Ex is hostile towards everything seeing the kid

[Edmund Exley]

Feel sorry for me all you want--I feel sorrier for men like 22, who are stuck in situations like this. I personally think that men and women should both have an opt-out clause, in terms of pregnancy. Biological for women, financial for men.

I already explained to you the choice men have. Don't get anyone pregnant. I doubt its something you need to worry about.

[Seraphim]

Everyone who feels it is ok to walk out on a child should have had their parents walk out on them.

[Blue Spiral]

I already explained to you the choice men have. Don't get anyone pregnant. I doubt its something you need to worry about.

 

Well, thank you for that insult. It's certainly not something I need to worry about at the moment, thank god.

 

The choice men have: don't have sex, you have to worry about responsibility! The choice women have: have sex all you want, you don't have to worry about responsibility! Yes, that sounds fair.

[Edmund Exley]

Well, thank you for that insult. It's certainly not something I need to worry about at the moment, thank god.

 

The choice men have: don't have sex, you have to worry about responsibility! The choice women have: have sex all you want, you don't have to worry about responsibility! Yes, that sounds fair.

 

No insult intended. You made your views on the matter quite clear, so I was simply stating you seem to have it figured out for yourself.

 

As for the choice women have, you are very far off base. They actually have the same choices men have with the additional choice of abortion should they become pregnant which being that it is their body, and in cases like the OP here, their burden should the father walk away, I think its fair that they get that extra one.

 

Your proclivity to constantly state how unfair men have it compared to women is quite evidenced throughout this board. No need to elaborate further. Enjoy not having that worry.

[Batya33]

Well, thank you for that insult. It's certainly not something I need to worry about at the moment, thank god.

 

The choice men have: don't have sex, you have to worry about responsibility! The choice women have: have sex all you want, you don't have to worry about responsibility! Yes, that sounds fair.

 

That certainly wasn't true for me because I would have had the responsibility of having a child - I am pro-life but did not believe in abortion for myself unless it was a life/death matter or for a few other very rare exceptions.

[Mercurial Girl]

I've seen Teem Mom episodes where the teen parents were being more adult about this than you guys! Go to court, gt visitation, go to mediation or whatever else the courts or social services system might offer and set up a concrete schedule with a more neutral party facilitating communication between you two. You will get 50/50 eventually if you are an active involved parent. When she's a baby yes it's difficult - but it's a short amount of time in YOUR DAUGHTER'S long life, and one day SHE will have the ability to decide who she wants to live with.

 

No her mother shouldn't be doing the shady things she's doing, but OP can only control himself. He should not absolve himself of responsibility for his child, he absolutely should not punish his child because things aren't going the way he'd hoped with his ex.

 

If you turn your back on her you will deserve all of the guilt and regret that is coming to you.

[22n32]

Well mercuial girl, thanks for saying i will feel the guilt and regret.. if anyone should feel guilt or regret it should be my ex who sabatoge and keeps me away from our child..

 

little update for everyone. after begging for months i was allowed to see my kid for few hrs, and few weeks later she then said if u wanna see ur child u will have to go thru the courts to do so.. this is completely rediculious and desctructive, instead of spending thousand of dollars and wasted time and energy on lawyers we should be giving that to our child to give her a better life..

 

i wrote my ex long letter saying exactly that, i told her look im sorry how i acted, i loved her and wish her the best and hope she finds happiness, and we should be mature and act like adults and work together for the sake of our child, ive taking the high road for one yr now, in this whole time she has never once had a cival mature convo, she has just ignored it and turned her back to me.. every month i send 300-400 in clothes to my daughter with a note,

 

i cant ruin my life because my ex chosses to be self destructive, my ex is who will regret this and will get what she desrves maybe in few yrs maybe in 10yrs, when our child gets old enough and start asking about things and she finds out her mother kept me and her away from eachother its my ex who will be sorry, ive expressed i wanna be in her life many times. but at this time i have to do the hard thing and walk away, for many reason its what the ex wants so i will give her what she wants and let her live with the consequnces. im not gonna ruin my life and force myself into a situation were im not wanted this will not give our child a postive happy life..

 

sometimes as a man i have to do what may not seem right on the surface and whats really hard and thats to walk away.. giving myself and my ex and our daughter stress will not benefit anyone in a postive way..

 

like i said ive made it known i wanna be in our daughters life, my ex chosses not to be receptive to that, she will have to live with that and let the guilt build inside her for the rest of her life, i will always respect my ex and want best for her and our daughter.

 

but i have to step away and if its meant to be and it will be, i have to be strong and live with my decesion maybe i have to find a women and start a new family and be with a women who will stick by my side when things get tough.. but its what i have to do..

 

fyi- im walking away not because i want to but because i have too.

[Cheetarah]

I've been wondering how you were. I'm really sad to hear your latest update.

 

You've certainly talked up quite a noble game, here. But I am not fooled by this, though I'm sure you can tap into a few people's sympathy supplies. You still had options left. Hell, you know you could educate yourself and do this pro se, as well. Establishing paternity and petitioning for visitation is not a deeply complicated legal matter. A lot of people do this. My neighbor did, actually. He actually did the custody battle pro se.

 

But I don't know why we waste our time telling you this. You know this. You knew all this from the beginning, early on in her pregnancy. You just never wanted to do it, and now you've made a definitive choice.

 

No, you don't have to walk away. Please just stop it with that stuff. This should be lighting a fire under your ass, not having you slinking away in the corner acting like a victim.

[Cheetarah]

And any self-respecting woman would not want to be with a man who won't even fight to see his child. So good luck with your woman search, I am sure you will land some prize specimens.

[22n32]

I know im not gonna gain any sympathy from anyone and its not what im looking for, and its not about fooling anyone ,this wasnt any easy decesion to make i thought about it for months, unfourtantly this is the best route for all of us, it may not seem like it, but it is.

[22n32]

And any self-respecting woman would not want to be with a man who won't even fight to see his child. So good luck with your woman search, I am sure you will land some prize specimens.

 

listen chetrah, your sounding very bitter, ive fought for my child for over 1yr now, and it has done nothing but wore and tore me down, nothing postive has come out of it, my ex needs to feel the consequnces from her actions,

[dangletsbang]

listen chetrah, your sounding very bitter, ive fought for my child for over 1yr now, and it has done nothing but wore and tore me down, nothing postive has come out of it, my ex needs to feel the consequnces from her actions,

 

There will be no 'consequences' for your ex......your daughter is the one who will suffer the consequences. You say you aren't giving up because you want to but because you have to....no, no one is forcing you to give up. I would fight until I was dead for my son, I would spend every penny even if I had to starve to pay law/court fees to make sure justice was served...to make sure I could be an active parent in my child's life. No one 'wins' if you give up on trying to be a father to your child. Your child loses.

[Cheetarah]

Yes, I am. Very, very bitter towards people who leave their kids, or don't fight for them if they are put in that unfortunate position.

 

You fought the wrong battle, 22. You tried to smooth and even things out with your ex and invested a lot of emotional energy in the wrong place, and for a time for the totally wrong reasons. From day one she was showing you that you needed to get your ducks in a row. You could have been making progress right now, in the legal system. By now you'd probably have paternity established, at least - Or close to it. And be working on visitation. But you kept fighting with this unreasonable woman instead and draining yourself with it.

[HeartGoesOn]

How have you "fought for your child for over a year now" without seeking any type of legal counsel?

[22n32]

it was with legal reprensention thats how i came up with decesion, i had a female family law attorney and she advised this could take yrs and 10s of thousand of dollars and i could only get limited time like few hrs on saturdays,

 

as my lawyers said she could make my life a living hell and drain me totaly, take me in and outa court as she feels, all she has to say is i think he is unfit or whatever, its not as easy as all you ladies say it is, if both parents are copretive and work together its a pretty straight forward procceses, but if one parent is against it its a total uphill battle.

 

my lawyer even said, her words this is off the records, best thing u can do is write her a honest heart filled letter stating what you want and willing to do, and if she ignores it, then you have to move on and let her fill the regret and consequnces of her actions.

[Cheetarah]

Talk to an attorney that advocates for fathers rights. Don't just stop at one person, man. Talk to lots. When I got an attorney I met with several before I chose.

[22n32]

Talk to an attorney that advocates for fathers rights. Don't just stop at one person, man. Talk to lots. When I got an attorney I met with several before I chose.

 

you have a very tunnel vision, i went to a women family lawyer, all lawyers advocate to take your money, i was happy my lawyer told me the truth and didnt sugar coat it, she told me what can happen and what will happen from yrs of experince and thousand of cases..

 

u may not agree with my decesion, heck i dont agree with the way its going about, but this is reality and it has to be this way for now, things may change in future in wont change because i force it, but it will change because she sees it and finally opens her eyes and sees what she is causing..

[itsallgrand]

I honestly believe you should be in therapy. Have you been and are you? To get over your ex, and to get focused on the fact that there is now a little girl in the world who is relying on you to be her daddy and love her and be there for her. What that actually means. YOu can't see that right now. At all. You think you can. But trust us, you aren't seeing the big picture.

 

I wonder if part of that has to do with not really having spent much time with your child. You maybe haven't bonded. It isn't real. She isn't totally real.

 

My dad was one of the most important people in my life. Words totally fail me when it comes to describing what he meant to me, and all that he did for me. It's a very special love, and special relationship, unlike any other. When a little girl KNOWS her daddy loves her and would cross heaven and earth to keep her safe and happy.

 

Maybe if you could empathize with that, and with your daughter, you would understand more of why people are so passionate on this issue. And why your little girl deserves 100% - needs, depends upon - you.

 

I really encourage you to go to therapy and sort this out properly, and work on yourself. There is a serious problem if you are saying in one breath "I need to walk away from my child, it's for the best for her" and then "I need to find a woman and have another baby". It's really messed up on a deep level.

[Cheetarah]

I heard the same stuff. If my ex intended on a custody battle, I'd have to lay down a 5 grand retainer and expect it to cost anywhere from 10-30k in the end. I would have done whatever I needed to do, I don't think you're getting it. Remember that as much as it costs you, it also costs her. Time, money, energy.

 

How old is your daughter now? Isn't she maybe 3 or 4 months old?

[pl3asehelp]

Kids need their dad, girls even more so. Don't give up on her. I've never known a girl without a dad who didn't spend most of their life in pain.

[itsallgrand]

Another point that I wanted to make is..have you thought about the fact that if you bail on your daughter, you are also bailing on yourself?

 

You are presented with this beautiful opportunity to grow as a man, to know love like you probably haven't ever before.

 

You can choose to raise yourself up to it, or you can wimp out and bail.

 

Even if you didn't have to answer to your daughter down the line, you are going to have to answer to yourself. It's interesting to me you mentioned "Find a woman who will stick by my side and not leave me when things get tough". Yet this is exactly what you are not doing for yourself, nor your daughter now.

 

It would be something I would be bringing up in therapy. Why do you need someone to stand by your side on this in order to do it? Do you need help maturing and being solid as a person first yourself before you have it to give you kid?

 

I can't remember your age exactly, but I remember you aren't exactly young. Why not do this work now. It won't get easier as you get older.

[Cheetarah]

Kids need their dad, girls even more so. Don't give up on her. I've never known a girl without a dad who didn't spend most of their life in pain.

 

I hate that I need to agree with this, but it's true. A lot of my girlfriends are fatherless(as am I), for different reasons. Yeah, we're all functioning, successful members of society, but we have problems. We have difficulties relating to men/forming solid attachments and all of us have been in therapy at different points trying to iron all that stuff out. The ones with willfully absent fathers(as opposed to death) experience a special kind of pain I can't really comprehend.

 

I know my son is going to have some issues to a certain degree, it's just pretty much inevitable. I just will be there to cushion him the best I can and surround him with good, consistent role models and lots of love. Why put your child through that?

[Fudgie]

Stop sending her money, clothes, and gifts. Use that money on a lawyer and establish paternity.

[Mercurial Girl]

"Well mercuial girl, thanks for saying i will feel the guilt and regret.. if anyone should feel guilt or regret it should be my ex who sabatoge and keeps me away from our child.."

 

If you feel nothing of leaving your daughter in the lurch (to save some money? hassle?) then you simply don't deserve to be in her life. Maybe she is better off without you. Even if you did bother to get a paternity test (such a hassle, how will you manage?!), your desire to be there for her is so lackluster that you seem like someone who would come in and out of her life when it's convenient for you - like when you're trying to impress a new date and show her how nice of a daddy you are. In that case, spare her. You know what else? I think that's EXACTLY why you wanted this baby in the first place - from the moment you knew your ex was pregnant you have been using your daughter as a pawn in your love life. You did not ACTUALLY want a baby, you wanted an "in" with the ex, you wanted a reason to keep the lines of communication open. You hoped that her hormones or whatever would sway her back into your arms. Now that it isn't going as you planned, oh forget it - innocent child, what? Old news to you, now. Your daughter wont care about who should feel what, she will care that you weren't there. Period.

 

Oh sure, you'll try ANYTHING to get your ex onside. Letters, phone calls, gifts, blablabla. But you'll do NOTHING concrete to establish paternity and parental rights. Because you don't truly care about the baby here, it's all about the relationship you can't have. No way in hell would I allow you around my daughter just to use her as a manipulation tool, either. I honestly don't blame your ex for making this difficult for you. I don't think it's morally "right" but I understand her actions WAY more than yours. She is seeing you for who you really are. She knows you aren't interested in being a dad, unless it comes with romance.

 

"every month i send 300-400 in clothes to my daughter with a note,"

oh wow, yeah $300-$400 in clothing is exceptional parenting. Babies need NOTHING MORE than clothing. LMAO. Whatever assuages your guilt, I guess. When she's old enough she'll ask mom about you and mom will say "he couldn't be bothered with much else unless I professed my undying love to him, but he did like to buy you clothing when you were a baby"

 

I don't even have a child, and I know for a fact that I would fight to the death to be a positive influence in my child's life. Bitter exes and legal fees be damned. You should truly feel ashamed of yourself. You're a deadbeat dad, period. Justify it all you want, your daughter sure wont care about your excuses.

[22n32]

its easy for you to say i would do this and that, unless u walk in my shoes u have no idea, and this has nothing to do with my ex or me wanting her back, how she has acted is not right, i dont send clothes to be the father of the yr, i send because i care and i wanna do more then that, and i would rather buy my kid clothes and better life, then waste my money on lawyers and destructfull path,

 

when kid asks about me, i have prof that i tried to be in her life and it was the mother who tried to keep us away, my ex will live with that..

 

me going to court and wasting my time and energy will not help the matter at all , all my ex will see is im trying to fight and take our daughter, and like her father said she will go into lioness mode, and do whatever it takes to keep me away and wear me down to nothing, limit my time with her to few hrs a week, and she can do that like my lawyer said, and if u dont think she can then ur in denial.

 

seeing my kid for few hrs a week is not having a rel with her, its more like a baby sitter. not a father. only way this will ever be postive is if my ex snaps outa of it and relizes on her own that our daughter needs a father and she encourages it and allows me proper time with her..

 

ur very limit in ur view, all u see is i dont fight for her, ive fought the proper way. me pushing something is just beating a dead horse, its not gonna give me the proper results unless both of us are on the same page.

 

crazy comments like i dont wanna be a dad unless it comes with her, WRONG. i dont wanna be with her and i wanna be a father nothing more, statement like that shows me u have no idea what ur talking about..

t