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My husband is obsessed w/other woman, but I can't bring myself to get a divorce!


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I need help! I have been married for 4.5 years and we have two children, a 2 year old boy and a 3 month old girl. My husband has had a history of cheating on me and I have no trust in him, but for some reason I never go through with getting a divorce, even though I know it's what's best. Here's the story: When I was pregnant with our son was when I first found sexual text messages on his phone (summer of 2011). He had been texting a girl the night before asking what a sexy girl like her does for fun, asking if she likes watching porn, etc. He said it was a girl from work (he's a general contractor) and that they've never hung out & that it was the first time they've spoken. There was also a different girl that he had met at work that he would always go running with and sometimes wouldn't even come home until 1 or so in the morning! He made me feel like I was crazy for not letting him have any friends that were girls and we always argued about it. I first found out about her when I saw text message conversations and he would totally flirt and say things like "anything for you". I thought all this would stop after we had our son. I was wrong! Soon after we had him, I kept finding more text messages, one time someone had even sent him a picture of herself topless. He claimed he didn't know who she was or why she sent it to him.

 

Things were going somewhat well a little after that, but than he had to go to AT (training for National Guard) for 5 months (summer of 2012). Soon after he left, my phone stopped working so i had to use his old one. I looked up the internet history on his phone and saw that he had looked up TONS of escorts in our city! They advertised for massages.. I looked up our cellphone history and saw that he had contacted tons of them via text and phone calls. I confronted him and he said he has never done anything with any of them, he usually just dials the number and than hangs up. By this time, I was considering being done with him, but he said he'll change, etc etc. Towards the end of him being in training, I saw a couple of charges for hotels and he said it was because they went swimming... When he came home, I thought everything would be okay, but I noticed him texting someone a lot and he said it was a friend from training. When I read some of the conversation, there was a lot of flirting going on and he once again got mad at me, saying he should be able to have friends that are girls. A couple of days later, I was looking through all his things from training literally hoping I'd find something and I sure did. I found a letter from this girl saying she'll never sleep with a married man again and that he's still a good person, etc. He didn't know I found the letter and when I confronted him, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about! It wasn't until a couple days later, after I said we should separate, that he admitted to it and begged me to stay, that it wouldn't happen again etc etc. I decided to give him another chance.

 

Soon after, I got pregnant again and was excited because I thought this time he'd for sure change. Beginning of this year (Jan 2013) I saw some weird charges on our account and saw that he had joined a social network who's slogan is "Life is short, have an affair". I saw that he had yahoo chats with a girl on there talking about f-ing and how she likes it, etc etc, really bad stuff. I also downloaded an app on his phone that allows me to see all of his text conversations and internet history on his phone. This is how I found out he was basically dating a girl. He took her to dinner, they would go to the dog park together, etc. After their date to dinner, he text her and said "It was nice getting to know you with your clothes on". He was also still contacting escorts. This time, I was sure I was going to get a divorce. But after I confronted him, he claimed it's because he'd been out of work and had been having a hard time and he once again begged me to give him one last chance. I gave in.

 

We found out we were having a girl and once again, I thought he'd for sure change! Baby girl was born in July 2013 and things were going good until recently. He had been out late one night and said he hung out with his old friend from college, but I was suspicious. I still have that app on his phone that tracks his messages, but he is aware of that. I thought it was weird that I didn't see any conversations with this "college friend" about hanging. What my husband doesn't know, is that this app also tracks where he is. I saw that he had been in a city that's quite far from where we live. A couple of days later, I see some ATM withdrawals for around $100 plus $30 to the movies on our bank account. About a week later, my kids and I stop by our house that my husband is building to visit him and he's not there... I look on the tracker and he's in that same city... I call him and he says he has to go to the "Lowes" out there to get something. A couple of days later, there's a $30 charge to iHOP. After all this has been going on, I start wondering if he's gotten a second cell phone so another day, I randomly stop by our house he's building and while he was walking around with our son, I hurry and looked in his truck and guess what I found? A cheap Cricket phone! I hurry and looked and only had time to read one text and it said "I want your sexy body all over me". He was starting to walk towards the truck, so I hurried and put it back and acted like nothing happened, but I was pretty sure he knew i found it. Once again, i had decided i should get a divorce, but when I confronted him a couple of days ago, he said he's changed and begged me to wait until January 2014 to make my final decision. And here I am again, giving him another chance.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I really don't understand why I haven't left him. It's NOT a low self-esteem issue because i KNOW i can do better. I just don't know why I can't go through with getting a divorce. I need help.

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You say it is not a low self-esteem issue, but, sorry to tell you, it really is.. It seems your self-respect is pretty low. It could be really hard to leave a marriage, but you need to start seeing your situation for what it is, you are married to a very disrespectful man..

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If you can't bring yourself to leave for you, then you really need to just do it for your children. Do you honestly want your son imitating this behavior later on, or your daughter dating a man like her father? Not to mention that there's got to be a huge amount of tension in the home from all this, which they are no doubt picking up on.

 

You probably think you'd do anything for your children. That includes giving them a good idea of what a relationship should look like, and what to do when a person is being incredibly disrespected.

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I just don't know why I can't go through with getting a divorce.

 

You CAN, you just don't want to. You are exactly where you want to be, living the life you want to live. Until you want something better for yourself, no one here can help you.

 

Good luck.

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Well, some very tough, candid, to the point suggestions here for you. But let me take a little different approach. You question yourself on why you stay, what is wrong with you? By doing that you are basically acknowledging that you do know what you should do but are having a hard time actually doing it.

 

There could be any number of reasons why you chose to stay. Your children for one. Any good mother always wants the best for her kids. You obviously want your children to have a home with a mother and a father. If your husband is a good father that is what your children are feeling. They are much too young to know what is really going on between you and your husband and I am sure they are not witness to any of your arguments about his cheating. If he is also a good financial provider, that would make leaving and going out on your own harder on you. For if you do leave, you will have to provide 1/2 of living expenses for your kids plus all the living expenses for yourself (minus maybe a little spousal support from your husband is that is possible). A big change if you are used to staying at home with the kids and having your husband take care of all the household bills and expenses. And lastly, maybe, besides the cheating of course, you actually do love your husband and the two of you basically get along well. It's harder to leave someone you love compared to leaving someone you have grown to despise.

 

I have given you a few reasons on maybe why you continue to put up and stay with your husband. They are probably reasons a lot of new mothers with small children and women in love with a cheater have used and dwelled on to convince themselves that they cannot leave the marriage. Are they good reasons? Probably not. But sometimes it is easier to just accept the situation and believe the excuses given than it is to move on, alone. I don't think it's weakness, I don't think it's pitiful, I think it's hope. It's hoping that one of these times the promise he gives to you saying that he is going to change and that things will be different starting immediately, is actually the truth. It's hoping that someday he will grow tired of the cheating. And it's hoping that one day he will realize that you are the one he wants and that he is done hurting you and will spend the rest of his days making you happy. You are not pathetic, you are a young mother and wife who wants what most people want, to be happy, safe, content and at peace. But, unfortunately, you are not going to find that with this man. He is a chronic cheater, user, manipulator and liar. You can hope all you want. You can wait years for him to change and come to his senses, but the chances of him actually doing aren't good. The possibility of him having an epiphany and becoming an honest, god fearing, sensible person is slim at best. What you see now, is probably what you will see in 10 or 20 years.

 

So, the question you have to ask yourself right now is 'can I live like this for the rest of my and my children's lives?' If you answer yes, I wish you good luck because you are going to need it, if you answer no, start putting your affairs (no pun intended) together and work on getting out of there...TODAY! I think you know what you need to do.

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It sounds like it's time to get into therapy or counseling to confront whatever fear or fears it is that are big enough that you are so willing to stay in such an unhealthy relationship rather than face them and go through the hard work of confronting and conquering those fears. Don't even ask his permission on it, just start going and tell him not going it not negotiable, not if he wants you to stay. Although I'm suspicious why he's giving you a deadline of January 2014--what happens then that he gains by you staying up to that point?

 

Also I hope you are keeping all of this evidence for use in the future court case that you do know is coming. You'll need it to put together a good case for why you get the kids and he has to pay child support since he cheated so long and so blatantly. And whatever you do right now practice safe sex if you let him touch you, because you know he isn't.

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You have explained it very well! I do want what's best for my kids and he really is a GREAT father. I believe they are not being affected by what's going on at this point, because we do not talk about it in front of them. And yes, I do love him, which makes it very hard. It for sure is going to be very hard to be the one to walk away. I agree that I've probably stayed so long because of the hope of him changing and each time really believing he could. But I am scared he'll never change and I'd rather divorce him while my children are really young so that it'll be easier for them. Luckily, I have a full time job where I work from home 4 days a week and I know i could move in with my mom right away. I just need to find the courage to follow through with it. I think a part of it is that I really do feel bad for him. He must be miserable living this life and knowing it's wrong, but not being able to stop. But I can't live like this forever.

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Your kids may not be effected by this right now but as they grow older they WILL know what is going on (kids are smarter then adults like to think they are). If you have sons they will learn to treat women like this and see nothing wrong with it. Heck, you'll be teaching them that women SHOULD stay with men that act like this. If you have daughters, they will grow to think that this is how men who love them act. And, with you as a role model they will think the only way to be a good girlfriend/wife/mother is to stay with this kind of guy.

 

So, yes, its great when kids can have a two parent home. But if those parents, in combination or alone, are raise their kids to have unhealthy relationships, IMO, it's best for the parents to divorce and move on.

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You feel sorry for him? Don't. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but unfortunately, he is putting his own selfish needs before staying true to his marriage and, sorry to say, before being a good father to his kids. I know you said he is a GREAT father, but the time, and money, he has spent on his extracurriculars could be spent on and with his children.

 

He will continue to do what he is doing for however long you allow it. And the only way you can stop further heartache and humiliation is to leave him. Maybe, if you do, in time he will clean up his act, I highly doubt it, but maybe. I guess some cheaters do rehabilitate I personally have never seen it. You have a job and you have your mom to help you. Why not separate for awhile. What have you really got to loose?

 

If I sound harsh, I apologize, but I am speaking from experience.

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I'd like to share something with you, a conversation that I recently had with a man who is a serial cheater, like your husband. He confessed to me that he had cheated on her again a few weeks ago. He has cheated on her pretty much the whole time they have been together, both before and after the marriage. She found out once about a girl he was sleeping with regularly, and it was a crisis time in their marriage, but she decided to stick it out. That was about two years ago. Anyway, after he told me about the most recent one, I asked him, "Why do you do it? Why keep cheating on your wife?" And do you know what he told me? He said, "I could go on and on about how something is missing in my marriage, or how I don't feel as loved anymore. But it's actually just as simple as this: Sometimes you want to have sex, and there's someone in front of you who wants to give it to you." Just as simple as that: he feels like he is entitled to sleep with whoever he likes, because he's just that special. So don't feel sorry for your husband.

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I don't know what is wrong with your husband. He clearly is sick in the head. This situation is not going to get better. You are in for a lifetime of his nonsense if you stay with him. You know he is spending money on these other women; money that you be directed to your family. You know what you need to do. In the meanwhile, do not have sex with him. Many innocent women contract STDs from their straying husbands. Line up your ducks and make your exit. I am happy to hear that your mother will support you in this matter. See a divorce attorney as soon as possible. Oh!...and forget his January 2014 deadline. That is a joke! ..... chi

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I think getting a divorce means to you, Yes, this really did happen,I am that woman that married this cheater. Divorce forces you to accept that this is your life. of course,you already know this truth, but divorce forces you in to a new persona, that of the woman who had to leave because he was so bad.

 

begin to envision your life, your self, without him.

 

it will be harder and better than anything you can imagine right now, and who you are well change for the better.

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What is it going to take for you to say enough is enough? He continuously cheats and lies and you are letting him get away with it, making it even easier for him to do again. All he has to do is come up with some absolutely naff excuse and another dead end promise of change and you're hooked again. Don't you see ... he isn't going to change because he doesn't have to. You put up with anyways. I really can't see what evidence you have that has proven to you he is EVER going to change.

 

This is not a healthy environment for you or your children to grow up in because it will eat away at you. The lengths you are going to in order to keep track on him is not good for your emotional well-being and thus your childrens.

 

Why wait any longer? You've waited long enough. He isn't going to change. Divorce isn't easy and I suspect that you are scared of what is to come. I am divorced (my husband left me for another woman). I had 3 young children. I got through it and I (and my children) are a whole lot better for it.

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Echoing a-little-blue:

 

I am divorced working single mother of two. He was with his gf while we were married, still is, has a child with her now, though he lives in another city from her and from us. He would have never left our household. My daughters met her son, and when I found that out, it was finally enough to push me to end it.

 

He will not leave you. You will have to do all the work, take all the responsibility, endure the unfairness of it, use an attorney to hold him accountable, document what you require, and suffer the knowledge that none of it is just.

 

I am still paying off my divorce bills and living on every last penny. Even still, with the stress, the calendar, and the money, even with all of the craziness...

 

I have never been happier and nor have my daughters.

 

There is nothing better I could have done for them or myself, short of miraculously change my exH into a different man. I am friends with his now ex-friends, who tried to maintain their friendships but he dropped them. His inability to maintain a marriage is echoed in other parts of his life. This is certainly true for your H as well. He is leading all of you on a slow path of self destruction. Dont let him damage you or your children in that way.

 

End it.

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If your husband is a good father that is what your children are feeling. They are much too young to know what is really going on between you and your husband and I am sure they are not witness to any of your arguments about his cheating.

 

I disagree that any children are too young to know that there is a problem in the house. If mom is anxious all the time, they know. They don't have to literally understand cheating or see an argument. There is likely a vibe of tension running all through that household on a consistent basis.

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I disagree that any children are too young to know that there is a problem in the house. If mom is anxious all the time, they know. They don't have to literally understand cheating or see an argument. There is likely a vibe of tension running all through that household on a consistent basis.

 

My brother was a drug addict from the time I was four. I never saw the drugs, never saw him use, but I knew what was happening. The house was tense all the time, I would go to bed at night and hear raised voice. My room was far enough away I couldn't hear exactly what was being said but I knew it was nothing good. I picked up on things hear and there: My brother stayed out all nigh, a police officer showing up at our door, finding my mom crying, I started putting things together. My brother was always nice to me. I remember him letting me play with his action figures and letting me help feed his venus fly trap. But I still knew about the problems in the house.

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Regarding what children know:

 

When my first daughter was about 6 months old, she went through several weeks of needing me to hold her on my hip while I did whatever I was doing all around the house. Normally, she was very independent, unusually trusting, quiet and curious.

 

I asked the pediatrician: is there a stage? No. Is anything going on at home? she said. Well, I am planning my parents 50th anniversary party, but we are having it catered, its not a huge deal. "Yes, but its still a source of anxiety," the doctor said. "Your daughter can sense it."

 

After the day of the party, my daughter never again went through such a needy phase.

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