My boyfriend wants to start being friends with his ex girl..

anonymousgirl1 · December 2, 2004

My boyfriend of over six months recently asked me how I would feel if him and his ex-girlfriend tried being friends again. Their relationship, an on and off troubled one for two years, has always caused intense jealousy in me. I told him that I would be very uncomfortable with it, but soon afterwards said that I wanted him to do it, if it would make him happy.

I know this is the attitude I should take; I don't want to accidentally drive him back towards his ex by protesting too much and alienating him, but I am far too jealous to be able to deal with this constructively as is. I need tips, advice, anything, please.

I am mainly worried because I feel like he's been initiating this with her and I don't know why. He is still extremely resentful towards her for some things, he broke up with her seven months ago after he cheated, they haven't been very good friends since they broke up at all, just having the occasional phone call. I don't understand why he called her a few days ago and I don't know who brought up the idea and the whole thing makes me queasy.

I trust him, and love him very much, and he's told me, honestly, that there is no way that he's ever getting back together with her. He's told me more than once that he loves me more than he ever loved her. At the same time that I know all this, I feel uneasy with the fact that she is single, and hasn't had a serious boyfriend since they broke up. I'm worried that if they start being friends again, talking or even hanging out alone (I don't even want to think about it...I don't understand why I'm so jealous) that they'll reminisce about past experiences, the good times, and fall in love again.

I know this is irrational...but I need help overcoming these feelings.

greggy_baby · December 2, 2004

if yo show him you trust him and are cool with it then he'll see that youre the gal he wants to b with

Joanne85 · December 2, 2004

I can understand your jealousy, the thought that he once cared for her, and loved her makes you wonder if those feelings will come back. Take it easy and remember he is with you now and loves you. If he wanted to be with her again, I dont think he would have gotten into a relationship with you. You have to trust him, and his decisions he makes. It will be way uncomforatable for them to be friends for you but once you see that nothing is happening and she is not at all a risk to your relationship with him, then maybe the thought of them being friends will be like whatever to you. I wish you the best of luck with this situation!!!

tiger_lilies · December 2, 2004

I don't trust this situation at all! Being friends with her means that he has to make effort to hang out with her. And effort equals intimacy (maning closeness, connection).

The only person he should be focused on is YOU! Not her! Have you asked him why he wants to be friends with her again? How about turning the tables around, if you were to be friends with your ex, etc.

I think you need to dig deep for his reason why he feels he needs to be friends with her...the whole thing about him saying that he loved you more than her...well, that's him comparing you to her...kind of a red flag for me.

anonymousgirl1 · December 2, 2004

I think I'll ask him tonight, but I really don't want to pry too much, because I've been very jealous and prying in the past about this same thing, and I know he's getting frustrated with me over it.

The tables can't be reversed, because in my case he really is the only person I've ever been with. Funny thing is, he doesn't know this. He thinks I had one not very serious fling summer boyfriend several years back, but that was something I told him long ago, long before we started dating, because I was embarrassed for some silly reason.

kate111 · December 3, 2004

The situation does sound like it has the potential to become romantic. But there is also the possibilty that your boyfriend is genuine.

If he is genuine and you prevent him from being in contact then he will come to resent you and this will make some damage in your relationship.

Unfortunately you have to trust him. If he cheats and runs off then that will suck and you will just have to deal with that. But if he doesnt then your trust in him will grow and you will be the one to have a stronger bond with your boyfriend.

I think you should talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you feel insecure and scared of something out of control happening but tell him that you have to trust him 100%.

Then dont worry about it anymore.

PrincessLinzay · December 3, 2004

Im going to have to go with a big.......NOPE!!!

I myself would consider this situation unacceptable. Im sorry, but if your boyfriend "all of a sudden" wants to be "friends" with his ex again, there is something more to it. It would be different if they had parted ways amicably and had still been friends when you first got together, it brings a whole new dynamic that he wants to be friends with her now. If you decide to let him do it, it will only put stress on the relationship, and it's not fair that he even asked you. Do what you will, but I would not reccommend it.

cantergrl4 · December 7, 2004

learning from experience, your kinda damned if u do, damned if u dont....

keeping your feelings in trying to 'deal' w/ the situation is just gonna cause u stress and worry -and is not worth the heartache

but nagging and showing you are uncomfortable w/ the situation will just give you guys something to argue about-and prob push him away

but u have to ask yourself, is it really worth it-all the uneasyness this is bringing u...

in my past experience..my (ex)boyfriend was 'just friends' w/ his 'so-called horrible ex' of 9 yrs. it made me very jealous. i would let him know when it bothered me-and i probably looked completely insecure-but i wasnt cool w/ it. i kinda gave him an altimatum (sp??) her or me.....

needless to say, things just went downhill- we broke up and they got back together for bout 2 weeks.

it sucked big time the way things turned out b/c we had a GREAT relationship before that came about...but i try to remind myself everything happens for a reason

u have to think of yourself in this situation...dont comprimize your happiness,if you're not comfortable w/ the situation.

there is NO reason he needs to be friends w/ his ex-unless they have kids. not saying they need to be enemies, but they dont need to go out of their way.

good luck w/ it!

cantergrl4 · December 7, 2004