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My Mother Hates My Girlfriend... I don't care but my girlfriend does.


Cliff Barnsby

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 4 years. We are in our 40s and currently live together.

 

Early in our relationship my mother suddenly decided she didn't want my girlfriend coming to her house any more (at my invitation) and banned her from stepping foot on the property. She never gave a reason why, and only said something to the effect of, "Every time I see you, I see her, too." Basically, I get the impression my girlfriend wore out her welcome. At the time, we weren't living together so I would simply visit my parents when my girlfriend wasn't around.

 

My girlfriend and I now live together. And now for some reason, my girlfriend has a problem with me going over to visit without her. I tell my girl, "It's my time" but she insists that I should stand up to my parents and be allowed to accompany me when I visit. I keep telling her that it's their house and their decision and she has to respect that. She says they have to respect the fact that we're a couple and that while they don't have to like her, they should at least be respectful and courteous and allow her to come with me on visits. She says they should not be the ones to decide if she accompanies me on a visit or not.

 

I personally think she can't stand the fact that someone doesn't like her and wants me to force them to like her. She says she doesn't care if they don't like her, but they are disrespecting me by banning her and disrespecting her by banning her from the property. I don't see it that way. I don't care if my parents don't like her and I don't see it as disrespectful to me. I don't see why I should have to do anything. She just needs to accept this is how it is.

 

I ask her why she wants to go where someone hates her. She says it's a matter of principle that I won't stand up for her. She says my "not caring" about this or even trying to do anything about this is disrespectful to her and we've had some big fights about it lately. The last big one was when I told her I would be going to see my parents on Thanksgiving and it would be without her. She tells me I was "rubbing it in." I told her, no I was just giving her advance warning and stating a fact.

 

I think my girlfriend is being childish about this whole thing and she just needs to stop bugging me about it and accept that she will never be welcome at my parents. I'm getting tired of the drama.

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Aren't you even remotely bothered by the fact that your mother banned her from the home and has not given you a specific reason?

 

I think that technically, you are correct: it's their home and they are allowed to ban people from coming over. Your girlfriend should not show up in their home if she isn't welcome.

But your apathy toward the situation is strange. I wonder if that's really what bothers your girlfriend?

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I ask her why she wants to go where someone hates her. She says it's a matter of principle that I won't stand up for her. She says my "not caring" about this or even trying to do anything about this is disrespectful to her and we've had some big fights about it lately.

 

She's right.

 

The last big one was when I told her I would be going to see my parents on Thanksgiving and it would be without her. She tells me I was "rubbing it in." I told her, no I was just giving her advance warning and stating a fact.

 

And you have no idea why she would find this upsetting?

 

You aren't standing up for her AT ALL! Why can't you tell your parents, "This feud needs to end now. You know that my girlfriend and I are serious. Banning her is rude and I won't stand for it anymore. She is coming with me to Thanksgiving dinner or I won't be there."

 

By NOT saying that you are complicit in her exclusion. You are tacitly saying that it's okay for them to ban your longtime girlfriend and treat her with disrespect.

 

I think my girlfriend is being childish about this whole thing and she just needs to stop bugging me about it and accept that she will never be welcome at my parents. I'm getting tired of the drama.

 

I'm sure your girlfriend feels the same way! Out of the blue her boyfriend's parents hate her and he won't try to reason with them. What's so ironic is you don't see how you're a PLAYER IN THE DRAMA!

 

By doing nothing you allow it to continue. You are the only one with leverage that can resolve the situation.. Your girlfriend has been patient with you but many other girls would have dumped you a long time ago!

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bulletproof: No, I'm not bothered by my mother not having a reason. It's her house, she can do what she wants. I can't change that.

 

faraday: She is going to be with her family for Thanksgiving. I'm invited, but they are her family, not mine. I don't care if I see them or not so I don't see why she has a problem with me going without her.

 

Iggles: It doesn't bother me that they don't want her there so why should it bother her? It's my parent's house and they can say and do what they want. I don't see why she would want to go where she's not welcome.

 

I don't start the fights. She does. Every time I visit, she asks if I talked to them about her coming over and I tell her "It didn't come up". Her response is always, "Well it won't unless YOU bring it up." I tell her that if we're talking about politics or the family or whatever that what am I supposed to do, just interrupt and say, "Oh, by the way, my girlfriend wants to know when she can come over"?

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You either make your family with your girlfriend and your family accepts this,, or you make your family with your family and say bye-bye to your girlfriend - because SHE will not put up with this, not in this day and age. She will find a man who will spend thanksgiving with her come hell or high water.

 

If your family wants to see you on thanksgiving, then it is with your girlfriend or it is not at all. You need to understand this.

 

Your mom can do whatever she wants with her house, and you can do whatever you want with your feet. By going home, you support her decision.

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No, I'm not bothered by my mother not having a reason. It's her house, she can do what she wants. I can't change that.

 

She is going to be with her family for Thanksgiving. I'm invited, but they are her family, not mine. I don't care if I see them or not so I don't see why she has a problem with me going without her.

 

It's clear she is more emotionally attached to you than you are to her. After four years and living together most people would consider you two a social unit. Pre-engaged, if you will. Would you invite one spouse to an event and forbid the other?

 

You see her as just a girl you're with. No ties to each others families and don't care about hers or her relationship with yours. That attitude doesn't work for marriage. Does she know you think so little of her? As in, you don't see you two as a serious couple yet?

 

I ask because with serious couples that are headed towards marriage this kind of thinking does not work.

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No, I'm not bothered by my mother not having a reason. It's her house, she can do what she wants. I can't change that.

 

She is going to be with her family for Thanksgiving. I'm invited, but they are her family, not mine. I don't care if I see them or not so I don't see why she has a problem with me going without her.

 

Again, technically you are correct regarding it being your mother's home and what her rights are regarding that home.

 

However, on an emotional level, why are you comfortable keeping your worlds separate, upsetting your girlfriend, and having your mother behave seemingly irrationally?

 

I personally feel that part of a relationship does mean including family if you wish to do so. Sounds like you don't really care to do that, both with your family and your girlfriend's. But she does. So if I was your gf, I would probably go find someone who views relationships similarly. Would you mind losing her because of this?

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I don't start the fights. She does. Every time I visit, she asks if I talked to them about her coming over and I tell her "It didn't come up". Her response is always, "Well it won't unless YOU bring it up." I tell her that if we're talking about politics or the family or whatever that what am I supposed to do, just interrupt and say, "Oh, by the way, my girlfriend wants to know when she can come over"?

 

Congratulations, Mr. Passive-Aggressive. None of this is your fault!

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We are not getting married. The two biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life were Wife#1 and Wife #2. She knows this even though I think she'd like to get married one day. It won't be to me.

 

I told her in the last fight we had that these childish arguments are one of the reasons this relationship will never go past "Boyfriend and Girlfriend".

 

She keeps bringing up this "social couple" stuff saying it isn't right for them to separate us. It doesn't bother me if I see my family without her. I told her to think of it as "my time" just like when I go out to dinner with my cousin every Sunday night. And that's something we've done since before I ever met her. It's MY time. Guy time. She has no problem with me going to dinner with my cousin so why should this be any different?

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What is it you people fail to understand? It is my parent's house. If they don't want her to come over, the discussion is over. You people are as bad as my girlfriend. You don't know when to let it go.

 

You are correct. It is your parents choice

 

However she has the right to know WHY she is banned from their house.

 

Also if my parents didn't want my husband in their house I'd want a very good reason or I wouldn't go round without him.

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She's my girlfriend and I love her. I enjoy being with her and doing things with HER. I don't need to be part of her family or meet her friends. They are HER family and HER friends, not mine. I don't need to spend time with them. I tell her the same thing about my family and friends. They are MY family, not hers. She doesn't need to have anything to do with them. My son likes her and she likes him so they will talk and he will come over and hang out. My cousins like her too and have no problem chatting with her. But beyond that, I am not dating her family or friends. I don't need them.

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Sounds like you're a pretty selfish little man...and you have a pretty incredible woman, if she's willing to tolerate all this.

 

It makes me sad to think how many wonderful people are stuck in relationships like this, while so many more of us are single and ready to give them the relationships they seek.

 

You don't love her. This thing you give to her, it's not love.

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This IS bound to cause a rift between you two soon enough. Not only is it a thing about YOUR parents but now her's are thrown in there too?

Usually, within a relationship, there should be NO problem going to either parents place, to visit.

With my ex's we'd freely go from place to place thru holidays & events. NOT get picked on and denied access.. wow.

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By looks of it... It's all like 'hers hers' and 'yours yours'. What about 'OURS"?

Our friends.. Our families. YOU are 'Singling' things out... which doesn't make sense or seem right at all.

 

As for 'Your' family.. Maybe, if you picked up a little slack, it may be better IF it became 'Your families' (being you & her's)?

Really.. You don't NEED her family too? Is this NOT a "part' of any relationship? Taking all?

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if you're getting tired of the drama, then when then lease is up, move out on your own and break up with her. Find someone with whom your parents can get along.

 

I dont' think that not dealing with your parents, period, is the answer unless you're at a place where you will not deal with your parents any longer. Blatantly bringing her over when they've been clear that she is not welcomed is not the answer, either. Shoving your girlfriend down their throats is not "the principle"--it's a power struggle that she is not going to win with them.

 

They most certainly are the ones who can decide who is welcomed in their own home. I dont' know what she's smoking where she thinks she can go sauntering up in their house just because she's your girlfriend. Be different if she was your wife, but she's not. And frankly by her attitude, that's one title IIWU, I would not give her.

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If I were her I would get out of this relationship. I think your attitude is very cold...and it sounds to me like you learned this coldness from your parents. The two of you are not on the same page. Shunning, which is what your parents are doing, is very disgraceful behaviour...and you are complicit in this type of passive aggressive bullying behaviour.

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We are not getting married. The two biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life were Wife#1 and Wife #2. She knows this even though I think she'd like to get married one day. It won't be to me.

 

What a mess! She thinks she is special to you. That she isn't like the others. That you two actually have a future, when you don't.

 

She keeps bringing up this "social couple" stuff saying it isn't right for them to separate us. It doesn't bother me if I see my family without her.

 

Because she thinks you're serious and headed towards marriage. Have you told her in no uncertain terms that you have no intentions of ever marrying her??

 

Sounds like you're a pretty selfish little man...and you have a pretty incredible woman, if she's willing to tolerate all this.

 

It makes me sad to think how many wonderful people are stuck in relationships like this, while so many more of us are single and ready to give them the relationships they seek.

 

You don't love her. This thing you give to her, it's not love.

 

Yes, yes, and YES.

 

OP, I would advise you to be straight with your girlfriend. You don't care at all how your parents treat her because she's just a convenience to you and you have no plans to ever marry her. However, that would mean the steady stream of regular sex and free housekeeping would end, so instead you'll probably string her along for a few more years until she gets fed up and finally leaves you. Then you'll pick up the next naive woman and start the cycle all over again..

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She knows this even though I think she'd like to get married one day. It won't be to me.

 

If you think that, then don't you feel it's kind of cruel to stay with her?

 

Overall, you are compartmentalizing your life, which some would say is not the healthiest way to live. But it is your life. I hope that your girlfriend finds the self-esteem necessary to go out and find what she wants, or even better, you let her go so that she is forced to do that.

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