Ex is hostile towards everything seeing the kid

[Cheetarah]

I don't know what they do in his state. I know here, where I live - The court, at this age, would encourage(should we not have been able to come to an agreement in mediation, which is what they want. Parents working together making decisions) frequent visitation in short spurts. Example - Seeing baby perhaps 2 or 3 times a week, possibly in mom's home if she were to agree to that, 1-2 hours at a time.

[bulletproof]

blue spiral its exactly how I feel, no matter what I lose, and why isn't she being person and least being cival and reaching out too to work with me and encourage a rel.. why is she making everything diffucult

 

It doesn't matter why she is making it difficult. You can't control her, period. You can only control yourself. What you're doing now isn't working, and the "option" of just disappearing from this child's life is wrong and you know that.

[Cheetarah]

blue spiral its exactly how I feel, no matter what I lose, and why isn't she being person and least being cival and reaching out too to work with me and encourage a rel.. why is she making everything diffucult

 

Well, she's NOT doing that. But forget her. You can worry about a civil co parenting relationship later.

 

My neighbor has been going through meditation for visitation with his twins for 7 months. That woman has been nothing but an unreasonable witch. Calls the police during his parenting time saying that he isn't supposed to have the kids, the cops come, he shows them the agreement where it IS his parenting time, they leave. She does this every time they are over, just to make it hard. She agreed to overnights once a month, now she is backtracking and trying to prove parental unfitness for the overnights. It's crazy. All through that, he fights for those kids. He finally had them for the first overnight not too long ago, and he was so excited about it. Even though she's trying to yank that away now. And, he does this all pro se, without an attorney. He goes to the court house and speaks with the legal aide agency there and they teach him the ropes and what appropriate paperwork to fill out, and how.

 

This is what parents do.

[SapphireNoir10]

What's worse? Seeing her 9 days a month or never again?

 

I know what I'd choose. I am sorry your ex is making it so hard, but you should fight for your daughter.

[Edmund Exley]

I know thanks for stating the facts , exactly why I think its best for me to walk away, but part of me feels its wrong and another part feels its right thing to do..

 

You need to get a court agreement or you will be at her mercy. Right now she has none for you.

 

She wants to make it easy for you to walk away. Then she can say "See I told everyone he was an a-hole". Based on your statement above, its working.

 

If you want to be in your child's life get a legal custody agreement.

[Kendahke]

Im sure I would regret it, but it was the mothers fault for pushing me away and she will have karma and guilt her way..

 

she has done everything to be resentfull and hostile towards me, if she wanted to be an adult she can put her diff aside and least try to co parent with me in positive way.. this is the mothers doing that's making me make this decision..

 

that's not how your daughter will see it.

 

She will see it as there was something wrong with her and that's why you left her life. That she wasn't good enough. She's going to be jacked up for years to come once that dawns on her.

 

Swallow your pride and quit acting selfishly. You and her mother need the state to intervene and set up ground rules. You're both too immature to open up a can of 'act right' on your own, so you need to have the court spell it out for you both.

[DancingFool]

courts will give me 20-30% a month, that's 6-9 days.. yeah that's awesome, I lose no matter what..

 

Stop being so bloody selfish. You fathered a child and it's high time to think about someone other than yourself and how you feel. This is about your daughter and the fact that she needs a father in her life and needs to know who he is and that he loves her and cares about even if she only sees him 6-9 days per month.

[Cheetarah]

Seriously, once you're a parent you have to do things you don't like and things that are painful and uncomfortable. It is not all about you anymore. And there's nothing you can say, that would convince me that your daughter is better off having never known you. Go ahead and tell yourself it's better for "everyone" so you feel better - It's not. It's only better for you.

 

But you know what? Go ahead and hang onto the one person out of dozens and dozens that told you you should have walked away a long time ago. You're looking for validation, so run with it. Nothing we can say will change your mind. You've heard it all before.

 

Your daughter needs you.

Your daughter needs her father.

Your daughter deserves both parents.

Your daughter deserves financial support from both parents.

Stop being selfish.

Forget about your ex.

Go to court.

Go to court.

Go to court.

 

That about covers it. I think every day what my son is going to feel like when he gets older, knowing his father chose not to be in his life. But I'll be the best parent I can be, and my conscience will be free and I won't ever, ever, ever have to explain to my son one day why I turned my back on him. You, my friend, will have to eat that guilt for the rest of your life, knowing your baby is out there wondering about you.

[22n32]

I understand what youre all saying, its just easier said then done, like Edmund says either way she wants to push me out then if I leave she will say look hes a bad guy, or if I stay she will make my life a living hell, I lose either way. sometimes I think maybe just would be easier for all of us I just left, being meet with resitence wont be healthy for our child either..

 

I just don't know..

[Cheetarah]

She will see it as there was something wrong with her and that's why you left her life. That she wasn't good enough. She's going to be jacked up for years to come once that dawns on her.

 

How lovely.

[bulletproof]

...or if I stay she will make my life a living hell...

 

How will she make your life a living hell if you have nothing to do with her and only do what is directly mandated by a court, with your child? You will have nothing to do with her. Yes, you share a child, but there are ways to minimize contact with her mother so that it's not an issue.

 

If there is a set arrangement in place, there will be no reason to have arguments with her. It will be in print.

 

It sounds more like you are both so full of hatred toward each other that you have lost the capacity to reason and to see what's best for your child.

[iamkaylee]

I'm going off of what he said, which is that he can't see himself living this way--with minimal visitation. How much do you think the court will give him? That's an honest question, I have no idea. Will only seeing his kid every week or two tear him apart, or will it be enough?

 

If he starts documenting all her crap and can prove to the court that she is interfering with or denying him the right to see the child, he can get a heck of a lot. She has absolutely ZERO right to do this and ZERO right to make his life a living hell.

 

Fact is, she can only do all this jazz if he ALLOWS it. The problem is, he IS allowing it. The OP needs to put his foot down, man up and take her to court. If he wants to spend time with his daughter, he's going to have to be willing to fight for it.

 

Without a custody/visitation agreement in place, she can do whatever she likes. Including haul herself and the kid off to China and there is not one single thing he can do about it but whine. Court papers will give his complaints teeth. If she wants to deny him visitation or start playing interference games after there's an order in place, he can have the police enforce the order and MAKE her live up to it.

[shellyf62]

My Father always wanted a Son, he got 3 Daughters......he never held us, played with us, talked to us.....he divorced my Mother & left us and we never saw him again. I found out that he passed away a few years ago, I didn't shed a tear or care one bit, because he didn't give a damn about us.

He missed out on our lives, on his Grandchildren & Great Grand child. His Brother walked me down the aisle, he has been like a surrogate Father to us.

 

Is that what you want for your Daughter, to grow up thinking her Dad hated her, to have some other man walk her down the aisle, to not see her first day at school,

tell you about the first boy that she has a crush on, to not give her advice about life........

 

This is a huge decision, not one to be taken lightly. It will affect both of your lives. Please consider all options before you throw your hands up & walk away. Do you really want a child who thinks you don't care?

[Mesemene]

I'm going off of what he said, which is that he can't see himself living this way--with minimal visitation. How much do you think the court will give him? That's an honest question, I have no idea. Will only seeing his kid every week or two tear him apart, or will it be enough?

 

Honestly? If he's a normal hardworking adult, 50%.

 

That's what the courts awarded my husband - he had a son with an ex gf, and he had 50% custody long before I was in the picture. She actually found she enjoyed her freedom and he ended up with more like 80% time with his son for a very long time, until he was school age. And this is a very pro-mom state. There's no reason that the OP can't push for that at least until school age, when it makes sense for the child to be with one parent during the school week.

 

If the relationship with his ex gf is very adversarial, he can even request a third party to meet him to do drop-offs and pickups, and remove the ex from the picture.

 

And if she doesn't follow through on her part of the bargain - he can take her BACK to court. Most states frown heavily on denial of visitation/parental rights.

 

Also, OP, if your child support isn't court mandated, I strongly suggest you have it go through the court system. That way you don't get taken advantage of having her say some of what you give as support is "gifts." It's handled and credited directly - so it takes the "he said/she said" out of it - and I strongly recommend it if she's being a jerk.

 

She's being the issue. So as much as possible, take her out of the equation between you and your child, and just concentrate on fatherhood.

 

I also agree - giving up is not an option. You don't want her feeling she wasn't worth enough to you to fight for.

[Cheetarah]

^Yes. For every possible nasty scenario and/or dynamic that may or may not exist between you and your ex, there are measures to get you though it. Meeting at police station for exchanges, approved third parties doing the pick ups and drops offs, doing communication with mom in e-mails

[pippy longstocking]

This is all too common , women doing this ...I tell you what though op she may be pushing you as much as she can to make you walk away , but if you do, for the rest of your daughters life she will be telling her you did exactly that .

 

The little girl will grow up with just visits with you as the norm ...and as she packs her little bag on a weekend when she is older to go to daddy's she wont think anything of it ...she will never know any different ....and you will eventually get into the swing of it ..and it may not have been what you had in mind , but there are many of us single parents on here and believe me , it's not what we had in mind either .

 

I see how hard this is for you ...but ..this stopped becoming about you I'm afraid the minute that little girl was on her way into this world , and it is your duty as a daddy to accept this has happened and to go forth and make the best of this situation , legally get your visits and just enjoy your time with her .

[abitbroken]

I only got through page three but I think you are being unfair.

 

If you call up your ex the day you want to see your daughter and ask to see her - you say she is lashing out or mean or vindictive for saying no. People have plans and are not just sitting around. The more healthy thing to do would be to ask her what time frame would she be home for you to see your daughter and ask if it would work on X day or X day and then show up. Heck, i don't have kids but if someone told me that they want to see me today, i most likely would tell them no also. too short notice.

 

I think you really want to forget your daughter because otherwise you would fight for her. You only want your daughter if you can be a family with your ex.

 

You need to go to court and get visitation. For real. and in the meantime - be fair to your ex. Its hard for your ex to say yes to seeing your daughter when you are asking for the same day.

 

So go to court. Get visitation.NO you will not see an infant daily. But more than you do.

[Batya33]

How will she make your life a living hell if you have nothing to do with her and only do what is directly mandated by a court, with your child? You will have nothing to do with her. Yes, you share a child, but there are ways to minimize contact with her mother so that it's not an issue.

 

If there is a set arrangement in place, there will be no reason to have arguments with her. It will be in print.

 

It sounds more like you are both so full of hatred toward each other that you have lost the capacity to reason and to see what's best for your child.

 

Agree with this. This is not about you. It's whether your child deserves to have an involved father. She didn't ask to be born into this situation and now she's here. Don't abandon her because it's hard for you. Parenting is hard even in a 2-parent married/committed family.

[browneyedgirl36]

I too think you would be making a HUGE mistake in walking away from your child, a mistake you will regret forever. I know people who grew up without one parent because that one parent chose to walk away, and it has left a HUGE hole in their lives. One of them is one of my best friends. Later on, many years after walking away, her father came back and tried to talk to her. She shunned him, and they never spoke again. He died last year having never had a real relationship with her. Sad. As a result, she's had nothing but problems with men -- having affairs with married guys, having unrequited crushes on guys who only see her as a friend, being strung along by guys who aren't really into her, etc. The abandonment by her father really affected her ability to have a relationship with a decent guy.

 

I know you don't want to go the court route, and you think you shouldn't *have* to, but this is the reality of the situation: You fathered that child. As her father, you DO have a right to seek legal counsel and seek some sort of visitation, if not at least partial custody. I know you *think* you'll get her rarely, but you might be surprised. My ex received 50% physical and legal custody of his two children, and they ended up living with him half the time (2 weeks a month with him, two weeks with their mother) until they were adults and went off to college. Another reality of the situation is that your ex is being a jerk about the whole thing. Should she be acting this way? No, but unless you take legal action she will continue to act this way and you will have no recourse. If you have a legal visitation and/or custody order in place, if she violates it, she will be in violation of the order, and she will be in trouble. Without a legal visitation/custody arrangement, you have no leg to stand on. Yet another reality: You will have to pay child support. As her father, you should feel obligated to provide for her financially (yes, your ex is financially responsible as well -- she's not off the hook). Giving money here and there, buying some diapers and things from time to time doesn't count. The support needs to be consistent.

 

You need to do three things here:

1) Stop making this about you and your ex. It's about your daughter.

2) Stop this "all or nothing" thinking -- "If I only get to see her 9 days a month, it would be better if I just walked away" -- it's only going to devastate and cause damage to your child in the future; again, you WILL regret it, profoundly, if you make that choice.

3) Accept the reality that the three of you are NOT going to be the family you had hoped for. This does NOT mean you can't be in your daughter's life; it simply means you won't have a relationship with your ex beyond what you have to do to maintain communication regarding your daughter. Don't punish your daughter just because your ex no longer wants to be with you.

 

Ultimately, you HAVE to be willing to put your child's well-being before your own. That's what parents do.

[abitbroken]

2) Stop this "all or nothing" thinking -- "If I only get to see her 9 days a month, it would be better if I just walked away" -- it's only going to devastate and cause damage to your child in the future; again, you WILL regret it, profoundly, if you make that choice.

 

Right now your daughter is a breastfed 5 week old infant. It is in her best interest to be with her mother right now. No court would mandate a 5 week old to overnight with her father away from her mother at that age. Rather, things would change as she gets a little older and more aware of your presence. Sharing custody of a toddler or getting visitation of a toddler or even an older baby is way different than a very new newborn. You are not a 16 year old boy and determine it is best to walk away and let her older sister and BIL adopt the baby or her parents to. You are a grown man.

 

So - go to court and get visitation. But don't say "i want to see her 50% of my waking hours right now because that won't happen. Have you established paternity? Are you on the birth certificate? That is first. If you are not recognized officially as the father then you need to establish that to establish your right to visitation of your child. If you do the work now while she is tiny, you will have a nice relationship with your daughter as a toddler and into childhood and adulthood. If you just give up and walk away - then she will always know that you walked away.

[Cheetarah]

Honestly 22, you sound a lot like my ex. It was different in that I actually tried to facilitate involvement, but I still heard the same things. "It's better for him", "He shouldn't have to grow up with parents that aren't together", etc. If it wasn't going the way he wanted it, he didn't want it. When he thought I'd still go back to him he was a lot different.

 

He's a loser for that. For walking away. He only cared about himself and his own feelings and it was pretty much like this child didn't really exist. Never took that into account. If you can walk away from your child, then you don't deserve to start a family, have a child with someone else. Someone who is parent material doesn't do things like that. They take care of their responsibilities.

[Fudgie]

It is your choice and I hope you make the right one.

 

But if you walk away, the least you can do is pay CS. Even if the mom marries again and has the child adopted by the new dad, at least you'll be paying and can say that to your daughter in the future.

[Edmund Exley]

I understand what youre all saying, its just easier said then done, like Edmund says either way she wants to push me out then if I leave she will say look hes a bad guy, or if I stay she will make my life a living hell, I lose either way. sometimes I think maybe just would be easier for all of us I just left, being meet with resitence wont be healthy for our child either..

 

I just don't know..

 

For the love of freakin God this isn't about what's easy for you. This is about a child knowing her father. You should be willing to FIGHT to the end of the Earth for that child to know her father.

[Blue Spiral]

He's a loser for that. For walking away. He only cared about himself and his own feelings and it was pretty much like this child didn't really exist. Never took that into account. If you can walk away from your child, then you don't deserve to start a family, have a child with someone else. Someone who is parent material doesn't do things like that. They take care of their responsibilities.

 

Does turning down responsibility and walking away from a child really make someone a loser, though? Or does it depend on when the walking away happens, and who's doing it? I think it's acceptable for women to walk away before their child is born--i.e., have an abortion. But the only time the man is able to walk away is after the child is born, since we don't have any say in reproductive choice issues. Women didn't like it when men tried to control what they did pre-birth; is it really so surprising that men don't like it when women try to control what we do post-birth? When one group has the ability to walk away, and the other really doesn't, things are going to get messy.

[mhowe]

Does turning down responsibility and walking away from a child really make someone a loser, though[/b.

 

Yes, it does.