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Emails b/t ex and his new gf are all about me...


rachmatth

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So, I know that I probably deserve a lecture on respecting the privacy of others, but I recently accessed my ex's email and read all of the emails he's exchanged with his new girlfriend. We broke up in June and we had continued living together until this past week, so when he left his email open one day when he left for work I caved and looked at their communications. What I found was that, literally, every email was about me: what went wrong between the two of us, how his new gf is so upset that we were still living together, how upset she was that they always ended up discussing me on their date nights, how upset she was that we still constantly did things together, etc.

 

We were together for nine years and we have a five year old daughter. We started dating in high school and our daughter was a surprise during our junior year of college. His parents never married, his aunts and uncles all have children out of wedlock and never married, and his grandparents had an acrimonious divorce before he was born due to cheating. So given his background, I was understanding that he was hesitant to commit to marriage. This May he blindsided me by telling me that he was having doubts about our relationship. I had been able to tell that he was pulling away over the past six months, but prior to that he was always telling me how happy I made him, how deeply connected he felt, and how he wanted to have another baby with me.

 

It turns out he was talking to his boss, a woman five years older than us, about our relationship troubles. I read the emails where he was telling her about how he was confused and she basically told him that he shouldn't bother with counseling, it doesn't work, and that she was attracted to him. This is the same woman he had nicknamed "dogface" because he thought she was quite unattractive (I've seen pictures, she is). Prior to talking to her about our problems, he had made plans to seek counseling to work on his commitment issues. But in June he let me know that it's over and he immediately started dating this woman.

 

Here's where I'd really appreciate some advice about what his psychological state might be. In May we went on a cruise with my family and at this point he'd already been carrying on his emotional affair. In separate drunken conversations with my mother and my sister, he casually talked about, "someday when he and I get married," even though, according to him he had decided at this point to end the relationship. Also, for the first month after he started seeing this new woman, we were still sharing a bed because our couch is really uncomfortable (I know this is really f-ed up). When I would get into bed and he'd already be asleep, he would pull me close to him and say he loves me, and he would use my name in his declaration. Also, on two occasions while asleep, he started initiating sex with me before waking up and realizing what was going on. We eventually stopped sleeping in the same bed because he said he could not trust himself with me. He did tell me that he finds me more physically and sexually attractive than his new girlfriend.

 

So I understand that he stated that he does not want to be together anymore, but his subconscious behaviors seem to indicate otherwise. Also, from what I've read about rebound relationships, when the majority of conversations between the dumper and his new girlfriend are about the ex, it means he hasn't moved on. He's also told me that he's surprised at how fast he's fallen for this new woman, especially because he was never attracted to her before. I've also heard that if someone is not over their ex they are much more prone to fall fast and hard for someone new.

 

I guess I'm curious as to whether anyone here believes that it sounds like he's using her as a crutch or if it sounds like the basis for a good relationship. At this point, I do not think I would take him back because he really screwed me, but I don't want his new relationship to work out because I'm afraid it will set an example for our daughter that you can be a homewrecker and live happily ever after. I want him to be happy but not with someone who has no problem with breaking up a relationship where there is a child involved.

 

P.S. I will not check his email again. I was in a really low spot and couldn't help myself.

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You guys started dating young and then had a child. I think he is exploring life without you in it. He will forever be a part of your life because of the child. Since you are no longer living together, now is when the lack of you in his life will register more.

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Try not to sweat it. I am too currently in shame after a couple of weeks of being strong. Not contacting at all. Then last night I caved and called one time. And shamefully I too also check her email and surprisingly she didn't delete all the things I sent her and the last email I sent to her stating that Ive moved on and am happy now. I'm trying not to sweat it even though I know if people knew and know now I would be hearing a lot of stuff that I already know I shouldn't have but what can we do. When were low were low, when were high, were flying. So hope everything goes well, its a brand new day, week, and month. We can do this!

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That really sucks I am sorry you had to read all that.. Well you didnt have too but I would have done the same thing. He is for sure having a hard time with this. This women is not right! What kind of person is she giving one sided advice and all to her advantage.. So she thinks cause the one thing she can't take is your history with him . This is why all the issues of you and his relationship! She is older and she will NEVER be secure in a relationship with him.. Just be patient he will be back and then you can decide jf you even want to try ha

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I also forgot to mention that he doesn't want to tell anyone about his relationship with her. He told his mom, and she flipped out, stating that I'm her family and this other woman will never be welcome in her home. The only other person he told was his dad, and that was only because he came to stay with us for the past 3 months and it was unavoidable. His mom keeps urging him to inform his uncle and aunts (whom he's very close with) about our breakup and his new relationship and he won't do it. Also, in his emails to the new gf, she consistently complains about the fact that he won't let her tell any of their co-workers that they are dating. And despite his dad being here for the last three months, he's leaving on Friday and he never introduced the two of them. Why would he talk about this deep connection he feels with her and not want to acknowledge her existence? Also, his profile picture on Facebook is still a picture of us with our daughter.

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a third party can't wreck something that is already broken. His new gf is not the reason you all broke up..He is.. You had no right to read his emails. However, since you did, from what you posted , he seems to not be over you.. He may be exploring life without you since you all were young when you got together.. As for his gf, it seems her one sided advice is coming back to bite her in the behind..

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Why would he talk about this deep connection he feels with her and not want to acknowledge her existence? Also, his profile picture on Facebook is still a picture of us with our daughter.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you're obviously looking for clues/hidden messages etc, with the hopes that he'll reconsider his decision, and come crawling back. Of course all of this looks good on paper, yet when all is said and done, can you honestly say that you'll fully trust him again?

 

He did tell me that he finds me more physically and sexually attractive than his new girlfriend.

 

How nice of him to say this, he sounds like quite the charmer.

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HeartGoesOn, you're right about the fact that I can never really trust him again. Prior to this week, I would've considered taking extraordinary measures to save our relationship for the sake of our daughter. But at this point, we've now told her we're no longer going to be living together so she's now aware her parents are no longer together. I'm not considering getting back together with him at this point (maybe I shouldn't have posted this in the getting back together section...). My main desire now is for his new relationship to end so my daughter never has to meet this other woman. She's shown that she's selfish and conniving, and I don't want that kind of influence in her life. I guess I'm hoping that if this relationship falls apart my ex will realize what a mistake he made and he'll make better choices in the future and be a better role model for our child.

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My main desire now is for his new relationship to end so my daughter never has to meet this other woman. She's shown that she's selfish and conniving, and I don't want that kind of influence in her life.

 

I can certainly understand how you feel about the "other woman," but keep in mind that your ex is the one who made the choice to cheat and betray you. Either way, I wish you and your daughter all the best.

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Sorry to hear of this crap going on in your life right now. Amazing how 'common' this stuff happens.. sigh

Same thing occurred here but no children involved. Was a 5 yr relationship and yes,,, he wandered.

Is now admitting he misses me.. still loves me etc. BUT she is still around (6 mos later).

So- who knows.. he has also appologized as of late.. actually said 'sorry.. it's my fault' (wow).

 

Fact is.. is will he come to realize what he had? That I wasn't such a bad person after all. I said in the beginning- I Hope she's worth it!

 

It IS very hard to have to come to terms with.. i understand.

 

It could very well be a rebound. Just let it run it's course. Things can fall apart as fast as they fall together for them. He will come to miss you too- give cpl of months for this all to sink into his wee brain.

Things can come to change between them usually sometime 'after honeymoon phase', when they're moving into life's routine. Never know how it'll go- not trying to give you all hopes here, but they do often disipate.

Like I said.. let them carry on.

 

Meanwhile, you take care of you,, your emotions, your child and care to move on, yourself.

Give it 6 months.. see how you feel then. Probably a bit more stable, mentally/emotionally.

 

tc

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