house. I want to be very clear about something: not liking someone and banning them from your home are two totally different things. And it's not just "someone" who doesn't like your girlfriend, it's her boyfriend's mother! And it's not just not liking, it's banishment. My parents have not loved every girlfriend that one of my brothers has had but guess what? Every single girlfriend he has ever had, even the ones that my parents were not terribly fond of, were more than welcome in my parent's home because my brother feeling comfortable having his girlfriend over was more important to my parents than a feeling of not liking the girlfriend that much. I think that your view of relationships is really unusual and you need to find someone who feels the same way. Your girlfriend isn't being childish.

 

Separately - it's cruel to say that her childishness a reason why you won't go beyond gf/bf status. First of all, she is not being childish. Second, that's not the reason you won't marry her so it's just cruel to waive that around as if it is. There's nothing wrong with her being upset over this and using that against her in a fight as a reason why you won't commit to her beyond bf/gf is just not right.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your gf exits stage left. And I think that that would be best for both of you. Find someone that either your parents both like or that doesn't care if one of your parents dislikes her for no reason and also bans her from their home.

[lady00]

I also want to add that not being bothered by your mother's dislike of your girlfriend for no reason is highly unusual, which is why no one here can relate to that. If I were in love with a man and my mother (with whom I am very very close) banned him from being in her home for no reason, I would be incredibly upset and it would cause a rift in my relationship with my mother. I guarantee that for the vast majority of people they would feel the same way. For the minority that don't, I honestly cannot relate at all. And I don't think most people can relate to that. Which is why you're getting the responses you're getting here.

[Kendahke]

Cliff...

 

What are you telling this woman that encourages her to continue on in a relationship with you given the circumstances you've laid out in your posts here? You don't want marriage to her--why is she under the impression that that is the end goal of her dealing with you?

 

Seems to me that if you were telling her what you've said to us about her, she'd be long gone, unless she has zero self esteem/self worth. Especially being in her 40's, one would imaging that she would not be wasting precious time with someone who refuses to declare for her. So, I have to ask: are you telling her what you're spelling out here, or are you thinking she should catch a clue without you saying anything?

 

If no one has told you yet, let me tell you: you are being emotionally cruel to this woman by allowing her to believe that you're invested in being a couple with her only so far--and when it comes to publicly declaring for her, because of two failed marriages in the past, you're not going to do that for her. You'll take sex from her, but you won't offer up your solidarity to her and you allow it to shrivel up in the face of your overbearing mother. I mean, I can understand you mother not wanting you to bring potential wife #3 into her presence until you've proven to her that you've learned something from two failed marriages because she doesn't want to become emotionally attached to someone who you do not have the discipline to work through your marital issues with. Some people are old school like that. My mother is that way with my brother with his two failed marriages. But really, if you're helping yourself to her sex, you owe it to your girlfriend to find out from your mother what her exact problem is and to have her back when your mom starts talking trash about her not being allowed to come with you. Otherwise, you're using her for your own gratification and that is not fair.

 

It's beyond childish for a man your age to put into black and white "I dont' start fights. She does". No, you instigate the fights by pushing your girlfriend beyond her endurance on this subject and then turn around and play the passive/aggressive game with her by saying "It didn't come up. We were talking politics and what am I supposed to do, just interrupt and say 'Oh by the way, my girlfriend wants to know when she can come over?'" A grown man would TELL his mother "Sweetie baby is coming with me to visit you next time and I'm not going to hear one word against it. If you don't like it, then I'm going to stop coming over to visit unless she is welcomed to come, too." That's what a grown man does. You might want to start acting like one.

[lerenard]

If she was here asking for an advice regarding this - I would tell her to break up with you and find a man who will stand up to his mother if needed, who will count his woman as his family and wouldn't be OK with the fact that his mother hates his choice. For a man in his 40s your behavior is a bit childish, not your girlfriends. If your life is about pleasing your mom and staying away from any conflicts - you should find a woman that fits that way of living. I would never be able to build a family where members express such hate.

[Cliff Barnsby]

My mother doesn't like her, plain and simple. I can't change that.

 

I will not stop seeing my parents. I will not choose between my girlfriend and my mother.

 

We are not getting married; my girlfriend knows this.

 

We are not having kids. Neither of us want them and we're too old for them.

[annie24]

I think your gf needs a new bf!

[lady00]

I think your gf needs a new bf!

 

Unfortunately, I agree. You have a "my way or the highway" attitude toward this even though there isn't anything in the least bit unreasonable about what she is asking for. If I were you I would do her a favor and stop the arguing by simply leaving her. You both deserve people with whom you are compatible who view relationships the same way you each do - I think there's a fundamental incompatibility here and unless one of you changes your mind, the fights will continue. In my opinion, she's not in the wrong here. But I'm not her and my opinion doesn't really matter at the end of the day. It's up to you what you decide to do. Either take a stand and stand up to your mother (which you won't do), continue fighting with your girlfriend (seems silly to me, but it's up to you) or break up with her. But don't assume that you'll find someone who would put up with this. Instead, aim to find someone that your parents both like - that way you won't be arguing, at least not over this.

[bulletproof]

 

I will not choose between my girlfriend and my mother.

 

But actually, you will be choosing, when your gf leaves you because of this. That basically means you have chosen your mother.

 

I am not sure that will be a satisfying choice for you long-term, emotionally speaking.

 

And actually, your gf is not saying you need to choose. She is still willing to go over there with you, although god knows why. I certainly wouldn't want to go somewhere I wasn't wanted. But she is willing, for whatever reason.

 

If you were willing to speak with your mother and find out how this could be fixed, then you wouldn't have to choose. You seem to be an extremely passive person.

[Kendahke]

My mother doesn't like her, plain and simple. I can't change that.

 

I will not stop seeing my parents. I will not choose between my girlfriend and my mother.

 

We are not getting married; my girlfriend knows this.

 

We are not having kids. Neither of us want them and we're too old for them.

 

Then you need to cut this chick loose. Quit being so selfish. She needs to find a man who still isn't on his mom's teat.

[tiredofsecrets]

Cliff-

 

Did your mother not care much for wife #1 or wife# 2?

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you have to choose between your wife and mother, but there must be a better compromise to this situation. Or you won't have to choose because your girlfriend will choose for you.

 

I feel so sorry for your girlfriend. She just wants to share her life with you. She wants the same in return. If you're not going to do anything put stand with your arms crossed and fight to be right, let her go. This woman deserves so much better.

 

I think you know you're not stepping up to the plate here... "manning up", if you will, or else you wouldn't have posted here. So you do seem to want some kind of help-you just don't like what others have to say.

[Tanzi]

She's my girlfriend and I love her. I enjoy being with her and doing things with HER. I don't need to be part of her family or meet her friends. They are HER family and HER friends, not mine. I don't need to spend time with them. I tell her the same thing about my family and friends. They are MY family, not hers. She doesn't need to have anything to do with them. My son likes her and she likes him so they will talk and he will come over and hang out. My cousins like her too and have no problem chatting with her. But beyond that, I am not dating her family or friends. I don't need them.

 

You seem to lack a basic understanding of how relationships work. She is your girlfriend and you are excluding her from major parts of your life and refusing to get involved with hers. Either you are one of the coldest human beings that has ever walked this earth or you really don't want a future with this woman ... hence why you don't want to involve her in your life any more than you have to. She is your partner ... you live together yet you choose NOT to spend Thanksgiving with her. This isn't a serious relationship. Quit wasting her time.

 

Sounds like you're a pretty selfish little man...and you have a pretty incredible woman, if she's willing to tolerate all this.

 

Agreed. Very selfish indeed.

 

I can't decide if you're really this socially inept, deliberately avoiding the real issue, or just thick..

 

Me either. I am confused by his lack of just about everything ... understanding, empathy, compassion, loyalty ... and balls!

 

My mother doesn't like her, plain and simple. I can't change that.

 

I will not stop seeing my parents. I will not choose between my girlfriend and my mother.

 

 

You can't change whether your mother likes her not, no, but given that she has no reason to dislike your gf or for her to ban her from the house it is evident that your mother is as ridiculously immature as you are. Your gf isn't asking for you to choose, she is trying to find out why your mother dislikes her so. I mean, honestly, what has she done to offend your mother? And why WOULDN'T your gf be offended?

 

Any man worth his weight would stand up for the woman with whom he shares a house, a bed and a life with ... but you won't will you, because you really, really don't get it do you?

 

Why your gf stays with someone who as the emotional maturity of a teenager is beyond me. She needs a real man.

[jenbrooks]

I am sad reading this post. In a way my situation is similar, my bf's mother uses threats to stop us from being together. He wants to make both people happy and does not cause conflicts, so he is hiding our relationship instead, making it really difficult for us

 

We are not spending time together on ThanksGiving, Christmas, etc. It hurts a lot. I am going to be lonely while he goes an spends all this time with his family. I wish my boyfriend would just stand up and tell his family that we are back together and that's how this is going to be whether you like it or not. I wish he would do this for me.

 

Please let her go, she's staying because she's emotionally caught up, give her some time away from you and LET HER GO!!

[lady00]

I am sad reading this post. In a way my situation is similar, my bf's mother uses threats to stop us from being together. He wants to make both people happy and does not cause conflicts, so he is hiding our relationship instead, making it really difficult for us

 

We are not spending time together on ThanksGiving, Christmas, etc. It hurts a lot. I am going to be lonely while he goes an spends all this time with his family. I wish my boyfriend would just stand up and tell his family that we are back together and that's how this is going to be whether you like it or not. I wish he would do this for me.

 

Please let her go, she's staying because she's emotionally caught up, give her some time away from you and LET HER GO!!

 

I think these types of situations are unsustainable. I have three friends who were in similar situations (both due to prejudice - not saying that is the case here). All three couples got married are are still married. In two cases, the guy's parents eventually got with the program and realized that the woman wasn't going anywhere and if they were going to be in the lives of their sons (and eventual grandchildren) they needed to wake up and be nice and welcoming. In the third case, sadly the parents never came around. And they have beautiful grandchildren that they won't be seeing until they do. It breaks my heart to see situations like this.

 

At least in the case of OP there is no possibility of marriage/kids which would complicate things terribly. Perhaps OP's situation is sustainable if his gf changes her mind and decides to stop bringing it up. I just feel like there is little chance of that happening. I think the best solution is to end things. You're not on the same page. As one of the other posters on ENA says from time to time, you're not on the same page, not in the same book. You obviously have reasons for being together, but this is a major sticking point and it isn't going to change so why draw this out?

[lerenard]

"I will not choose between my girlfriend and my mother." - you already did that.

"I enjoy being with her and doing things with HER. I don't need to be part of her family or meet her friends. They are HER family and HER friends, not mine. I don't need to spend time with them." - that's your choice. you chose not to care about her family and her friends, and just spend time with her and completely separate your relationship with her from other chapters of your life. SHE on the other hand has no choice, and because you feel like its OK not to socialize with her family and friends that are just as important for her as you are, doesn't mean she must feel the same way. and she doesn't. she want to be a part of your whole life not just your GF, you are adults not high school sweethearts that kiss after classes and then go back to their parents houses.

It feels like you have some kind of dependence from the views of your mother, and you refuse to break free from that, because you never did and it feels like a lot of fuss, which I can see you like to avoid.

I would agree with most, please let her go, she deserves to be important for somebody out there, and she deserves holidays with her significant other and she deserves a loving, caring mother in law.

If she would be OK with the hate, it would be fine, she is your GF, not your mothers, but she isn't OK with the hate, and your mother is acting immature. And you do too.

[Tanzi]

Couldn't agree more. The mentality here is that of someone who hasn't emotionally grown and who doesn't understand how the "adult" world works. There is absolutely no emotion here at all as regards his gf's family or friends and he doesn't care a jot that his mother doesn't like her. When you love someone, you naturally take an interest in their life and want to be involved and be a part of their whole life. You would also feel protective towards them should anyone say/think anything bad about them.

 

There is none of that here. He is emotionally barren. ... but the worst thing is he just doesn't see what a cold, cold heart he has or what a cold, cold heart his mother has. I really do wonder how the mother felt about Wife #1 and Wife #2 and what made those marriages come to an end.

 

He and his mother have dysfunctional hearts and this won't ever be resolved. Not just with his current gf but with subsequent gf's. It is odd that he prefers to jump to his mother's controlling tune rather than build a happy "grown up" life with someone he loves. He will end up a lonely man because none of his relationships will be able to survive his lack of empathy, compassion, understanding and loyalty. The sad thing is, all the while he can still go to mummy for Thanksgiving and Christmas etc, he doesn't seem to care.

[Unreasonable]

Sounds like mommy wants to break you up. And it's working. I keep having to remind myself as this thread progresses that you are in your FOURTIES. Good god, man!

 

If my parents tried this crap against my wife, I'd ban them from me, my house and their grandbabies until they decided to stopped being a-holes. They wouldn't DARE. (BTW, my Dad HATED my wife at the beginning, but he would not dream of doing something like this).

 

It's one thing to not like your girlfriend. It's quite another to treat her like dirt, something not worthy to be in their house, and that is EXACTLY what they're doing. Your parents are truly awful people and I fear the apple hasn't fallen all that far from the tree. I'm afraid your relationship is doomed if you don't catch a clue.

 

Good luck with Girlfriend #2, #3, #4, etc. You're gonna need it.

[Cliff Barnsby]

So, I asked my mother why she didn't want my girlfriend to come around. She said, "You two have enough problems. I don't want those problems brought around here."

 

So I will continue to visit my parents alone and my girlfriend needs to accept that.

[bulletproof]

So, I asked my mother why she didn't want my girlfriend to come around. She said, "You two have enough problems. I don't want those problems brought around here."

 

So I will continue to visit my parents alone and my girlfriend needs to accept that.

 

Well, your gf needs to accept that if she wants to stay with you. But my guess is that eventually it will wear on her and she will leave.

 

Also, is there any truth to what your mother says? Do the two of you have a lot of problems?

[Cliff Barnsby]

I have problems with my girlfriend not letting things go.

 

As far as my mother knows, we've had 2 significant fights. One 2 years ago because I did not want to spend time with her family at Christmas, and another last week over the subject of this thread.

 

My girlfriend is now taking offense that she is now banished because of things that have nothing to do with my mother and did not take place on my mother's property, when originally she was banished for simply showing up (apparently too much in my mother's opinion), and that she says I'm not doing anything to penalize my mother for her "stupid rule". My girlfriend says my mother's excuse is "bull". Why? Because (according to my girlfriend) if I hadn't called my mother in the middle of our last argument to ask if I could bring some of my stuff to her place for safe keeping, she would only have known about the one argument 2 years ago. So as she says, my mother's current excuse wouldn't work.

 

I have told my girlfriend that I will not discuss this matter with her again.

[Tanzi]

So, I asked my mother why she didn't want my girlfriend to come around. She said, "You two have enough problems. I don't want those problems brought around here."

 

So I will continue to visit my parents alone and my girlfriend needs to accept that.

 

I take it now that you've asked the question you feel your job is done. You didn't want her to elaborate or to explain why she doesn't actually like your gf or why she wants to put you in an awkward position by banning her from the house. No, of course not.

 

So, you will continue to visit your parents alone and your gf needs to accept that because you lack the "care" gene or the "passion" gene. You have a lacklustre approach to life.

 

 

 

As far as my mother knows, we've had 2 significant fights. One 2 years ago because I did not want to spend time with her family at Christmas, and another last week over the subject of this thread.

 

Which both relate to the problem in hand. So up until last week it was 1 fight that your mother knew about .... in two years. That pretty much makes your mother's excuse bull. As I said your mother is as immature as you are. You and your gf aren't a real couple and your gf knows this. I doubt you will ever be really emotionally available to anyone because you lack the basic understanding of what being in a relationship really means.

 

The reason your gf has trouble letting things go (which I guess all relate to THIS problem) is because the man who is supposed to love her lets her get disrespected and he does NOTHING about it.

 

I also gather that NONE of the advice or opinions you have been given on this thread has made any impression at all. You are emotionally empty.