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Not sure if my relationship is over or not.


pennyloafer2

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So I've been with this guy for 10 months. In the past month, he's had to live in a city about an hour away because of work. So we see each other every 1-2 weeks. Before he left to this new city, I asked him "Are we breaking up?" And he was kind of unclear about it, saying "what else can we do?" so I just assumed we were breaking up. When he left I cried and to me it was a breakup.

 

I began casually dating again, to get my mind off things, but it didn't help much so I stopped. I'm not sure if he's dating, but he's been checking an online dating profile (where we met 10 months ago. I probably shouldnt be looking at it, I know.)

 

This past weekend he visited. At first it was just friendly but we ended up sleeping together twice. I did not feel bad about it - it was nice and comforting and there was no conflict whatsoever. When we went over to a friends house to watch TV, he held my hand and overall acted like we were a couple. When he's away he texts me about how much he misses me and things of this sort.

 

Now that he's been gone a few days I'm starting to feel terrible again. He still contacts me pretty much every day, and is always loving and positive, but I feel like I am in limbo. I'm emotionally tied to him and its painful that he's away and that we're both probably dating. He will be back in 2 months. (He's also coming to my familys thanksgiving, he really wanted to.)

 

I wish we could talk about our feelings and be more clear about what is happening. I know this is partially my fault, since it's very difficult for me to bring up difficult topics. (In fact, I only asked if we were breaking up because my therapist called me that day and suggested it.)

 

Even though he's coming back at the end of the year, he'll be moving to a new country in March, so that would be definitely the end of this. So I feel hesitant to open up and admit I'm in pain and vulnerable right now. When I'm actually physically with him, I don't feel any of these things and I don't think about them much. When he's gone .. I'm not sure what's happening, and I feel like I don't have all the information. What I truly want is an escape - I want him to break up with me and cut things off so I can move on, but he really really doesn't want to. I admit the friendship is important to me.

 

All my friends/therapist say I need to practice talking about my feelings. But it's so hard and I just don't know where to start.

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Im a little confused as to why an hour is so far away and such a barrier. I commute almost that far for work each day.

 

Neither of us have cars. I live in a big city and an hour away by car is a big deal. To me, if I can't see someone every day, it's difficult to feel like I'm in a relationship with them. Also my trust issues are kind of triggered. Now that were in the "twilight zone" of the breakup, I feel sad sometimes, but my trust issues aren't triggered. I dont feel like I'm being cheated on, which is important to me.

 

It's also important to note that before he left, we slept in the same bed every night, either my place or his. So the change was very significant for us.

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Neither of us have cars. I live in a big city and an hour away by car is a big deal. To me, if I can't see someone every day, it's difficult to feel like I'm in a relationship with them. Also my trust issues are kind of triggered. Now that were in the "twilight zone" of the breakup, I feel sad sometimes, but my trust issues aren't triggered. I dont feel like I'm being cheated on, which is important to me.

 

It's also important to note that before he left, we slept in the same bed every night, either my place or his. So the change was very significant for us.

 

Gotcha. Yes that does make it difficult.

 

I think the feelings you are processing are that you are definitely "involved" with this man, but the future shows he will be gone, and that future is appearing closer and closer.

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So basically, you broke up after 10 months. Now you feel like you are in limbo because he came to visit and you had sex and are mutually affectionate? And he's coming to visit in November? I don't think you need to talk to him. You need to talk to yourself. This thing has a shelf date of March 2014 anyway. So whatever it is will end soon regardless.

 

What it sounds like to me is that you are having ex sex and the comfort and routine feels good to you both. If he wanted to re-commit to a relationship he would have said something.

 

Talk to yourself. Tell yourself that in order to move on you need to sever from him. And that means not spending the holidays with him where you will likely 'act like a couple' and have sex but again not be committed. This is a dead-end waste in your life and the longer you let it llinger, the harder it will be for you to move on.

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I feel like I am in limbo. I'm emotionally tied to him and its painful that he's away and that we're both probably dating

 

You need to be telling him this and deciding what do you want? You need to communicate that to him the next time he comes face to face, not put it off or try to do it long distance by phone, email or text either.

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Your therapist tells you to work on this relationship? This relationship that will end one way or another due to his overseas plans?

 

Why would you prolong the pain? You're already too invested (and rightfully so as you weren't to know from the beginning that he would move cities). It'll be much harder in 4 months when he's gone.

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Before he left to this new city, I asked him "Are we breaking up?" And he was kind of unclear about it, saying "what else can we do?" so I just assumed we were breaking up. When he left I cried and to me it was a breakup.

 

Both of you are terrible at communication. You framed the question as negative (are we breaking up?) rather than positive (I would like to continue this relationship, what would you like to do?). His response was wishy washy. Then after all this wish washy talk where nobody is really that clear, the two of you continue the relationship without really knowing what is going on. Since he is moving away for good, it is better to end this sooner rather than later.

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I am an avoidant person, so all my gut instincts agree with you. I guess the one thing that has been holding me back is my therapists, who both think I should work on this relationship/talking about my feelings.

 

You can simply tell him that it is time for you to move on and in order to fully do that you need to cut contact with him. No Thanksgiving holiday. No chatting. No ex sex. No more.

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If the logistics of living an hour apart mean you can't drive to see each other, and he is leaving the country regardless in March, both of those argue at just making a clean break rather than getting more attached to him the next few months.

 

So I think since it will ultimately be over, and this is causing you pain, you're better off just cutting the connection that agreeing to these kind of FWB booty calls that just mess with your head. If you work on healing now, you'll be ready for a new relationship with a local guy much sooner.

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