Jump to content

Should we know each other's passwords....email, facebook, etc. ?


sg84

Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

Seeking the opinions of others out there. My husband and I share no passwords with one another. I can say 99% of my time I've been with my husband, I have had no desire to look through any of his online stuff nor have a ever felt the need to monitor anything he does online or on his phone. Before my husband and I even dated and were just friends, I told him that I had logged into my ex "Jake's" facebook account and read messages he was sending to girls and found hurtful damaging things. When I told my husband that, he acted like that was such a huge violation of Jakes privacy and that I should not be logging into anyone's accounts ever. I did some reading on this topic and found the general consensus is that people shouldn't log into one another's accounts because you WILL find something you don't like, no matter whether it's big or small, so essentially it was along the lines of don't go looking for trouble unless you want trouble. So I just told myself for the next years forth, don't go looking for trouble and just trust whoever I am with. So far that philosophy worked for me.

I'd been with my husband for 4 years without ever snooping on anything of his. He leaves his accounts logged in, and so the access has been there and open if I ever wanted to look, but I NEVER did. And in the beginning of our relationship he was weird about the password protection, I thought overly protective so much that he was, trying to hide the keyboard when he typed passwords....and I was just...okay whatever.

So recently, this past week we were having major issues with fighting, and he decided to ignore me for over 3 days and act like I didn't exist and said maybe 3 words to me. I didn't break the silence because I thought why should I talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me. So this treatment left me so fed up that I broke my no snooping rule because I wanted to know what if he had anything to say about me to other people. I waited till he went to work and I got on his computer here at home and just opened his email browser, I didn't have to log on or anything, I didn't click on a damn thing, or look through folders, but I could see what he was chatting about in the messenger in 'real time' at work to his coworkers, and he was saying something to a female coworker and she said, how was your night? And he said, I didn't speak to her again. And then the email logged out. So I didn't see anything more.

Anyhow, he got home, he immediately went to his computer and said, did you log into this today? And I was just dumb and lied and said no. Mind you, this is the most we spoke in 3-4 days. And he was like, ok, well someone accessed my gmail today, I get emails to notify me when something has been accessed remotely. And I said, fine I turned on your computer and yeah I clicked your email but I didn't see anything on there, didn't go through anything... So of course he was pissed off.

Anyhow, I found it pretty amazing that he automatically knew what I did, and it was literally the first curious attempt I ever made at looking at his stuff, in 4 years. So....I don't know, I know I should not have. It's just, I log into his computer all the time to check out internet settings and whatnot, not to snoop, and he literally leaves all his accounts up and running, sometimes he even leaves his gmail up and running while he left for work, same with facebook. So, I readily have had access but never looked, and the one day I actually look for the wrong reasons, he knew it. I feel like it was a trap he set and it took me 4 years to fall into it.

I have no locks on my gmail or facebook and he could look at any of my stuff at any time and I wouldn't even care because I have NOTHING to hide. I've chatted online to my girl friends about my husband about how he's pissed me off throughout the years, just venting, but I wouldnt even care if he read it because he already knows what he does that pisses me off.

So, how do you all handle your accounts? I am a little unnerved at his level of protection on his accounts now that I have made that discovery. So...I feel like I have nothing to hide, why should he???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 84
  • Created
  • Last Reply

You told him at the onset that you snooped on your ex, and he was aghast. He didn't think there was a reason.

So --- yes, he set a "trap" --- and you managed for 4 yrs to respect his privacy. But when you guys hit the wall with a fight --- you snooped. Knowing how

he feels about it.

 

Trust is trust. And broken trust is broken trust. He may have nothing to hide --- he just believes in privacy.

 

I have never accessed my bf's email account or phone --- and I never would. I don't even answer his phone.

 

You know what you did was wrong. I think you owe him an apology.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ops. I would be worried. He was talking to his female coworker about the situation between you two .

Honestly I've said yes, I opened you computer and accidentally read part of your conversation with your coworker. And then I would tell him if he wants privacy at least to keep your intimate subjects private too.

And then start mirroring him. He ignores me, I ignore him.

I really do t know what else to tell you, but the situation doesn't seem normal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I did apologize.

 

Why is it ok for him to discuss his feelings about a current situation with other people, let alone another woman, and not his wife?

 

I think stonewalling your SO for 3 days is a worse violation than looking at email.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, we do not have each other's passwords. I am sure you will get passionate responses on this one. Some people INSIST there are issues if you do not have passwords and you don't have a REAL relationship if you do not have the passwords because there is no trust without passwords. Personally, I do not need his passwords and he feels no need to have mine. We do not live in each other's pocket and have no desire to. If my husband were to cheat my knowing ALL passwords would not work anyway. He could easily make a private account I have no knowledge of anyway. So what good is a password????? People are smarter than a password. Really?!

 

Nah. You either trust or you don't that is the way I see it.

 

People are gonna do what they are gonna do whether you have passwords or you don't.

 

My husband leaves his laptop open all the time. I have never once looked at it. I don't need to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I did apologize.

 

Why is it ok for him to discuss his feelings about a current situation with other people, let alone another woman, and not his wife?

 

I think stonewalling your SO for 3 days is a worse violation than looking at email.

 

You do discuss your feelings about your husband with other people. And he didn't discuss --- he just said your guys werent talking.

And, you both are participants in stonewalling each other.

 

It is not a case of which action is better or worse. Both of them point to a break down in the relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is a very good point Victoria. I guess if he really wanted to be sneaky, there is always the secret account scenario. My friend's husband did that to her.

 

For the most part I trust him with the online stuff, just this particular instance got the best of me. I've never had him completely stop talking to me for 1 day, let alone 3 days. He is a 'talker', so it kind of freaked me out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't discuss my ill feelings with another man though, only other women. It seems kind of like a violation to discuss his disdain with me to another woman, even if I know this woman is taken. It still feels icky to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't discuss my ill feelings with another man though, only other women. It seems kind of like a violation to discuss his disdain with me to another woman, even if I know this woman is taken. It still feels icky to me.

 

Men generally do not discuss their emotions with other men. And that she is someone he works with -- who knows.

Your "violation" seems to be trying to minimize that you snooped, then lied about the snooping.

 

I think lying would make me feel "ickier" than saying "we still aren't speaking".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Issue #1 :

Why is he not talking to you?

 

I don't think reading emails it's a big deal.[/QUOTE]

 

That's fine -- and your opinion. But OP's husband DOES think it's a big deal -- and has since the outset of their relationship/marriage. He feels it is a violation

of privacy.

 

And instead of broaching the silence between them, OP snooped --- and then lied about snooping.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No. Married or otherwise, your SO is entitled to communicate with their friends privately without you eavesdropping, snooping, or otherwise reading snatches of conversations that are not for your eyes and ears. You know it's wrong, even a five year old knows snooping is wrong. You do owe him an apology and you need to deal with whatever compulsion drives you to do this.

 

I think it's also very true that if you go looking of trouble, you will find it. I mean who hasn't vented to their friend about a relationship problem before? The whole point of unedited venting is that you get advice, you cool off, you can then go back to your SO, be civil and work things out. If you are out reading what's not meant for you, you are pretty much guaranteeing yourself pain and breaking down this process. You are taking offense at something that was never actually said to you and would not have been said to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Mhowe. I've been married almost 5 years, together for much longer. This is my opinion on it. I share passwords as needed - typically that means sites like link removed or whatever it is my husband needs to access at the time. I don't care if he saves the password or not. We've never asked for each other's passwords and we both typically leave our computers open. If he leaves his work email open and a work email notification pops up I might glance at it because he might need to know what's going on at work. Unless it looks urgent, I say nothing. If it does I'll tell him generally what I saw, no issue.

 

If he's on the computer and my facebook is running and he sees that someone messaged me he'll tell me so that I know. I don't think he looks at my Facebook and I don't care if he does. Non-issue. I have never snooped on my husband's email and I have no reason to. I would look if it were an emergency situation and he would be fine with that I'm sure. I would be very upset if he snooped on my email -on the other hand I would be completely shocked if he did so - he's very respectful of those sorts of boundaries.

 

I can't relate to couples who feel that they need to be able to access each other's emails in order to have a trusting relationship. That doesn't make it wrong.

 

Oh and I also don't open his mail and he doesn't open mine unless one of us asks the other to do so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not trying to justify what I did, I did lie but I corrected it within minutes and I did apologize. I know for a fact the conversation he had with that woman went much deeper but I didnt get to see it. Which is fine.

 

The whole situation was really immature on both our parts. I thought his silence was him trying to cool down from an earlier argument, so I wanted to give him space, then the space developed into 3 days of not talking. I thought he was being childish and didn't want to deal with it, so I left him alone. I think it was a stalemate we were in.

 

And yes, I violated the privacy. Still, I guess this was more about me seeking other's opinions on how much privacy do you believe you should have in a marriage? Because there are plenty of people out there right now who can't handle the temptations of having so much ready access to other people, and they don't know what is right and wrong. I see it over and over again.... Some people don't understand what is kosher when it comes to online relations, and texting and whatnot.

 

I live my life and interact with others in a way that I don't need to hide it from my husband...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"I guess this was more about me seeking other's opinions on how much privacy do you believe you should have in a marriage? "

 

Unfortunately the answer I think (unfortunately since its not that helpful) is whatever works for the couple. I have very close friendships and we have personal conversations over e-mail that I would prefer my husband not read for a variety of reasons. I think I'm entitled to have those relationships and to have my private space. So is he.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I believe people are deserving of privacy even in a committed relationship. You are never going to know or have 100% of ANYBODY, EVER. And that is OKAY. I am not sure why people are threatened by that.

 

I was alive before my husband and I would be alive after him too. That does not mean I do not love him. I do. Very much. But I do not own him or his mind or his words or anything. He is with me because he WANTS to be and that is the ONLY way I want him with me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I did apologize.

 

Why is it ok for him to discuss his feelings about a current situation with other people, let alone another woman, and not his wife?

 

I think stonewalling your SO for 3 days is a worse violation than looking at email.

 

Please don't get into a childish my wrong is less than your wrong deal.

 

There are many times when I choose to discuss my relationship problems with a guy friend instead of female friends. Typically because they can translate well from manspeak to womanspeak and give me a good male perspective on what my SO may be thinking of why he is acting a certain way. My guy friends will often contact me about their relationship problems for the same reason. She did x,y,z now why on earth would she do that? Translation please. The opposite sex friend can just help you understand better while a same sex friend is better at just being empathetic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marriages work best when there are boundaries of privacy. You share bank accounts, a bathroom and everything else. You need to keep a little bit of separate identity too. My BF would never dream of looking in my purse and only goes into my coat pockets if I ask him to (he calls looking for something and i remember the key to the shed is in my coat pocket, etc). I never snoop through his phone or go through his little box thats in his nightstand of personal treasures. He would never read my diary - he waits until I want to read something to him. It just doesn't cross our minds and he was aghast to hear that my ex would go through my diary and then when everyone was over reveal things about me.

 

I think that you should have passwords to bill websites (your energy company, etc even if it is just in his name), but personal email and Facebook - nope unless he wants you do have it and offers it up.

 

Having to have every single password and access to everything implies you don't trust someone at all.

 

I think he is right to feel violated. You are looking for trouble.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"I live my life and interact with others..."

 

And that is fine for you. But you are not him.

And what you did --- the snooping --- was an invasion of privacy. Something you KNEW was a hot button for him.

 

What others do/don't do -- is kind of immaterial. Because it is an issue you KNOW he felt strongly about.

 

There is no such thing as "how much privacy"....privacy is privacy.

 

Email, phone, real mail --- if it the other persons' --- you don't access it without permission.

 

This is about communications, and a cold war between you and your husband. Resolve it all -- or it will continue to fester and infect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think reading someone else's emails, or accessing their information without their OK is a HUGE violation. Especially when its completely unjustified. It's not like he thought he was cheating. You guys were having a fight. Both of you choose to act like 2 years old and give each other the silent treatment. Instead of putting on your grow up pants and talking to him you stonewalled him just like he stonewalled you.

 

I think both you and your husband need to find more mature ways of handling your fights.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm one of those who believes men and women can't be just friends. But that's a whole different can of worms for a different day. I believe they can be acquaintances, but not true friends. Anything more than acquaintances feels like emotional infidelity to me. I did not used to feel like way and as I got older it changed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you tried communication courses? Recently my husband and I went to one for further ideas on communication. We communicate well now long before the course but did not for years. A relationship communication course might help a lot. Just do not get one that tries to convince men to be women.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...