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How to Get Over Insecurity of Boyfriend Watching Porn?


o0Luna0o
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So I've found out that my boyfriend watches porn and it made me feel really upset and angry and hurt. It makes me feel like I'm not enough to make him happy, it makes me feel like he fantasizes about these other women and he would rather be with them than me. It makes me feel like I can't live up to it... ultimately slashing my self esteem and making me feel really down and rubbish about myself.

 

I've talked to him about it and he tried explaining that it's not like that, he doesn't know or care about these people it's just visual stuff and it's no big deal and he was only watching it because he's away working in London 5 days a week and he gets frustrated. In which I replied that just because he's not around at home doesn't mean I go off looking at other guys... why can't he just be happy with what he's got. And he said he is it's just what all guys do and testosterone etc etc. Even though he's sat down and explained it to me I still just don't get it and I can't help feeling this way. If I put 200% into a relationship I want 200% back. That includes no wandering eyes... I don't feel the need to look at other men because I'm perfectly happy.

 

Anyway this chat went on for a while and ended up as I'm over-reacting and that I need to get over it fast. That's what he said... I tried explaining that I know some women are fine for their boyfriends and husbands to watch stuff and look at other girls as long as they don't take it too far like you know the whole "look but don't touch" thing. But then I also know a lot of women aren't comfortable with it... I spoke to a few of my friends about it yesterday and they all said they wouldn't feel comfortable and it would make them a little insecure too... so I can't just be making this up.

 

I don't know what to do. I love him, he says he loves me. I know he would never cheat on me... I just can't shift these negative feelings I'm having about it. I've got confidence and self esteem issues as it is, he knows this. It's really difficult for me to not compare myself to others and get out of this way of thinking.

 

Any advice would be highly appreciated because I do just want to get over it and make it work...

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If you truly want to just be with him, then you need to work on this.

 

My boyfriend needs to ejaculate once a day. If we can't have sex, he masturbates with or without me. If it's without me, he uses a little porn. If he doesn't masturbate, he gets cranky and can't sleep until he cums.

 

I feel that's what is happening here. Your boyfriend loves you. He wants to be with you. But if you're not around and he needs to cum, then he will masturbate and may need a visual aid. My boyfriend lacks a visual imagination and can't masturbate to the thought of me or anyone else for that matter.

 

It's not like he's fantasizing about them or wanting to do them. It's more appreciating the act and how hot that act is.

 

I look at porn and so does my boyfriend. It is not the same as ogling. I don't want to be with these men or women. I just like to see what they are doing and hear the moans. It doesn't replace sex and I am not really fantasizing about them.

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I know, that's why I'm trying to work on it - I just don't know how to stop feeling this way

 

I can't comprehend the concept of it all like I just reflect it all very negatively upon myself. He says he gets where I'm coming from to an extent but I really need to get a grip on this. How can I do that?

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Personally, I think this has more to do with your self-esteem and confidence issues than it does about him.

 

In life, there will always be someone hotter than you, someone funnier than you, someone sweeter than you, someone more generous than you, etc. Always. They are all around you! You cannot be the perfect person. And really - the definition of 'perfect' changes from person to person. Some people like people who are flat, some like curves. Some like an assertive woman, some like a woman who is more demure. If you run around comparing yourself to other people all the time and flogging yourself for not being 'perfect' - you'll go crazy.

 

Those women in porn? Yeah, they are hot. That's how they got that job. But - in real life, they've been with 1000's of people, often they are jaded about love/romance and/or have a lot of issues (that's also how they got that job usually).

 

You don't want to be with Will Ferrell because he's funnier than your bf - even if he makes you laugh. You don't want to be with Donald Trump even if you admire all his wealth. You don't want to be with Vin Diesal even if you think he's hot. You want a WHOLE person. YOU are the WHOLE person.

 

It's just a visual aid and something that helps him get off. That doesn't mean that he wants them any more than it means that you want Will Ferrell because you laughed at his joke.

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So I've found out that my boyfriend watches porn and it made me feel really upset and angry and hurt. It makes me feel like I'm not enough to make him happy, it makes me feel like he fantasizes about these other women and he would rather be with them than me. It makes me feel like I can't live up to it... ultimately slashing my self esteem and making me feel really down and rubbish about myself.

 

that's because you're making it all about you when it's not. Him watching porn has nothing to do with you or your worth or your looks or anything else. It's a vehicle by which he uses to pleasure himself. All the talk about how you can't live up to it and the women being better than you? Honey, they're doing a job which they get paid for; they're not being taped in their own relationships. There are make up people and lighting people and a production crew in the room with them making sure they are positioned just right and that the camera is getting the shot. You saying you can't live up to that also means that you can't abide fashion magazines or watch television because you can't measure up to the models and actresses in those media, but I'll bet you've got a stack of fashion magazines and you watch television shows, so why aren't you distraught over that?

 

Porn isn't meant to mimic real life people. It's to provide escapist entertainment. Period. You making it all about you speaks more to you being self centered than anything else.

 

I've talked to him about it and he tried explaining that it's not like that, he doesn't know or care about these people it's just visual stuff and it's no big deal and he was only watching it because he's away working in London 5 days a week and he gets frustrated. In which I replied that just because he's not around at home doesn't mean I go off looking at other guys... why can't he just be happy with what he's got. And he said he is it's just what all guys do and testosterone etc etc. Even though he's sat down and explained it to me I still just don't get it and I can't help feeling this way. If I put 200% into a relationship I want 200% back. That includes no wandering eyes... I don't feel the need to look at other men because I'm perfectly happy.

 

You are being unrealistic, as well as trying to compare apples to oranges. Him looking at a video is not him being involved with a real person. You looking at other guys has nothing to do with you engaging them and getting involved with them, so stop with weak sauce arguments.

 

If you still dont' get it, then guess what? You're with the wrong man. You need a man who doesn't look at porn and doesn't get off to it. You cannot dictate to a man what he can and cannot look at. That is being a control freak and no man is going tolerate that. You're going to end up driving him away with this mess.

 

Anyway this chat went on for a while and ended up as I'm over-reacting and that I need to get over it fast. That's what he said...

 

He's 100% right. In order to have him in your life, you're going to have to stop over-reacting and get over it fast---or else he will be gone. You can be right and be alone in this.

 

I tried explaining that I know some women are fine for their boyfriends and husbands to watch stuff and look at other girls as long as they don't take it too far like you know the whole "look but don't touch" thing. But then I also know a lot of women aren't comfortable with it... I spoke to a few of my friends about it yesterday and they all said they wouldn't feel comfortable and it would make them a little insecure too... so I can't just be making this up.

 

Then you and your friends should not date men who look at porn. Period. Fin. That will solve that.

 

I don't know what to do. I love him, he says he loves me. I know he would never cheat on me... I just can't shift these negative feelings I'm having about it. I've got confidence and self esteem issues as it is, he knows this. It's really difficult for me to not compare myself to others and get out of this way of thinking.

 

Any advice would be highly appreciated because I do just want to get over it and make it work...

 

 

If you insist upon remaining with him, then you're going to have to decide if this is the hill to die on--because you will end up killing your relationship because you refuse to back up off this. If you're that insecure that you can't tolerate him looking at porn while he squeezes a quick one off, then you're not emotionally ready to be in a relationship with him. He's not going to stop just because you have a problem: he will hide it from you, but still keep doing it. Then it will become "oh!!!!! he lied to me about looking at the porn!!!! I snooped on his computer and I found it!!!! He lied to me!!! OMG!!!"... and all of this is because you have not gotten a grip on your self image issues, which you are forcing him to own.

 

You cannot control a grown man--even if he wasn't looking at porn--you can't crawl up into his mind and be the traffic cop up there.

 

He's only going to tolerate this for so long--and he's already given you a warning:

"as I'm over-reacting and that I need to get over it fast. That's what he said... "

 

yes, with a quickness you need to get over this.

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you should be confident, if masturbating and looking at yourself naked in the mirror can help you with that - there is your answer.

you are insecure, if you fear these imaginary ladies from porn. you watch movies with him, right? why don't you get jealous to simple actresses in these then?

I am not supporting porn in any way telling that it is good for you, but seriously such a strong opinion on it wont get you far either.

when I was younger I thought blow-jobs are disgusting (because of porn actually) and I would never do that. and I didn't, till I found a guy I love, so satisfying him is more important for me than my own unsubstantiated opinions on something I never tried. now I enjoy it - something I never thought I will even try!

your self esteem should not depend on porn your bf is watching. you are the real girl he is dating. its like a guy would be jealous and insecure if a girl liked to shop for shoes or put her make-up on!

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I rarely throw in on behalf of the seemingly insecure practice, but here goes.

 

In between relationships, I'll watch porn. I've got no problem admitting it. But in a relationship, I don't watch porn, and I strongly prefer my girlfriend doesn't either. It's not something I judge other relationships for being more permissive with, but for me, I believe neither my partner nor myself should be going out of our ways to seek others for our own sexual gratification. That fact it's behind a computer screen makes very little difference to me.

 

That said, I have do have an exception that may or may not make any sense. It's kinda in my head that as long as it's something I can't do with her, I'm able to get over it. For example, while I certainly don't mind taking control, I'll never roleplay a rape fantasy. I'm not into the BDSM thing or really humiliation of any kind. And I'll also never have gay sex. These are things a lot of women have fantasies of that I simply can't entertain, so I mind it less if my girlfriend occasionally checks something like those out. But ideally, I'd prefer she didn't. And this has only been the case once before.

 

If we're talking cookie cutter porno, though. It would probably be a deal breaker for me. I don't think you're particularly unreasonable for preferring your partner keep his eyes on you. But maybe if you know what kind of porn you're watching, if it's something with an edge you know you'd probably be uncomfortable trying to satisfy, maybe that could help your brain wrap itself around the idea that "it's the scenario that's turning him on, not necessarily the woman in it."

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Men are different from women, and not all men differ one from the other. It's not surprising to me that you can't put yourself in his shoes. Looking through they eyes of a different sex and a different PERSON is not easy to pull off! See, I'm in the exact opposite of position of j.man, and we're both guys. I would be more alarmed if I found fetish or extreme porn than 'cookie cutter stuff.' I can relate to 'cookie cutter stuff.' It would bother me knowing that somebody got off on simulated incest or abuse or what have you. But that's just me.

 

I can't tell you how to 'get over your insecurity.' There's all sorts of rationalizations on both sides of the spectrum. Maybe you just can't, and if you can't, then maybe you should take your chances and try to find a man that doesn't masturbate. That's going to be a pretty rare find I think, and men are aroused visually, so I wish you the best of luck. I think it is fairly common for men to hide it if it is met with disapproval, and it is pretty easy to do nowadays unless you're actively spying on him. So it may just end up being a case of 'ignorance is bliss.'

 

I can tell you, with nearly 100% certainty, that there is nothing emotional going on on his end. In my experience it is not a gateway to physical or emotional infidelity either. It doesn't make you any less attractive to him. That's my take and I'm sticking to it.

 

I do however think it's possible for SOME men to become 'addicted' to it, and have it affect their sex life. I think that is a predisposition to generally addictive personalities however.

Edited by Unreasonable
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  • 7 years later...

I have the same issue as you, but I try to make sense of it as guys just doing their thing to unload. I personally watch some porn but not as much as him. He has a huge list of porn stars he follows, has porn accounts on every porn website, created porn playlists for others to follow. First I try to convince myself that this was just normal stuff. But I later realized it was an addiction when he would become cranky to almost a nasty level when he doesn’t watch porn on his 4th day or so because I’m with him. I sensed that his addiction is so strong that he’s not able to get an erection when it comes to real sex because he’s been watching too much porn. It deeply affected our relationship because physically touch is my love language, and to have our sex life be pretty much non-existent because of this made me really sad. I love sex and fantasized about an amazing sex life with my partner, so I was not able to stick around even though I loved him very much. I would say I’m decent looking and I’ve tried everything I could to get him turned on. Sometimes I would have to give more than 100% for him to get really turned on, but he would do 0 work and just expect me to keep him hard. I don’t mind it but sex is really bad and he doesn’t ever pleasure me. I would be able to deal with the porn if it didn’t affect our sex life. Could you imagine when I’m older and less attractive, how could he even possible get turned on? I’ve been pretty depressed about the breakup because I know we love each other and I’ve tried to talk to him and he doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem with him, he thinks it’s something wrong with me and my insecurities. Now I was not insecure before I met him, but to know how hard I have to try to get him to want to have sex with me, really brought down my self esteem. I hope guys out there can understand this. Sometimes things that seem harmless could become poison in the relationship 

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