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Advice on my feelings from horrible breakup.


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I first off want to thank those on here who have supported me throughout my horrible ordeal. I was in a horrible relationship for almost 2 years and in that time i became codependent on her and i often ask myself why?. I was constantly put down and after her constant breakups and getting back together I was in a emotional tornado. She had done so many bad things to me and I still stayed for more and ask myself why?.She filed a restraining order on me which was vacated and I was really upset because I am a good guy and she did this out of spite. I still to this day am seeking an explanation and I will probably never get one from her. She was very materialistic and asked me to buy her coach purses ad put gas in her car she even demanded a 2 carat ring minimum if we had gotten engaged and I just could never satisfy her no matter what I did. I am upset because when we were dating she was on an online dating site looking to replace me and i was shocked considering she made an appointment to see a therapist and the same day tells me she loved me and was talking to another guy. She had tons of relationship books in her condo and she still worked with her ex boyfriend who was a doctor and 20 years older than her. I find it odd that he did not marry her after 5 years of dating and they also went to therapy together. I am just upset because as i am trying to move forward her darkness is still in my heart and soul. I and her cannot speak per the courts and I was really upset that she had done this to me. My question is why do i keep thinking of her like I was lucky to have her? I have dated better looking woman and who were also more affectionate to me. I need help because it's been 2 months and I have good days then bad days? I have to tell myself I am better than this.

 

 

Jim

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You have to open up the doors and roof to your heart and let the light of truth into it. You do that by stop buying into the narrative that 1. you're a good guy and 2. she did all of this to you because neither of them are 100% true.

 

Sometimes, "the good guy" can be a nuisance; a never ending energy drain; someone who refuses to see a situation for what it is, but instead, insists upon seeing things the way he wants to see them. Going back and reading your posts, over and over and over and over and over again, you demonstrate that you refused to see/hear what was in front of you and instead wanted to insist upon seeing things the way you wanted to see them. The reason she wanted you to buy her a 2 carat engagement ring was not because she loved you---if she loved you, a cigar band or a trash bag twist tie would have done the trick. She wanted the ring so that she could go back to her ex the doctor and put it in his face to make him chase her again--then she would have dumped you and left you with the bill for that ring.

 

She likes kicking puppies, and you're the puppy who won't get the message to leave her be, so she swore out an RO on you to make sure you stay away from her. If you'd taken the advice many on here have given you, you would have submitted yourself to the NC process and allowed yourself to move on and heal, but you've refused to do that. You wanted what you wanted despite the damage having it would do to you and now, she's had to call in the state to make sure you leave her alone. Now, if you value your liberty, you'd better leave her be; you'd better let these destructive fantasies go about being with her despite the fact that that's not what she wants.

 

Stop being so concerned about what she is doing with her life. It's no longer any of your business. That woman isn't the only woman on the planet and you would be best served to really knuckle down and submit yourself to the therapy process, be willing to snatch back the lid on the secrets and shadows you're harboring in your heart which keep this artificial construct of a narrative in place, from which all of your emotional decisions emanate.

 

The process is not going to be smooth sailing, so stop thinking that you're not supposed to have bad days. You sit with the feelings and let them do their job--quit trying to deflect them or distract them--because they will just wait until they see another opening and go for it then--it that could happen when you're out on a call when you need your wits about you. Just let yourself become one with the emotions so they can be done and gone.

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