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My husband is obsessed w/other woman, but I can't bring myself to get a divorce!


ilovemykids
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I'm echoing what others say here about the kids knowing. My family had some relatives who caused all sorts of strife between my parents including cheating. I was only four and I distinctly remember hating whenever they would come around. Ditto my kicking the neighbor that was so "nice" to my mom when I was three. I knew, even though they never showed anything in front of me and the neighbor was always polite and friendly and never so much as touched my mom. I later found out he was sniffing around and hitting on her behind her family's back. At first she tried to ignore it since we were in sort of a rural place and he was helping my dad and she didn't want to blow it out of proportion. Or have my dad kick his butt either. But then she finally had enough and did some kicking of her own one day when he decided to lay his hands on her.

 

I knew none of this and neither did my siblings, but we still took great delight in calling him "that bad man" to his face whenever we saw him. We knew because of the unspoken tensions, the expression on his face, the expression on my mother's face. None of use were older than six. Sorry, kids are so much smarter and observant than many people give them credit for. Also they will sense if you are unhappy and that will make them unhappy.

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Goodness me!!

 

Did I really just read this .... "sometimes it is easier to accept the situation and believe the excuses" .....

 

What kind of outdated advice is ALL this.

 

The days where women had to put up with their husband's infidelity (amongst other things) has long gone. The days where there are no opportunities for women to make it on their own are long gone.

 

No woman has to put up with constant affairs and lying. That sort of constant treatment attacks people's self-esteem and confidence. Not to mention their self-worth!!

 

To say that children are not affected by this is dangerously wrong advice. OP, don't believe for one moment that your little one's aren't picking up on the negative emotions floating around the house ... and as long as you put up with this the longer she has to pick up on what is going on. Even if they are too young now they are going to get older.

 

As regards hoping that one day he is done with the cheating ... well, there is also the chance that one day he is done with the marriage too because evidently he isn't emotionally invested enough to NOT have affairs. By sticking in this kind of marriage the OP is giving up her chance of finding someone who will love her as much as she loves him and who will treat her with the respect she deserves.

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I agree with everything a-little-blue said plus would like to point out another unwanted side effect of infidelity--the risk of venereal diseases. Some of which can kill you, so yeah sorry but that's got an element of Russian Roulette to it that I just don't think anyone be it woman or man, should be willing to put up with. From my viewpoint it's akin to bringing a loaded gun into the house every night when one partner is being promiscuous and engaging in unsafe sexual practices.

 

To the OP I really, really hope you practice safe sex with your husband at all times and get regular checkups, because frankly he's already engaging in risky behavior so you cannot take his word for that any more than you know you can on anything else.

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would like to point out another unwanted side effect of infidelity--the risk of venereal diseases. Some of which can kill you, so yeah sorry but that's got an element of Russian Roulette to it that I just don't think anyone be it woman or man, should be willing to put up with.

 

Yes, this too. Totally disrespectful all round and it makes no sense at all to expect someone to put up with this "for the sake of the children"! What kind of role model is the father anyway?

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Does he start behaving like he's sorry and truly loves you when you find out about what he did wrong? But then reverts right back to neglecting you?

Being that I'm in a similar situation, I'm just curious.

 

What's ridiculous, is he really doesn't do much to show that he truly loves me when I find out. He doesn't show much remorse at all. I guess he will say that he doesn't want to lose me and he doesn't deserve me, eyc and may even cry a little, but than the next day acts the same as always!

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What's ridiculous, is he really doesn't do much to show that he truly loves me when I find out. He doesn't show much remorse at all. I guess he will say that he doesn't want to lose me and he doesn't deserve me, eyc and may even cry a little, but than the next day acts the same as always!

 

Because he knows that is all it takes for you to forgive him. Once forgiven, however, everything goes straight back to normal including him seeing other women.

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Thank you everyone for your concern. I think I'm going to wait until we close on our house. This time, when I'm finally ready to do it, I'll actually file for divorce before saying anything to him. That way, he can't talk me out of because it'll be done already. I just hope I can go through with it...

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OP: After we divorced, I was driving along chit chatting with my daughters. My younger one was wondering why we got divorced. Now, her father was living with another woman, and the other woman was then pregnant. This was not reason to divorce in my daughter's eyes. Why would it have been? For all of her memorable life, her father had had a gf. I had, then, let this become her normal.

 

I had no idea. Since it was normal, it had never bothered them.

 

I can't tell you in any stronger terms how happy we are now, and how incredibly different our lives were under the clouds of his deception. He lies to his gf now, about paying me child support. And who knows what else. I couldn't care less. He is no longer my problem to solve.

 

plan your exit. make it real. then execute your plan. I look forward to hearing your next threads.

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OP: After we divorced, I was driving along chit chatting with my daughters. My younger one was wondering why we got divorced. Now, her father was living with another woman, and the other woman was then pregnant. This was not reason to divorce in my daughter's eyes. Why would it have been? For all of her memorable life, her father had had a gf. I had, then, let this become her normal.

 

I had no idea. Since it was normal, it had never bothered them.

 

You are to be commended love! Allowing her to discover her own "normal" probably never cause pain that could have occurred.

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I am starting to feel quite worried that I'm not going to be able to go through with it... I feel like I'll need just one more thing, one more event to happen in order for me to be done. I can't tell you exactly why.. maybe because things are going well between us otherwise, so it's somewhat weird for me to imagine the conversation of me suddenly telling him I've filed for divorce. In our conversations, it's natural for me to talk about our future, which scares me. it's like I'm hoping that i'll catch him again so that i can have a reason for divorcing, which I know is silly because I already have LOTS of reasons. I know this is hard for anyone to understand. I think I need a counselor!

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I am starting to feel quite worried that I'm not going to be able to go through with it... I feel like I'll need just one more thing, one more event to happen in order for me to be done. I can't tell you exactly why.. maybe because things are going well between us otherwise, so it's somewhat weird for me to imagine the conversation of me suddenly telling him I've filed for divorce. In our conversations, it's natural for me to talk about our future, which scares me. it's like I'm hoping that i'll catch him again so that i can have a reason for divorcing, which I know is silly because I already have LOTS of reasons. I know this is hard for anyone to understand. I think I need a counselor!

 

Good job ILMK! You are figuring out what sort of team you will need to support you. Get the team together. Do it. There ALWAYS will be a reason to wait. Every day you put this off is a day out of your future, and another day burned into the memory of your children. GO GO GO. Please.

 

I understand you need to follow your instincts. I do. Sit and imagine yourself as your children's sole protector. Would you not bare your every weakness to give them strength? So you must do this, now. Call your local government, talk to your friends. Everyone knows someone who can help you.Just make a step. Every step follows one step before it. Step by step. Your future, your future. Or, live a lie. Its your future, and your children's. You pick.

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I am starting to feel quite worried that I'm not going to be able to go through with it... I feel like I'll need just one more thing, one more event to happen in order for me to be done. I can't tell you exactly why.. maybe because things are going well between us otherwise, so it's somewhat weird for me to imagine the conversation of me suddenly telling him I've filed for divorce. In our conversations, it's natural for me to talk about our future, which scares me. it's like I'm hoping that i'll catch him again so that i can have a reason for divorcing, which I know is silly because I already have LOTS of reasons. I know this is hard for anyone to understand. I think I need a counselor!

 

Your stuck in a cycle. When he does something else you will say together yourself, "Ok NOW I'm leaving...after XYZ (in this most resent case, closing on the house)" Things will turn good again, and you will stay. You will repeat this cycle over and over and its your children that will pay the price.

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You are feeling this way because you feel "safer" in believing things will change and giving him another chance than going it alone. I can understand that feeling ... but things aren't going to change and things always go "well" in between the infidelities ... this is the calm before another storm. You have given him chance after chance after chance. He doesn't need another one. Giving him another chance is giving him a flashing green light to say "go ahead, go do it again, I will always be here". Even when he does do it again, he will turn on the water works as easy as a bathroom tap, beg for forgiveness, throw a few empty promises your way and once again you will feel that you have hit a significant enough area to give it another go. All the while you allow it, it will continue. If he really were this sorry or guilty in any way he wouldn't succumb to it so easily.

 

As Hazyillusions said you are worth much more than this and you have to think of your children's future. They need something much more solid, stable and secure than this.

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Well, when you stay in relationships like this, it is like death by a thousand cuts. You just take it and take it and cry and hope and dream but then the next cut always comes. Why do you stay? Because you haven't had 'enough' yet. Or you are still stuck in fantasy and dreaming that he'll mutate into someone he is not, and hanging fiercely onto the dream.

 

One day those cuts will be enough to make you feel totally dead and empty inside and a switch will flip and you will go. It may be when he knocks someone else up, or does something or does the same horrible thing for the 250th time and you just get sick of it. But make no mistake that what is holding you there is FANTASY if you see what he is and what he is doing and still hang on. The problem with staying with someone like this is he kills your soul a little at a time, until perhaps you can barely crawl away. And you have no self esteem, no self respect, no hope left.

 

Please go to a counselor to talk about this. He can siphon away your mental health a day at a time until you snap. So you need to try to get strong and see the reality of the situation before he cuts you to pieces and drains you dry emotionally until your perspective on life is bleak and feels hopeless. The world is full of decent people who who never do what he does, but if you stay with him, you will lose perspective and start to believe all men are like this or that you deserve it. So there is far more damage he can do you than just cheating if you stick around and let him do this to you. Going to a couselor is the answer if you can't figure out how to get out of this and save yourself and your children's mental health.

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I am starting to feel quite worried that I'm not going to be able to go through with it... I feel like I'll need just one more thing, one more event to happen in order for me to be done. I can't tell you exactly why.. maybe because things are going well between us otherwise, so it's somewhat weird for me to imagine the conversation of me suddenly telling him I've filed for divorce. In our conversations, it's natural for me to talk about our future, which scares me. it's like I'm hoping that i'll catch him again so that i can have a reason for divorcing, which I know is silly because I already have LOTS of reasons. I know this is hard for anyone to understand. I think I need a counselor!

 

Wrote a novella, then decided "never mind". I think you might do well with counseling - both emotional and legal.

 

You could be shooting yourself in the foot by waiting for the house to sell. Nothing will prevent him from spending the money...he doesn't need your consent to spend $500k anymore than he needs it to spend fifty-cents. It's joint money and you aren't protected against his stupidity as long as you remain a couple. Think about that.

 

Your interests are protected once action (even a legal separation) is taken, not before. He can waste money however he sees fit. He can't legally hide it, but he can spend all he wants. If assets aren't enough to concern a forensic accountant (at least several hundred thousand), you'd better think about protecting yourself now rather than later.

 

And can't you just say, "hey, this isn't working for me...I think we need to give some serious consideration to a legal separation. What do you think?"

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And can't you just say, "hey, this isn't working for me...I think we need to give some serious consideration to a legal separation. What do you think?"

 

I have talked to him in a serious manner about divorce 3 different times in the last year, but he always has a way of "changing my mind"... I am at a really difficult point where I mostly want to get a divorce, but a part of me wants to "work it out" because a small part of me thinks he may be able to change... ahhh this is so difficult

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I have talked to him in a serious manner about divorce 3 different times in the last year, but he always has a way of "changing my mind"... I am at a really difficult point where I mostly want to get a divorce, but a part of me wants to "work it out" because a small part of me thinks he may be able to change... ahhh this is so difficult

 

 

That small part that thinks it could work out, how long have you held out hope that he would change? How long are you willing to wait for that change?

 

Are you afraid to be alone? I ask because a lot of women fear they can't survive without a man by their side until they actually get out there and see that the world isn't as scary as they think it is.

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I have talked to him in a serious manner about divorce 3 different times in the last year, but he always has a way of "changing my mind"... I am at a really difficult point where I mostly want to get a divorce, but a part of me wants to "work it out" because a small part of me thinks he may be able to change... ahhh this is so difficult

 

Are you really willing to throw your kids under a bus for a 1% chance that this guy will change?

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