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Very confused and sad, could use some advice


hoping4healing

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I am hoping someone can give me some insight. I became involved with a married man several months ago. I have been in an unhappy marriage that I cannot leave at the present time. Before you send me a nasty message, please understand that I am trapped in a situation and will leave as soon as it is viable for me to do so. Please understand also that I did not know that this man was married when we first met. Was I honest from the beginning about my situation? Yes. Should I have called it off when I found out that he was married as well? Of course. But when we talked he convinced me that his marriage was every bit as unhappy as mine was. Our communication has been mostly through email and we have only met a few times. What happened recently was this: He sent me a message telling me that he and his wife may be divorcing. I told him that I was sorry for the hardship he was going through and that I was there for him if he needed a friend. He had asked to get together a few weeks prior to this and I told him it wasn't a good time right then but maybe the following week. He couldn't make it then and so we didn't communicate for a bit.

I've basically heard nothing from him, no responses to my emails, nothing for several weeks. Without going into too much detail, I know that the divorce may well be happening because of some social media cues involving his wife's recent activity. What I'd like to know is why is he pulling away now, when he tried so hard to get me to stay before? I'm offering support, affection and companionship in the midst of a difficult time, but he's ignoring me. I sent him one last message 2 days ago saying that I was thinking of him and hoping he was doing okay.

I should also mention that he's been incredibly busy with work and school full time but those have always been factors. This is the longest stretch of time without any word, even though he's prone to long silences when overwhelmed with work,etc. I just don't know if this means he doesn't want to see me any more or if he's just pulling back because of what is going on and it's too hard to communicate right now.

Please help me try to understand, and

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Why do you need help understanding his present silence? I think it would be obvious. You're not his priority. If he was really interested you wouldn't be sitting around agonising over when he's going to make contact. You choose your situation (to play second fiddle to a married man who has more important things going on than you) so live with the consequences of them.

 

Oh and don't say you can't leave your marriage. That's a cop out and a really weak excuse. I hope your soon to be ex-husband finds someone far more loyal, trustworthy and honest than you've turned out to be.

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Well, I know you came here for advice, however, this is a rough one. It's rough in that there is absolutely no way to say with any certainty what is going on with his lack of communications right now.

 

If, in fact, he is going through a divorce right now, the last thing he needs is for there to be a 'trail' of phone calls, texts and emails for someone to bring up and use against him. Remember, phone bills contain details on the number called, received call from, text to number and text from number. If it is a shared account, then that information is readily available on the hardcopy bill if he receives one or the online version. If his wife employs a PI, then his email account is also at jeopardy of getting hacked (which is illegal, however is common practice) and your email exchanges could be exploited against him.

 

Who knows, he may even begun to reconcile with his wife. I don't give any credence to anything on FB. A lot of it is trash and can be slanted to manipulate someone. Any input from any source that is not highly trusted is not, in my opinion, viable.

 

There are obviously other ways that he could contact you. He hasn't though. And why not? Without hearing from him, there's no way to answer that.

 

Maybe now you could spend the time to get into your own situation and get it resolved. You didn't provide much information regarding what is keeping you and why you are 'trapped'. If you need advice on that, you'll need to expound a bit. Your current situation in your own marriage needs to be attended to before getting involved with anyone else. You will need time to get yourself in order before bringing unresolved baggage to another relationship which could very well sabotage the new relationship from the very beginning.

 

Understand that the situation that you presented isn't going to garner much support or sympathetic responses from most folks. I'm hoping that, before this thread gets tore up too badly, that those that want to be caustic understand that we're not here to judge anyone.

 

You asked for advice and this is the best I can give in light of your current situation(s). Please take the time to get your own situation in order before complicating things further.

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No judgment here, for a variety of reasons. We all do what we feel we have to do to get us through the night. I am curious, though, as to how you met this guy.

 

The only thing I can tell you is that this is a man who made it a practice to lie to his wife (lied to her by omission while being involved with you), lied to you about his marital status . . . he's a liar. As such, you really have no idea if his marriage was as bad as he said it was. In fact, it likely wasn't. From what little you told us, my assumption is that the potential divorce is not his idea. When this happens and a man is faced with divorce, he inevitably goes into "OMG I have to save my marriage!" mode. This means he has probably forgotten you ever existed. I would bet my last dollar he has turned into his wife's lapdog. I'm sorry. The good news ("good" defined as hearing from him again) when things settle down--roughly six months but maybe sooner--he will most definitely contact you with more tales of woe, including the possibility of hooking up again.

 

Regarding you being "trapped", well, I was trapped in a dreadful marriage for five years before I was able to get my ducks in a row enough to bail. So it definitely happens, I know first-hand. You will do well to have goals, including a timeline, and it's best not to even hint of divorce until you're ready to act, because assets have a way of disappearing and bank accounts mysteriously emptied when the STBxSpouse gets wind of something off.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you're successful in getting your life back. It's worth it.

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There's no way I can "make it pretty for you," so here's my opinion from experience.

 

It was really nice, fun, and exciting to have you while he was married.

 

Spouse discovered he isn't the man she thought and is looking at leaving him.

 

And he has no intention of making an honest woman out of you or anyone else he might be seeing outside of his marriage. The last thing a lot of philanderers want to do, male or female, is encourage a relationship that will actually demand something of them. They don't want commitment except as a safety net. So when it looks like their safe zone is disappearing, they do all they can to salvage it. Including telling the spouse how little their affairs mattered.

 

Many cheaters don't stop to think about the involvement and impact they have on the "other women/men" beyond making sure the one they're married to doesn't find out.

 

While it might not be the case - I'd be prepared to not hear from him again unless he wants another flirtation if his marriage stabilizes.

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