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Tell me not to do it.


Kricket123

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Hi all,

 

I have posted about this guy before, and am seeking a little willpower from y'all at the moment.

 

Been dating for a month, and have been on 7 dates. He's been somewhat inconsistent/confusing in terms of contact, making me question his interest. Typically: we'd go out, have a great time, I wouldn't hear from him for a few days afterward so I'd send a quick text to say hi, and he'd immediately ask me out again when answering my text. He did, however, contact me on his own in the days following.

 

I went to his house on Wednesday night, we fooled around substantially more than before--all initiated by him, but he ultimately did not want to have sex (fine by me, but it's not like we were that far off from it). Stayed over for the first time.

 

Now, crickets. I sent him a quick text that evening after I left his house to ask how a meeting went, and he barely responded. That in and of itself is not a problem (if I'm driving and can't respond, I tend to let hours go by, etc), but not hearing from him now is a problem for me.

 

Everyone and their brother is telling me not to contact him. I think they are right. I'd like to think that, after 7 dates, if he wanted to break things off, at least he'd let me know. I don't want to let a guy I really like get away because of a silly "standoff" in terms of who contacts who. But, if he really wanted me for himself, he'd make sure to let me know. Right?

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You need to let him contact you. If you keep initiating contact, you are going to keep questioning his motives. If he contacts you, you will know he is genuinely interested.

 

However, it is a good sign he didn't want to have sex. Tells me he's not just after a booty call.

 

His lack of contact doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested (although it might). Some guys aren't good at pursuing. But I personally want a confident man who will pursue me. If you want the same, this may not be the guy for you. It doesn't make him a bad man, just not the man for you.

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Sounds like he's unsure of what he wants. One day he is all about a relationship, contacting you, taking you out etc. Then he gets home and thinks that maybe he's not ready to be with someone, so he doesn't contact you.. but when you contact him again, he thinks, what the heck, and gives it another shot.

 

My neighbor gave me some sound advice: when you meet the right person, it won't be difficult. It'll all be so easy. If it's difficult, its not the right person or the right time, so let him go. Let him come to you early on.

 

It may be seven dates and a jerk move to not tell you that he's done, but, from his POV, he could be thinking that it has only been one month and your not committed to each other.

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I don't want to let a guy I really like get away because of a silly "standoff" in terms of who contacts who. But, if he really wanted me for himself, he'd make sure to let me know. Right?

 

It's not a silly standoff. He's sending mixed signals. You should never bother with anyone who sends mixed signals.

 

You're darn tootin right. When a man wants you, you will know.

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Thanks everyone I haven't contacted him. On a related note, since when has simply not contacting the other person turned into a means of breaking things off? After a couple dates, sure--it gets the message accross. But 7 dates + a sleepover? No, it doesn't call for an in-person long conversation, but not even a text saying he just didn't see us together in the long term?

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Entirely possible. But he initiated things that are just as intimate. And he had wanted me to stay over two weeks ago (I couldn't for a good reason). I have had guys who are interested, not interested, and somewhere in between. But I've never encountered this weird pattern of not hearing from him, I text him, he immediately asks me out again. When I'm not all that into someone after a few dates, I tend to drag out responses, or give excuses as to why I can't go out, and hope they get the message.

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The difference is you're a woman. That's why I insist on letting guys initiate contact. Because most women, if they're not that interested in someone, they will go on 2-3 dates (if that) and then do exactly what you said. Most men, on the other hand, will be flattered that a woman is interested in them and, unless she's totally not their type, they will continue going out with her until something 'better' comes along. I've seen it happen so many times with male friends of mine and it always makes me mad.

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Yeah. I'm just sad. Why is it that I'm willing to explore where things go, but he's not--this happens more than I thought it would with guys. I try and remind myself that this is common (i.e. women who like a guy and he stops contacting them) but it still hurts. And feels like I'm so far away from a happy, solid relationship.

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Yeah. I'm just sad. Why is it that I'm willing to explore where things go, but he's not--this happens more than I thought it would with guys. I try and remind myself that this is common (i.e. women who like a guy and he stops contacting them) but it still hurts. And feels like I'm so far away from a happy, solid relationship.

 

Because he's not interested and it's not fair to you to pretend he is.

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How do you let things like this not knock your confidence? Everyone tells me I'm a catch (I'm educated, funny, in shape, reasonably attractive, I have interesting hobbies, etc), but it's hard to have a sense of self-worth (in this domain) when guys just up and never contact me again. I know it's par for the course, especially with online dating, but getting rejected after guys get to know me a bit is rough. Particularly when they can't even come out and say they're not interested any longer. Makes me feel like I did something horribly wrong. I don't really take it personally if someone never contacts me again after a first date. I don't want to turn into a bitter pessimist, but it's difficult to get back on the horse time after time. Thoughts?

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Because you should know that you are an amazing woman, and when a guy leaves, it is his loss, not yours.

 

You have to stop taking it personally.

 

I've been stood up for dates. I used to let that make me feel like a loser. Am I a loser? Heck no, that's their bad behavior, not mine!!!! If a guy isn't into me and doesn't ask me out again, I look at it as he did me a favor because there's an EVEN BETTER guy out there waiting to find me.

 

Remember, you're trying to find your guy. He's also out there trying to find you!

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I know it's par for the course, especially with online dating, but getting rejected after guys get to know me a bit is rough. Particularly when they can't even come out and say they're not interested any longer. Makes me feel like I did something horribly wrong. I don't really take it personally if someone never contacts me again after a first date. I don't want to turn into a bitter pessimist, but it's difficult to get back on the horse time after time. Thoughts?

 

Well, it's natural to get upset but what I do is blame him and not myself

A while ago, I had gone on a first date with someone I liked very much. After the date, he called every day talking up to 30 mins every time and 3 days later he asked me out on a second date. Now, get this: the date was for 8pm. We talked last at 3pm. At 6.30pm I get a text message 'can't make it, too busy, some other time, kisses'. I didn't think much of it as I knew he had a busy job. However, I did think much of it when he totally vanished after that text...and yet he was still online on the dating site where we'd met.

It didn't knock my confidence. I was angry at him for not having the decency to tell me that he was no longer interested, especially after he stood me up but what can you do? That's how dating goes and very few people will actually tell you what went wrong. You can't let it affect you, you just move on to the next person.

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How do you let things like this not knock your confidence? Everyone tells me I'm a catch (I'm educated, funny, in shape, reasonably attractive, I have interesting hobbies, etc), but it's hard to have a sense of self-worth (in this domain) when guys just up and never contact me again. I know it's par for the course, especially with online dating, but getting rejected after guys get to know me a bit is rough. Particularly when they can't even come out and say they're not interested any longer. Makes me feel like I did something horribly wrong. I don't really take it personally if someone never contacts me again after a first date. I don't want to turn into a bitter pessimist, but it's difficult to get back on the horse time after time. Thoughts?

 

Whenever someone doesn't own the capacity to appreciate your unique value, that speaks of his limitations--not yours.

 

Think of yourself like an art form. People can appreciate certain forms of high value art and not others--it's still high value to those with the right eye for it. So guys who can only appreciate images of 3 dogs playing poker won't recognize the value of a masterpiece.

 

That just means he's not your guy.

 

Or try thinking of yourself as a key puzzle piece in the scope of your life. You can't invest so much energy in matching every other piece you try to fit with, because your odds of finding the 'right' fit are so small. The match is probable--but only after you've discarded enough wrong matches. If you're not patient, and you try to force a fit with the wrong match, it will never feel great, and you'll know in the background of your mind that the outcome of your puzzle has been compromised.

 

Learn to recognize wrong matches and allow them to pass early. This frees you to move on and find someone who truly 'gets you', and don't you deserve THAT degree of synergy and joy?

 

Hold out for the RIGHT match--it may take quite a few tries to find him. Understand that all the wrong matches in the meantime don't speak badly of you, or them.

 

Head high.

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Thanks, all. It helps to talk this out a bit. Must be why God created internet forums.

 

I feel like this would all be easier if I was the one doing the rejecting. Instead of me thinking: hey, let's explore this, aaaaand then the guy wants out. I'm not picking (seemingly) unavailable men, and I've been much more open minded in terms of potential guys than in the past. I believe that I'm single now because I spent much of the last decade focused on other things (school, fun with friends, work), and may have passed up some good men. I am really socially polished and can talk to a wall so I'm not missing social cues, misinterpreting tone, etc. I seriously can't figure out what the problem is. I've solicited feedback from friends, family, etc, and they insist it's not me. Does this happen to people? Lots of awfulness and then it works out somehow in the end?

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Oh my goodness I am completely there with you. It does knock your confidence down and make you feel like its you. Im just now getting over ( or tyring to) yet another rejection. This guy made me feel like we were really going somewhere and out of no where Baam! no contact, nothing. Whatever the reason is I have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, someone once told me "God's rejection is your protection". I thought it was silly when I first heard it but its the first thing I think about when things like this happen. Keep your head up and know that you deserve better. There is someone out there for you.

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