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Things sure look like they're ending.


clueless11

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I'm hurting a lot right now. I know I've made some stupid mistakes in this relationship, like getting married so quickly, so please try not to dwell on those things.

 

Background: my husband is in the military. I met him where he was stationed. We got married after a month and a half of knowing each other (I know) and got a house.

 

He apparently 100% committed into this marriage with me. I, on the other hand, was terrified of him and although I really should have committed, I didn't fully, and I hate myself for it. I didn't trust him all the way and was selfish and self protecting in case things went poorly and he decided to leave me, like men seem to do.

 

I was going to start a 40hr/ week internship and decided to get a part time job (stressful) just so I wouldn't be solely using his money and not contributing.

 

Our roommates bailed on us, we lost our house and had to move in with friends (stressful)

 

I kept up with the internship and job and never got to spend time with my husband. He started doing intermural sports and we would neeever see each other. During this period, things started getting really bad. Sex dwindled, I was exhausted and beeotchy about a lot of unnecessary stuff.

 

We get our own house. Yay!

 

Internship lasts three months, things are still not great, but getting better. Very slowly. Trust of mine begins to build.

 

During the internship time and everything, he kept begging me to change things because he felt I wasn't as committed as I should be, and I wasn't. He was absolutely right. I screwed up hard, but I figured our relationship could handle all the stress and I put working on us off until it was over. So I kept saying I'd fix it and I wouldn't. I hated myself for it, but I was being stupid.

 

We started going to therapy. A week ago we went to a session and apparently some of the things I said came off as horrifically selfish and pushed him over the edge with our almost year long relationship.

 

Ever since then he's been so mad and I've tried to talk about it and he's told me what I've done wrong and now he can't trust me when I say I'll fix it, but I've said it many times before and not done anything.

 

But I've figured out the problem with me now, and he's almost all but given up. I'm selfish, I took advantage of him, took the chances he gave me for granted.

I hope this all made sense. I gave him the weekend alone, and it didn't seem to help.

 

I want to fix this now. I regret so much and now he doesn't know if he can stick his neck out for me again and keep giving when we will have to move accross the country soon and then he will be deploying.

 

He's still wobbling about whether he thinks we will work, but he hasn't completely given up yet. It does look like we will be living apart for a while though. He will be looking into that. But he hasn't given up and I'm here, without my self protecting armor on, ready to 100% commit and fix this.

 

So please. Someone help me. Please give me advice. He's a wonderful man and I would hate to lose him. I love him so much. And we are both hurting so much right now.

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What exactly did you say during this therapy session?

 

How much time do you have to get the relationship on track before he's deployed?

 

All you can really do is continue to let him know that you want to make it work. And by the way, most reasonable people wouldn't fully trust someone 1.5 months after meeting them, regardless of whether they married that person. So don't beat yourself up for that.

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A huge issue is the therapist always seems to agree with me, which is understandably frustrating for him. The subject of kids came up and I said something along the lines of "I feel he doesn't care about my future very much as I'll be the one who's life is ruined by children.

 

We have about 4 months before he goes somewhere else.

 

And Hahahaha thank you, I thought that was pretty reasonable, but he feels since he completely sold out to this (somehow) I was supposed to do the exact same. I wish I had, but at the time I couldn't. We got married so I wouldn't have to move away since I was finished with school. He 100% trusted me by some weird miracle and is very hurt that I wasn't.

 

My friend suggested I start with the small things. Laundry, making his lunch. I just don't want to cross the line of trying to show him I want to try vs being obnoxious and acting like nothing is wrong.

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I've never really wanted kids. But since I've gotten with this guy, I've actually been thinking about it down the road. I wouldn't do it now, but for almost three months I've thought about him being the father of my child daily. I brought this up to him after the therapy fiasco and he doesn't believe me. He says back tracking now, but I'm not! I've even thought of names I like and imagine him playing in the yard with our child.

 

I would drop quiet hints I had been thinking about it, but I guess he wasn't picking up what I was putting down.

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I talked to a mutual friend last night and she gave me some hope. It seems like he's showing the worst side to me, but talking more hopefully to his friends. Odd, but maybe he's subconsciously testing me to see if I really want this as badly as I say I do. Or is that crazy?

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I didn't want to throw too much info up in the original post haha.

 

No cheating.

We see each other at least every night, but there for a while, we would seriously only be seeing each other at bedtime.

We haven't seperated yet.

No abuse.

We are both very young. 22 and 23.

 

We got married so I wouldn't have to move away. Wrong reasons to do it, but I don't regret it.

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Rushing, impulsiveness and having the/your future all figured out is a symptom of the ailment called youth. No one should expect anything less from someone your age.

 

So I think there must be more to the story.

 

Thinking back objectively, could you now say you were compatible?

Did you meet each other's families before the wedding?

 

PS, Did/who mention separtion?

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Well, if he really wants kids, and you're saying things like children will 'ruin' your life, it could be that he's realizing that perhaps you and he don't want the same things in life. Many young men in the military do marry too young and unwisely because they want a sense of stablity and home when they're deployed. so they leap into it and do it not because they even know the person well, but because they want someone to fill that role.

 

And if he wants kids now and you are talking about them like they're a burden, he may just be questioning whether you two have enough in common in terms of goals and values, and also whether you are mature enough to make this marriage work. You genuinely didn't really know each other after only 1.5 months, and perhaps the problem is now that you two are getting to know each other, he is deciding you are not compatible and it won't work.

 

So my suggestion is that you just be yourself with him, and treat him with respect and kindness. and if that doesn't work, then the reality is that you probably aren't right for each other, and it is better to find that out now and divorce than bring a child into this that you will not really want and regret if the marriage doesn't work out. Commitments to each other really aren't relevant if you two really aren't compatible, so what you need to do now is to try to spend as much time with him as possible to do the 'dating' that the two of you skipped over in your hasty marriage, and learn whether you both really like each other and mesh well together or not. If you don't, then the truth is it is better to cut your losses at the end of the 4 months when he leaves and just recognize the marriage was a mistake and divorce and get on with your lives.

 

If you discover yourselves getting closer when you spend more time together, then that is a positive sign that you can make the marriage work. But you can't make him like you or want to be with you if he is really disillusioned with you or if now that the dust has settled he's discovered you're not right for each other. So just for now spend as much time together BEING YOURSELF and not trying to be someone you are not. If you are right for each other, it will work out. If you are not, that will become more evident as time passes.

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