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He wont Commit, Please help as Im losing it :(


Miss P

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Hi Everyone

 

Kindly advise. I will cut the story short.

2014 will mark exactly 6 years since BF and I started dating and our son will be turning 4 years old. Im 27 and Bf is 28.However I feel as though BF doesn't seem to be interested in us getting married. We both have proper jobs and doing well financially( enough to sustain a household). Im an open person and believe in communicating issues accross. I have spoken to him a MANY times about it because I need to know where I stand with him. His response is always "Lets hang in there, it will happen very soon". His father passed on 3 years ago left them a house(that's where he stays with his mother and 2 younger sisters.One of his reasons is that he 1st wants to help his mother with paying for his sister's University fees(which might take 3 more years for them to graduate ) and that his mother is now a single parent hence he should help out at home.(she is a Nurse by profession by the way )..I understand all that and I am being supportive but I feel as though my bf doesn't prioritize our relationship, Me and His son. He is taking a good care of us YES but all I want is for him to be with us and us to be proper parents to our son. Am I being unreasonable? He keeps reassuring me that he loves me, he doesn't wana lose me and that I should not worry as he will soon make me his queen. As much as I love him, I am slowly giving up. I don't wana end up sounding desperate and pressurizing him into marrying me. I want it to come from him as the man in this relationship. A part of me wants to walk away but another part is afraid of regretting losing him..Im extremely unhappy Please advice.

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The single mother he should be interested in helping is YOU. If you guys are in your late 20s, and there is no major age gap among his siblings - the kids are adults or at least of working age and there is no real need for him to be treating his mom like she has infants at home. The sister needs to get herself financial aid with the new information that there is less income - or to establish herself as a single head of household in her own apartment.

 

I think that any guy worth his salt would commit to a girlfriend who is pregnant or had his child if he is going to commit. If he won't commit after that, then he doesn't want to. You have every right after 6 years for him to crap or get off the pot.

 

But the other thing is - you have allowed yourself to give him things without him having have to commit to you - you have had a child and did not require commitment before hand .

 

Right now, you guys live separate and its like a divorced couple with visitation. Honestly, I would end it and go to court and arrange visitation as that is all you have basically right now and it would make you free to find someone who respects you. I am not for breaking up families - but there was no family unit here to begin with if you are still living apart.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. You should not wait until sister graduates because there is going to be another excuse . If this guy is not married to you and living in a household with you adn your child with him, he doesn't want to. He wants to take care of mom.

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Hi there,

 

Can you live with his family till he is finished supporting them financially, and then find a place of your own? How are your relationships with his family all together? You wont feel so left out if you all live together for some time. If this is not an option, I would agree with what abitbroken said.

Marrying him wont solve a thing if he has no interest in sharing a life with you, and I understand he lost his dad, but he puts you and your child through the same experience now - and that is not fair. It sound like he escapes his family and makes an excuse to do so that he is helping his family.

I also think his mom should understand that he MUST be with his child now, and not with his sisters. He can support them financially, its fine, totally, but he mustn't live there to do so.

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I agree with abitbroken.

 

This guy will never commit to you, there will always be something more important for him. He's typical mama's boy. I suggest you RUN and find a real man who is ready to be an adult and be responsible.

I would never be OK with my child coming second to his father!!! He put his grown up sister and his mother who is experienced in raising children over his infant son and his partner. He basically lets you be a single parent coz he's too afraid to grow up and be man of his OWN family!

Don't put up with this, if not for yourself than at least for the sake of your child.

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Hi abitbroken

 

Thanks a lot for being honest with me. The honest truth is that I know the answer already, nothing is left for me in this relationship yet I keep convincing myself that he will wake up tomorrow thinking straight. He has cheated on me, I walk away and he begged for forgiveness and promised me heaven and earth. This year in January I discovered that I was pregnant(unplanned). We sat down and I explained that I really need him to make up his mind as I cant have baby number 2 while staying separately. He agreed to make things right(getting married and moving in together). 8 weeks down the line I miscarried.. And since then he hasn't discussed any plans of moving in with me or anything like that anymore.

I'm very sorry for bombarding you with my problems It is just that I feel safe explaining this to someone who doesn't know me personally as I feel they wont judge me or anything. I love him with all my heart. He is good father to his son. But why do I have to beg him to make me his priority? Sometimes I feel as though I'm unreasonable because he has his own family issues(Mother and siblings) to maintain. But then again when will it come to an end? He tells me everyday that he loves and doesn't wana lose me, but Im not happy at all.

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Thanks a lot guys. As painful as it is, I cant base my own happiness in the arms of some1 who cannot make an effort to make me and his own son happy. There are a whole lot of guys out there who would kill to have what he has, yet he is taking us for granted. I just have to be a brave woman about this whole thing and concerntrate on my personal happiness. Posting in here was my last resort and I knew that I will find honest people who will tell it like it is, I am grateful. As I draw up my New Years Resolution list atleast I now know what goes with me into 2014 and what remains behind.

 

Thanks a lot. Much Love.

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Miss P, you are one of the rare people who comes on this site and is ready to hear the truth no matter how much it hurts. It says a lot about you!

I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to break up with someone you love but just keep in mind that your son and you are the most important right now. Your son deserves to grow up in a real family.

 

Good luck!

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Miss P, I truly sympathize. Your man sounds like he has an unhealthy bond with his mom. She may be a wonderful woman, but if she has any sense she should kick him out of her house and tell him to look after his own family. All he's done since his father passed on is replace him as his mother's husband. That's just plain sick. Any psychotherapist would immediately recognize an unresolved Oedipus complex (you can Google that - it might help). A book you might want to read to gain some perspective is Mother Enmeshed Men: When He's Married to Mom, by Kenneth M. Adams. Let's be clear, this won't tell you what to do about your situation (only you can figure out what you need to do in order to live the life you want and deserve), but it will definitely be an eye-opener.

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I don't think you should give up. I think you should relax and take it with stride. As long as you are happy with him, with your child and all, so far so good.

I dont think you should feel like you have to 'rush' this idea of a marriage right now.

Your man IS busy, with feeling like he should now help not just his own little unit, but mom & sister now as well, and that is understandable.

He has already agreed with the fact but is there a need for you to keep inquiring? Does marriage mean things are going to be forever, with a piece of paper? No.

You two are both young & learning. Learning how to live a life together, love and now, raise a child.

So maybe just go with it for a while and leave the marriage idea on the backburner. Let him deal with all this other stuff he's got on his plate now.. don't pressure him into this.

 

If it's going to happen, it will, eventually. Whether it be in 6 months or 3 yrs from now.

I have an uncle who never married his wife for over 20 yrs. They had built a life together and had 2 boys in that time. Finally after all of these yrs. we learn he pruposed to her

 

See? No need to make a rush of this, at all, is there? It does not mean 'more love', at all.

I was with first ex..we married after 5 yrs BUT ended divorcing after 2 kids cause he was an alcy. Next relationship I did not marry him, but we were together another 7-8 yrs. Again, that ended.

 

So, whether it be a 10 yr relationship or 30 yrs..married or not. We never know. BUT has nothing to do with that piece of paper.

 

Take it easy, enjoy all you've got now.. easy off the pressure and let him deal with his other family issues too. He does love you and you love him, for now isn't this good enough?

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Don't for one minute move in with his family. You are not a priority now, and you will be less then. If you were a married couple and mom needed help and you both decided it was best to move in - that's another matter.

 

Sorry, Miss P.. I just read more.. about your unhappiness and what he's done.

IF you are not happy with him, than I guess the thing you should NOT do is marry him... true enough?

 

I am glad you have reread. I understand the "in stride" - but with a child together - it should be top, top priority to form a family and do what is the best interest of that family instead of making her wait. If they got pregnant on a one night stand, thats one thing - but 6 years AND a child, he is either interested or not - and they are not living as a family and blissfully happy.

 

This guy can still be a GOOD DAD and visit his son, but that doesn't make him a husband or part of a family. He can have visitation and take his son places and visit him but with no spousal relationship - not even in a "playing house" sort of way - it just stinks all around.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. There are times our folks need help but putting ALL of their needs over that of your own mother of your child and child is just wrong.

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