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Dumped in China after 6 years.


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Hey,

 

My partner and I were a few weeks off our 6th anniversary, which would have been next weekend. I am 33, he is 31 and he left me 6 weeks ago. I have been doing alright. Haven't cried properly. Haven't gone out and gotten drunk or anything.

 

He left cuz he said we were too different, no common interests. And that we have different wants out of life. This is all well and good, and true too. Maybe breaking up is for the best, I accept that and we had discussed this before. I suppose I just wonder where "opposites attract and you're my choice" stopped being his feelings. I wonder why our love wasn't enough anymore.

 

A bit of background information here. I live in the armpit of China (I am British) and we had been in China together for four years; in this little town for two. We work in the same school. His classroom is below mine. The foreign community here is tiny and even local friends are mutual. Not many people speak English here.

 

I don't want to paint too bleak a picture here. I was utterly in love with my life before he left. I had never been happier. Relationship aside, I love, love LOVE living in China. I am learning Chinese. I don't have much by way of family, so no need to miss home. I adore travelling.

 

I don't "mind" that he left but his behaviours since has been shocking. He moved out from me to his best friend's place. His best friend wouldn't talk any money or anything. But my ex, a few days after leaving me, got with his best friend's on-off gf, a local girl who - yes, it gets worse -s also a prostitute. I could depress myself going into the full story but suffice it to say, my ex, having left me to be single and do the things he wanted to do, who left me cuz he didn't want to get married...got a place and moved in with her a couple of weeks after he left me. He said he would marry her if he things went well, but it had been too soon to marry me, after 6 years. He also said it was cos we couldn't afford a wedding. Well, our salaries are good and he spends £100 a night drinking, no problem. We could so easily have saved money. We neither of us have money worries, thankfully, so there was plenty leftover to save.

 

Meanwhile, the friend he treated so badly...my ex and the prostitute have gone crazy. They are trying to get the friend deported, and as you don't mess with the Chinese authorities, this could well be on the cards. I get the prostitute, she wants revenge on JJ...but I don't know why MY ex has changed so much. He set up JJ by phoning him, saying he could listen to him and the girl having sex and then when JJ made threats, recorded it and went to the police. JJ is currently waiting to see if he will be deported.

 

I have had a rough life and am very practical. That side of things is fine. For lots of reasons, I am stuck here until April. But I am already planning my new life in a big city, something I couldn't have done before because my ex doesn't have the right qualifications. I have reached out to people in my hour of need and gotten support. It's sooooo hard being away from my friends at home. Nobody here has known me very long. And my Chinese friends, while amazing, have a different approach to break-ups culturally. This has given me both a refreshingly different perspective but has also failed to comfort me.

 

I have taken care of myself. Cooked well for myself, gone on trips, avoided alcohol etc. And I clearly dodged a bullet. So why this deep, deep unhappiness?

 

His actions are not my problem or business anymore. But the fact I loved someone so much who could change so much...one of his defining qualities was his honesty and goodness...and now he is lying to everyone, being devious and treating his friends shockingly. He doesn't love this prostitute and the fact is, out here, a Western guy can have his pick of beauties so he didn't need to pick this girl. It's worked out well for me, cuz I have no jealousy of her, or issues with him picking someone better, more attractive etc. She is so awful that these things don't even come into it.

 

I am so confused that someone I loved has acted so badly. I am devastated that I have lost my only family unit - his. And my sense of belonging. I know being dumped in China will ultimately make me an even stronger person than I already am, but I miss the comfort of belonging to someone. I have no reason to rush home anymore. Nobody to share in-jokes with. And yet I can't miss him or wish he hadn't done it cos he is truly such an awful person now. Was he always this awful?

 

He wasn't a great bf, I clearly see that. This really is an opportunity for me. I mean to enjoy myself as much as possible and throw myself into my hobbies, studies of Chinese, and Chinese friends, cos I never expected to be single again and this may be the last chance I ever get. I haven't been single since the age of about 20. It's just so lonely to be dumped in China, with a time difference meaning I can't really speak to my friends. I really need to cry but there is nobody to cry on. I miss the old, sunny me. I miss belonging. I am so, so unhappy.

 

I hadn't cried in a week, but this last week has been rough. I never expected him to turn into such a, well, insert bad word beginning with 'C' as appropriate!

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Haha! This is true too. He has never had problems in his life before and I think he didn't expect the break-up to be so difficult. So he is dealing with things badly and making bad choices. I am trying to be forgiving of him in this way, because I think that will bring me peace...but it's an uphill struggle...

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