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You will heal if you stick to NC - Update


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Hi everyone,

I figured it was time i actually posted an update here. I should probably have done it when it got to the 1 year mark but here i am anyway.

It's but just a couple months over a year since my breakup (September 2012).

 

All i can say is the best advice i was given was from this forum. To stick to NO CONTACT! It was god-sent advice because i would not be where i am now if i hadn't listened.

 

My relationship was a 6 year one, and my ex had just up and left me for another woman he met at work. I had no idea. He denied everything till he was blue in the face, which made me feel worse, because i knew he was lying.

So you can imagine the pain and suffering i put myself through. The not knowing for sure. The 'who is she' thoughts that would plague my mind constantly.

If this forum had not told me to go NC, i would have spent a long time contacting him, through any means and clinging onto hope he would come back.

Luckily, i did find out who this woman was, and it helped me turn the attention on looking after myself. My attitude changed from how to get him back, to doing everything i could to heal myself so i would never relent and take him back if he changed his mind.

 

I decided to take on new hobbies, see friends, family, work,... anything to get me out of the house and in the company of other people.

STRICTLY no dating!! I couldn't even LOOK at another man during this time anyway. Even if Brad Pitt himself had approached me i wouldn't have noticed.

I made a point of making myself so tired that i would have to just collapse into bed at the end of the day.

Yes, it was drastic, but it did help me tremendously and gave my brain other things to focus on.

I did still think about him every spare minute i had though, but i knew it was ok, and it was just my brains way of processing the pain i was in.

 

I had lost a LOT of weight the first couple of months because i couldn't eat, or sleep properly. But this improved, and i started to enjoy life again over the following months. New friends, new hobbies etc. EXERCISE!

 

You go through all different emotions at different times, and some last longer than others. The latest emotion i had to deal with was anger. And my anger was extreme to where i would wake up in the night with my heart beating out of my chest. It took quite a while to go, and i can safely say i rarely feel any extreme emotion towards him anymore.

 

 

My ex will be getting married to this girl next week. And you know what? I feel fine. I honestly don't care anymore. I have seen updated pictures of them together, and i feel nothing. I always think 'What on EARTH did i ever see in him?'.

I knew then that i was healing very well. Removing everything from social media helps tremendously. I can't stress that enough. It's hard at first, but it helps you long term.

 

-----

 

Once i felt happy being single, and by myself, i decided i would put myself out there in the dating scene again.

I wouldn't have done this until i felt ready. It had been almost a year, and i decided that because i felt content being single, then my next relationship will not be a rebound.

I joined a dating site for a 2 month trial period, just to see what kind of guys were out there in my area. I certainly wasn't expecting to meet anyone significant.

I went on a date with a good looking guy, who was the same age as me at 30 yrs old.

We got along extremely well, and our first date lasted 6 hours, and we went to 5 different places.

During this date, we realized we used to be in the same class at college over 10 years ago. And used to hang out in the same group. Neither of us had recognized one another.

This guy has continued to blow my ex out of the water ever since. And i couldn't be happier my previous relationship ended.

 

You can read my previous threads on my recovery. I used to come here regularly to cry and seek out support. The support here is phenomenal and i thank each and every one of you who reached out to me in my time of pain and anguish.

 

I still read here most days and chime in when i feel i can help. But to those who are fresh in their breakups, please know that it DOES and WILL get better. I promise. And always remember that NC is the best you can do to help yourself and your happiness.

 

Limiya XXXX

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Great post. Thanks for taking the time to share your story. And I'm very happy that you have found someone even better.

 

I've found through each breakup I learn lessons. And I also feel each guy I see sets the bar higher for the next man. Each guy I date is better than the last one in some shape or form.

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Thanks for such a wonderful post.

 

Your breakup was just a few months before mine and I've always been inspired by your strength and grace under such painful circumstances. I can't say how happy it makes me to hear things are going so well for you -- and with a new guy, to boot!! xo

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Great post. Thanks for taking the time to share your story. And I'm very happy that you have found someone even better.

 

I've found through each breakup I learn lessons. And I also feel each guy I see sets the bar higher for the next man. Each guy I date is better than the last one in some shape or form.

 

Great attitude to have in such situations. It's difficult to keep a positive outlook when you're in the thick of it usually.

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Thanks for such a wonderful post.

 

Your breakup was just a few months before mine and I've always been inspired by your strength and grace under such painful circumstances. I can't say how happy it makes me to hear things are going so well for you -- and with a new guy, to boot!! xo

 

Thank you so much.

I certainly didn't feel strong or that i was dealing with things at all when i was going through it. The pain and desperation tends to cloud your judgement during such high emotional upheaval.

I know i had more than one occasion where i came close to jumping in the car, driving to this new womans house and pounding the sh*t out of her in more ways than one. LOL

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Very good to hear- of your experience and that you're doing better.

Thank you for this post, today. Though I am still 'struggling' with much of what you mentioned.. I am not giving up on myself.

I Know what I must do in order to 'deal with and accept', with everything.

 

It does take some time.. to recover from something so deep. It's been a hell of a half year for me.

Still some days, being emotional.. but it's sad part of life, I know..and " I'm Not Alone".

 

Yes, this site has had amazing input & understanding. It has helped in many ways. Best thing is.. keep going.

 

One day at a time- is my motto.

 

Thanks again.. all the best to you!

tc

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Very good to hear- of your experience and that you're doing better.

Thank you for this post, today. Though I am still 'struggling' with much of what you mentioned.. I am not giving up on myself.

I Know what I must do in order to 'deal with and accept', with everything.

 

It does take some time.. to recover from something so deep. It's been a hell of a half year for me.

Still some days, being emotional.. but it's sad part of life, I know..and " I'm Not Alone".

 

Yes, this site has had amazing input & understanding. It has helped in many ways. Best thing is.. keep going.

 

One day at a time- is my motto.

 

Thanks again.. all the best to you!

tc

 

Thanks for the message.

6 months isn't a long time to be honest. However, if you keep working hard at helping yourself as much as possible, then you will find that when you DO start to heal, it will pick up more momentum as time goes on, and one day you'll realize you don't even hurt anymore and feel indifferent.

A lot of our pain also lingers more because we internalize our hurt and blame ourselves so much. We give ourselves such a hard time when we should be taking care of our hearts and slowly piecing them back together.

You'll get there. Keep it up. keep reaching out too.

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lim it fills me so much happiness to see YOU happy ...I know you went to hell and back

and I wish you love and happiness xxx

 

Hey Hey!!

You really helped me in my many hours of need, as did many on this board at the time. I couldn't be more grateful.

And yes, I AM happy. Even if i was alone for the rest of my life i will be happy, because i like who i am, and i enjoy what i do with my life. Woohoo

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Bravo Limiya !

We shared similiar timelimes and reasons for our relationships ending: both 6 years long +/- and both left under false pretenses for someone else waiting in the wings or secretly already in the picture.

I am so glad you stayed strong and weathered the storm - you have come out the other side stronger and wiser for having gone thru the experience.

I am two years post BU come January, and while I dont post as much as I used to, I still check in here from time to time...always great to see someone from my "heartbreak timeframe" post an uplifting story of how they made it.....thanks for doing so and I wish you continued success in your new relationship !

 

~ SC67

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Thanks for the update Limiya. I'm doing NC with my ex too but having a hard time checking his facebook once in a while. He unfriended me long time ago but I still go and see his public posts on his wall sometime. Everytime I do that, it brings me down and sometime I cry. Did you do strict NC or did you go check his facebook etc... like me too?

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Yes. I kept in limited contact for nearly two months after she broke up with me and it helped temporarily but I was in SO MUCH PAIN. So finally, I went NC without saying anything about it and after ending things on a positive note (a really beautiful night together, a short but sweet e-mail) and then just complete silence for the past 50 days or so. I feel... so much better. I cried last night for cartharsis but really, I hadn't cried in almost a month prior to that; all I can say is: when we were in contact, I cried every day, nearly all day for over a month. I am in so much of a better spot today. And I truly wanted to marry this person for so long. Take it for what it's worth.

 

edit: I still want to marry her but if I never talk to her again, I will be okay. Sometimes you just have to set boundaries and stick to principles, and in this case, that's what I am willing to do because she crossed some lines in my mind: i.e. being with another guy directly post-BU. I can do without someone who would do that to me.

 

I have never in my life regretted anything, no matter how hard it was, due to adhering to a personal code of honor... in this case, refusing to be with someone who lies, etc.

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I haven't been on here in a while, and this was the first thread I saw! I'm so happy for you Limiya. I know how badly and how complex the pain is when you are left for another, and I think you've handled it better than me! It has taken me two years to get to the point where you are - yikes!

 

Hey FFF

Long time no see. I've been lurking recently too and not posting as much.

I'm glad you're feeling so much better now. I bet when you look back at your progress and how far you've come it is amazing the difference.

I know for sure i never wish to revisit that awful place i was in ever again.

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Bravo Limiya !

We shared similiar timelimes and reasons for our relationships ending: both 6 years long +/- and both left under false pretenses for someone else waiting in the wings or secretly already in the picture.

I am so glad you stayed strong and weathered the storm - you have come out the other side stronger and wiser for having gone thru the experience.

I am two years post BU come January, and while I dont post as much as I used to, I still check in here from time to time...always great to see someone from my "heartbreak timeframe" post an uplifting story of how they made it.....thanks for doing so and I wish you continued success in your new relationship !

 

~ SC67

 

Hey SC67,

Great to see some familiar names popping up. And thank you for the well wishes too. I hope you're doing good.

Yeah we had such similar experiences, and so that's why it always helped coming here to post my worries and concerns with people going through the same pain as i was.

I'd hate to revisit that time again, but i know if it did happen, i have every confidence i will pull through it. If you can do it once as they say. X

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Thanks for the update Limiya. I'm doing NC with my ex too but having a hard time checking his facebook once in a while. He unfriended me long time ago but I still go and see his public posts on his wall sometime. Everytime I do that, it brings me down and sometime I cry. Did you do strict NC or did you go check his facebook etc... like me too?

 

I went strict NC from the beginning.

However i did have my moments where i slipped later on as i was feeling a bit stronger. I did peek at his mothers FB account when she sent me messages that he was engaged, and then i snook another look months after that to see if i still felt anything.

I don't recommend checking FB at all. If i were you i would put his page on the blocked list too. Don't beat yourself up if you do check though. We are only human and it's our nature, it's just that it holds you back a little bit in your healing process.

 

You're doing a good job. Keep it up.

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Good post.

Your principles and beliefs can really save you from some long term heartache at times. Keep it up. NC speeds up your recovery dramatically.

If you ever find yourself in such a situation again (Hopefully not) then you know what to do to help yourself get through it.

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I liked your story. I think it's symbolic today for me because instead of reading things in the "breaking up" section I am looking in the "healing after breaking up" section. I think it's a lot to do with confidence. You need to get your confidence back and then you will think "What did I see in him?!". Mine made an effort to break down all my confidence over a year and he's done pretty well actually. And then dumped me (for the second time but has stayed away for six weeks this time) listing all my many flaws (Probably to continue with ruining my confidence). So I think this is why this break up has been so devastating for me, because I have no confidence. Going NC was at first just something I knew I had to do to protect myself because he has hurt me so much I physically couldn't carry on talking to this horrible man. But then I have moments of thinking it might help us to reconcile or to make him miss me you know? It's funny the thoughts you go through while having NC. I think in a way my ex wants me to beg for him to come back (he is an insecure abusive man)but after me telling him I think he's making a mistake I really don't see the need to beg so I'm not going to. Anyway, I digress...going NC is very very hard but it's necessary.

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