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Breaking up after 6 years


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I posted a thread in the Relationship forum some weeks ago, at that moment I wasn't sure if we we're breaking up. Three weeks ago we had an argument which led to me asking if she needed some time to deal with some problems that we were having. She said that it might be useful, although she didn't want to break up or see other people. The texted me telling me she loved me. The next day I called her, wanting to tell her that I thought that we could talk it though and that time wasn't necesary. She was very cold and told me that she didn't want to talk and that we definitely needed some time off; she said that she was very confused and needed some time apart.


After a week of NC, I emailed her telling her how I was feeling and asking her to elaborate on what she was feeling, since I didn't see it coming and really had little to go on regarding her confusion and where that left us. She emailed back and told me that for some time she hadn't felt "passion" between us, and that she loved me as she would love a life partner, but not a couple. She said that she needed time alone to figure herself out. I emailed her back and told her that I understood, but thought that maybe we could share more of our feelings, still thinking that the time off didn't imply us breaking up. I told her that as far as it concerned me, I didn't want things to end. As a sidenote I have to say that I got into her email (yeah, big mistake) and saw she had booked a hotel room at the beach where a fling she had lives. Of course, all I can do is speculate, and I know that she went there with her brother and her brother's girlfriend.


It's been 3 weeks of NC now. Needless to say I'm very confused, since we went from being together almost every day and talking a lot to complete coldness. What's more, we had been talking about going abroad and making plans for the holidays. We had even talked about a more long term future (making a family). I try to put everything out of my mind, everyday, the good and the bad, otherwise it hurts too much and I get stuck on it. I suspect that there must be someone else but I can't confirm it; it's hard to explain the radical distance she has put between us. She never said, explicitly at least, that she wanted to break up, saying only that we needed some time alone and that we shouldn't bear any expectations. She never emailed me back when I told her I didn't want us to break up, so I guess that could be interpreted as a sign. We used to go to mandarin class every saturday. Of the last three classes, two were cancelled and I missed one on account of work. Next saturday we have a class and I am really confused as to whether I should go or not. After all, these will go on for the next two months. I have the feeling that it will be super awkward for me, I have the feeling that she is happy, calm and has moved on. Anyhow, I wanted to share this and ask for input, both in general and particular to the NC "rule" and whether I should discontinue the classes.. Thanks.

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She went cold because you went back on your agreement. The break talk was difficult for both of you, and she resented you for coming back to say you no longer wanted to give her the time and space you had agreed to give her.


You essentially forced her into repeating the difficult talk, so her coldness reflects her resolve to avoid having it yet again.


I'd withdraw from the class and sign up for a different one or postpone the same one for a later date. I'd operate 'as if' this is a full breakup. If she ever has a change of heart, she knows how to reach you. You'll get to decide then how you feel and how you want to handle that.


The more you pursue, the more you'll push her away. I'd avoid that. Your grief is real, it's painful, and that's understandable and natural. She cannot be the one you reach for to alleviate it--that won't work, and it won't get you what you want.


Head high, and write more if it helps.

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To cut a long story short, we ended up exchanging some emails today. She was really harsh, telling me that it was over, that I had to let her go, that I shouldn't expect her to ever get in touch with me and that she didn't want us seeing eachother again. I really don't know what is going on. A month ago she was cuddling with me, both talking about how happy we were together.. and in a matter of weeks she is telling me that there is nothing between us. It's as if half the world has gone dark.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this.


Here's a recovery guide written by a fellow ENA member that might be helpful for you in getting through these next few days: link removed


The best thing you can do for now is protect yourself from having anymore contact or being exposed to any information about her through third parties or online through social networks. Right now it's about healing and getting over the shock and protecting yourself from fresh incoming pain.


Keep posting!

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Well, one month ago YOU were happy.... and she was most likely pretending to be happy while secretly withdrawing from you emotionally and preparing herself for the breakup.


I know -- I've been completely blindsided by breakups not once, but twice. Both times with men with whom our futures were all planned out and everything seemed great. Looking back after the breakup there were a few subtle signs, but in general people are very good at pretending to still *be there* with you in the happy in-love phase of the relationship.


It's not really meant to cause you pain..... I think part of them is still conflicted and trying to convince themselves they're still happy as much as convince you.....


But you can be sure that there was A LOT of thought and conflict before the actual breakup. She had been gradually moving on and preparing herself... so while the shock is still fresh for you, she's already accepted it as a *done deal* by the time the breakup happens.

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