Why is he so sorry? Why not just move on?

[Tanzi]

You told him not to contact you again and now that he's away and not contacting you, you've started another thread about why he's not contacting you and emotionally bonding to you.

 

See, to me, this doesn't equate to FWB. This equates to someone who is emotionally attached and is expecting more than what FWB is really meant to be about.

 

Friends is friends. Sex is sex.

 

Friends + sex = a relationship (whether it be exclusive or not).

[shelty24]

Sorry to burst your bubble but you created this mess by saying you dont want a relationship-you want fwb. Yet here you are acting like his gf without the label and getting mad at him coz hes not giving you enough affection. Your confusing the life outa him.

 

I think hes telling the truth. He wanted a relationship with you to begin with and now hes afraid to get too attached encase you hurt him coz your giving all these crazy mixed signals!

 

You clearly cannot handle being a f buddy so stop it. If you wana be treated like his gf then stop playing games and just be honest

[Abc90]

See, to me, this doesn't equate to FWB. This equates to someone who is emotionally attached and is expecting more than what FWB is really meant to be about.

 

Friends is friends. Sex is sex.

 

Friends + sex = a relationship (whether it be exclusive or not).

 

This is what I don't get. If two people have agreed on the "terms" of how they are dealing with one another, then it doesn't matter what it is labeled. Fwb can mean different things to different people. He is not confused, the man is not an idiot.

He agreed to her terms and he is not following them. If he doesn't want to do what she wants he can walk away but he is playing games and playing with her.

 

The title fwb doesn't mean the guy gets to automatically do whatever he wants and just because it's called "fwb" he is excused from decent behavior. She was very clear with what she wanted, he led her astray when he agreed to it.

 

Her post said he told her he wanted to hang out with her and that he cared for her. No one was holding a gun to his head to make him say those things. He chose to and didn't follow through, which means he lied or is messing with her.

 

This guy doesn't sound awesome...I would move on

[shelty24]

I would move on too. This is too messy to ever be healthy

[ThatwasThen]

Lolzzz: He enjoys the sex but she's so confused as to what FWB is that she thinks like you do in your above quoted post. They can agree to any terms they want but when those terms are the same thing that committed partners do and he asks for tht committment and she says no, then he's going to do whatever it takes for him to continue getting the benefits while trying his best not to bond with her. She who did not want a relationship, she that wanted sex but no strings and then demands them.

 

Bottomline: Her rules aren't cutting it. He's not living up to the agreement so she should just dump him or accept how he's re-written the script.

[Tanzi]

Hanging out when you are friends is one thing and, at the time, it was probably easy to agree to but hanging out as lovers becomes a whole different ball game, especially if the OP is trying to build up an emotional connection. It probably feels more like dating and bearing in mind the OP specified that she didn't want to date it IS going to get confusing.

 

To be honest what the OP wants doesn't make sense to me. I have been involved in 3 FWB "relationships" in the past and they were never this complicated. She says they see each other at work lunches and work occassions, they are also hooking up for sex but she also wants to just hang out with him. That seems an awful lot of time spent with one person both at work and outside of work when you aren't in a relationship with them. Also, bearing in mind she said she likes to feel close and intimate with the person she is going to have sex with, well, that is the sort of emotions reserved for relationships and NOT FWBs.

 

I have a feeling he wasn't completely aware of what was expected of him as they are spending time together anyway. He probably thought they would hang out, have some fun and THEN have sex ... not catching up in between the sex and lunches etc.

 

I am also not sure I believe that he has to feel emotionally connected to have sex and that he was, at that point, just saying what he thought the OP needed to hear. Or maybe this emotional connection is what is confusing him and he is trying to take a step back from getting TOO close.

 

We don't know whether he led her astray on purpose or whether he is confused or not by what he is actually meant to "be" .... but, whatever the reason, being friends AND lovers just doesn't work out. Boundaries, expectations and needs get confused and the friendship itself gets affected. You can't become emotionally connected and intimate with someone with who you are also trying to "hang out just as friends" with. It is as simple as that.

 

FWB can indeed mean many things but it doesn't always mean it is going to work.

 

People also agree to many things when they enter into an exclusive relationship but it doesn't always work out that way.

 

This is working. Now she is withdrawing sex because he isn't meeting her needs, arguing with him and getting hurt (which is inevitable if you are emotionally connected). Honestly, where on earth is the "benefit" in any of this.

[Tanzi]

I guess I want a relationship disguised as not a relationship (without opening up myself to be hurt) but now I am hurt.

 

What do you think is going through his mind though? What is up with the incessant apologies? And the not letting it go? And why is he REFUSING to hang out? How hard is it to grab a coffee after work?

 

This is exactly what it is that you are after .... a relationship without labelling it a relationship.

 

Friends with benefits means that you do away with all the emotional stuff. You can't have a "arrangement" based around sex with no ties when you are also trying to establish an emotional connection. That emotional connection then becomes an emotional tie and once you becoming emotionally tied to that person it then becomes totally NOT about being "friends".

 

I expect he is confused because the type of close and intimate connection you want doesn't run parallel with being FWBs. Maybe he is apologetic because he feels guilty at not being able to meet your expectations or not really understanding your expectations. At the end of the day you stated you DIDN'T want a relationship yet you are behaving like you are in one and that is going to confuse him no matter what you agreed.

 

I agree that grabbing a coffee after working isn't hard but I guess he still wants a life outside of your FWB too. Hooking up for sex, hanging out as friends, getting together for coffee, spending time together at work functions ... I mean, phew!

 

I think the difference is you are trying to CREATE a relationship that has ALL the benefits of a relationship without it being labelled as one and you would be comfortable with having just that in your life. Whereas he is seeing this as no-strings attached sex filling a need until he starts dating someone or gets into a relationship. You are making this FWB much bigger than it should be whereas he is trying to keep it as simple as it should be.

 

Whether he is in the wrong here or not ... it simply isn't going to work because what you want is far too complicated and anchoring for a FWB arrangement.

[Lady42]

Hi all, thank you for all of the input everything you've said makes sense. This is just a mess. I agree he completely DID know what he was getting himself into. I also believe he wanted more than FWB at some points too, as he'd ask me to just "officially date" him and say other relationship type things.

 

I guess now all I can do is be honest and wait and see what happens.

[Tanzi]

Hi all, thank you for all of the input everything you've said makes sense. This is just a mess. I agree he completely DID know what he was getting himself into. I also believe he wanted more than FWB at some points too, as he'd ask me to just "officially date" him and say other relationship type things.

 

I guess now all I can do is be honest and wait and see what happens.

 

If he likes you enough to want to date you then he is putting himself in a vulnerable position by going through the motions. He could end up being emotionally invested into something that is actually nothing. To an extent you can see why he may be holding back on the whole thing. If you can't offer him what he wants then I don't think you should continue because it may just get a whole lot messier.

[ThatwasThen]

I guess now all I can do is be honest and wait and see what happens.

How can you "be honest" when you don't even know what you want with him? Figure that out first. Then take it to him. I think you've confused him enough already so you're going to have to know exactly what you want with him before you go ahead and ask for it.

[catfeeder]

How can you "be honest" when you don't even know what you want with him? Figure that out first. Then take it to him. I think you've confused him enough already so you're going to have to know exactly what you want with him before you go ahead and ask for it.

 

This is exactly my thinking. OP, we haven't seen a bit of clarity from you in this thread. If you can't give that here, how do you expect to be clear with him?

 

Get clear with your Self first--the rest will all line up with that.

[Lady42]

I mentioned earlier in the thread that I had texted him at the beginning of his trip (about 2 weeks ago now) and said "I'm sorry for being so confusing, I know it's not fair."

 

For the rest of the two weeks I've barely heard from him but I have texted him maybe 3 times to show genuine interest without showing any indication of being pissed/upset/hurt that he has barely contacted me. I guess we will see tomorrow.

 

Seems like once he got busy he just forgot about me. I guess all his apologies and promises to do better were pretty empty.

[catfeeder]

I mentioned earlier in the thread that I had texted him at the beginning of his trip (about 2 weeks ago now) and said "I'm sorry for being so confusing, I know it's not fair."

 

For the rest of the two weeks I've barely heard from him but I have texted him maybe 3 times to show genuine interest without showing any indication of being pissed/upset/hurt that he has barely contacted me. I guess we will see tomorrow.

 

Seems like once he got busy he just forgot about me. I guess all his apologies and promises to do better were pretty empty.

 

Show genuine interest in what?

 

What is it, exactly, that you want?

[ThatwasThen]

Seems like once he got busy he just forgot about me. I guess all his apologies and promises to do better were pretty empty.

I think you should stop blaming him and put the spot light on yourself. I also think that you should stop texting him altogether and leave him alone to enjoy his trip. You are sounding annoying and intrusive at this point so stop it and then while you have the time alone, figure out what you actually want with this guy so that you can intelligently relay it to him. If you're communicating with him the way you waffle and back peddle here, then it's clear why he's not wanting anything else (thus far) then a shag during lunch break without the hassle of trying to figure you out.

 

Sounds like he's demoted you from FRIENDS with benefits to EFF buddy. If you want to be in a relationship of the exclusive and committed kind with him, then ask him for that and if he won't give it to you then for goodness sakes take yourself out of the "benefits" package you've enrolled him in. If you only want FB's then nothing has to change except your EXPECTATIONS.