How do tell my friend she can't bring her kid over??

[sammi87]

Wow, Annie! I wouldn't have thought so either... Makes you realize what a kid centric world we live in these days!!

[itsallgrand]

It is possible then that she probably can't pay for the babysitter she brings her child everywhere. Or like myself she just doesn't like babysitters. Either way though you do have a right to have things go your way at your house. Just tell her no kids allowed after 9 o'clock. If she comes she comes if she doesn't she doesn't. Some things have to be sacrificed to be a parent.

 

I have a friend like that. She doesn't trust her children with anyone, so the kids come everywhere. Even gatherings for grown ups where other people's kids have been bundled up for a night a gmas or the babysitters.

 

You have to be firm on boundaries with these people. And if they get offended; when you can't go around living your life worrying about offending everyone for the choices they themselves make.

 

It's so easy to throw out a "So I've got X that night. Is it alright if he/she comes?". Consideration needs to go both ways.

[Seraphim]

I have a friend like that. She doesn't trust her children with anyone, so the kids come everywhere. Even gatherings for grown ups where other people's kids have been bundled up for a night a gmas or the babysitters.

 

You have to be firm on boundaries with these people. And if they get offended; when you can't go around living your life worrying about offending everyone for the choices they themselves make.

 

It's so easy to throw out a "So I've got X that night. Is it alright if he/she comes?". Consideration needs to go both ways.

 

This is true the only person I trusted with my son was my mother or my brother. So if neither one could take him I just didn't go. And truth be known I would've rather spend the time with my child then going out anyway. But yes you have to have strict boundaries with some folks. I just understood that being a parent meant you can't go to everything.

[sammi87]

Oh, I would have no problem at all if she said she couldn't come because she couldn't get a sitter! My guests are always free to decline an invite

 

And sorry...but how did this get to be about who "means" more? Of course her daughter means the world to her. But...occasionally going out without her to a party doesn't mean she is choosing the friend over the child.

[sammi87]

Thank you for your perspective, A Little Blue! She also has arranged for the kiddo's father to keep her when she's going on a date or out to a bar.

 

And I guess that's partly why I'm so flummoxed...she seems to get that there ARE times kids shouldn't be around...but hasn't realized cocktail parties with ZERO other children in attendance aren't one of them, lol!

[Cheetarah]

Yes, you just have to make it clear that it's an adult gathering, and give her ample notice so she can arrange a sitter if she wants or can. I am a single mom and I don't think that's offensive at all. It's a COCKTAIL PARTY! She may not be able to go, but that's a part of it and not anyone's fault.

 

My guess is, her being a single mom, she's desperate for 'adult time' but it's not coming very easy to her, maybe with child care, financial reasons, whatever the case is. Still, there's a time and place for kids and a cocktail party isn't it.

[itsallgrand]

This is true the only person I trusted with my son was my mother or my brother. So if neither one could take him I just didn't go. And truth be known I would've rather spend the time with my child then going out anyway. But yes you have to have strict boundaries with some folks. I just understood that being a parent meant you can't go to everything.

 

Of course. It just seems so silly to me that there needs to be so much worry about offense between friends. Friends should be able to talk, and be considerate of each other. Single, married, with kids or without.

 

I mean, sometimes as a single person I decline too. Because I'd rather get the sleep that night, or have to be up early for work, or simply have other priorities.

 

I have to admit it makes me crazy to show up somewhere and people are walking on eggshells because...oh no...don't offend the parent! Well whatever. It's a person; same general behavior and etiquette applies to everyone.

[abitbroken]

why such a drama about what she might think? the next time you plan a cocktail party - no need to address it now when no party is on the horizon - tell her "i am having a cocktail party a week from Friday. this one is adults only. If you can't come i understand, but junior is more than welcome at the football watching party on sunday."

[ParisPaulette]

Tell her in plain, simple English that any event you want to be child free is just that "child free". Probably a good way to put it is in your invitation state "No one under the age of 18 is invited or allowed, this is an adults only party. Thank you." And if she still shows up with her child in tow politely tell her that the invitation was very clear, there are activities that simply are not suitable for children and that she needs to make suitable arrangements for her child to be watched then she can come back. Don't cave or react if she gets upset, simply stay calm and repeat what you have said and gently steer her out or don't let her in to begin with.

 

Some people are so clueless that they really don't get that it is indeed not suitable to have children at a party where there is alcohol and smoking and such. These are the same people who will let their six-year-old watch Saw and then wonder why the kid pees the bed and has nightmares and acts out in school afterwards. Okay, enough of my ranting about bad parenting.

[sammi87]

Shooting, I would agree with you if the child remained content during the evening. But she doesn't. I think that's a clear indicator that she's unhappy and tired being so out of her routine.

It doesn't harm once in a while ....the things you end up doing as a single parent ..kid in it's jimmy jams in a buggy at 10 on a night at the local shop because you ran out of something ...

 

so please don't put this on her parenting skills ...just be kind and direct so she knows where she stands .

[sammi87]

why such a drama about what she might think? the next time you plan a cocktail party - no need to address it now when no party is on the horizon - tell her "i am having a cocktail party a week from Friday. this one is adults only. If you can't come i understand, but junior is more than welcome at the football watching party on sunday."

 

Drama? I don't know if it's dramatic not to want to hurt a friend's feelings...but okay. I do know that people are sensitive about their children and how their parenting skills stack up. My mom is a teacher and she often has to report bad behavior to parents (such as one kid who was intentionally & repeatedly shutting the other kid's fingers in doors...) and the responses she gets...unbelievably defensive.

 

Also...there is a party on the horizon. Our Halloween cocktail party in coming up in 2 wks. Even though one of my husband's friends brings a pinata EVERY yr filled with cigarettes, mini bottles of booze, condoms, lotto tickets and naked playing cards...my friend has just rsvp'd that she and child are coming.

[sammi87]

This is SO nuts to me. How do parents find themselves without one, single being out there they trust enough to leave their kid with for a few hrs? And what does it do to the kids? How do they cope the first time they really do HAVE to be alone (like first day of school)?

I have a friend like that. She doesn't trust her children with anyone, so the kids come everywhere. Even gatherings for grown ups where other people's kids have been bundled up for a night a gmas or the babysitters.

 

You have to be firm on boundaries with these people. And if they get offended; when you can't go around living your life worrying about offending everyone for the choices they themselves make.

 

It's so easy to throw out a "So I've got X that night. Is it alright if he/she comes?". Consideration needs to go both ways.

[Fudgie]

I'd call her and tell her that you're sorry but no kids since it's an adult party and tell her you'd understand if she can't come.

 

Seriously, your Halloween party sounds awesome. Don't let your friends and her kid louse it up.

[abitbroken]

Drama? I don't know if it's dramatic not to want to hurt a friend's feelings...but okay. I do know that people are sensitive about their children and how their parenting skills stack up. My mom is a teacher and she often has to report bad behavior to parents (such as one kid who was intentionally & repeatedly shutting the other kid's fingers in doors...) and the responses she gets...unbelievably defensive.

 

People are speculating that she won't want to be friends, will get offended, etc. Your mom might be a teacher - but you are not the kids' teacher. You will NOT tell your friend about her parenting that she is a bad mom for having her kid out late or that she should know better. I think where you are worried is that you did not set a precedent from the get go.

 

You are simply telling her that she is welcome to come, but this time the party is adults only. If she presses say that no other kids will be there and tell her that she deserves a girls night to let loose. If she can't find a sitter, tell her you are having another in three weeks or recommend someone.

[sammi87]

Of course. It just seems so silly to me that there needs to be so much worry about offense between friends. Friends should be able to talk, and be considerate of each other. Single, married, with kids or without.

 

I mean, sometimes as a single person I decline too. Because I'd rather get the sleep that night, or have to be up early for work, or simply have other priorities.

 

I have to admit it makes me crazy to show up somewhere and people are walking on eggshells because...oh no...don't offend the parent! Well whatever. It's a person; same general behavior and etiquette applies to everyone.

 

I would like to believe that! But in my experience, there truly are hot-button subjects for people. For instance, while I might tell a friend her hair cut looks uneven with no worries...I would never tell her she has gained several pounds. And I think kids are one of those subjects that many people are just hyper sensitive about.

[itsallgrand]

People are speculating that she won't want to be friends, will get offended, etc. Your mom might be a teacher - but you are not the kids' teacher. You will NOT tell your friend about her parenting that she is a bad mom for having her kid out late or that she should know better. I think where you are worried is that you did not set a precedent from the get go.

 

You are simply telling her that she is welcome to come, but this time the party is adults only. If she presses say that no other kids will be there and tell her that she deserves a girls night to let loose. If she can't find a sitter, tell her you are having another in three weeks or recommend someone.

 

Yeah, I think this is pretty near perfect.

[tattoobunnie]

OMG - we are these parents! Well not anymore - we go with getting our kid babysat, even though all he will do is babysit. When we were out in Hawaii last, our friend asked him to join him for a housewarming his friend was throwing. He said he told them we were all coming, baby in tow, and we got there - and our kid was a definite surprise. Granted, he's really well-behaved in public, and everyone played with him, but we had no clue it was an adults only party either.

 

I'd just give her advanced notice that it's adults only. If you give her less than a week, then, eh, crappy. But two weeks? Done. Anyone can make arrangements in that time.

[sammi87]

People are speculating that she won't want to be friends, will get offended, etc. Your mom might be a teacher - but you are not the kids' teacher. You will NOT tell your friend about her parenting that she is a bad mom for having her kid out late or that she should know better. I think where you are worried is that you did not set a precedent from the get go.

 

You are simply telling her that she is welcome to come, but this time the party is adults only. If she presses say that no other kids will be there and tell her that she deserves a girls night to let loose. If she can't find a sitter, tell her you are having another in three weeks or recommend someone.

 

No, I would not tell her directly that her kid acts badly and it's probably due to the fact that she is in an unsuitable environment. But you are correct that the lack of precedent complicates things.

 

Such as not being able to use "no other kids will be there" as an answer because her kid has always been the only kid at these parties.....

[Seraphim]

This is SO nuts to me. How do parents find themselves without one, single being out there they trust enough to leave their kid with for a few hrs? And what does it do to the kids? How do they cope the first time they really do HAVE to be alone (like first day of school)?

 

Kids can cope just fine. My son never had a sitter that was not a family member i.e. my mother, my brother. His first day of JK he was three years old he said "bye mom I don't need you here have a good day" he was perfectly fine.

[Moontiger]

No, I would not tell her directly that her kid acts badly and it's probably due to the fact that she is in an unsuitable environment. But you are correct that the lack of precedent complicates things.

 

Such as not being able to use "no other kids will be there" as an answer because her kid has always been the only kid at these parties.....

 

Parents often have a lot of blind spots when it comes to their kids. (no offense to the parents here, I'm just going off my experience), even when an invitation says "adult only" some parents turn that into, "adults-only-unless-I can't-find-a-sitter-and-my-child-is-always-the-exception-anyway" So, if she does show up with her kid after you have made clear in the invite that its adult only you will need to have a more direct talk with her. Call her up before the next get together and say something like, "Hey, I wanted to check in with you about the adult (event) I'm planning. There is going to be a lot of alcohol, adult themed games, etc. I don't think (kids name) would have a very good time. I wanted to give you enough notice to arrange for a baby-sitter." You not asking her to not bring her kid, but you are communicating very clearly what it is you want.

[Batya33]

Kids can cope just fine. My son never had a sitter that was not a family member i.e. my mother, my brother. His first day of JK he was three years old he said "bye mom I don't need you here have a good day" he was perfectly fine.

 

Same thing here -he had a sitter once or twice (right before bedtime) and he was the same exact way the first day of school, age 3. The posts about parents being hypersensitive are interesting -from my perspective (parent of a 4-year old) I find that pet owners are like that. What concerned me was the opposite issue - the adults who wanted us to include our child in situations we didn't think was appropriate -like at a restaurant at bedtime, or coming to our house around his bedtime (that used to be a problem - we needed everything calm and quiet at that time and it's hard to handle that if you have people over).

 

And, there was the friend who really wanted me to meet her new boyfriend and boyfriend didn't like to eat early (so our son couldn't come). I offered that my husband and I would take turns spending time with them at a restaurant down the block - but she insisted it be a couples even the whole night or her boyfriend would feel uncomfortable. Seemed to me she was the one being hypersensitive there. I do think parents of young children often are a target in the ways described in this thread and it's a shame.

[dangletsbang]

I fully agree with this, I think it's the best way to approach it without offending. If I received an invite to a cocktail party, I would just assume that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to bring my 3 year old. I'm a young [23], if there's certain adult themed events that aren't appropriate for my son to attend and my mom/sister/other family member can't watch him..I just don't go.

[ParisPaulette]

Even though one of my husband's friends brings a pinata EVERY yr filled with cigarettes, mini bottles of booze, condoms, lotto tickets and naked playing cards...my friend has just rsvp'd that she and child are coming.

 

It's really simple. You tell her "(Husband's friend) is bringing a pinata filled with cigarettes, mini bottles of booze, condoms, lotto tickets and naked playing cards. And it is not appropriate to bring your kid to this party, because those things will be there. BTW as the party host I do not want something like that on my head, so you and your child are NOT invited. You are if you can find a babysitter though. However little (girl's name) is invited to our barbecue party the following Sunday since that one is kid friendly. But this one isn't, and I'd feel like a really bad friend if I didn't warn you about all this right now."

 

And you leave it at that. Besides bluntly speaking she should be with her kid doing kid Halloween things anyways. Not going to this type of a party and dragging her child to it. Sorry, your party sounds awesome but totally, completely inappropriate for a kid. And if for some reason the cops show up at your place they might be less than understanding to find a little girl there with condoms, naked playing cards and booze all over the place. Just my own two cents.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Why anyone would jump to the conclusion that you 'hate her kid' because you don't want them around the grown ups drinking, cussing, and smoking is beyond me.

Well, I've seen that happen where the parents were angry and decided it wasn't their parenting that was the problem (or their choices) but that the childless couple are selfish and hate children. Otherwise, why wouldn't they just *love* to have their itty-bitty babyums around? He's so darling when he's cranky and throwing a tantrum! Some parents are just so enamoured with their kid, they simply don't get that other people aren't. Not saying that this is the case here.

 

And you have picked up on something else too- if I tell her adults only...she's very likely to ask why.

Aside from some of the excellent suggestions, you might want to drop they hint by saying that you feel that some nights, parents just want to let loose and hang out with adults and not worry about editing their language for a while, having a drink and just relaxing.

[Moontiger]

Of course we can have hypersensitivity either way. I have just noticed it more with parents. Some parents seem to get overly offended if another adult dare to request an event be child-free, ask that a child settle down in a restaurant, etc. I understand, we all feel protective of our kids. the fact is, these parents choose to have kids and with the choice all the wonderful things and limitations that come with it. The rest of the world did not choose to have that child. The parents and that child should of course be treated kindly as everyone else on the planet should be. But other people's lives should not revolve around that child. I can't tell you how annoyed I get when I would go to a library to study (in an area far away from the kids area with desks set up for the purpose of people doing work) and a parent would come through with a child talking loudly.

 

I get it, kids cannot always be controlled. But these parents never seemed to do anything about their child's bad behavior. That kid would just get louder and louder until someone who was at the desks would say something. The parent would then glare at the adult for daring to ask that other people's space be respected.