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How to deal with boyfriends possessive mother?


heyanna
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Hey guys, just looking for a bit of advice over my boyfriends possessive mom! Okay so we have been dating a year and I have not yet met his parents.

 

He is 26 years old, and goes home to visit his family every break from work he gets, weekends, everything and I get very little quality time with him (we currently live 50 miles apart). Now THIS bothers me. I had not seen him in 3 weeks due to work commitments and the other day when I was visiting him for 3 days, he handed me his phone and told me to text his friend saying we would be at his house in 5 mins. However his phone was opened on text messages to his mom. She was asking him to come home to the family house that night and demanding to know why he wasn't coming home. This irritated me, no one in his family is sick, he isn't a carer for anyone, then I would understand her demanding and possessive nature. He does nothing when he goes home apart from sit about watching tv and reading or doing work related stuff. His mom knows I exist but yet she has never asked to see me or even asked me to visit. She doesn't know that I stay over at his house and he is too scared to even tell her. They believe in God but they are not overly religious.

 

What the hell am I dealing with here? we are both adults, I am 22 and yet I have more freedom than he seems to have. I understand if he wants to be close to his family, being a family person is a good thing, but he acts like a child having to go home to his mommy every weekend and refusing to spend Saturday nights with me or any quality time. He is off work for a week soon and she is demanding that he spends that time at home. It is almost like the fact that he has a girlfriend doesn't even come in to the equation. Why must she baby her son and be so possessive! he is almost 30 for God's sake!.

 

Just looking to see if anyone has ever been in a similar situation? any empathy at all helps, to be honest this is really irritating me to the extent where I am losing my patience with the relationship. Thanks guys

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yeah my mother is the same with me. its disturbing and annoying. she is not seeing him as an adult. he has not established the boundaries either and that is a hard thing to do as she has reared him and therefore he is totally conditioned and used to her way of living. i dont think there is anything YOU can do. its really his decision. if he feels this is effecting him negatively he may do something eventually....he may not.

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Very frustrating situation.. What it comes down to is either you accept the current dynamic between your boyfriend and his mom, or you move on.

 

Trying to change him, to get him to "see" she is too possessive and controlling for your tastes will backfire. You can make suggestions, but ultimately he has to decide to cut the cord. You cannot make him. It will only cause tension and stress if you try to push him to enforce his boundaries with her. If he feels like he's being made to choose, he's going to choose his mom. Full stop.

 

His mom will always be a prominent fixture in his life. In time, his future wife may rise in importance but not occupy the #1 spot. He may take her side on issues, but it's also very likely that he never will. In his view, his mom will always be "right" and his SO is just causing "drama" by "complaining". (note, my sarcasm in quotes..)

 

Does this sound like something you feel you can put up with for the rest of your life?

 

If not, it will be a constant source of resentment and contention in your relationship. If you do get married someday, this is the kind of issue that can wedge spouses apart and ultimately cause them to divorce..

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Yes, I told him about 2 weeks ago that him not being able to spend weekends with me is not really acceptable. I would understand if he had a good excuse, but he goes home to sit about. I am the one who constantly goes to him, to visit him when I can during the week when he is working and therefore upset his routine. Instead of getting to see each other at weekends (which he always has free) when I won't be upsetting his routine. He said that because I am younger I do not understand the responsibilities of someone older (I know!) and that going home at the weekends is how he relaxes away from work and he likes to see family. This is my first proper relationship, so I am never too sure if I am being a pushover or demanding too much.

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pfft. so he wants to spend all weekend with mommy, and he's accusing you of being immature??

 

i think you've got a momma's boy here. don't try to compete with her.

 

and why is spending weekends with you not relaxing? why hasn't he introduced you to his family if you've been dating a year?

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That is another one of my issues haha. He has not met my family either, my mum has started to urge me to find someone else. Something that is entirely out of character for her, because she thinks he is not putting in enough effort. But yes, I am annoyed that I have not been introduced, he said he is uncomfortable talking to his parents about girls (come on man you're 26!!) but even if that is the case, why have they never asked to meet me? or encouraged him to bring me home? His mom needs him home every weekend but doesn't she ever wonder when he actually spends time with me?

 

Feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

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i know some people who go home every weekend or every other weekend. however, their bfs/gfs are welcome along in general and go to other family events (picnics/bbqs/vacations). i don't think you are immature. i mean, i don't know you, but i don't see why spending time with your SO on the weekends is considered immature. he said that to be mean. that's what normal people in relationships do. i mean, look around at your friends in relationships. they usually hang out with their bf/gf on weekends...

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I asked him the other week if he had told them that I exist, he said yes however he doesn't feel I am any of their business so he doesn't talk about me. Even so, he never offers to come visit me or my family. I should also mention he refuses to properly meet the majority of my friends. (He has only met 2 or 3!) He pays for part of my journey to visit him which I see as only fair however money means nothing, to me I see that as an easy escape. He doesn't have to bother coming to see me and instead just throws money at me as an easy way out. When I brought all this up he said I am living in 'dream world', that he pays for half my travel, my meals and 'allows' me to stay at his house. I felt so patronised, and also it is not about money, it is about effort. His actions say to me that he can't really be bothered. But once again I am always scared that I am over reacting, what if a lot of guys need to be pushed in to making effort and I am simply not pushy enough?

 

rambling now haha

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It seems to me like he would be the sort to be really awkward speaking to his parents about this sort of thing, and he is incredibly private as a person. I felt uncomfortable that he said I wasn't any of his parents business but I was thinking it could be linked to his mother's personality, maybe she is the sort to think I am not good enough for her precious son and therefore by not talking about me or meeting me she can't criticize me. Even so, I understand that the general laziness in terms of meeting friends/family is not a good sign.

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yeah, i mean, it's not like you've been dating for 2 months and want to meet his grandmom and mom and all his cousins, etc... dating for a year, i'm surprised that you guys haven't met each others' families and friends. and he expects you to do all the work. it's all about his needs and his terms, not what you want. meh. blah. why do you like this guy??

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haha I have been asked that question by my mom so many times! I like him because when I am with him he is kind and funny and we do get on well, he is also there when I need advice. I guess at the beginning these things weren't really an issue but now as time has went on they are becoming a major issue however I am so used to him being there, it is a case of, sticking to what I know best, scared of throwing away a year long relationship (which to me is quite a while with it being my first longish term!).

 

It has became very embarrassing trying to make excuses for him to friends as to why he hasn't met them, it just feels like I can't go on much longer this way. I feel resentful that I have met all his friends and have even carved out a close friendship with them but he has not made any effort in return, why would he when I do it all?.

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What it comes down to is either you accept the current dynamic between your boyfriend and his mom, or you move on.
Absolutely. And, IMO, you should move on, telling him when you break it off the exact reason why -- he's a momma's boy and you aren't going to compete with his mother nor are you going to ask him to choose between you two, you're removing yourself from the situation and freeing him up to live his life as he wants to. I especially like the part how he tells you you're immature when he's still clutching his Mommy's apron strings and runs whenever she snaps her fingers at him.

 

Yes, I told him about 2 weeks ago that him not being able to spend weekends with me is not really acceptable. I would understand if he had a good excuse, but he goes home to sit about. I am the one who constantly goes to him, to visit him when I can during the week when he is working and therefore upset his routine. Instead of getting to see each other at weekends (which he always has free) when I won't be upsetting his routine. He said that because I am younger I do not understand the responsibilities of someone older (I know!) and that going home at the weekends is how he relaxes away from work and he likes to see family. This is my first proper relationship, so I am never too sure if I am being a pushover or demanding too much.

 

I asked him the other week if he had told them that I exist, he said yes however he doesn't feel I am any of their business so he doesn't talk about me. Even so, he never offers to come visit me or my family. I should also mention he refuses to properly meet the majority of my friends. (He has only met 2 or 3!) He pays for part of my journey to visit him which I see as only fair however money means nothing, to me I see that as an easy escape. He doesn't have to bother coming to see me and instead just throws money at me as an easy way out. When I brought all this up he said I am living in 'dream world', that he pays for half my travel, my meals and 'allows' me to stay at his house. I felt so patronised, and also it is not about money, it is about effort. His actions say to me that he can't really be bothered. But once again I am always scared that I am over reacting, what if a lot of guys need to be pushed in to making effort and I am simply not pushy enough?
From my perspective, you're not demanding anything. Or, the things that you ask for are being brushed off as unimportant. You're younger and don't understand his responsibilities... poor baby! What a freakin' cop out. Honey, I hate to break it to you, but you're not his girlfriend, you're his convenience. So long as you don't make any demands, you use your time, money and resources to keep this "relationship" going, he's happy as a clam because he doesn't have to do anything. What you describe is very similar to my first real relationship (that wasn't, since I did all the work to keep it going), and the red flag store is out of red flags on this one. Seriously, if it's so bad you're asking a bunch of random internet people whether or not you're justified in how you feel and what you're experiencing, he's also abusing you emotionally. Run, run like the wind. This is not someone you want to make a future with, have children with. The sooner you dump this loser, the sooner you can find someone who wants to be a partner to you. Yes, you've put in a whole year, but you shouldn't look at it as a "waste" of time, you should look at it as training, you've learned a lot about what kind of behaviours you will and will not put up with, don't waste any more thinking that he'll change or marriage will change him, it won't. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you, which will only be frustrating and demotivating the longer you stick with this boat anchor around your neck.
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I guess I also have had my self esteem squashed a bit. I'm scared no one will want to ever make the effort. I've went from optimistic about relationships to feeling like they are all going to be like this one. I guess everyone in here is very right, it's just getting the courage to break it off. I'm a bit of a coward haha.

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Heyanna, in all honesty, I would bet that if you stop calling him or texting him or whatever it is you do to keep in contact with him, he won't notice. Sure, it's more mature and responsible to see him in person and break it off like an adult, if you feel that that's what you want to do. Maybe you've got stuff you need to collect from his place, since he never visits you it's not like he's got a drawer full of clothes and a shelf full of toiletries to return. If you don't have anything to collect, and don't want to face him, then call him and do it that way.

 

You have to keep the faith that you will find someone else. And if the next one is exhibiting the same behaviours, you'll spot it faster and won't hang on as long. Best of luck to you!

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I guess I also have had my self esteem squashed a bit. I'm scared no one will want to ever make the effort. I've went from optimistic about relationships to feeling like they are all going to be like this one. I guess everyone in here is very right, it's just getting the courage to break it off. I'm a bit of a coward haha.

 

You sound like an amazing gf & he is an idiot for not realising this.

Some wonderful guy will fall for you in a heartbeat!!! Please don't waste anymore time on him.

Best of luck

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I asked him the other week if he had told them that I exist, he said yes however he doesn't feel I am any of their business so he doesn't talk about me. Even so, he never offers to come visit me or my family.

Ok, wow. This speaks major volumes of how he feels about his relationship with you. He feels ZERO commitment for you. If you want a committed relationship, this isn't a good guy to stick with. My vote on dumping him for sure since he is unwilling to establish boundaries with his family or even arrange to meet with your family and vice versa.

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Ok, wow. This speaks major volumes of how he feels about his relationship with you. He feels ZERO commitment for you. If you want a committed relationship, this isn't a good guy to stick with. My vote on dumping him for sure since he is unwilling to establish boundaries with his family or even arrange to meet with your family and vice versa.

 

Yeah it is ridiculous that after a year I am in a situation where I haven't met the parents and by the looks of things never will. I have never heard of anyone else sticking with a guy/girl who refuses to meet friends and family.

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