When is it okay to have the "past relationships" conversation?

[TheOutsider1]

I've been talking to this guy for a little over two months now, we met online. We finally met in person about 3 weeks ago, so we have only gone on 3 dates so far. We are both kind of shy and introverted so you guys can imagine how the conversations go and that is we run out of things to say often. So we have talked about personal things and everything else but we haven't talked about our past dating/relationships. I read somewhere that there is a rule about not bringing up past relationships so soon at the beginning of dating. I'm looking for suggestions and opinions about what you guys think of when would it be a good time to have this conversation.

[SpottiOtti]

I don't see that talking about past relationships has a lot of value until trust is established between you.

[missmarple]

It depends on many things.

First of all, I wouldn't bring up my past relationships if I didn't feel very comfortable with the guy. You open up easier to some people if or because they're also open with you. If the guy seemed shy or reserved, I'd wait for a while.

Second, it depends on the sort of relationships. There's a world of difference between 'I left my ex because he cheated on me (or we fought all the time or we wanted different things etc)' and 'I was in an abusive relationship/my ex beat me up/my ex was a drug user or I was a drug user..etc' Some people aren't able to handle really serious information during the first stages of dating (I'm one of them).

Also, talking about past relationships doesn't mean you should go on and on and on about them. I've dated guys who just wouldn't stop talking about their exes. I remember one case when I had just asked 'so, how did your last relationship end?' and the guy was talking for 20 minutes! By the end of it, I had forgotten the question

[t1lersm0m1]

I try not to talk about past relationships, unless to generalize. For example, my most recent ex did not deal with conflict well. If there was tension between us, he ignored me, which drove me INSANE. So the new guy I'm with said something about not liking conflict. And I was like really...so I told him about the ex, very generally, and he was like "Oh no, if there's something not right between us, I want to communicate and fix it, I would never ignore you, that's childish."

 

But other than stuff like that, I try not to talk about exes.

[TheOutsider1]

That's very good advice, thanks guys. I'll rephrase my question. I'm mostly interested in how long was his longest relationship and how long has he been single, would that be appropriate? and if so, is it too soon?

[missmarple]

I always ask that question on the first date or before. I'm surprised you've been talking for 2 months and haven't talked about that yet.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, I would definitely ask when his last serious relationship was. I asked my current guy (it's been 2+ years for him). So I know he's not pining away for someone like my last ex.

 

I also like to know how long their longest relationship is. If he's 30+ and longest relationship is 6 months, that's an issue for me.

 

However, the reason his past relationships ended really isn't important, and he may lie anyway about that. So I would steer clear of that question. For example, last year I had very low self esteem and pushed a guy away then went batty. LOL. If I ever bring him up to men, I tell them we split up because of the distance.