She had lied several times and is very secretive

[dreamweaverdude]

Wow, where do I begin...

 

I have been 'talking' and occasionally meeting a woman for over two years. We started with yahoo chats over two years ago.... which led to several times in which we met.... so I"m wasn't chatting with someone i'd not met....... but one thing i've noticed about her over the two years is that she is very secretive about lots of things in her life and she tends to lie a lot about names, places, etc. She has even admitted to it at times and tried to make things right.

 

Over those two years we have become very close emotionally. Extremely. To the point that i've shared personal items with her that i've never dared tell anyone one else because i trusted her so much. I've never know her to betray THAT trust in any way, but what bothers me is she always comes to meet me... in that.. where she lives, home phone #, etc is always... top secret... i understand the need for that in the beginning.... i truly do.. but after two years?

 

SHe says she loves me and will wait on me for as long as it takes, and I have very strong feelings for her. A very good and dear friend within the last few days told me I should not tolerate anyone that lies. for if they lie not wouldn't they continue to do so later when the relationship would mature even more. But my glasses are fogged over i guess and at times I become irrational in my thinking. I don't doubt the advice. BUt not sure how to act on it.

 

I know that with her I've bore my soul, she knows everything about me. If it is to be known, she knows it. But what i know about her is only what she had told me..... I have been able over time and with some help to confirm and validate somethings..... but if she loves me like she says she does would she not WANT me to know the truth? I shouldn't have to ask.... should i? HOw do you confront someone that lies........?

 

SO my question is..... trying to be rational here........ yes Menuca.. I"m trying..... How in the hell do you begin to cut off the emotions youhave from someone..... someone that regardless of what they have told you, you still care for........ I may be older but it doesn't make this any easier. I'm beginning to experiment with NC and see how that works..

 

Because of our situations our only contact (escept for a few meetings) has been via cell phone. I have been so consumed by this person that I have eat, slept, breathed her... SHe has almostbeen in my eevery thought, we talked about out future almost constantly, and i've been dreaming about it for over a year now.. but with some help from some dear friends.. that maybe my relationship has been buiilt on false hope. I think i've finally come to the conclusion I've been played for almost two years and yet i find myself not wanting to let go of something that I THINK there is still a little hope in.

 

Maybe I should be mad at her for 'tricking' me for over a year. ANd this had been a hell of a year in dealing with her in a LDR where communication at times with her was almost impossible. There have been days i just waited for the phone to ring JUST to hear her voice. I borderlined being obsessed i'm sure.... others might even call it borderline. I would call her to let her know i was thinking of her every day. Went months before I even missed a single day of letting her know that. and if not voice, text. SHe has my heart.. and i'm not sure how to get it back. NOt sure i even want it back.

 

SHE 'wowed' me in so many ways. She made life interesting again. SHe made and makes me feel so loved in so many ways. ANd it seems like we went to an emtional level that I've never been with ANYONE before. And i guess if I ever thought anyone would ever 'play' my emotions it would NOT BE HER.

 

Yeah, guess I'm in denial. BUT knowing and dealing with it are two different things.

 

I'm supoosed to meet her again on the 13th and really dont want to miss it. If for nothing else but to ppoint blank ask why all the lies and so forth over two years. I'm sure its probably not a wise move to go, but i am.

 

This is a relationship outside of my marriage so I guess I deserve any pain i get from it........ but regardless of that.... how do you deal with letting someone go? I've never had to do this before in my life.

 

I'm open for criticism or ideas either one.......

[RayKay]

I am not sure what advice to give...but I certainly would not trust someone who was lying to me, even about little things.

 

I won't comment on fact this is outside your marriage (though I guess I just did) but I would say that this relationship should probably not be taken any further than it has gone. Have you ever considered that maybe the reason for HER secrecy is she is married/involved as well?

 

I think 2 years is long enough for her to have stopped lying to you, especially if you have called her on it. I personally just cannot trust someone who lies...it is a major character flaw in my opinion. But you have said you have rose coloured glasses on..personally I would take them off as someone who lies even about little things has something to hide. See her, ask her about it and make a decision from there.

 

Personally I would just walk away, but that's up to you. I know the feelings are there...but feelings sometimes are not enough, and not always wise! And...think about whether you really feel for her, or who she presents herself to be? If she does not share with you, how do you know you are really loving her? I think we love someone when we truly get to know them, all the good and the bad...what makes them who they are.

[dreamweaverdude]

Ray Kay,

 

What seems so odd to me..... ( and yes i've considered the fact that she might be married even though I don't think. I can't confirm otherwise DEFINITELY.) is that on a person or emotional level i think she shoots straight. Meaning that I think on her level of what she thinks, her likes, disklikes, etc I think she shoots 100% straight, but when it comes to issues such as where she lives, and concrete what i would call evidental matter... it as if at times she doesn't even exist.

 

I've been way to clingy with her over the last two years, of that I HAVE NO DOUBT. SOmeone I had come to care for gave me wanted attention. So I agree that little or NO contact is the best way to start this healing process. I think i will confront her though on why.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply

[GettingOverIt]

Wow, except for the timeline, you and I are in very similar situations... I met a woman outside of my marriage that I fell completely head-over for...

 

Notice my name... I am still getting over it... In truth, I don't think I will ever really get over it, but things have happened that will at least force some limited contact, so NC is not really an option...

 

From experience, always find at least one negative for every positive you can think of... No, it's not easy. I still have some very, very strong feelings for this other person, but you have to stop and see things for what they are - false hopes, lies... I was obessed with the woman I feel for, there is no doubt, and it is very hard (even now) because I think of her constantly, and miss her dearly. But, I know that things just aren't meant to be there.

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then you have two options: 1) Fix those things, or 2) Leave

 

Whichever you decide, you need to try and do it with 100% of your being. Easier said than done, I know. I am right in the middle of that, and I can tell you, this person enters my thoughts at the most INOPPORTUNE times! But, I have learned to work very hard at blocking her out, and thinking of at least one negative thing everytime she comes to mind. No, it doesn't always work, but the more you practice....

[dreamweaverdude]

Gettingoverit, you are right. I"m not sure I ever 'get over it' but i do have to learn to deal with it. When you allow someone to take over your every thought and they become so much a part of who you are..... it's like being ask to sever a part of your own body.

 

I do agree with the comments about my marriage and I am taking steps to resolve that issue as well. Not becuause of this relationship either, I see no way to resolves issues with my wife. We just dont want the same things in life anymore.

 

Yeah i've been reminded by a dear friend that I went backwards in this process,and maybe had i taken steps in the right order maybe things would have worked out better. I think sometimes her lies were to protect me and/or her in case something happened..... but still.... feelings are feelings.

 

ALso, i think this is a good time to thank someone who has helped think through this rationally and i owe her PUBLIC thanks.. and that is MENUCA. She has shot straight with me and told me what she thought and things i need to consider. No condemnation or judgement. just good honest advice. SO heres to you Menuca.... THANKS!