Starting New

[TheD87]

I figured I would keep my thoughts and posts in a thread going forward instead of starting new ones. This site really helped me realize my own issues and how a lot of my relationship problems were my fault as well. I realized I rush relationships, I contact/text people too much which can come accross too strong. I also developed a bad insecurity habit from the relationship I had with one of my exes where now when I don't get a response from a text or call I automatically assume the worse and stress out and inevitably make the situation worse. Which is weird, because that is not how I am in my every day life, and normally I am very easy going and can roll with what life gives me, but the last two girls I dated were kind of flakey and it got me really stressed. I also didn't know when to end things. I've been led on by 4 different girls in my life, and I realize that is as much my fault as theirs for letting them do it. Although this last girl sent me a text saying she didn't think it was going to work anymore, I sent her a best wishes response text and a week has gone by without me contacting her or trying to get her back or anything. So I at least am starting to do better. I am learning a lot of these lessons late in life (I am 25) because I was too shy and then too busy to really date around much, so I lack experience most 25 year olds have in dating.

 

But here I am, realizing all my faults and ready to work on them and start over. I am ready to start dating and look at what I am doing to avoid the stuff that ruined my previous relationships or caused me excess stress. I am still young, I just finished taking the BAR exam and I have a lot ahead of me in my life. I was feeling really down and depressed the last month or so, but I have decided that it is going to do me no good to keep feeling that way and I think I am slowly climbing out of feeling down. I am ready to grow thicker skin and not dwell on breakups/girls not wanting to see me anymore, to grow a pair and stop letting girls walk over me and to just relax and let things progress instead of trying to force and rush things.

 

I have three online dating profiles, plenty of fish, okcupid and eharmony. I used to view those a lot and actively seek out people on there and felt bad and took it personal when I got little responses. I thought it was going to magically find me the girl of my dreams I guess. Now I have completely changed my outlook on what I expect from those sites, and that is it is just another way for me to meet single people in my area and as frustrating as it can be at times, I have gotten more dates in the past year from those sites than I have from in person contact.

 

So I am ready to start again. And I have been exchanging emails on eharmony with a girl lately. She lives 45 minutes from my house and in her second email to me she asked me how I liked living in the city I live in and if that is where I work too. So I think that might be a hint from her that she thinks distance might be an issue. We will see, I will play it by ear.

[TheD87]

I have the real weird ability to either have dates with two girls at a time or none. Let me recap my summer love life.

 

I was single for a real long time. I meet a girl we will call B online. I meet her in person and we go on a couple dates. She gets worried about rushing into a relationship and backs off. I was talking to another girl online and set up a date with her, we will call her A. Right after I set up my date with A, B contacts me again and wants to get serious and said she decided she is ready for a relationship. I still went on my date with A, and it went kind of nice but I decided I wanted to go back with B (bad decision).

 

I date B for like 2 months, maybe a little less. She breaks up with me, then wants me back next day. Long story short we had a month long messy breakup that has been detailed in threads on here.

 

I go a month or so completely single and getting no responses to any girls online, except one girl, we will call H, who I occasionally texted after getting her # but she flaked out of two dates so I stopped texting her.

 

Two months ago or so I meet L online and we click instantly. I end up sleeping with her after the third date because I REALLY like this girl. She got scared the day after we hooked up and said we were moving too fast and needed a break. During this break out of nowhere H texts me again and wants to go on a date. Right after that L texts me again saying she is sorry she freaked out and really wanted to see me again. So I had a date with H on a Thursday and L on Saturday. My date with H was awful and wouldn't have gone on another one with her even if L wasn't involved. And L date was really nice, like I really think there is something special about her. I can't describe it but she has "it". I feel way better with her than I ever did with any of my exes.

 

So briefly after we were back, she decided we didn't have enough in common and she thought that we wouldn't be able to last and thought it would be easier to end it before either of us got too serious. I didn't fight her about it. I REALLY LIKE her, but I don't want anymore drama.

 

So I go 3 weeks again no dates and no responses from anyone. Then I finally met a girl online, we will call R, who wanted to go out but was being a little hesitant. Yesterday, L texted me again and told me she really missed me and thinks we should give it another chance. Again, my brain is telling me no but I REALLY like her so I kind of set up that we are hanging out soon. Today R gives me her phone number and wants to go on a date Thursday.

 

So it is like I keep switching between two girls or no girls all summer. I go weeks without a date then it just so happens two girls, usually within days of each other want to go out. The timing is just uncanny.

[Batya33]

The juggling kind of thing was fairly typical for me when I was meeting men through on line dating sites -as was the feast or famine.

[TheD87]

I got stood up today on a date with no call or text telling me it was off. Even worse it was by a girl I really liked but who I should have known better than to trust. And I mean I really liked this girl...I'm such a mess right now, so much for starting new

[Batya33]

I got stood up today on a date with no call or text telling me it was off. Even worse it was by a girl I really liked but who I should have known better than to trust. And I mean I really liked this girl...I'm such a mess right now, so much for starting new

 

Sorry that happened- that's about her and her issues, not you!

[TheD87]

Sorry that happened- that's about her and her issues, not you!

 

I shouldn't have trusted this girl but she actively was texting me and kept trying to set up a day to meet again and confirmed todays date as early as this morning. Haven't heard from her since this morning despite my calls and texts. And to make it worse I had to drive by her house which is visible from the road to go home after she stood me up and I could see her car parked on the street in front of it. It took everything in my power not to go knock on her door and tell her off for having me wait around for over an hour for her.

 

Ugh I'm so pissed off right now.

[paradisa]

oh I'm so sorry to hear that - anyone who is rude enough to stand you up like that is someone who isn't worth having the benefit of your friendship and company. You don't need anyone like that in your life at all. Again, sorry to hear that happened to you!

[TheD87]

I've never been stood up before. It really is the worst feeling ever. I also probably made a fool of myself, I've called and texted her way too much since it happened. But I guess what do I care what she thinks about me at this point, because I hate her

[paradisa]

I would definitely go no contact with her now. Don't be too hard on yourself for the calls and texts you placed today - that is something that can happen when angry and disappointed. So just focus on moving forward from here on out and I strongly recommend that you go no contact.

[TheD87]

I will go no contact. I've already pretty much told her off multiple times in texts amd voicemails so I got that off my chest. I really want to know what bs excuse she is going to come up with but unless like a family member died today I don't think its gonna be enough to convince me to talk to her again

[TheD87]

I'm having such a hard time not calling her and leaving another voicemail or sending another text right now. I told her she was being childish and rude by ignoring me and that I was extremely dissapointed right after this happened but now I want to just rip into her. I'm really laid back, I get anxiety sometimes but anger is something that is real rare for me. As a kid I had some temper problems and I delt with it a lot but by about sophomore year of high school I learned how to deal with my anger and anyone who has met me since then would probably tell you they have never seen me angry, and that I go with the flow, forgive easy and resolve conflicts instead of creating them.

 

But this girl has gotten me so fueled with anger and rage right now that I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid, because I haven't felt like this in years. I'm actually kind of scared of myself right now. Like I don't think I'd physically hurt anyone but I'm scared I'm going to punch a wall or something like that because that is what I did growing up when I got this mad. I've not done anyrhing like that in 9 years so I'm hoping my old anger issues don't resurface. I worked so hard to get rid of my feelings and lived basically on an even keel and not showed any emotions for years now and now this summer I'm having trouble keeping it all together. I was always the even keeled one in my family mediating fights between my parents, siblings, and they always dumped their problems on me but now I feel like I'm the one with problems now but don't want to let anyone know, which is why I post here. People here know way more about my personal life than my family because I don't want to burden them with it.

[TheD87]

This girl gets the nerve to post on fb how great her night was at an art festival with some friends tonight. So she flat out just blew me off. I'm sooo mad right now

[paradisa]

I understand this is a tough day for you. Going no contact will send a much stronger message to her than any additional phone calls, texts would. You've already left her enough angry messages today and that negative energy is not helping you at all. She clearly did not even have the courtesy to pick up the phone to let you know she couldn't make it today and you don't need to have flaky, unreliable, rude people in your life in any capacity that you don't have to! Do you have some friends you could talk to and hang out with this week or something you could do to distract yourself? Hang in there, it hurts, but in many ways, it's good to let people like this who have no concerns for you or your feelings get out of your life and stay out.

[TheD87]

I'm actually on my to a mini vacation as I write this, which I don't know if its good or bad timing. On one hand it gets me away from everything but on the other now I'm going into my vacation in an awful mood

[Batya33]

If she's done this before then you already knew what she was made of and about her values when it comes to treating people with consideration and thoughtfulness. No surprises here.

[TheD87]

So that girl never texted me or called me explaining herself, just blew off the date we had and went completely silent on me...

 

But it got worse today, we had talked a lot about how she had jury duty next week because it was at the building I worked at. I could have easily avoided her most days by just staying at my desk or in another courtroom, except now the jury trial that I was supposed to start today just got adjourned until next week the day she has jury duty.

 

So there is a good chance this inconsiderate person who stood me up and then ignored my attempts to contact her could end up on a jury panel of mine at work and I am not sure how I would react and am scared seeing her could just completely throw me off my game at work during that trial. Ugh...at least she lives 30 minutes from me so after this I don't really have to worry too much about running into her. I can't believe how inconsiderate of a person she is. I had her completely wrong.

[Batya33]

Just be a good actor. You barely knew this person so she is no more than a vacuous flea on the wall.

[luminousone]

First off it really is about her and who she is and not about you.

 

If you think about it, someone that would do such a thing is extremely self centered and the world revolves around them. Be very grateful that she showed her true self early on, because you would have gotten in deeper and it would have been more of a mess than it is now.

 

As far as your anger, that is your own. And yes I would be angry too. No one likes to be treated with such disrespect and disregard for your feelings.

 

When you become so angry, it is important to observe that emotion in yourself. And then think about whether there is a deeper layer to the anger.

 

So often when we are angry, what we are truly feeling deep down is hurt or humiliation. I suspect you are feeling both. So if that us the case, when the anger begins to bubble up in you, recognize the hurt within you and honor it.

 

Then- begin the work of letting it go. By holding onto that hurt, please recognize that you are basically allowing her to continue to "intrude" into your life- even if you have gone NC. When your anger and hurt continue to have power over you then essentially that is what you are allowing.

 

So you can make a decision to move forward beyond the likes of her. When the hurt bubbles up, say to yourself that she has issues that prevent her from being the caring and considerate person that you deserve.

 

You deserve to be with someone that is emotionally balanced and healthy!

 

When you start to feel bad about what you "lost", then be sure to focus on the kind of person she truly is- someone that really only cares about herself at the expense of others' feelings.

 

And then tell yourself that you will not waste another moment pining over her because you wish to be with a healthy person.

 

Then- and this is important- wish her well in your mind and move forward. Focus on being grateful that she is no longer in your life.

 

I hope you are able to enjoy your mini vacation. At the very least it sounds like it is starting off with some self reflection and a bit of learning.

 

Some of the skills I described may be helpful in your profession, because there are people that will try to trigger that anger or hurt or indignation in you, hoping you will lose control and mess up your case.

 

However when you are able to stay cool and collected then sometimes that frustrates them and in the end they may lose control. Not that that should be your intent.

 

Now in terms of next week- simply focusing on blessing this very damaged person from afar. Be kind, be forgiving (but not forgetting), send to her kind and compassionate energy in your mind.

 

When you see her, then you are going to have a kind air about you, but you will also remain very distant. You are going to say to yourself (and to her if she brings it up) that you and she do not have the same values in common, so it is simply pointless for you to go on anymore dates with her.

 

And then let it go and move on to the next woman... Someone kind and considerate.

 

Oh - and be sure to block her on Facebook.

[TheD87]

Thanks for the posts everyone

 

I got double good news today

 

First I got offered a job at the office I had been interning at, so I am super excited about that.

 

Second, since I got this new job they want me to shadow someone starting next week so I don't think I will be doing that trial anymore, which means I will likely be able to avoid seeing her that day.

[TheD87]

That girl, after not hearing from her since she basically stood me up texted me today out of nowhere basically like nothing was wrong, telling me about her jury duty and stuff. I mean it has been over two weeks and she ignored me this whole time, and I haven't texted her in over a week.

 

She is so confusing.

[Batya33]

That girl, after not hearing from her since she basically stood me up texted me today out of nowhere basically like nothing was wrong, telling me about her jury duty and stuff. I mean it has been over two weeks and she ignored me this whole time, and I haven't texted her in over a week.

 

She is so confusing.

 

It's not confusing. You are making it so. It's simple. She is not interested -or interested enough- in a potential relationship with you. So your reaction should be the same reaction you have to spam messages or texts from your cellphone carrier, etc. Why waste even a second of precious time thinking about the "why" - if she wanted to meet you/date you, she would have already done so. If she texts you and asks you out on a date I still wouldn't go but at least then you wouldn't have to analyze anything. (and I still wouldn't go because of her flakiness in the recent past but that's just me, hypothetically of course).

[TheD87]

Well I haven't posted here in a while. My life is back in order and I no longer stress about every small detail. I passed the bar, got a job and have gotten over the two women that ruined my summer. No contact with either in over a month.

 

The only problem I have left is I basically have given up on dating. I am down on myself and don't think any girls will like me and am also hesitant that even if they do it will turn out like all the other woman I have met in my life, and they will walk over me and mistreat me. I just feel like dating caused more stress in my life than it was worth. I get lonely sometimes, but I feel like not dating is better for me and have basically given up trying. I know it's not a good outlook but I can't help it. I am not an unhappy person though, I am generally happy and giving up on dating almost makes me happier at times.