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The "One who got away" is now engaged ......


Quirkster

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About 6 years ago my dating life came to a complicated fork in the road. I had been casually dating one person (Girl A) for about 4 months, when I became smitten with another (Girl B) who had been hired at my job. Girl A was a very giving, easy going person. I enjoyed my time with her, but there weren't those "sparks". That wasn't the case with Girl B. The sparks were there, in fact I hadn't felt that way in a very long time about somebody. Everyone around work knew it.

 

I suddenly found myself in foreign territory. I could tell Girl A was trying to up the ante, I mean she even went out and bought me a dog unannounced. Emotions really started evolving with Girl B, but would find out she would be leaving for law school within the next few months. To make matters even more complicated I was about to lose my license for a year and I was growing disenchanted with my career direction. I legitimately felt like crap about my life direction. Struggling with confidence issues, I suddenly began to worry if I would even be able to maintain a potential long distance relationship with Girl B.

 

Because of my lack of confidence in myself and my inability to be decisive, I basically defaulted to Girl A. The fact that I was comfortable with her ... I mean this girl even went so far as to driving me everywhere after I lost my license. She was doing everything right, yet the spark was still not there. I still stayed in it. I feel bad saying this, but looking back on it, it became a relationship based on convenience. Girl B would end up going away to school. She would harbor resentment for quite some time afterwards for me not picking her. I don't blame her for that.

 

We maintained contact throughout the entire time she was away. She had even gotten into a serious relationship while she was there. During most of our talks, she always took the opportunity to take a jab at me when she could about our past. I took it like a man, I had no other choice. During one conversation she dropped a big bomb on me by telling me that she had been in love with me. She had been holding that in for quite some time.

 

My relationship with Girl A eventually fell apart after 4 years. Girl B moved back into town after graduating. I felt like at that point, enough time had passed. I felt like I had served my sentence and that hopefully at some point we could re-explore things. Back in February she texted me to ask if we could do dinner because she wanted to see me and catch up. That's great right? But like all the other times in the past few years, she was flaky in actually committing to it. Our schedules conflicted, but I straight up told her I'd make it happen she just needed to let me know when she's ready. Even though she was the one bringing the whole thing up, she then responded that things are hectic and she'd let me know. Honestly, that had happened one too many times the last few years and in my mind it was a my personal justification for not being proactive.

 

She tried one more time again April. There was an event we used to purposely arrange to see each other at every year. She texted me to confirm for the one coming up. I told her yes. When she got there she texted me that she had to go see some people first. Didn't hear from her. I decided that day enough's enough, I'm not playing this game with her anymore and we haven't spoken since.

 

I just found out a few days ago that she's now engaged. The guy is someone she's been friends with for a long time. Within the past year or so it became a little more. He doesn't live here, so she has to fly out to see him. Forgive me if I'm over-analyzing, but I just didn't get the sense that they have a huge romance. She never put herself "in a relationship" on her FB leading up to the engagement. There were some scattered, slightly flirty pictures of the two of them, but there wasn't that normal "branding" most girls have on their FB when they're in love and with someone. If there's one thing I know with 700 friends on there, it's that when girls are smitten, they tell the world. I also know that her family had been giving her a lot of guff lately for not being married and starting a family of her own. She literally told me that in past talks.

 

When I was first told about the engagement I just kind of chuckled. As the day progressed, it suddenly started to sink in more. What have I been doing this entire time she's been back? Did "pride" on both our parts get in the way of us finding out if we were meant to be together? After that last episode of her flakiness in April, I felt that not taking her seriously was deserved and I needed to stop distracting myself with that little thought about her in the back of my mind that's been there for years. But now I'm honestly regretting the whole thing. It feels awful, because I still regret the day I chose Girl A over her.

 

The past few years I've been trying to become the man I always wanted to be, in order to not feel like I did that day when she told me she was going away. She's the very reason I've been working on myself and I guess I always took it for granted that she'd be single. I'm debating whether or not to strike up some kind of dialogue in the next month or so when things have calmed down. I mean the engagement just happened so I don't want to step in front of that right now. It would be disrespectful. On their engagement post on Facebook, I congratulated them and told the guy that this is one life decision impervious to regret. But I really would like to be able to genuinely ask her if it's what she really wants.

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But I really would like to be able to genuinely ask her if it's what she really wants.

 

Seriously, don't. You don't think it's odd that now, just now, as soon as she commits to another man, you have the burning need to get her back? After not even communicating with her since the spring?

 

Don't "ask her if it's what she really wants." It's rude and presumptuous and makes you look really sleazy.

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Seriously, don't. You don't think it's odd that now, just now, as soon as she commits to another man, you have the burning need to get her back? After not even communicating with her since the spring?

 

Do I think it's odd? No. The better question would be is the timing extremely bad? That's a resounding yes. As I said before, I've always had her in the back of my mind as I've worked to make myself a better man. I mean I haven't dated anyone seriously since 2009, because I've been trying to get my life together. I took for granted that I had more time (didn't realize it was getting so serious with the guy from out of town). The other thing (like I mentioned previously), is that it really did rub me the wrong way when she kept half-arsing making plans. I felt toyed with to be honest. I just wanted to be able to move past what happened 6 years ago.

 

I can admit one of my faults is being stubborn in situations like that. I prioritized making a point that I won't accept the flaky behavior, but instead of communicating it, I took it to the extreme by not reaching out at all.

 

Don't "ask her if it's what she really wants." It's rude and presumptuous and makes you look really sleazy.

 

I wasn't looking to word it that way exactly and I'm very conscious about offending her. But given our past and how many times recently she reached out, I just want to make sure. Some have said they felt like she was waiting for me to come around.

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I wouldn't ask her. If she didn't want to be engaged she wouldn't be. If she had wanted to get together with you, she would have. If you wanted girl B, you wouldn't have spent 4 years with girl A. I know things aren't *that* simple ...but they also are.

I do think its ironic timing that you suddenly want to make a meeting happen now that she's engaged but prior to that felt like "forget this! Too much work!"

If a woman (fiancée's friend) congratulated me on FB and then took my fiancée out to ask him if he was doing the right thing, that would create a lot of bad blood for no reason.

Don't go there.

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How many times she reached out?

How about how many times she flaked?

 

I can't even count exactly how many times. It became so routine over the last few years and that's precisely why I began to get offended. I mean I understand the possibility of her latent resentment for what took place 6 years ago, but at some point you have to get past that. Otherwise why is she contacting me in the first place? I felt like the ball was always in her court because of it. I didn't ever want to overstep my bounds. I wanted to know she was over what had happened, which would've given me a greater green light to pursue.

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Then this really isn't about the "one who got away", but the one who never showed up.

 

Think so? Because I'm really struggling with this right now.

 

As a man, was I supposed to pursue no matter what and follow up on her half-arsed attempts to reconnect? Was it my job to ease her latent fears?

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As a human being, no --- one does not chase something that one does not want to catch.

 

Your job is not to ease her latent fears.

 

Your task is to find a woman who loves you and has less issues to deal with.

 

I agree with that ..... but wasn't I originally responsible for the issue at the core of all of this?

 

Btw, its not as though I don't consider her a catch. A "perception" built up that I was being toyed with and still serving time for what happened 6 years ago. It kind've got the upper hand on how I've always felt about her. My pride kicked in. I'm sure hers was still alive and well too.

 

I do appreciate your insight though, you're giving me lots to think about.

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Well, take this as a lesson learned.. and don't think about coming between her engagement..

 

Not trying to get in the way of it. I support her in whatever she does. I want her to be happy more than anything, whether that's with me or with someone else.

 

I was just trying to figure out a way to open up dialogue with her to really get a sense of whether this engagement is what she really wants or is it because she's settling. I do sound presumptuous, but this was somebody within the last year telling me how much pressure her family was putting on her to get married and it's also someone who kept trying to reconnect with me while she was seeing the guy from out of town. On her Facebook she never once put "In a Relationship" while it was going on .

 

I don't mean to sound juvenile, but that's simply unheard of in today's society with people in their 20's and 30's. Women typically make it abundantly clear on their when everything is rosy and they're in love.

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On her Facebook she never once put "In a Relationship" while it was going on .

 

I don't mean to sound juvenile, but that's simply unheard of in today's society with people in their 20's and 30's. Women typically make it abundantly clear on their when everything is rosy and they're in love.

 

No, actually it isn't. Not everyone likes to make their life quite so public and not everyone lives their life by Facebook. Certainly as we get older we feel less inclined to be quite so showy.

 

But, whatever, you have absolutely NO business asking her if this is what she really wants. She has had ample chance to get together with you but it never happened. Had she wanted it to, it would have. Instead she is now engaged to someone else.

 

This is a girl who, by the sounds of things, has consistently flaked on you so I'm not sure what you think you are going to benefit by asking her such a thing. She is engaged to another guy and you should leave things be.

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If you were to contact her what would you like to say?

 

Dunno .... that's what I'd like to figure out. I mean I could literally call or text her at any time and talk just to talk. But how do you approach something like this? It's a sensitive issue. I don't want to offend her, but I also just would like to know (as someone who cares) if she's really happy.

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Dunno .... that's what I'd like to figure out. I mean I could literally call or text her at any time and talk just to talk. But how do you approach something like this? It's a sensitive issue. I don't want to offend her, but I also just would like to know (as someone who cares) if she's really happy.

 

Due to the fact that they have just got ENGAGED, you should look at it as everyone else would be and assume/accept they ARE happy and refrain from asking such questions. Really this isn't about finding out whether she is happy (as someone who cares), it is making one last attempt at getting the girl you think got away. Be honest with yourself.

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No, actually it isn't. Not everyone likes to make their life quite so public and not everyone lives their life by Facebook. Certainly as we get older we feel less inclined to be quite so showy.

 

But, whatever, you have absolutely NO business asking her if this is what she really wants. She has had ample chance to get together with you but it never happened. Had she wanted it to, it would have. Instead she is now engaged to someone else.

 

This is a girl who, by the sounds of things, has consistently flaked on you so I'm not sure what you think you are going to benefit by asking her such a thing. She is engaged to another guy and you should leave things be.

 

She did flake on me. That part of it I got extremely tired of. But what I'm trying to sort out is whether or not that was me being overly sensitive and too prideful. Was I supposed to be the bigger person by ditching that battle of pride and make a point that what happened 6 years ago was behind us. Follow up with her, even though she was being flaky with me. It's pretty clear by her being flaky that there was latent feelings about that.

 

But again, this isn't just about Facebook. She was reaching out while she was seeing this guy. Remember, we have a history. It's one which she previously admitted how in love she was with me. It's a history that in recent times might've been unnecessarily been stunted.

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Due to the fact that they have just got ENGAGED, you should look at it as everyone else would be and assume/accept they ARE happy and refrain from asking such questions. Really this isn't about finding out whether she is happy (as someone who cares), it is making one last attempt at getting the girl you think got away. Be honest with yourself.

 

It's not just that. If I got a sense she was truly happy and this was what she had been waiting for, I'd continue to be nothing but congratulatory and support her.

 

I just want to make sure, because as I've previously stated to you there were things going on while she was seeing this guy that makes me wonder.

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She did flake on me. That part of it I got extremely tired of. But what I'm trying to sort out is whether or not that was me being overly sensitive and too prideful. Was I supposed to be the bigger person by ditching that battle of pride and make a point that what happened 6 years ago was behind us. Follow up with her, even though she was being flaky with me. It's pretty clear by her being flaky that there was latent feelings about that.

 

But again, this isn't just about Facebook. She was reaching out while she was seeing this guy. Remember, we have a history. It's one which she previously admitted how in love she was with me. It's a history that in recent times might've been unnecessarily been stunted.

 

Well she probably was in love with you at one time but then she met and eventually fell in love with someone else. It may not have felt like anything big in the beginning but you haven't spoken to her since April. A lot can change in that time.

 

Her flakiness (especially not following up your arrangements at the event in April) shows a lack of interest more than it does harbouring any resentment 6 years later. I don't think pride (and therefore you being the bigger person by ditching it) even comes into it to be honest.

 

I think it is more a case of THAT was then and THIS is now.

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Things may have changed...as in, HE PROPOSED!

This is not about whether SHE is happy...it is about YOU being UNHAPPY with the scenario.

 

Frankly...you no longer have a dog in the hunt.

 

Me being unhappy? I wouldn't put it like that and nowhere in my writings have I portrayed myself as though I'm on the brink or anything. I'm fully prepared to continue with my life as is. Perhaps this might've been the wrong forum because I'm not suggesting I'm pondering some plan to win her back.

 

This is about whether or not opportunity was missed for all the wrong reasons because that's what my gut has been telling me over the past few days as I've reflected upon this news. This is about someone like myself who'll always have that love for her just being certain that she's not settling. People do that all the time and engagements are broken because of it, so let's not pretend it never happens.

 

In a perfect world I am able to have some kind of discussion with her. In the event that it's everything she ever wanted and she's not doing this because she's feeling her clock ticking and pressure from the family - then I will continue to be nothing but supportive. I'm happy for her, not enraged because she's with some other guy. I had my chances and I didn't handle them the way I wished I would.

 

But if there is doubt there, then I would like to know. What would happen after that I do not have plans for at this time.

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I know morally speaking it's best to leave it but if you really want to contact her say you're looking for closure and to understand what happened all these years. If you don't want to be so upfront ask her about the engagement first.

 

Again, not gonna lie ... my mind keeps swirling back to those two instances this past spring when once again she was trying to reconnect with me while it's clear she was seeing him. I didn't swallow my pride and follow up with plans she herself brought up but didn't follow through with.

 

It's definitely a delicate situation because I'm not one to jump in front of something like this. Hence why I also want to give it some time before I even consider trying to test the waters of a conversation like this.

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