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I think I'm turning into a hater


SeaBisquit

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Hello, my son passed away about 4 months ago in a horrible car crash. i recently got the results of his autopsy report. He had a alchohol level of 1.37. Every bone in his body from the waist down was crushed. the nite of the accident my son was drinking at his dads home..my exhusband allowed my son to drink two pints of crown royal and didn't do anything to stop him from driving. my ex husband and his wife constantly look for sympathy from people and also money to pay for the funeral..at the funeral i got called a rotten mother..which i wasn't i gave my kids everything i could..i feel my ex husband and his wife are responsible for his death because they are neglectful parents..i would have never allowed my son to drink so much..another problem i am having is soon after my sons death i did not receive much support or help. i had friends and family calling me often telling me their problems..i thought and still do think these people are selfish and awful when i was going thru the worst time of my life. i feel so alone now i even broke off with my boyfriend. nothing seems real anymore.

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Can you prove the dad gave him 2 pints of whiskey? That's a TON of hard liqueur and he could go to jail.

I'm sorry for your loss. Words do not suffice. Even your ex going to jail won't change anything. While he made a poor choice he lost his son as well and is most certainly grieving. Try not to compare the pain. It's unimaginable and tragic. My deepest sympathies.

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You're not a hater -- you're extremely angry, and you have every reason to be.

 

There's no magic fix for anger, or grief, or any part of it but counseling may help you to vent with another person listening with their full attention, instead of bringing their own baggage to the table when you need to be heard. I would recommend grief counseling.

 

It might also help for you to write a letter to each person you are angry at. And don't hold back. Say every mean thing you are feeling, explain how they have hurt you and how selfish they have been. Tell them about your own pain and how it feels. The letter to your ex-husband will probably be the most cathartic.

 

You may even find that you're angry at your son -- and that would be appropriate, too. Don't be afraid to write a letter to him, too, when or if you feel ready. Or just write a letter to him expressing anything you're feeling since this happened.

 

When the time comes, and you'll know when that is, decide what to do with the letters. Don't send any of them, but decide if it's worth re-writing any of them in a less accusatory voice, to those whom you may feel would be receptive to hearing that you've been hurting. Like, if you have a close friend who you feel has not been aware enough, perhaps such a letter would be helpful for you to give, so that you don't feel you're bottling up resentment and it may open up a discussion that's healing. I think for ongoing, important relationships that you value, you shouldn't have to live with resentment unexpressed. It always builds.

 

Where no reconciliation is possible or you're not close enough to the people involved for it to matter, those letters you can burn (in a safe manner), bury, or throw into a body of water. Allow yourself to imagine yourself free of the extra weight of the anger and resentment, even if that's just a commitment to start that process of remembering that letting it go felt good for a few moments.

 

My warm thoughts go out to you for recovering from such a terribly painful event. I'm so sorry for your loss. Remember that the sorrow manifests in many ways, so don't judge yourself for your feelings about others who were or were not involved. Also, don't try to get rid of feelings. Sometimes it helps to just sit with something as powerful as anger (or sadness) and quietly let yourself feel all that it is, even exploring where you feel it in your body, without having to do anything about it.

 

I would suggest going out into natural environments as much as you can -- going to parks, sitting by lakes, driving to places where you can see a view, especially elevations, lying on a blanket and looking up at the night sky to remind yourself that the world is big enough and strong enough to hold everything you're feeling, and be okay with it. Those are also times to connect with your son, as he is still alive in spirit and in your heart.

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((((Hugs)))) to you. So VERY sorry to hear of your loss. That is VERY sad to have happen....

 

Yes, they are all acting selfish your way, sounds like in no way are they thinking you're in mourning.

I wonder if it may be best for you to seek some counselling for this. it may do you some help.

Do NOT pay attention to anything, anyone else says or thinks. YOU know the truth of it.

 

As for the ex and his other half... I'm sure THEY do know the truth and of course will still look to find some sympathy.

Is there no investigation going on about this? No police asking about WHERE he was coming from etc?

 

If not, i'd ask them to. YOU have lost a loving son due to this, I think they should ALL be aware of this.

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My heart goes out to you, SeaBisquit.

 

Please know what any attendee of your son's funeral must know: accusing a grieving mother at a funeral of being a horrible ~anything~ speaks loudly of the accuser, not the mother.

 

Your ex will likely sop up all the sympathy he can get because he'll need to face the rest of his life knowing the truth of his own guilt.

 

Regardless of how kindly people may treat ex, the truth of his guilt is something that nobody can ever erase from him--it's his life sentence, regardless of whether he's ever man enough to admit to this truth, or not.

 

As for your friends and neighbors, you already know them well enough outside of this context to determine whether they are truly rude, selfish people, or whether some of them might be stumbling around you, not knowing if voicing their problems might somehow serve to distract you.

 

Crisis does bring out the clumsy in people. Those who are normally kind and generous may be fumbling this and a simple, "I'm not up for hearing your woes on top of my own, but I know you mean well..." should snap them back into shape. However, those who you know to be mean and self absorbed can just get the boot from your life--you don't need that element contaminating your grief.

 

I hope that maybe you can find the kindness and support you deserve through a local grief group. It may be time for you to clear your address book of toxic people and allow those with some experience at handling grief to embrace you.

 

Holding you in my thoughts.

Cat

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I know what you mean by "nothing seems real anymore".

 

My brother passed away not long ago and then my boyfriend (who was emotionally abusive) dumped me.

 

My mother has been through hell herself.

 

You're allowed to feel whatever way you want. You have been through the worst thing in life.

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My mother has got a puppy. That seems to help her and get her out. Maybe you should consider doing the same? I know it sounds trivial and silly but puppies take up so much energy that it distracts you from other things. He kept eating all our possessions at first but it was good to give her something else to focus on.

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