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Ex is hostile towards everything seeing the kid


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its still true, ive seen many people of parental allienation, person doing the alieaniting will end up being hated..


Here is who you can't control: your ex

Here is who you can control: you


Do you want to BE right and have a VERY negative impact on your daughter's childhood until the one day she maybe happens to come looking for you, or do you want to do the RIGHT THING and fight to be in your daughter's life any way you can? And even if in 15 years your daughter turned on her mom, she will STILL suffer along the way, not having you in her life until then. And she will still hurt, even if her mom ends up being super crazy, clear as day to her, that will be the woman who birthed and raised her and she will love and be attached to her mom, no matter what. It will still tear your daughter up inside to have strife with either of her parents. YOU are supposed to do what YOU can do to prevent her suffering.


Don't just say "oh well, it's her mom's fault" - because the problem is, no matter whose fault, your daughter suffers. If you TRULY want the best for your daughter - days off and legal fees and frustration be damned - you wont care whose fault it is, you'll ONLY care that your daughter suffers, and you will do everything YOU can do to avoid it, or at least soften the blow.


If your tactic is banking on waiting until your daughter grows up and makes up her mind for herself, then you're using her and her situation to YOUR advantage. So you can be right, feel smug, get what you want in the end with the least pain for YOU until then. But until that happens(if it happens)? It's YOUR LITTLE GIRL who suffers the ramifications, more than you or your ex can understand. You say "the person doing the alienating will be hated" - do you REALLY want that for your child? To hate her mother? Why would you want her to feel that way towards her mom? WHY does that seem like your ultimate goal? You should want SO MUCH BETTER for her than that.

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You know, you are doing what my mother used to call cutting off your nose to spite your face.


you talk about how much you want to be in your daughter's life, but then you stubbornly say if you can't have her exactly the way you want her, you won't have her at all. And the truth is you can see her a lot more than a few hours a week as most custody situations these days once the child is past infancy is every other weekend and one evening a week and alternate holidays and extended periods in summer. So that is a lot more than 'just a few hours.'


I think you need to be honest with yourself and the world. You don't really want to parent this child, and are still really pissed off that the mother dumped you and refuses to be with you as a partner. If you really wanted your child, as your child and not as a 'package deal' that also included being in a relationship with the mother', you'd do everything you can to spend any time you can with your child, regardless of what it cost you.


So just start by being honest with yourself, that you are no longer into this at all since the mother is not part of the package anymore. I remember your threads a long time ago about that, that you really only wanted this child if you got the mother too.


So if that is really your decision, then be honest and go about your business. But also be aware that most people can see thru the 'i'm doing this for my daughter' routine because you're just not. You're doing it because it is the easiest path for you. And just be aware that many women will reject you if they discover you've got a daughter that you've abandoned because you're angry with the child's mother and are not willing to work that out with her. You're just not a good parent if you walk out on your child for any reason at all, and women will be leery of you because of that. I know that you won't like hearing that, but it's the truth. That can be your choice to abandon your daughter, but don't expect people to think that is the right or moral choice, because most won't.

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LD makes good points.


Now that I have sole custody of my son, I have since made the rough decision to force my ex back through the courts if he should want visitation. He had the opportunity, several actually to contest but he didn't. In the past he has "come around" a few times but he always had an ulterior motive that quickly showed itself, and that motive was always something to do with me and it was always just driven by anger. Then as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared.


I feel like him going back to the courts would be about the only thing that could possibly demonstrate an actual sincerity in having a relationship with his son, and not some way to get to me or back at me.


He's not going to do this of course, because it isn't what he wants. He's not about to lay down the time, money and energy. Like you, he wants to find another person to be with and this time, have a daughter with. It's pretty disgusting, for someone to say that. Like children are discardable things if you don't get them on the terms you want them.


I gave you a lot of advice. I hope you did something with it, but I'm guessing you didn't.

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well its not really accurute, first its the mother that doesnt want to work out so me and my daughter have a rel, its not me that doesnt want that, i want it very badly but when the mother makes it imposible its not right, and getting to see my daughter every other weekend is not a proper rel with my daughter, getting a day every weeks sucks, and its very hard to build a proper rel and bond between me and my daughter, this is not about my ex or me wanting her back, regardless of me and my ex being together i should still be able to spend adqute amount of time with our daughter to build a bond.

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i get what your saying , but your ex chosses not to be around,, i wanna be around our child and contrubite to her life, my ex is trying to prevent a rel, you have always encouraged a rel with your ex and your son.. my story is diff in that aspect.

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You're still talking in circles, here.


How long has this been going on, how long have you been making these threads and everyone responds in like? It's the same issue, time and time again.


I think you just want to complain. You have it in your head that your ex should be a certain way and because she isn't, well that's it. You're not doing it. You paint it out in this noble light(not having a proper bond, I should be a full time father and this is not a proper relationship, it's hard on my daughter, blah blah) because you don't want to think badly of yourself, because you want and need to be a victim to her to justify your decision. But you're not. And you KNOW you can be proactive.


Just own it, already. Just own it.

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i get what your saying , but your ex chosses not to be around,, i wanna be around our child and contrubite to her life, my ex is trying to prevent a rel, you have always encouraged a rel with your ex and your son.. my story is diff in that aspect.


So, she's trying to prevent it. That's life. You have the opportunity to challenge her actions in order to get to your stated goal -to be around your child and contribute to her life.

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  • 1 month later...

wow. I also had a bad situation with my daughters father when we first split and that was 3 yrs ago. After a few months to a year he grew up and is now such a good dad. You have to give it time. At the end of the day that's your daughter and you want to be there when she mumbles Da-da for the first time. It'll melt your heart. You have a lot more to lose by walking away than you do sticking through the temporarily BS.


Also, taking her to court to get visitation rights is something completely separate from CS. She would have to file that on her own If she wants it. I took my ex to court for full custody because he stated he wanted nothing with our daughter. I never filed for CS, Him and I made arrangements on our own.


Ps- It is wrong to abandon your daughter in the hopes that you and the mother can live an "ideal family life" with other people; Especially through deceiving her and each other. You wouldn't be any better in that situation.


I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide

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If you want to walk away... walk. If that is truly what you think is best for your daughter, because it's too much work to deal with her mom, because you "can't handle" only seeing her once a week... then you're doing her a favor. I'm dead serious. Unfortunately, I have some experience with this.


If you really want to be a part of her life, then for crying out loud take her mother to court and get COURT ORDERED VISITATION. She can be as hostile as she wants, but she can't interfere with that. Without doing this imperative step, you're letting her pull the strings. You have rights too. Take the steps toward enforcing them.

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