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Hi everyone, I've been turning this situation over and over in my head but finding no solution. Perhaps you friendly readers can give me an objective view. Please be warned my story is going to sound very Jerry Springerish I know...


I had been going out with my ex for three and a half years, all long distance but we'd see each other on most weekends unless he went away since he was in the military. A year into our relationship he cheated on me with a prostitute. I'm certainly not proud of it, but shortly thereafter I ended up cheating on him with a friend of mine and continued to hook up with him a few times. We both told each other about our infidelities but I didn't tell him the whole story b/c he became very violent (not towards me but punching walls etc) and aggressive. After that, I never told him the extent of my infidelity but always wanted to but was scared of the outcome. For the next two and a half years, I was faithful to him but he cheated on me a few more time with more prostitutes. Throughout this all, he was abusing various drugs/had depression problem etc. I tried to get us into counseling but he didn't want to go and would somehow sabotage my efforts. He finally got booted from the military for drugs and moved back home. He went through rehab and stayed clean for ten months. We broke up for a month over a fight about a girl I thought he was hooking up with. During this time, I believe he messed around with at least one person that he told me about. I hooked up again one more time with my old friend from before but when my ex and I got back together I didn't tell him about it. My ex moved to a different state and began to go to school. Four months ago he started working at a place where a girl had a crush on him. I saw him four weeks ago and everything seemed to be going well, however I found out he was smoking and drinking again. While he was drunk he began to tell me about this girl at work and how she gave him her number and told him to come to her place for dinner. I was pissed. I didn't mention it until I came back from visiting him. We had an argument and hung up. Normally he'd call me every single night, but didn't call me for two weeks. Finally I called him and he was really mean and told me to move on and that we were broken up. He said that he could be really mean if he wanted to. I told him to not hold back and he said that he was seeing someone else and sleeping with them. My body went cold and into shock, I blurted out that if we were being honest with each other I might as well tell him the whole story about my infidelity. I told him about my friend (we don't speak at all anymore) and how it happened a few times way back when and once when we broke up for a month. He was pissed and told me he was seeing his coworker and that she wanted to call me up to tell me I lost my man, blah blah blah.


We basically talked here and there throughout the weekend and from our conversations I found out:


1. this girl has two kids from two different dads

2. she said she had her first child on purpose to trick the baby's father into marrying her

3. she's still married to her first child's father b/c she can't afford a divorce (which is approximately $250 in that state)

4. she told my ex if he wants to get married/have a kid within a year, she is down for it

5. she has never gone to school and never plans on it

6. she is mean to her kids and tells them to shutup and she's mean to everyone else but nice to him and he knows she's a "good person" that she wants him to "love her"

7. she calls him 24/7 when they aren't at work together

8. she told him to give her his financial aid check to put in her child's saving account b/c he can't "handle his money"

9. she told him to move in with her and if he has too much stuff to sell some of it

10. she told him she doesn't think she'll like his mom b/c she feels like she's judging her for having two kids without even knowing her


Basically the list goes on and on and whatever negatives I've stated above are the opposite of me, as far as I know his family loved me, I have an education, no kids, don't want him for his money, let him do whatever he wanted, supported him ALL the time, was kind and considerate to him, AND I have straight teeth!


But two weeks ago he told me to stop calling him b/c it's causing problems with her and that he'd call me. I haven't heard from him, he didn't respond to my email and he wouldn't pick up his phone. I'm tempted to fly out to where he is but I'm actually afraid she'd try to kick my butt. I know I need to move on and that our relationship is so jacked anyways but I can't stop obsessing about him with her. I can't figure out why he wants her other than the sex but it totally grosses me out. I'm at the end of my rope, seeing a therapist, and even went to a psychic today that swindled me and told me some b.s. about cleaning his chakras if I charge up my credit cards for her. Hah!


Anyways dear readers, I still love him and I want to knock some sense into him. There's been a lot of b.s. throughout our time together but I always believed he was a good loving person who had issues with drug dependency, naivete, and youth. I love him unconditionally, but I won't have him cheating on me and ruining my life. His mom says he'll snap out of it and come to in a few weeks but it has already been that long. I'm afraid he'll never call me. My friends and family think he's a dog and should have been kicked to the curb ages ago. Everyone says he'll call me when he's down and out in a few months but to not take him back. The sick thing is that all I want now if for him to call me. I guess I always believed that he did jacked up things but that he did love me.


What do you guys think will happen? Thanks for reading this long, damn near a novel...

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brokenheartednow, well, if you want him back, the best thing you can do is to STOP CONTACTING HIM, Totally. It sounds weird, but if you do NO CONTACT, he's going to start wondering what you are up to, and if you are doing well. Also, remember everyting seems rose coloured in this new relationship, but the novelty will wear off very soon, and he will realise it is not all it is cracked up to be. he will come running back.


a few pointers:


stop pointing out all this girls faults. It will not change anything. He is with her now, and the more you slam her, the more he will defend her. While you are not contacting her, work on your own life, try and be stronger, and realise you are WORTH so much more. You have a lot to give, and you deserve a great person, to appreciate you for all the wonderfull things you are, and can give.

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That's a very good valid question.


Yes, I've gotten tested many a time. He's said he always used a condom when he's cheated on me. Not a very good guarantee...I agree.


My therapist thinks he's an addict: sex addict, substance abuse addict, etc. My mother thinks he's emotionally abusive. I think I've been in this for so long and wanted it to work out so badly that each time I gave an inch, he took a foot. Each time boundaries were set, he'd break them and I wouldn't leave. He began to think that he could do whatever he wanted and I still wouldn't leave. Now he's left me and told me to move on and I'm still waiting. So yes, there is a serious problem with me.

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I wouldn't call it a "serious problem" with you...I'll go as far as to say you are co-dependent and think you can somehow change him into a guy worthy of you...which will never happen.


Your therapist is more than likely right, and it's good to hear you are seeing one...you will get yourself to a point where you will be able to break your ties with him...you just need to get your self esteem up a bit higher...the fact you are starting to really question the whole situation is a step in the right direction!

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Sweetie dont be treating yourself so harsh. Do yourself a favour and go out and meet different and new people that will take your mind off that jerk. I agree with your mom and friends....He ain't worth it.


I have been in a similiar position but I thank God I have found someone new who loves me unconditionally. We were together for 8 years and it took me 3 long hard years to get over him after he dumped me for another woman. He used all sorts of lames excuses as to why we were not good for each other.


I am sorry that u have to go through this emotional tangle, hopefully you draw strenght from your family and friends.


Dont be so trusting and allow your guard down the next time around PLEASE!!

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I can only strongly urge you to move forward with your life. Since you have issues of your own, nothing can be resolved from being with someone who takes all your focus away from the person that really matters.....yourself.


I've been caught in the "I can SAVE him mode", but really you should be saving yourself. If you're honest with yourself, you wouldn't want someone like him with your friend....mother....sister..... You get the idea.


Also, I think right now its more a case of injured pride. You put up with so much crap from him and now he's with someone else who doesn't even compare. Trust me, it sounds like they deserve each other. Keep your head up and move on from him.

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I remember going through a similar thing to you (if you look up my early posts you will see). My heart loved a boyfriend who was a cheat and not good for me at all.


Do not contact him. Let him have this other girl. If he doesnt appreciate you then find someone who does.


It is unlikely your ex will change. You have to let him go.


You will meet someone nice. I did. And when you do you wont even think about cheating on him.


Go through the pain of losing him now. Because in the long term this guy is only going to cause you more pain.

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Thanks for all the advice guys. My therapist recommended I go to an Al-Anon group so I went for the first time tonight. It was an interesting experience, I think I'd go again.


Today is the 19th day of NC so I'm just ticking off the days. The longest we've ever gone with NC is a month and I was the one who broke it b/c I was drunk and sad. I'm looking forward to the new year, perhaps a fresh start. I know once I get past the milestones, it will be easier. There's Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, my birthday, his birthday and then that's it! I should be cured of this affliction. I'm hoping that when/if he does finally call me (when she finally fleeces him of the little money he has and/or gets pregnant), I'll be strong enough to tell him to march straight back to her cuz I don't want him!


Thanks again guys.

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  • 3 years later...



I can completely relate to your situation. I know how tough it is to deal with deception in a marriage or any relationship for that matter. I myself ended an 11 year marriage after I caught my husband with his mistress, an act I in my naivety could never have imagined..


These are painful losses, loss of trust is something that is hard to recover from, especially if it's your husband who's cheated you. I had found myself in severe depression after my incident and resorted to private therapists, counsellors and the whole lot but never really got anywhere.


It would definitely be worth it to visit counselling DOT web-welfare DOT com .. Sorry about the DOTs, this forum isn't letting me post links.


I think in my entire time of strife and trying to cope with my distress, it was the help of two private psychologists on this website that really motivated me to move past what had happened and be confident in myself again.


It's run by a lady called Catherine Trover and her group of colleagues who are all practicing psychologists and counsellors. I found them an invaluable source of comfort. In a time when I found no contentment in anyone's advice and 'pity' to be honest, I found these webwelfare counselling people so entirely different in the way they treated me and helped me through my distress, it was a wonderful experience.


All the best, keep strong.


Warm Regards,


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I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how hard this is. But I have a few questions.


Why would you list all the faults of this other girl? Your ex sounds like a horrible person so they are made for one another.

Also, you cheated on him, so you've not been the nicest person either.


This is a very codependent relationship. You want to change him and knock some sense into him. Most of the time when we (I say we cause I am also a classic codep) try to change others, we're avoiding our own issues.


Focus on your issues and stop hoping he'll change. He won't!

Your self esteem is at zero so start with that and the rest will come

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