How can I help ease his worries?

[Daisy11]

Hi ENA Community,

 

So I have this boyfriend/friend that I have been seeing on and off for about two years. Every time we get together something minor happens and he turns tail and runs. This most recent time we had been spending time together for a little over a month and things were going perfectly. I mean better than ever in the past and it felt like we were both finally on the same page. Thursday night we had a talk about how we wanted to figure out how to make our relationship work for the long-run and how we both know we love each other very much and want to be together seriously.

 

Well then Friday night, the very next day, I met him and his friends out at a bar. I know all of his friends pretty well and have made my own friendships with most of them. There is one that I am closer to that my BF is always worried about. He thinks we are too close and that bothers him. You see, about six years ago my BF got divorced because his ex-wife cheated on him. I think he still has a lot of insecurities surrounding that portion of his life. I hadn't seen this friend of his for a few months so when I got to the bar I went directly to my BF, gave him a kiss and said "hi". Then I went over to the other friends and said hi to them as well and the one gave me a hug. Well that made my BF upset that I was hugging this other guy and he wanted to leave immediately. It's insane. Let me take the opportunity now to mention that my BF is 32 and I'm 29. This is high school level jealousy and we are both successful, working adults at this point in our lives.

 

So the night goes on and I took him home (he didn't have his vehicle with him at the bar, he came with his friends) and once we get back to his place he fell asleep. His buddy texted me to see if we had gone home or another bar and I told him that "my BF passed out on me and I was bored! LOL." And then proceeded to ask him what the rest of the group was up to. Now, I pride myself on never cheating on a boyfriend and I take infidelity very seriously and would never have the intention to ever be unfaithful. When I texted the friend back it was innocent and I had no intention of leaving my boyfriends house to meet up with his friends.

 

The next morning the guys were kidding with him about falling asleep on me so he finds out I was texting his friends. Then he follows this up with a phone call to me saying that the dinner we had planned to talk about moving our reltionship forward is cancelled and that he wants to be "just friends". We were so close to moving forward to where we want to be! He is so worried and insecure about this kind of thing. I would happily delete all of his friends numbers from my phone and commit to never hugging them or being overly friendly with any other man again in my life. I hate how he is hurt and upset. I had no intention of causing any pain to him and now everything we have built is in shambles and he is being impossible about all of it.

 

He is coming over to my house tonite to help me move some patio furniture into the garage for winter storage. He had already agreed to help me before all of this. I feel like this is my chance to talk to him and try to show him how serious I am about being loyal to him and want to explain again that the conversations with his friends were just on a friend level. I hate that his past is affecting our future so much.

 

Any advice on how I can handle this? Is there any way to recover what has been lost and get back on track to a long-term relatioship?

 

Please help me!

[mhowe]

He isn't going to change --- so, can you deal with his level of insecurity and passive aggressive behavior?

You hug someone and you have to cancel the evening. And instead of going somewhere else, he goes home and "passes out".

 

I would find an adult to have a relationship with --- not this teenaged (31) year old.

[DancingFool]

"I cannot fix him!" - print this out in big letters and plaster it all over your house and repeat it to yourself 50 times before breakfast until it finally sinks in.

 

Your behavior is normal, his reactions are bat crazy. Even given his history, his behavior is not excusable. You cannot fix him, he can only fix himself and for as long as you condone his behavior and molly coddle his nonsense, he has no incentive to fix himself. This guy won't feel secure even if you lock yourself up in a convent for nuns because it's not you or anything that you do that's the problem. It's all him.

 

Here is something to think about for you. Does it ever occur to you that he has always been an unreliable, insecure person who will run away from everything at the drop of the hat? Have you stopped and thought for a moment that maybe, just maybe, his ex cheated on him because she got emotionally exhausted by his bs? Not saying that what she did was right, but nevertheless, that she may have had cause.

 

At the end of the day, what you see if exactly what you get. If you feel the need to fix and all your dreams and hopes of the future are hanging on condition of "I'll just fix this, that, and the other", then you would be wise to reconsider being with that person. You really can't fix someone, you can only take them as they are or you can't.

[SooSad33]

These are HIS issues and he needs to deal with it. He is overly jealous and it's affecting you two.

Suggest some counselling, since you think it's leftovers from his past experience.

 

I wonder if YOU should emphasize this stuff "I hate how he is hurt and upset"

Aslo- try putting this in writing, so he See's it.. see IF it'll sink in...

>> " I pride myself on never cheating on a boyfriend and I take infidelity very seriously and would never have the intention to ever be unfaithful"

And

>> "When I texted the friend back it was innocent and I had no intention of leaving my boyfriends house to meet up with his friends. "

>>"this is my chance to talk to him and try to show him how serious I am about being loyal to him and want to explain again that the conversations with his friends were just on a friend level"

 

If you can say or show this to him.. all of these pointers.. to TRY and get it thru to him. See IF he'll agree to work with you and with you admitting you won't hug any more 'friends'.. that's all you can do.

Yes, he does have his insecurities and YOU can only do/say so much for him. The rest is up to him.. if he denies having these issues and refuses some help,this may affect every relationship he could have...

[bulletproof]

 

You see, about six years ago my BF got divorced because his ex-wife cheated on him. I think he still has a lot of insecurities surrounding that portion of his life.

 

Then tell him to see a therapist about it and stop torturing you. This is never an excuse for immature, ridiculous behavior, which is exactly what your bf is exhibiting.

 

And while you're at it, you might want to consider therapy for yourself since you are actually considering never being "overly friendly" with a man again because of this guy's skewed perception of relationships.

[Daisy11]

Thanks everyone for your responses so far. I am so nervous to have the conversation with him tonite when he stops by to help me move stuff. I realize that I cannot "fix" him and that it is his issue about being insecure and only he can change that fact. I'm just so let down that he once again is running away from a future together. It's like we always come so close and then as soon as we get ready to take the next step he finds an excuse to run away. I think this time I just feel extremely guilty for making him upset/hurting him and so it's hitting me hard. I have had a pit in my stomach all day today thinking about it and how only two days ago everything was seemingly going perfect.

 

All I can do is apologize for the text messages and tell him that I understand why he is jealous because if I put myself in his shoes I don't think I'd want him texting my girlfriends after I had gone to bed either. The hug, well that's a bit extreme. I am a huge hugger that gives all of my friends male or female a hug hello and goodbye usually so I don't think I would really give a darn if he hugged one of my friends. But I can at least apologize for the text message and ask for another chance to prove to him that I can be trustworthy and loyal and see if he will give me another shot at it.

 

I hate this feeling. Any advice on how to stop dwelling on how good things were only a week ago? I keep thinking "if I only hadn't....." and it's creating a lot of anxiety.

[DancingFool]

But this problem is that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are trying to rationalize, to accept guilt when you didn't do anything wrong - do you see how toxic that is? You are clinging to this idea of a relationship you'd like to have with him if only he'd behave. The thing is that what you see with him is exactly what you get - a flaky man.

 

Another problem I have with this is that maybe you need to face reality that he really doesn't want to be with you for the long haul. If he really did, he'd be quietly working away at his issues and doing whatever he can to make the relationship with you work. As it is right now, it sounds like when it comes to the long haul, you are doing all the pulling and pushing and just when you think you got him cornered, he breaks away. Does that sound healthy to you? Normal? The picture of two people wanting a life together? You know at least in your gut that the answer is no.

 

If you stick around for longer with him, this icky feeling will be with you every single day. There will just be other things to feel bad and guilty about. You stressed him out because you had to stay an hour later at work. You stressed him out because a male co-worker called about work. You stressed him out because you smiled at some man in the store that you didn't even realize that you did. There will always be some absurd, ridiculous reason to feel bad, feel icky, feel down. You'll be walking on so many eggshells, you'll forget how to laugh. You just can't prove to someone that you are trustworthy - it is not possible. Why not? Because all the crap is manufactured in their head and has nothing to do with you. You are just the vessel they pour all their crap out on. A figurative punching bag and no, getting any kind of commitment from him won't change the situation or what's in his head.

[bulletproof]

 

All I can do is apologize for the text messages and tell him that I understand why he is jealous because if I put myself in his shoes I don't think I'd want him texting my girlfriends after I had gone to bed either. The hug, well that's a bit extreme. I am a huge hugger that gives all of my friends male or female a hug hello and goodbye usually so I don't think I would really give a darn if he hugged one of my friends. But I can at least apologize for the text message and ask for another chance to prove to him that I can be trustworthy and loyal and see if he will give me another shot at it.

 

You have nothing to apologize for. He needs help. Why are you hoping for another shot at a dysfunctional relationship?

[Daisy11]

DancingFool, thank you thank you thank you for your post. This is what I needed to hear (read?). I know what you said above is right and I need to pull it together and find some inner strength to truly realize all of this. Our back and forth has gone on for TWO YEARS so far and although I hate very much to admit it, I don't think it's going to change. I know it isn't.

 

I want it to. I want it to be "right" so very much and have yearned for a real and stable relationship with him over this entire time. But when you said I am clinging to the idea of the relationship that hit home. I always think about what it COULD be versus what it really is. It's so sad to me! I don't know if I'm even going to try to have a talk with him tonite about all of this. I might just let him help me move my patio furniture and thank him and go on with my own night by myself. At first I wanted to take the opportunity to discuss all of this with him in the open but now I'm realizing maybe since he said he wants to be "just friends" that I take it as that and leave it alone??? Ouch.

[Daisy11]

You have nothing to apologize for. He needs help. Why are you hoping for another shot at a dysfunctional relationship?

 

Good point. I don't know!!!! One thing is for sure, I'm really glad I posted on ENA today and got some insight from all of you. You have truly helped me opened my eyes a bit to all of this. I started the day blaming myself, feeling down and guilty about it all and now I'm realizing that it's more HIM than ME. Thank you.

[Ms Darcy]

Then he follows this up with a phone call to me saying that the dinner we had planned to talk about moving our reltionship forward is cancelled and that he wants to be "just friends". We were so close to moving forward to where we want to be! He is so worried and insecure about this kind of thing. I would happily delete all of his friends numbers from my phone and commit to never hugging them or being overly friendly with any other man again in my life.

 

You were sooooo close ... to an emotionally abusive relationship filled with jealousy and insecurity.

 

The fact you would have considered that to make him feel better is disturbing. Insecure adults are a never-ending well of unsatisfaction. Nothing you could do would make him really feel better. Just temporary bandaids. And you start to accept becoming a pretzel as the norm. AND SO DOES HE. It becomes manipulative ... he knows all he has to do is pout and make threats to make you do what he wants.

 

You were never really close to moving the relationship forward. If this guy has some level of commitmentphobia - as he has shown for the past couple of years - there is always going to be SOMETHING that makes him pull away. Thus, all of the pushing and pulling.

 

Consider this article: link removed

[Daisy11]

 

Consider this article: link removed

 

Thank you for the article...... reading it was eerily scary regarding how "on point" it was to the situation I'm in. So last night when he was supposed to come help me move the furniture and I was going to attempt to have this talk with him, he cancelled. Kind of.

 

I texted him when I was on my way home and he told me he was still working at a side job. He said it was going to have to be tomorrow (which is today) and I replied that I can't tonite since I have dinner plans with coworkers. I then didn't get a response from him until he called at 9:15 pm to tell me he could come over then and help me move everything. Well I'm sorry but I work my butt off on a daily basis and by 9:15 at night I'm in my PJ's ready to be in bed by 10:00. It was not such an emergency that the patio furniture needed to be moved at that time. Oh, but it worked for him so...........

 

I told him to just forget it, that I'll have some other friends help me and that I didn't want to be such a burden on his busy schedule. He then, sensing I was getting annoyed, said in a sweet sweet voice "Oh baby, you're not a burden on me, never with this kind of stuff, I'm happy to help you". Well then where the heck was he at 7:00 when we originally planned for him to come over?!

 

I'm so upset / annoyed / angry / let down. Mostly at myself. The back and forth has gone on and on for too long and I can't believe I'm dealing with this once again with him.

[metrogirl]

So then don't deal with it. Nip it in the bud and move on to someone that appreciates you for you.