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Eek. He's being very serious a little too soon.


Forrest99

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I decided to try online dating and I got talking to a guy. We began Skyping each other every night for a good few hours, and after a month and a half; decided to meet (last weekend). He did end up staying over, and we did sleep together.... (I understand this was possibly a mistake).

 

Now although I would eventually possibly like to get into a relationship with him, he's already started calling me his girlfriend. & has recently just rung me after a hefty night of drinking, telling me how strongly he feels and that more than anything he wants to be with me.. He also says that he's scared of losing me, and that I "complete him". Which is so lovely. I would never have anticipated this, and it does make me feel wanted & all happy.

 

HOWEVER. I think it's a little too soon? I understand he was drunk. But these feelings seem all too quick. I feel a little overwhelmed.

I tried to tell him that it would be best to take things slow, and that I would want him to meet my friends, family etc. (spend much more time together) before we got serious...

But he simply seemed to just take offence to that.

 

& I'm not sure what to do?

As I like him, should I disregard what I deem the normal progression into a relationship?

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Yikes.

 

Well, you said it yourself, maybe you slept with him too soon. Not because he is a jerk, but because it meant a lot to him, more than maybe it meant to you.

 

I think you should give him a chance and try not to read too much into anything right now. It can be a really nice thing to be with a man that is emotionally mature enough to discuss feelings, knows what he likes, and is willing to take that leap of faith.... So don't be so quick to throw it away just because he is not playing the standard "cool" games.

 

I'd ignore the drunk call. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You liked him enough to sleep with him, so you should be open enough to deal with the fall out. As women we're just not used to the nice guy! Don't beat him over the head with your protests to being his girlfriend. How about you let his actions speak. See how he treats you and how things go after a few dates. It's scary getting into a new relationship, so don't freak yourself out. See how it goes.

 

But that doesn't mean you have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. If he is too pushy, then set the boundaries and see how it goes. Like Rome, relationships are not built in a day. You don't have to decide right this minute. Take your time. You are in this, too. And it takes two!

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Well he is probably going to be quite embarrassed after his phone call anyway, or at least won't be making a habit of it in the future. His feelings should be said when sober at least so you can take them a little more seriously.

 

I tried to tell him that it would be best to take things slow, and that I would want him to meet my friends, family etc. (spend much more time together) before we got serious...

But he simply seemed to just take offence to that.

 

This is the only thing that speaks a little out of turn for me. Up until this, I agree with everything Lambert has said. I think him getting carried away and a bit over excited about you is great and all, but when you tried to tell him what you want, and how you feel, and strongly hinted that things may have been moving too fast he has taken offence to this, and carried on regardless.

I wouldn't end things based on this, but I would watch out too. If he isn't listening to your wants and needs and deciding what is best for you on his own, this isn't going to end well.

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This is a good point... Can you expand on how he acted offended? Last summer, I dated a guy that always saying things like I didn't like him or made inferences that I wasn't as into him. We met on line and only knew each other a couple months. So I thought this was odd. I needed more time to decide how much I liked him and it just got annoying that he was so needy, so soon. So you want to gauge whether you think he is really into YOU or if he just really wants a relationship. Hence, the fast forward you complete me crap.

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It wasn't necessarily a "bad" kind of offended; more... "Do you not like me?". As though I was telling him I didn't want to ever be with him.

& after saying I want to take things slow, he made out that we'd already been moving very slow. (I guess waiting a month and a half to meet is slow).

 

I do like him. I just didn't expect things to move this quickly. & I'm a little worried that he might end up regretting getting with me. Particularly as I'm studying quite an intensive course at the moment, and I don't live too closely to him. I don't know if this might end up getting in the way, and whether we both have enough patience to hold out on meeting often etc.

 

& yeah; as Lambert says.. I want to know he is genuinely into me; and not simply really wanting to be someone.

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This is a good point... Can you expand on how he acted offended? Last summer, I dated a guy that always saying things like I didn't like him or made inferences that I wasn't as into him. We met on line and only knew each other a couple months. So I thought this was odd. I needed more time to decide how much I liked him and it just got annoying that he was so needy, so soon. So you want to gauge whether you think he is really into YOU or if he just really wants a relationship. Hence, the fast forward you complete me crap.

 

Yeah, mine got to the point where he would invite himself out with my friends (we had sort of mutual friends) and this was despite me telling him from the beginning that I only wanted a casual relationship with him, never a serious one. This was every single time, however - I stopped telling him where I was going and who with just so he wouldn't come along. Then he eventually accused me of sleeping with one of my girl friends simply because she had gotten too drunk and needed me to take her home, and that was it - enough.

 

Yours sounds great though, OP - I think it's just because I've seen the initial signs over and over again that I am quick to point it out with you. Anyone can be lovely and charming and attentive in the beginning, their true colours do slip out eventually, however. If he is not interested in taking things slow, and you are - then disregarding what you want is a bad sign.

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I do like him. I just didn't expect things to move this quickly. & I'm a little worried that he might end up regretting getting with me. Particularly as I'm studying quite an intensive course at the moment, and I don't live too closely to him. I don't know if this might end up getting in the way, and whether we both have enough patience to hold out on meeting often etc.

 

& yeah; as Lambert says.. I want to know he is genuinely into me; and not simply really wanting to be someone.

 

You have control over how fast it goes too. Too fast often means burn out fast - so be ware.

 

If you want to know if someone is genuinely into you, it just takes time.

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Yes, this situation does reek of desperation. I've been with quite a few nice guys who did not move this quickly. It's important that you BOTH take the time to process your feelings. Just meeting up a couple of times is not enough for you to know if you want a relationship or not. You both need more time in person before committing to that. I made the mistake of falling for that with my ex, and ended up getting involved way too soon and not wanting to end things because he SEEMED so emotionally invested when really it was more about us being in a relationship than actually being with me.

 

Definitely talk to him while he's sober. If you are so special to him then there should be no issue with you guys putting the brakes on a bit and taking this slow.

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I decided to try online dating and I got talking to a guy. We began Skyping each other every night for a good few hours, and after a month and a half; decided to meet (last weekend). He did end up staying over, and we did sleep together.... (I understand this was possibly a mistake).

 

Now although I would eventually possibly like to get into a relationship with him, he's already started calling me his girlfriend.

 

This jumped out at me.. No, that's not normal at all for online dating! Most people meet up a week or two after exchanging their first message. Talking on Skype for HOURS every other day is putting forth a lot of emotional investment upfront. You are the one sending mixed signals OP!

 

It's not like you chatted a few times, went on date and now he's clingy. You two had a month's worth of video chatting before you met in person. He doesn't consider you a stranger off the street. In fact, he probably feels like he knows more about you than any other girl he had dated going into the initial start up of a relationship. You're confusing him by suddenly being skittish about commitment. Talking as long as you did and having sex right away sends the message you're really into him. Now you're saying "hold on!"

 

Of course he's wondering if you're having second thoughts! "Slow down" is usually what people saying when they're unsure about the viability of a budding relationship. It's usually not what people say to someone they're really into.

 

Bottom line, you need to communicate with him and explain what your uneasiness is. Otherwise it's just guesswork and assumptions can lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings!

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I agree with this. You Skype for hours a night for a 1 and 1/2 months is like dating, and even more intense because you are only having one-on-one conversations. While I agree you can't fully know how chemistry is going to play out until you meet in person, you both have clearly invested a lot of time and emotion before ever meeting.

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