t1lersm0m1 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Share Posted October 23, 2013 I am the "Adult Child of an Alcoholic". Wow, if you Google that phrase, you will get MANY results. Never knew that title came with so much pain and shame. As a result, I was full of self-hatred. I realized that part last year after I pushed a good guy away. I turned that self-hatred into self-love by reading self-help books and doing a lot of soul searching. So, you would think loving myself would mean I'm all better. If only it was that easy. You see, while I do truly "love myself", and know I'm a good person who deserves happiness, I found out I have other issues I need to deal with. One was discovered by someone on this site - Abandonment issues. These are common in "Adult Children of Alcoholics". Whenever my ex bf and I had any kind of conflict, he ignored me, and I went crazy. It was the fear of abandonment. I sincerely felt the conflict was going to lead to a break up, and had to FIX IT, ASAP. At all costs. Calling, texting, emailing, relentlessly. I even drove to his house unannounced a few times, and blamed HIM for MAKING ME DRIVE THERE. There were times he was not ignoring me (according to him), but because he had ignored me in the past, I jumped to the conclusion he was ignoring me, and went through the whole abandonment thing. My second vice (and I really hope this is the last one), is I am co-dependant. That is also the result of being an "Adult Child of an Alcoholic". There's a great link I found link removed and it gives you a list of traits of co-dependant people. •Low self-esteem •Not liking or accepting yourself •Feeling you're inadequate in some way •Thinking you’re not quite enough •Worrying you are or could be a failure •Concerned with what other people think about you •Perfectionism •Pleasing others and giving up yourself •Poor boundaries •Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner •Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close •Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid •Reactivity •Dysfunctional Communication •Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings •Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse •Abusive language •Lack of assertiveness about your needs •Dependency •Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship •Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave •Relying too much on others opinions Intimacy problems •Avoidance of closeness •Losing yourself •Trying to control or manipulate others •Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship •Denial •Denial of codependency •Denial about a painful reality in your relationship •Denial of your feelings •Denial of your needs •Caretaking •Control •Controlling your own feelings •Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do •Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation) •Obsessions •Addiction to a substance or process •Painful emotions •Shame •Anxiety •Fear •Guilt •Hopelessness •Despair •Depression I've bolded the traits that apply to me. Wow. MOST of them. This is really eye opening. I have a few books about co-dependancy in my Amazon wishlist. I wanted to fix my most recent ex. He is broken, and I wanted to fix him. Because he is broken, I should have walked away. But I didn't because I don't know how to end relationships. I an growing. I am learning. And I will never again repeat the mitakes I've made. I am amazing, and I deserve happiness. I am going to find my happily ever after! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 29, 2013 Author Share Posted October 29, 2013 Felt pretty good a few weeks ago, then bam, felt like crap again for about a week. I'm back to feeling much better. I barely think about E. I think of him in passing, not about specific moments we shared. I no longer feel the longing I felt. I really think finding my self-confidence last year has helped me with this healing process. Started dating R a littel over a week ago. We went bowling and to dinner last weekend. Friday we had dinner and drinks. Sunday we saw Gravity (very good movie!) and had pizza. He walked me to my car and kissed me. Date three and we kissed. I liked it. We talk daily. He sends me a good morning email, and then we talk in the evenings for 10-30 minutes. The attention is very nice. E is never coming back. If he came back now, I wouldn't accept him. But if he came back 6+ months from now and I was single, I'd entertain the idea of grabbing a coffee. My life is about me. Me as a whole person, not some broken person like I was last year. Finding confidence does wonders for a person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted November 16, 2013 Author Share Posted November 16, 2013 I can't believe a little over a year ago, I thought my heart would never be whole again. Then I met a man even better than B. He was such a better fit. But now, looking back logically after the pain has subsided, I know he wasn't the one for me. Had we met at a different time, he may have been. But we didn't meet at a different time. We met when we met. He wasn't over his wife, and he hadn't found his confidence yet. I know one day he'll be over his wife, but the confidence part, there's NO guarantee he'll ever find that. I could have been very unhappy for a very long time. Now, this weekend, it'll be a month since I started seeing R. R has no kids. He's had no serious relationships in 2+ years because he travels for work and has a hard time finding women who are ok with that. So far we've made it work seeing each other on weekends. I was happy with E the first time we dated. Then we broke up. When we got back together, I was unhappy. But I loved him, so I tried sticking it out. Even though he ended it, he did me a favor. I know that now, in my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Share Posted May 29, 2014 Onto the next break up. I've posted a few different places, and I may do the same thing, copy and paste my other posts into this thread. I don't know. I really enjoy journaling and getting my feelings out. I started dating Rich in mid-October. I'll admit, I wasn't over Erik and never should have been dating. And while I was dating Rich, and even after the break up with Rich, I was trying to get Erik to talk to me. I must start and remain in no contact with Erik. He has been on radio silence for a VERY long time and isn't coming back. How could I love Rich when I still thought about Erik? Anyway, my break up with Rich is final. He was a wonderful man who treated me great, and our relationship was amazing, but deep down inside I know he wasnt' the man for me. We had no passion in our relationship. The sex was not great at all, it was very unspectacular. But I couldn't/wouldn't break up with him. Other than the passion/sex, our relationship was amazing. We broke up because he is black, my mother didn't approve and I lived with her. For the first time in my life I am out on my own. I am solely responsible for my son and I. His Dad hasn't paid child support in about a year. He claims he will start in June but we shall see. I need to let go of these men who didn't make me happy. Being in a secure relationship shouldn't mean I am willing to sacrifice my happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 My head is so screwed up right now. That's why I have to take this time to heal me, and my "inner child." I wasn't really fair to Rich, if I'm being honest with myself. I still loved Erik when we met. And now that I understand what makes Rich tick, that he thinks that because he is black he is better off not being alive, I realize why I still held onto Erik. It's all my fault anyway. I take full responsiblity. I thought I was emotionally healed when I met Erik. But through that relationship and break up, I realized I still had a long way to go. I had no business dating Rich. I was still hung up on Erik, and still have so much pain from my past to heal. I guess, based on Rich's viewpoint, he has no business dating either. That explains why he wasn't in a relationship for two years, and why he only had short relationships after his wife something like 7 years ago. I'm on a beautiful journey of self-love and self discovery. I thought I had found self-love, but I realize now that I had just masked the pain, I didnt' actually heal it. Because in the throws of a break up, my abandonment issues rear their ugly head, and I go back to feeling unloveable and undeserving of love. Leigh, you have a long road ahead of you. Let's take it one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Share Posted June 8, 2014 When my dad died, my mom said "maybe the wrong person died." I feel so much guilt in sometimes agreeing with that sentiment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 I feel like I'm in an odd place right now emotionally. So I think for a bit I will write in my solo journal. I really missed Rich yesterday. Or probably just the relationship and the connection, more than the person. I've decided, through guidance in ACA, that I am going to take a year off of dating. But the year doesn't start now, it starts when I began attending ACA meetings. So I'm roughly 6 weeks into being single and focused on me. That means 46 weeks to go. Who knows, at the end I might just do 52 weeks from now, I'm sure once I make it through 46 weeks, another 6 weeks should be easy peasy. LOL I'm feeling so lonely right now. I can't stand the way I feel. I miss the companionship of a relationship. I am an introvert, so have no problem filling a lot of my time alone...but I miss that human connection. I'm almost tempted to post an ad on craigslist just to find companionship. But I know that's just a distraction from the important work I need to do on myself. Being in a relationship takes the focus off of me. LIke when Rich and I were broken up, I kept saying if we get back together I'm going to need us to focus on our intimacy because I need it to be improved. That was a way of taking the focus off of me. I didn't know how, and still struggle with, focusing on me. I hand wrote in a journal last night. It's different than typing in a journal online. Typing is quick and easy, aside from my occassional typo I have to go back and fix. My thoughts flow pretty quickly when I journal online. But hand writing it was a lot more time consuming. But it still helped. I only journaled about 10 minutes before bed. I have so many thoughts in my head, I need to get them all out. I need to work through this, and process everything, my life, my successes, my failures, my strengths, my weaknesses, I have to work through them all. I will come out of this year the strongest person I've ever been. "I never lose...I only win or learn." That's my new motto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 I seriously feel out of sorts. Not sure what this feeling is. It's really bothering me. I feel like I'm in outer space or something. Like I'm just floating through. I'm not happy or sad or angry. I don't feel optimistic or pessimistic. I just...don't really feel anything. Through depression and laziness I've lost some money and I'm really angry with myself. It's nothing compared to the money I lost while with my financially irresponsible ex husband. How I could ignore my instincts and trust him with so many things is beyond me. I'm really trying to practice the serenity prayer "Accept the things I cannot change", but I'm struggling with it right now. I try to put my financial losses in perspective by comparing losses to others. I have a friend who was gambling to the tune of $400 a month. I have another friend who has cashed out everything, including her pension/401K and now has nothing because she suffers from depression and can't keep a job due to it. I know another friend who constantly struggles with debt and has no money saved. But I shouldn't take pleasure in others' suffering. And I really don't think I'm doing that. I just need to learn from my mistakes and know to ALWAYS listen to my instintcts. Nature gave me instincts for a reason...I NEED to listen to them. I need to make better decisions when it comes to money, and stop procrastinating. I can't complain financially. Although I've made poor decisions in the past I have investments worth a decent sum, and a retirement portfolio worth over $100K. I'm on my own with my son, taking care of us financially alone, with no outside support. My boss submitted me for a promotion which will give my salary a 5% boost. I owe $6000 on a 401K loan and have $4000 I can send in on that, and will soon get the other $2000 to pay it off. That will give me an extra $260 a month in my pocket to support my son and I. I plan to increase my contribution to a profit-sharing plan my company has, so that in a year I will have a few thousand more saved/invested. My whole life now has to focus on decreased debt and increased saving/investments. When I was in high school I wanted to be financially independent. While I'm there now, I want to ensure my future financial independance. I never want to rely on anyone but myself. Not that I plan to put a wall up, but I need to know I can make it on my own,if I have to do it for the rest of my life. I don't want handouts from a man, and I will never give a man handouts. Ideally, my future will include a financially independent man who will bring fulfillment to my life. Someone who can be my best friend, lover, soul mate, my equal. Someone who will add to my life in every way. And someone who's life I will add to as well. Someone who will complement my life. But before any of that can happen, I need to work on becoming the best me possible. I need to not focus on my future soul mate. I need to focus on me. I hate the way I feel right now. I feel like I'm in limbo. This feels terrible. It's like a LACK of feeling, if that makes sense. Like I just feel BLAH. I wish I understood it. I don't like this feeling. I hope it passes soon. Like I could almost probably describe this as catatonic....I need to google that definition...because it almost feels like it might be the right word. characterized by a marked lack of movement, activity, or expression Yes, it feels like "Characterized by a marked lack of expression." That feels like this. I really don't like this at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 testing testing...I'm trying to see if I delete my profile pic if it only deletes it from new posts, since it's still tied to my old posts.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 I'm out of the funk I was in two days ago. My brother has happy news. He's making a lot of money, and now a different company wants to fly him to GA for an interview and pay him even more. I'm very very happy for him. He keeps saying he never thought he'd make this much money, and he doesn't know why people believe in him like they do. I always thought he came away from my Mom's alcoholism unscathed, but I don't think that's the case. I was reading my ACA book about the "class clown" and that seems to be the personna of my brother. He is the life of the party, seems confident, everyone that meets him loves him. And it's paying in his job. But I think deep down he's unhappy and not sure, because he is also an ACA. I'm on a good financial path, I just really wish I could change the past and fix things. I wasted so much money, and threw so much away, and let my ex husband throw so much money. If I was financially smart and stuck to my guns I could have a house completely paid for right now. I can't change the past. I can only learn and grow, and not repeat mistakes. There's a guy at work who is interestd in me. He nowhere comes close to measuring up to the men I date. Besides that fact, he also was looking for a backup plan while with his girlfriend. He was in a new relationship and said to me "Let me know if you become single again so I don't miss another opportunity." He's a big time player. So in many ways, he would never qualify to date me. This whole not dating for a year is really gonna suck, especially since I'm not even going to have sex. Man, I have no idea how I'll make it through. But I know in my heart I have to do this to be a better person, to really get to know "healthy me", and to not rely on relationships to distract me from the emotional work I have to do. I can't wait to go to my ACA meeting on Sunday. I look forward to that meeting ALL week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 So rather than starting a new solo journal, I'm going to begin writing here more regularly, or at least trying to. This will be the "Getting Leigh Back" journal. I know I'm not ready to date now, but don't think taking a FULL year off is necessary either. I've gained weight and I'm hugely ANGRY with myself for treating my body this way. So my focus right now will be improving emotionally and physically..rather than focusing on emotional growth and once that's accomplished working on my physical health. I plan to start drinking as much water as possible, taking vitamins, and eating healthy/whole foods rather than all the processed junk I've been comfort eating. I get paid Friday and I'm in a good place financially and working on improving it. So I will be able to go to the store and stock up on good nutritious foods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted August 10, 2014 Author Share Posted August 10, 2014 I went to Domestic Relations yesterday. I've talked about doing it, but I finally pulled the trigger yesterday. It's funny, my ex's wife acts like she can't stand me, but she "follows" me on FB. Well, today I blocked both of them. We got Tyler's bedroom furniture last week. Then yesterday I filed for support. I shouldn't be responsible for supporting our son alone. Just because he got a new family..... I'm going to ACA tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it. I know I need to go to OA. I'm really drawn there. Monday or Wednesday, I am going, no more excuses. I need to get healthy, for no one else but me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 I made plans for my friend Karyn to come see my apartment tomorrow over dinner. Then I realized I have a therapy appointment. But I absolutely HATE canceling on people, so I will just push our dinner plans back a little and prepare some of the food ahead of time tonight. I actually felt better at my ACA meeting yesterday than I thought I would. I spent a lot of money on healthy food so I can start losing this weight. Hopefully I can sneak out of work a little early so I can go home and prep some of the food for dinner tomorrow so I can still make the OA meeting this evening. I have dinner plans with a different friend Wednesday (I treated her to sushi last time, so she wants to treat me to sushi this time). So I'm out of my isolation funk, and I will finish an online class this week, then have next week off before I begin two new classes. (One is a full semester online class, so the workload should be light, and one is an in person class at an accelerated level, so the workload will be higher). But I kinda messed up, my book for the one class is almost $300 and I spent a ton of money on healthy food. I also took the week of August 17th off to spend time with Tyler, and have no money to do anything except go fora picnic or something. This summer with moving out on my own has definitely taught me how to find things to do that don't cost money. Anyway, I have a 401K loan I took out to buy my Disney Timeshare (yeah, dumb, but it was before I moved out, and I actually rented it this year to help pay off my 401K loan). I owe my mom $800, so i took out a second 401K loan to pay the first one off and the $800 I owe my Mom. That will free up $280.00 a month for me. Plus I will start getting child support soon. The original 401K loan was $10K. It is currently $5700. I rented my timeshare for $4044, so I took out a new loan for $3000 to payoff the first loan and my Mom. The old loan was $130+ per pay, this one will only be $40+ per pay. Any time I get extra money I'm going to send it in on the new $3000 loan so I don't owe anything. I hate taking loans against my 401K but my credit score is only about 600 (my ex husband was so financially irresponsible and I was dumb to trust him). I really want to buy a fixer upper home next year for my son and I. A place we can call our own. I'm paying $790 a month in rent, so if I can buy a home for cash and not have a payment, only have to pay taxes and utilities, it will save me a lot of money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 My son's father (also my ex husband) and his family are going to Outer Banks Sunday. Tyler was supposed to go with them,but he called his Dad last night to tell him he doesn't want to go. Of course, the 40 year old man told our 16 year old son he needs to grow up and start acting like a 16 year old. All because Tyler tried telling him that he's asked repeatedly for one on one time with his father, and has never gotten it. His father said we are a family, we do things as a family. This all stems from my ex husband's new wife and her SEVERE insecurity. My heart breaks for my son. Thank God he has me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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