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Recent break up- thinking of this letter


ptw1972

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Hi all

 

I recently split up with my ex of five years, although i ended it, it was her that was unhappy

- mainly because the onus was on me to relocate to turn this from a LDR into a full time relationship

 

I said several times that i would do it, but like an idiot i backed out..it seemed so hard to leave everything

including the only job ive ever known

 

I deeply regret what ive done- and have offered to do what it takes, she hasnt said no reconcilliation but seems to think i wont follow through my promises because i havent in the past.

 

I know i would. But i cant convince her.

 

We have spoken via email a little and she has been mixed, but leaning towards no reconcilliation

 

I have thought i would send her a hand written letter, and then try to move on-

 

One thing she was always mad on is maltesers- i can remember going all around the shops with her

our first xmas trying to find them, and was thinking of putting a pack in with the letter

 

I think ive lost her so reconcilliation is not the foremost emotion in my mind, when we split in person it was all

so rushed, and emotional i didnt really get chance to express my feelings.

 

Below is what i was going to send- is this too much?

 

The goal i suppose is to let her know i will do what it takes, let her know how i feel..

but also make her realize i will move on with my life and hopefully raise some happy memories.

 

 

Dear xxx

 

Sometimes it is too easy to fire off a text, an email or a facebook message without thinking

- putting things down onto paper helps me condense my thoughts and as you are on my mind

a lot i thought i would write to you.

 

Over the years, i have had many chances to take things from an LDR into something more, i have always

wanted to- but have never had the courage to do so. Like you i often thought a long commute would not work

long term, but the thought of leaving the only job i have ever known filled me with terror.

 

I cant turn back the clock, i know it is too late now. Perhaps it is true that to truly appreciate someone

you need to lose them.

 

But if i had my time again i would do things differently, i know you dont believe that - and i understand

why- ive accepted that now.

 

When i emailed you asking for you to try again, i wasnt looking for the chance to go back to how we were in

the old relationship- that relationship is dead. I was looking for a new relationship with you, and the chance

to make you fall in love with me again.

 

I do understand though that i cant sit around hoping you will want me back, so i will do my best to focus on

improving myself, and moving on and will learn from my mistakes with the next person i love.

 

I want you to know that although it has been a roller coaster ride for me as well, i have many many happy memories

of my times with you- i put the maltesers in because i saw them in the shop and they reminded me of our first xmas together, and the hours spent looking for that bucket you considered essential for a good xmas!! and the memory made me smile.

 

I didnt care that we were traipsing around half the night- all i cared was that i was with you. It just felt- right

 

Ive done some stupid things in the last five years, pushed you away.

 

I am not sure why to be honest, i think i can be an emotional person at times and the frustration came through.

 

But i want to thank you for all the good memories you have given me, whilst i wish the person you end up with

was me.. i do hope you find happiness and can tell you that whoever he is, he will be the luckiest man

i know

 

All my Love

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If you really love her, what are you waiting for? Go get her! No woman in her right mind would just take you back immediately after all your hesitating! You need to show her that you really are going to follow through. She probably loves you, but she sure as hell doesn't trust you, and who can blame her? You took her for a ride around the mountain! Don't just send her letters telling her you're going to move on. You dumped her! She knows you're going to move on! What that woman needs isn't a pack of maltesers; it's some concrete proof of your love and commitment.

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If you really love her, what are you waiting for? Go get her! No woman in her right mind would just take you back immediately after all your hesitating! You need to show her that you really are going to follow through. She probably loves you, but she sure as hell doesn't trust you, and who can blame her? You took her for a ride around the mountain! Don't just send her letters telling her you're going to move on. You dumped her! She knows you're going to move on! What that woman needs isn't a pack of maltesers; it's some concrete proof of your love and commitment.

 

My only option would be to walk out of my job on the HOPE she will give me another chance?

 

 

Is that what your suggesting?

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i would email her the letter rather than post let her know you have emailed her it. But iwould add in about how if she gave you the chance she could set the boundaries she could give specific dates for when she needs you to make the move by. Tell her you are willing to do anything for her. women want a man who will fight for them and your letter seems to be regretful but also like you have completely given up

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i would email her the letter rather than post let her know you have emailed her it. But iwould add in about how if she gave you the chance she could set the boundaries she could give specific dates for when she needs you to make the move by. Tell her you are willing to do anything for her. women want a man who will fight for them and your letter seems to be regretful but also like you have completely given up

 

I just thought a snail mail is more personal.

 

It would be a lot easier speaking face to face, but i doubt she will agree to meet, and obviously i wont turn up out of the blue like a stalker or something (besides a 4 hour journey to be told get lost would NOT be fun)

 

Thanks ill try an email.

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If you're too lazy to do the 4 hour drive, why don't you just call her and have a conversation?

 

Emails seem very safe to me. It would take more than an email to get me back, personally.

 

God no im not too lazy

 

id do a 24 hour journey to get a chance to speak to her for 10 mins

 

Im just worried that if i turn up with a massive bouquet or whatever she would find it stalker-like and the last thing i would want is that

 

Trust me, i have her keys still.. and i thought of taking them back to her personally

 

It is DEFINITELY not the time taken to get there bothering me

 

purely the fear that ill creep her out, i want her back, but dont want to be seen as stalker boy.

 

Just turning up, even if it is with a gigantic bouquet seems creepy?

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id do a 24 hour journey to get a chance to speak to her for 10 mins

 

Then do it, Mr. All Talk.

 

Call her up and let her know you're coming out to see her because you'd like to talk and let her know when so you don't just show up unannounced like a psycho.

 

Make it soon, within the week.

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Then do it, Mr. All Talk.

 

Call her up and let her know you're coming out to see her because you'd like to talk and let her know when so you don't just show up unannounced like a psycho.

 

Make it soon, within the week.

 

Im pretty sure she wont agree to it

 

basically she has said over this week a lot of things

 

1) If i move near her she MAY try again

 

2) Then she said if i move near her we WILL live together, but she isnt willing to get into deep conversation over it because she just doesnt think ill do it

 

3) We had been chatting heavily on email.. heck i booked in places to view, she seemed ok with it..said she would help me move etc and that we would move in together quickly.

 

4) Then i tried to call to talk about it all the next day

 

and she emailed me to say 'id rather not speak on the phone at the mo, we have split up until things changed'

 

so.. i kind of got annoyed, i said

 

'so im supposed to move near you without even speaking on the fone or seeing you to talk'

 

and things went downhill then- she started saying she isnt sure etc again..i felt like id taken a step backwards

by pushing with the call attempt.

 

to me trying again to fone, or turning up at her home will just make things worse.

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If you REALLY want to be together, I would quit my job and move to live with her.

 

Otherwise, walk away.

 

But meanwhile it sounds like she's had it with your wishy-washy non-committing..... you're going to need to take action if you want to get her back. There's no safety net sometimes in life.

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If you REALLY want to be together, I would quit my job and move to live with her.

 

Otherwise, walk away.

 

But meanwhile it sounds like she's had it with your wishy-washy non-committing..... you're going to need to take action if you want to get her back. There's no safety net sometimes in life.

 

Yeah she has, and i think nothing said by email will change her mind..

 

she did say 2 nights ago

 

that she always loves being with me and that has always been the case, and that she likes the idea of living with me and always has

 

she also said she just doesnt believe ill manage a 6 hour daily commute (3 hours each way)

 

i would give up my job now- i know what ive lost... its just if she is not taking calls ... i dont know what to do really, hence i thought snail mail.

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In her shoes I wouldn't consider your sending a letter to be a very big deal.

 

in her shoes how would you consider me taking an 8 hour journey to return her keys and asking her if she has time to go for a star bucks so i can apologize and talk?

 

on the one hand, doing an 8 hour round journey for an hours chat..shows its important to me, and im genuinly nervous about mailing her keys because her apartment neighbours have stolen parcels before

 

on the other hand, im REALLY worried about creeping her out or seeming 'psycho'.

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I think you should get your butt in the car and go see her.

 

If she doesn't want to talk, at least you can return her keys and know you tried your best.

 

But I think you've run out of time to be indecisive about quitting your job and moving in with her -- I wouldn't bother going to see her unless you're ready to do that immediately.

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I think you should get your butt in the car and go see her.

 

If she doesn't want to talk, at least you can return her keys and know you tried your best.

 

But I think you've run out of time to be indecisive about quitting your job and moving in with her -- I wouldn't bother going to see her unless you're ready to do that immediately.

 

Ok i will do it this weekend, and yes im willing to leave my job immediately

 

this will sound pathetic, but it will be worth the journey just to see her face for a few minutes even if she tells me to get lost...

 

BTW -thanks x

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I wouldn't worry about creeping her out. If anything it will only serve to prove that you are serious about being with her. Had you been insistent and jealous and stifling when you were with her, she probably wouldn't take you turning up on her doorstep out of the blue so well, but here it's a different scenario. You were hesitant and noncommittal. Personally, if my ex-boyfriend drove that far just to speak to me, I'd take the time to listen to what he had to say, and if I really loved him and he proved to me that he was serious about moving, I may reconsider. If you're worried, give her a call first. Tell her you're going to drive up to see her. I would make it affirmative - tell her rather than ask her (it will make you sound more certain about what you want). Good luck! I hope she says yes!

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You don't need to show up with a boquet...you just need to show up and have a genuine talk, followed by genuine action.

 

At this point, words from you are nothing but smoke.

 

I will, its just- like i said she doesnt want phone calls and basically said she just finds it hard to believe ill relocate cos ive said it before...

 

I just have a feeling she will see it as an invasion of privacy etc...

 

Hopefully as you say.. knowing i have an 8 hour round journey she will give me half hour to talk, and if not at least she has her keys back.

 

The language used has been mixed all week - from maybee its too late, telling me she isnt convinved by the commute being workable etc

 

to 'if you move we will live together'

 

and i am concerned turning up might push her the other way

 

but... i dont buy all this 'go NC to make her miss you and win her back' stuff..to me thats mind games and i dont want to play them

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Your case doesn't warrant NC. Because she will never call you or look back.

If you don't make an effort, it is over.

It may be too late for any effort, but you won't know until you try.

If you don't try --- consider it over.

 

I will, and yes it may be too late, we are still talking an hour a day (email), but i tend to initiate it, we chat like we used to really, and she is keeping me upto date on her health issues..the main difference is the lack of 'love you' and obviously no sex stuff

 

In my defense for being 'wishy washy' its always had to be ME that makes the sacrifice (leave job) her doing that has never been an option from day 1

 

I think as im seeing her sat morning ill stop contacting her in the meantime though (unless she initiates) so at least she has a few days space

 

Its a hard habit to break, its been LDR for 5 years now, and when apart we have never gone a full day without talking even when we argued....

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mainly because the onus was on me to relocate to turn this from a LDR into a full time relationship

 

I said several times that i would do it, but like an idiot i backed out

 

Why the onus is on you, I am not sure. But --- since you said you would --- and haven't....the ball remains in your court.

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mainly because the onus was on me to relocate to turn this from a LDR into a full time relationship

 

I said several times that i would do it, but like an idiot i backed out

 

Why the onus is on you, I am not sure. But --- since you said you would --- and haven't....the ball remains in your court.

 

She always maintained she would never leave her job for anyone again, ten years ago she left to move in with her ex, it went wrong within months (total relationship was under a year)

 

somehow she got her job back, but once burned....

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She always maintained she would never leave her job for anyone again, ten years ago she left to move in with her ex, it went wrong within months (total relationship was under a year)

 

somehow she got her job back, but once burned....

 

well this has all taken a dramatic turn!!!!

 

she txted me a .... picture of a positive pregnancy test!!!

 

gonna take a hpt up tomorrow to confirm

 

if positive, im moving the day after, and WONT take no for an answer on retring

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UPDATE

 

Not sure if anyone is following this thread, but... i did the journey (8 hours round trip)... it looks like pregnancy was a false alarm

 

It was very nerve wracking turning up out of the blue when she wouldn't pick up the phone. I had visions of her telling me to get lost etc or slamming the door in my face.

 

I knocked the door - she answered and seemed stunned to see me, i said something stupid like 'dont worry i havent become a stalker'...

 

she just said dont be daft, come in. She was still in dressing gown, she hadnt showered yet

 

When i went in, first thing i noticed was she still had up all the toys i bought her, and had every card ive ever sent her on her coffee table (going back to 2008!)

 

At first it felt awkward, we went to kiss a million times then each time told each other it was innapropiate

 

She said she still loved me, and still wanted to be with me - but doesnt want any more ldr

 

She said im unreliable, because i never follow through with the big thing... moving jobs, although she said that last year when she was ill i WAS there for her (i used my entire years vacation to look after her)

 

She said she has NO interest in dating anyone else.. she isnt even thinking of it at all..and that if i now move within the next few months we can start a fresh relationship.

 

We went for some lunch, it felt horrid not holding her hand... then she asked me to hold her hand... i squeezed her hand and like a complete wimp i welled up (that was embarrasing)

 

we went back to hers, cuddled up and talked some more

 

we agreed that i am crap at following through, and that we follow a cycle..when im emotional i make promises i cant keep

 

we agreed we still love each other, and that our only fights have been over distance, but also agreed that i should take some time to think things through before making any promises job wise, and that basically she will believe it when ive actually moved... then the second i have moved we are back on

 

I do believe her on that, if i move she will definitely try again

 

But she also sent a few confusing messages, she wants me to take time - yet said she wants to be with me over xmas??

I think spending time with her while not WITH her would be hell to be honest.

 

Eventually we cracked, and had a long kiss... she said that i could stay the night..

 

I knew where that would lead, and i didnt want her to think id come for sex, so i left.

 

So... the ball is in my court.

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